How can I support my partner with autism? And how should i phrase things to him?

[meisale]

I know that it is terrible to diagnose someone yourself if they haven't had a medical diagnosis. But I need support, and thats why I am coming here.

I am a 32f dating a wonderful 38m. He is very good at giving practical advice, he is very logical, and he is super smart. They are the reasons i fell for him. He is also fun; enjoys conversation and going to the theatre and other things I enjoy. He has some behaviours that have made me wonder if i need to support him in a different way though, as some of these behaviours have caused issues in our relationship. I love him, and I want to understand.

• He is very sensitive to certain sensations. He hates being touched/ stroked against the direction of his hair, and he can only handle firm pressure [not soft touches].
  
  
• He is sensitive to having cold eyes or warm ears.
  
  
• He is very pedantic about language. he will frequently interrupt conversations to correct pronunciation or use of words, even if he can still understand what is being said. He does not see that sometimes, interrupting can be perceived as rude, or as disrupting the flow of conversation.
• If he notices something awkward or off he MUST point it out. Like if someone is wearing a hat he finds silly, or if something is out of place. He can't keep it inside to save the other person awkwardness. He must point out the elephant in the room.

• He loves routine, but more than most. From the time he spends on the toilet each morning to the order in which he does things, he is very structured. He always keeps plans [yay!] and takes commitments seriously.
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• He has never french kissed me, ever, or made out with me, and I suspect now this is to do with his aversion to certain sensations.

• When i tell him precisely what I need or want in no uncertain terms he responds. Without this, he can forget invitations or conversations. it's even better if i text invitations as opposed to speaking to him about them as he can sometimes think i'm being vague! He needs direct, simple requests.
  
  
• He gets fixated on topics. On a three-hour road trip to a weekend getaway he explained to me how the cruise control function worked on his car. He then, for the next three hours, kept bringing it up, referring to motorists passing us and how he could tell whether or not they had cruise control.... he could not let it drop. He would not see it that way though! Another time I needed to get a taxi from the airport and he kept going on and on at me that I should use a certain driver he books for airport pick-ups. i kept explaining why that wouldn't be convenient to me but he did not let it drop. Something so little became like, a proper full-on longwinded conversation. and not a conversation, more him telling me why i should do this.
  
  
• He can't stand to be interrupted during a rant. He may be talking about politics or world events, and even if i chime in 'yes i agree! and my thoughts on it are x, y and z', he will get very annoyed and say 'let me finish'. i understand interrupting people is rude, but a conversation requires back and forth. Even when i agree with him, he can't stand being interrupted. He gets utterly fixated. This is frustrating because apparently it's okay for him to interrupt me to correct me on my pronunciation and grammar, but it's not okay for me to interrupt to contribute to a conversation. i have spoken to him about this though and i don't get the sense he is trying to hurt me. but he also can't help himself and keeps doing it... he has started correcting me under his breath, as though doing so means it doesn't really count and i don't notice/ get hurt.
  
  
• He is very logical and practical and sees things in black and white. He can sometimes focus on the negatives so much he will decide something is not worth it. He doesn't realise there are other outcomes and perspectives.
  
  
• I am not allowed to tell him i think he is gorgeous [and god, i do] or attractive or smart because "scientifically" he is only slightly above average or average. So he thinks I'm being stupid or falsely flattering him, or just flattering him to get a compliment back! He doesn't feel a need for praise or flattery at all. more than that, it makes him annoyed and uncomfortable. This is hard for me as I genuinely, utterly love him and find him brilliant and gorgeous. You could put him next to Ryan Gosling and I'd choose him every time!
  
  
• I want to tell him I love him but worry given everything else I have mentioned it will freak him out or push him away. That he might think there is not enough 'evidence' or time spent in the relationship [6 months] to 'love'. But I do.
• he's obsessed with punctuality/ the most efficient routes/ timetables. more so than a person who just likes to be punctual.

So, they're the issues. I worry I make him mad without even realising it by doing things like complimenting him, or shutting down and getting sad when he doesn't respond to me in the way I need him to when i am sick. When I am sick, I have learned i need to say to him, 'i am very sick and i need you now' and he will always do exactly as i have asked. but vague mentions of 'i'm unwell, i feel awful' is not enough to prompt him; i have to say 'and i need you'.

He is not a jerk. He doesn't do these things to hurt me. But I'm terrified my actions and lack of understanding will make him leave me if, indeed, he does have autism. i think he has ended relationships with previous longterm partners because his 'logic' kicks in and he begins thinking 'i make her unhappy when i fail to hug her when she cries, therefore longterm she will be unhappy, we might as well end this now'. He probably also focusses on all the times I upset him [ie - complimenting him too much, going silent and quiet when he upsets or confuses me/ corrects me] rather than focussing on how much I adore him and how much fun we also have together.

I need advice and help. I want to understand him. i don't think his quirks are weird or insurmountable, but i do want him to feel comfortable around me and maybe even one day he can accept that I am allowed to find him more gorgeous than ryan gosling even if he doesn't think that's true. it is my right to love him. my psychologist said from all i've told her she thinks he has autism but of course, i know ideally he would get diagnosed. but from what i have listed, do these behaviours sound like high-functioning autism to you? Or maybe he has been diagnosed and he's never told me. Either way, I want to be there for him and to make him happy.

 

[Ambi]

That is a long list, but it sound like you do know how to keep from upsetting him. You know....if he is on the spectrum, I don't think he'd leave very easily - only because so many people on this forum struggle to find any relationship at all, so I think they would really value it. Having some self-awareness about his issue, if he does have ASD, could help him be more understanding of your challenges, too. Not much help, but those are my thoughts. Yikes, if only my husband could remember your first bullet point - but I don't know if he ever will. So he tries to be loving with his light touches, and what happens to me is I am immediately transformed into flight or fight mode neurologically. I get far more tense rather than relaxed. Another thing I can't stand, for whatever reason, is to be touched while I am eating, and he hugs or snuggles a little sometimes - all it takes is one second to cause me to stiffen and hold my breath.

 

[meisale]

He has told me that he has had several longterm relationships, and that he has been the one to end all of them.

That is a long list, but it sound like you do know how to keep from upsetting him. You know....if he is on the spectrum, I don't think he'd leave very easily - only because so many people on this forum struggle to find any relationship at all, so I think they would really value it. Having some self-awareness about his issue, if he does have ASD, could help him be more understanding of your challenges, too. Not much help, but those are my thoughts. Yikes, if only my husband could remember your first bullet point - but I don't know if he ever will. So he tries to be loving with his light touches, and what happens to me is I am immediately transformed into flight or fight mode neurologically. I get far more tense rather than relaxed. Another thing I can't stand, for whatever reason, is to be touched while I am eating, and he hugs or snuggles a little sometimes - all it takes is one second to cause me to stiffen and hold my breath.

 

[Ambi]

He has told me that he has had several longterm relationships, and that he has been the one to end all of them.

Well, I think he'll have to be the one to tell you what works for him and doesn't work for him, and you'll have to decide if you can maintain all of that and be happy rather than on egg shells. I don't think it's healthy or helpful to feel anxious about him possibly wanting to end the relationship with you. It may be your right to love him, but maybe at a distance, and he certainly has a right not be "loved" in the manner you want to (e.g. telling him he's gorgeous, etc.) - that is not your right to impose on him. Also, it is his right to walk away for whatever reason he wants.

 

[meisale]

But that's what this whole post was about? making sure I accommodate him and don't upset him. I'd never force myself on anyone. My point is he can tell me it's silly and inaccurate to find him attractive and to love him all he wants but that doesn't change how i feel about him. it doesn't mean i will keep complimenting him even though he doesn't like it, or that i won't 'let' him break up with me. of course that's his choice.

Well, I think he'll have to be the one to tell you what works for him and doesn't work for him, and you'll have to decide if you can maintain all of that and be happy rather than on egg shells. I don't think it's healthy or helpful to feel anxious about him possibly wanting to end the relationship with you. It may be your right to love him, but maybe at a distance, and he certainly has a right not be "loved" in the manner you want to (e.g. telling him he's gorgeous, etc.) - that is not your right to impose on him. Also, it is his right to walk away for whatever reason he wants.

 

[Ambi]

But that's what this whole post was about? making sure I accommodate him and don't upset him. I'd never force myself on anyone. My point is he can tell me it's silly and inaccurate to find him attractive and to love him all he wants but that doesn't change how i feel about him. it doesn't mean i will keep complimenting him even though he doesn't like it, or that i won't 'let' him break up with me. of course that's his choice.

Okay, honestly, I don't know what the point of your post or thread is, period. You say you want to learn how to accommodate him, then you plunk down this long list that you already know. The way you make sure you accomodate him is by asking him and trying to abide by what he says about what accommodations he needs. We do not all have the same preferences and needs as he does, so we can't give you additional ideas, you have to learn that from him. Maybe if you are more specific on what it is you are trying to understand about him, other people can help you here. I just think your hope that he one day accept your compliments when he doesn't like them now, and the fact that you emphasized after that point that it is "your right" to love him - it just seemed kind of odd/strange and maybe a bit weird/obsessive. If you want to love him, love him. Perhaps others will understand the point of this thread more and give you satisfactory answers.

 

[Keigan]

Wow - I struggle to hold back my anxiety toward this thread.

You spent all of this energy to articulate all of the issues.

Do yourself a favor, research Casandra Syndrome Emotional Reciprocity.

 

[Progster]

That guy sounds just like me! Luckily I have a partner who is kind and tolerant of my quirks and accepts me for who I am without trying to change me or asking me to be something that I's not.