How can I accept my diagnose and stop masking?

[Louie]

TRIGGER WARNING: depression, OCD, anxiety, suicide thoughts.
Hello.
It'll be a little long, sorry for my broken english:
I was diagnosed last november. The process took almost eight months. I was already going to a psycologist since 11 years old and to a psychiatrist, since 15 years. I have been already diagnosed with severe depression, anxiety disorder and OCD, when I was 14.
I had my terapy and took my meds, but never get better, so last year I watched a video about ASD in girls, so I asked to be evalueted, and 16 sessions after, I was diagnosed with ASD level 1, but I'm still very confused with that.
I mask a lot and I can do almost everything that I was supposed to do as an neurotypical person, it only makes me feel exausted, sometimes I can't even eat and I have extreme emocional lability.
I can't stop masking even in front of my friends. I did it sometimes when I was exausted, and their asked me if I was sick, and it made me anxious.
I try very hard to be always active and convincent, cause they often compares me with Flash from Zootopia of say that I act "cartoonwish".
When I was younger, people used to say that I was cold, so I trained myself to give hugs and handshakes (I really like hugs, but only when I hug. Don't like someone suprise hugging me). I'm a copycat too. AND I HATE IT. I do it so frequently, and it makes me feel a giant liar. I feel so guilty all the time. I never knew the reason why I feel so compeled to lie about so tiny things (about something like liking shrimp). I'm ashamed of not liking shrimp.
I have extremely food selectivity too, but I can eat almost everyhing if I push it with water.
Sometimes I feel nauseous and I want to puke due to textures, but I force myself to eat.
I'm still a virgin and I can't even kiss. Only pecks. Two people that I liked broke up with me cause they said we "act more like friends", cause I'm incapable of any touch with sexual intention.
I feel so alone and guilty. I don't know anyone else on the spectrum besides my cousin. I love him, but he's nonverbal, so we can't talk about it.
How can I stop masking?
I want stop masking cause it gives me so much anxiety and guilt. Because of the OCD I register all the conversations that I have with everyone, cause I'm so afraid of misunderstand and be misunderstood. I'm exausted. I think about killing myself since I was 8 years old. I remember that I thought about hanging myself on the clothes line, cause I was feeling so alone and despaired. I always feel so alone.
I just wanna feel peace and hapiness.

 

[Gerald Wilgus]

While I did not get a diagnosis until I was an adult, I broke out of my cage (even before knowing the cage I was in) by learning to accept myself. When I made progress there, and even with a level of anxiety, i could not lie to myself anymore and actually started liking other people as I became more relaxed around them. I still find small talk and ordinary socializing boring, but have a good and lively group of friends who all share a love of outdoor activities. i suspect that a few of them are OCD and a few on the spectrum. Having discussions with them is like being in a room full of engineers, having a dialogue without looking directly at one another.

Importantly, and I cannot stress this enough, social isolation and lonliness is damaging. What led me to my diagnosis was when things would remind me of my isolation as a teen and young adult and I would get PTSD-like anxiety, even decades later. You do not seem to have a paralyzing social anxiety that I had. I also think that communicating well with your acquaintences is not masking, and I wish I knew then how to appropriatly communicate my emotional state and desires with people I knew rather than self-isolating.

I had the same problems as you with intimacy. Tried dating starting when I was 27, with poor results until I met a woman who shared common interests. We met on a Sierra Club trail maintenance project. She was so nice that I opened up to her. It was immediate friendship and then it was like a 2x4 blow to my head that got my attention when she accepted me sexually and I guess that, being unusual, my hesitation about intimacy vanished. I still love her and even as we age I will cherish her. Married 42 years now and that intimacy is still there.

I guess my lesson for you is to do a little introspection to understand your strengths, cherish them and learn to accept those and yourself as a whole person. Good luck on your journey.

 

[Au Naturel]

Consider that accepting your diagnosis and stopping masking are two entirely different things.

First, you must accept the diagnosis. Once you have accepted who you are, you can start to see "masking" as a tool that you occasionally use to make other people comfortable and not a way of life. Life is much easier that way.

 

[Thinx]

Hi and welcome. Maybe just give this some time, hang out here and read threads, see if you feel you can relate to some of what people are saying.

It does sound like you think you may be overdoing the masking, I don't see why you should force yourself to eat stuff you hate. It's not only people with autism who dislike certain foods, plenty of neurotypical people hate shrimp. If you hate it, say no thanks!

Anyway, welcome, and I hope you find it supportive and interesting to be here.

 

[Major Tom]

Just remember a label doesn't change who you really are. You are the same person with or without a diagnosis.

Many times masking is so ingrained into us it's impossible to stop. I do it constantly. As you get older you learn your limits and not to let things bother you as much (hopefully).

 

[GadAbout]

You don't have to be everybody else, you can just be you... if you are tired, withdraw, if someone serves you shrimp, decline or pick them out of the serving. Remember that this stage of your life is new and a little scary, but over time, you'll get more used to it, and hopefully like yourself better. Welcome to these forums. I hope you get a lot of support here.

 

[Neonatal RRT]

I agree with a lot of these statements. The one thing that is needed in order for you to "get over yourself" is self acceptance.

I have ranted many times on this forum about this general need for "sameness" and "conformity" within society. There are many societies, each with their unique cultural and social norms. So as the old saying goes, "When in Rome, do as the Romans." At a certain level, almost everyone masks. How you act when you are in the comfort of your home may be quite different than the "professional persona" you put on when you are at work, especially when dealing with the public.

As a person with autism, this flipping back and forth from one persona/mask to another can be quite a challenge. If you are one that does not read facial expressions, body language, voice modulation, etc....trying to imitate/copy what the other person is doing is just going to be seen by the other person as something a bit odd or fake. Some people are great actors,...I am not, for sure.

Knowing that, there are people who I think should know about my autism,...co-workers, my students,...people I work with professionally. When I introduce myself for the first time, I will simply tell them that I have "a form of mild autism called Asperger's Condition". I will often add a bit of humor to break the awkwardness by saying something like, "You may notice that I may be a bit "off", and your instincts are correct." I will say it with a smile. "I am a big boy, I am OK with it." I will briefly explain that sometimes I may have to ask clarifying questions, or YOU might have to ask clarifying questions, as my Asperger's affects my communication centers. If they want more information, fine. Most of the time, it's a simple "OK" and we move on with whatever we were doing that day. My approach is to simply get out in front of any judgements about me, as I have learned that if I try to hide my autism, people may misinterpret what I say and do. Then I have to apologize and explain, and by then, emotions are involved,...it's a total disaster for both of us.

So, I think if you are dealing with co-workers, your professors, other adults in an environment where you need to let them know about your condition so there aren't misinterpretations or communication issues,...I think you'll be OK. Just be brief,...don't monologue. If they want more information, they will ask,...most don't. In my experience, most mature adults will be thankful for your honesty and willingness to be open and accepting. It just eliminates a lot of worry and headaches in the long run. I see you are 20 years old, so I think you are transitioning into the adult world and away from all those immature teenagers you used to interact with. Things will get better.

As far as the little lies you tell about yourself or your experiences,...that is your own insecurities talking. When we are kids we are always trying to "one up" each other all the time, perhaps quick little teasing comments,...it's our primitive, competitive instincts at work,...you're trying to establish a "pecking order" within the group. You have got to let that behavior go. As an adult, it just comes off a bit rude,...you'll push people away. Better to go the opposite direction with your conversation and direct it into a conversation about the other person,...most people like to talk about themselves, make it seem like THEY are the interesting one,...and this often opens them up to you.

 

[Skittlebisquit]

Its hard enough for normal people to grow up, for us its often worse. It does get better. It will get better, i promise.

Its a safe place here, i hope you make friends.

 

[Louie]

TRIGGER WARNING: depression, OCD, anxiety, suicide thoughts.
Hello.
It'll be a little long, sorry for my broken english:
I was diagnosed last november. The process took almost eight months. I was already going to a psycologist since 11 years old and to a psychiatrist, since 15 years. I have been already diagnosed with severe depression, anxiety disorder and OCD, when I was 14.
I had my terapy and took my meds, but never get better, so last year I watched a video about ASD in girls, so I asked to be evalueted, and 16 sessions after, I was diagnosed with ASD level 1, but I'm still very confused with that.
I mask a lot and I can do almost everything that I was supposed to do as an neurotypical person, it only makes me feel exausted, sometimes I can't even eat and I have extreme emocional lability.
I can't stop masking even in front of my friends. I did it sometimes when I was exausted, and their asked me if I was sick, and it made me anxious.
I try very hard to be always active and convincent, cause they often compares me with Flash from Zootopia of say that I act "cartoonwish".
When I was younger, people used to say that I was cold, so I trained myself to give hugs and handshakes (I really like hugs, but only when I hug. Don't like someone suprise hugging me). I'm a copycat too. AND I HATE IT. I do it so frequently, and it makes me feel a giant liar. I feel so guilty all the time. I never knew the reason why I feel so compeled to lie about so tiny things (about something like liking shrimp). I'm ashamed of not liking shrimp.
I have extremely food selectivity too, but I can eat almost everyhing if I push it with water.
Sometimes I feel nauseous and I want to puke due to textures, but I force myself to eat.
I'm still a virgin and I can't even kiss. Only pecks. Two people that I liked broke up with me cause they said we "act more like friends", cause I'm incapable of any touch with sexual intention.
I feel so alone and guilty. I don't know anyone else on the spectrum besides my cousin. I love him, but he's nonverbal, so we can't talk about it.
How can I stop masking?
I want stop masking cause it gives me so much anxiety and guilt. Because of the OCD I register all the conversations that I have with everyone, cause I'm so afraid of misunderstand and be misunderstood. I'm exausted. I think about killing myself since I was 8 years old. I remember that I thought about hanging myself on the clothes line, cause I was feeling so alone and despaired. I always feel so alone.
I just wanna feel peace and hapiness.

While I did not get a diagnosis until I was an adult, I broke out of my cage (even before knowing the cage I was in) by learning to accept myself. When I made progress there, and even with a level of anxiety, i could not lie to myself anymore and actually started liking other people as I became more relaxed around them. I still find small talk and ordinary socializing boring, but have a good and lively group of friends who all share a love of outdoor activities. i suspect that a few of them are OCD and a few on the spectrum. Having discussions with them is like being in a room full of engineers, having a dialogue without looking directly at one another.

Importantly, and I cannot stress this enough, social isolation and lonliness is damaging. What led me to my diagnosis was when things would remind me of my isolation as a teen and young adult and I would get PTSD-like anxiety, even decades later. You do not seem to have a paralyzing social anxiety that I had. I also think that communicating well with your acquaintences is not masking, and I wish I knew then how to appropriatly communicate my emotional state and desires with people I knew rather than self-isolating.

I had the same problems as you with intimacy. Tried dating starting when I was 27, with poor results until I met a woman who shared common interests. We met on a Sierra Club trail maintenance project. She was so nice that I opened up to her. It was immediate friendship and then it was like a 2x4 blow to my head that got my attention when she accepted me sexually and I guess that, being unusual, my hesitation about intimacy vanished. I still love her and even as we age I will cherish her. Married 42 years now and that intimacy is still there.

I guess my lesson for you is to do a little introspection to understand your strengths, cherish them and learn to accept those and yourself as a whole person. Good luck on your journey.

I'm so happy about your story. I hope that I can find someone someday.
Your aswer made me believe that I'll make it.
Have a great day ♥

 

[Louie]

Consider that accepting your diagnosis and stopping masking are two entirely different things.

First, you must accept the diagnosis. Once you have accepted who you are, you can start to see "masking" as a tool that you occasionally use to make other people comfortable and not a way of life. Life is much easier that way.

I hope that I can separate me from masking.
I believe that it can be only a tool someday. Something that don't control my life as it do now.
And about my diagnosis: I'm still a little nervous about it, but I'm progressing.
Thanks for your answer ♥

 

[Louie]

Hi and welcome. Maybe just give this some time, hang out here and read threads, see if you feel you can relate to some of what people are saying.

It does sound like you think you may be overdoing the masking, I don't see why you should force yourself to eat stuff you hate. It's not only people with autism who dislike certain foods, plenty of neurotypical people hate shrimp. If you hate it, say no thanks!

Anyway, welcome, and I hope you find it supportive and interesting to be here.

Thanks for your answer ♥
I'm trying to be more kind to myself about it.
I'm following your advice and reading the threads.
Is being super informative.

 

[Louie]

Just remember a label doesn't change who you really are. You are the same person with or without a diagnosis.

Many times masking is so ingrained into us it's impossible to stop. I do it constantly. As you get older you learn your limits and not to let things bother you as much (hopefully).

I'm working hard to respect my limits.
I want to be true with myself and with my family and friends.
Thanks for your answer ♥

 

[Louie]

You don't have to be everybody else, you can just be you... if you are tired, withdraw, if someone serves you shrimp, decline or pick them out of the serving. Remember that this stage of your life is new and a little scary, but over time, you'll get more used to it, and hopefully like yourself better. Welcome to these forums. I hope you get a lot of support here.

Thank you for your answer ♥
I'm working on improving my social skils to never have to accept shrimp for politeness again.
I'm really liking the forum.

 

[Bert22]

I'm fairly new to dealing with these very issues. Its hard. I wish I knew the answers to make it easier for you.

All I can say is, none of it is your fault. Your post shows how deeply you care about this, and that's a good place to start. Take it day by day, and dont forget to breathe

 

[Louie]

I agree with a lot of these statements. The one thing that is needed in order for you to "get over yourself" is self acceptance.

I have ranted many times on this forum about this general need for "sameness" and "conformity" within society. There are many societies, each with their unique cultural and social norms. So as the old saying goes, "When in Rome, do as the Romans." At a certain level, almost everyone masks. How you act when you are in the comfort of your home may be quite different than the "professional persona" you put on when you are at work, especially when dealing with the public.

As a person with autism, this flipping back and forth from one persona/mask to another can be quite a challenge. If you are one that does not read facial expressions, body language, voice modulation, etc....trying to imitate/copy what the other person is doing is just going to be seen by the other person as something a bit odd or fake. Some people are great actors,...I am not, for sure.

Knowing that, there are people who I think should know about my autism,...co-workers, my students,...people I work with professionally. When I introduce myself for the first time, I will simply tell them that I have "a form of mild autism called Asperger's Condition". I will often add a bit of humor to break the awkwardness by saying something like, "You may notice that I may be a bit "off", and your instincts are correct." I will say it with a smile. "I am a big boy, I am OK with it." I will briefly explain that sometimes I may have to ask clarifying questions, or YOU might have to ask clarifying questions, as my Asperger's affects my communication centers. If they want more information, fine. Most of the time, it's a simple "OK" and we move on with whatever we were doing that day. My approach is to simply get out in front of any judgements about me, as I have learned that if I try to hide my autism, people may misinterpret what I say and do. Then I have to apologize and explain, and by then, emotions are involved,...it's a total disaster for both of us.

So, I think if you are dealing with co-workers, your professors, other adults in an environment where you need to let them know about your condition so there aren't misinterpretations or communication issues,...I think you'll be OK. Just be brief,...don't monologue. If they want more information, they will ask,...most don't. In my experience, most mature adults will be thankful for your honesty and willingness to be open and accepting. It just eliminates a lot of worry and headaches in the long run. I see you are 20 years old, so I think you are transitioning into the adult world and away from all those immature teenagers you used to interact with. Things will get better.

As far as the little lies you tell about yourself or your experiences,...that is your own insecurities talking. When we are kids we are always trying to "one up" each other all the time, perhaps quick little teasing comments,...it's our primitive, competitive instincts at work,...you're trying to establish a "pecking order" within the group. You have got to let that behavior go. As an adult, it just comes off a bit rude,...you'll push people away. Better to go the opposite direction with your conversation and direct it into a conversation about the other person,...most people like to talk about themselves, make it seem like THEY are the interesting one,...and this often opens them up to you.

Thank you for your answer ♥
I'm thinking about telling my friends and family about the ASD. I thought about telling them about the ocd and depression a few times ago, but I never had the courage. Only my mom and two close friends know.
I feel like I'm lying to everyone. Hope that I can skip this feeling one day.

 

[Louie]

Its hard enough for normal people to grow up, for us its often worse. It does get better. It will get better, i promise.

Its a safe place here, i hope you make friends.

Thanks for your answer ♥
I have hope that it will get better.

 

[Louie]

I'm fairly new to dealing with these very issues. Its hard. I wish I knew the answers to make it easier for you.

All I can say is, none of it is your fault. Your post shows how deeply you care about this, and that's a good place to start. Take it day by day, and dont forget to breathe

Thanks for your answer ♥
I hope that you can manage well these difficulties.
Remember to be kind with yourself. I'm trying to do this to myself too.