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How can I make my aspie husband happy?

L

Laurachiliment

Active Member
Hi guys,

I need you. :)

I think my husband has asperger syndrome: he has no friends, social interactions have always been a problem for him, he always has rules, routines, repetitive behavior. he also has depression and anxiety tendencies; but he tries to be empathetic and understands the ironies.

he is always stressed and tired; and it is very difficult for him when he has to interact with someone or when he gets out of his daily routine.

I new about his condition before I got married, but it doesn't bother me, he is the perfect man.^^

you who have this syndrome or you who have a partner with this syndrome, could you tell me how can I help him in order to be less stressed? It would be very very helpful.

I don't think diagnosis would help, he's perfectly functional ... I just want to know how to make him happy ^^

ps. sorry for the typos, i am not a natural english speaker.

Thank you very much
 
This is great you are trying to be the best partner. Being on the spectrum myself, we need to feel secure and that you are compassionate 24/7 in relating to us. Think getting him to open up and talk to you about his needs would be a great start. Then ask if a monthly catch up on everything would make him feel good. Sorta of relationship maintenance. Ex. - every month on the 18th , you sit down, check-in, and listen, maybe follow up with a date nite (date nite is reward for doing maintenance) to just elevate everything. Just an idea. You would also talk about your concerns, clear the air of any misunderstandings either of you had, and give compliments before listing any pet peeves. :)
 
full
(If you want to correct the spelling in the title, click on "Thread Tools," just above your first post...)
 
Hello and Welcome.

I agree with Aspychata on the need to feel secure talking with a partner.
Trusting someone enough to feel they want to understand and won't just shut me up
with the attitude of really just don't care or want to be bothered is so important.
I still haven't found anyone I do trust that much, so most everything is kept inside with
the thought I must present what they want to hear only.

If somehow you can break through that wall of not allowing someone in that we can talk
truly with and be able to relax without masking, I think would be the most important thing.
I know it is for me.
 
Very good advice, i will try my best. I really want to understand him and i think i can, in mod situations.
Maybeyou can help me with this question too: do you have any idea how to make him feel less stressed in social situations? I try to limit the interactions, but I can't limit them all :(
 
Laurachiliment said:
Hi guys,

I need you. :)

I think my husband has asperger syndrome: he has no friends, social interactions have always been a problem for him, he always has rules, routines, repetitive behavior. he also has depression and anxiety tendencies; but he tries to be empathetic and understands the ironies.

he is always stressed and tired; and it is very difficult for him when he has to interact with someone or when he gets out of his daily routine.

I new about his condition before I got married, but it doesn't bother me, he is the perfect man.^^

you who have this syndrome or you who have a partner with this syndrome, could you tell me how can I help him in order to be less stressed? It would be very very helpful.

I don't think diagnosis would help, he's perfectly functional ... I just want to know how to make him happy ^^

ps. sorry for the typos, i am not a natural english speaker.

Thank you very much
Click to expand...
To be honest the world would never have to change no shouting no loud noises no sudden noises however much I want the world to change to what I wanted to be it won't and I don't think it's possible for you to take it away my mother tried couldn't do it I know a lot of it for me is how I perceive panic if I could perceive it as stopping I would be a lot better but I can't the best thing I do is just stay in bed for a long time and I mean days at a time
 
George Newman said:
Laura, thank you for trying.

To manage stressful social situations? I have to acknowledge that due to my autistic traits, I’m not good at social situations and it is not fair for me to make my mate miserable as I try to power thru. I’m not saying your mate does this but it’s my guess. I did.

Once I have acknowledged that I have a stressful situation I need to attend then I have to spend time preparing. I put together The who, what, when, where, why, and how ... I think it will go. I work it out in my head.

After all the preparation, the social event normally isn’t great and I stress out and need a bit of solitude afterward to recover.

It’s a lot to ask a mate as understanding as you are to live thru. Living with autism is complicated and includes more than just social events.

My mate left just after my diagnosis. She was exhausted and done trying. Two years later, I can understand her situation and can’t blame her for stepping away. I have a lot to give in a relationship but I bring a lot to manage. It’s better for me to be by myself.

I wish you the best. Thank you again for trying. As an autistic man I appreciate your love, care, and willingness to try.

Blessings and peace to you and your mate.
Click to expand...

Your description of preparation and recovery from social events reminds me of myself. The last couple family functions I attended, a wedding reception and a Christmas outing, resulted in my having to excuse myself to go back to our hotel to de-stress from the loud talking and cross conversations, strange lighting, etc. By 10 PM I have reached my limit, and I end up leaving my wife who stays out until 1 AM or later with her siblings bar hopping. The last time this happened my sister-in-law got mad and tried to prevent me from leaving, and I reacted poorly to this.
 
Laurachiliment said:
Maybeyou can help me with this question too: do you have any idea how to make him feel less stressed in social situations? I try to limit the interactions, but I can't limit them all :(
Click to expand...

I applaud your effort :)

Try to understand that social situations are his to figure out and find what's comfortable for him and what isn't.

You could be his 'wingman/woman' though.
Ask him how he thinks you might be able to help.
How he thinks you could support him in those sort of situations.
If indeed he would like any support.

I can understand why you would want to fix it so that he's happy :)

Just try to bare in mind that it may be something that needs acceptance more than it needs changing.

Thanks for trying though :)
 
Laurachiliment said:
Hi guys,

I need you. :)

I think my husband has asperger syndrome: he has no friends, social interactions have always been a problem for him, he always has rules, routines, repetitive behavior. he also has depression and anxiety tendencies; but he tries to be empathetic and understands the ironies.

he is always stressed and tired; and it is very difficult for him when he has to interact with someone or when he gets out of his daily routine.

I new about his condition before I got married, but it doesn't bother me, he is the perfect man.^^

you who have this syndrome or you who have a partner with this syndrome, could you tell me how can I help him in order to be less stressed? It would be very very helpful.

I don't think diagnosis would help, he's perfectly functional ... I just want to know how to make him happy ^^

ps. sorry for the typos, i am not a natural english speaker.

Thank you very much
Click to expand...
You have received some good advice in this thread. I want to comment about a couple of things in your opening post.

First, I'm not convinced by your description that your husband has Asperger's or autism. There are other problems that could cause the picture you describe. The first that came to mind was OCD, but there are others. It may make no difference, but it also may cause you to think about your husband in an inaccurate way.

Secondly, I always challenge the question "how can I make him happy?" None of us can make another person happy - that's a dangerous fallacy. We can create a pleasant, unstressful atmosphere in home life and our interactions, but a partner may still be unhappy. I suggest trying to have a pleasant, supportive style in your home, but give up on the concept of making him happy.

Maybe these are just semantic differences caused by a language difference. Anyway, thanks for opening this conversation.
 
Streetwise said:
To be honest the world would never have to change no shouting no loud noises no sudden noises however much I want the world to change to what I wanted to be it won't and I don't think it's possible for you to take it away my mother tried couldn't do it I know a lot of it for me is how I perceive panic if I could perceive it as stopping I would be a lot better but I can't the best thing I do is just stay in bed for a long time and I mean days at a time
Click to expand...
thanx for your answer^^.
it would be great to stay in bed for some days but unfortunatelly this is not an option because he nas to work, we have a baby... :/. if you have any other ideas that would help, please share.
hope you're feeling fine ^^.
thanx
 
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