How can somebody learn how to feel comfortable in his own skin?

[Metalhead]

That is the root of most of my problems, according to both my sponsor and my therapist. I keep seeking external validation, when I should learn how to find validation within myself. I look around me and it seems like most of the people around me really have their lives together, even when basic knowledge of the human condition dictates that just can’t be true. I keep comparing my insides to other people’s external appearances, and I cannot measure up when I do that.

So now the real hard work begins - learning how to not dismiss myself, since if I can’t be good with myself, how can I be good with anybody else? Nobody wants me to throw myself down a gutter for their sake.

I am not the only person here who is facing this barrier. Hell, I probably am with 90% of humans on this one, at least. I want to be a better friend to those I care about, but I am not a good friend to myself. Not really looking for pep talk or validation here, but solid practical actions I could take would be appreciated.

 

[Thinx]

I worked a lot in group therapy, which gave me a lot of opportunities to hear about and learn from the issues and learning of others, and also to receive feedback. I also found working on a process called, Turning down the volume, of parental voices in my head, very useful. It could be probably that the internalised negativity of others about you is what you are actually up against.

Try to see if there are negative phrases you apply to yourself, and also if there are phrases you recall from childhood, and work on turning down the volume on such phrases or ideas. I said stuff to myself/them, such as, Yeah, that's what you thought, but it's not my opinion. And, well that's not helpful, is it? Or, that's an unhelpful mean thing to say, and I m guessing you learned it from my grandad, who was also mean to you. I don't agree, I think this could be a great idea. Etc.

Yes out loud, at home, and in my head out in the world! I am in charge of me, and I am an encouraging parent of myself...

 

[All-Rounder]

I was praised by my therapist by finding an inner strength to start understanding and supporting, being gentle with myself.

I usually go by being my best friend. I wouldn't put down my best friend in the way that I used to so why would I do it to myself? Im supposed to be the main support system for myself since I can only be sure to have myself around.

Self forgiveness is very important, understanding that flaws and mistakes make you no less worthy and lovable.

Realizing when I'm shooting myself down and breaking that pattern by not being judgy with it, but calm and patient, and changing my thinking by offering myself trust and realistic value.

Doimg things that honor who I aim to be helps me feel good about myself and like I can rely to be the best version of myself and no longer feel powerless.

Needs are very important, find out what you need to feel validated and work on fulfilling it with your own available tools. Do you need to feel you mean something in the world? You may try to win oscars but that need is likely more complicated. It sprouts from the inside.

Self-care is essential

"1. Physical Well-Being. Commit to making your physical health important and worthy of appreciation, time, energy, and sacrifice. Begin by reading widely available information about wellness, diet, and exercise, and decide which are optimal for you. Pursue your regimen of health vigorously—not only for yourself, but to make the world a better place.


2. Emotional Well-Being. Make your emotional well-being worthy of appreciation, time, energy, and sacrifice. Emotional well-being has many dimensions:

• Honor your deepest values. The most potent contributor to consistent emotional well-being is fidelity to your deepest values. When we are true to our deepest values—whatever they are—we feel more genuine. When we violate those values, we experience guilt, shame, and anxiety—not as punishments, but as reminders to be authentic. If your life feels genuine, with sustained interest, purpose, conviction, and compassion, you have created a set of values and more or less kept true to them.
• Survey your environment. We continually survey our environment for objects of attraction and threat—as one evolutionary anthropologist put it, food, affiliation, sex, saber-tooth tigers, and snakes in the grass. Many people, as researcher John Gottman has said, continually survey their environment for anything that might possibly be negative. They have trained their brains, quite inadvertently, to look for things that will make them feel down, resentful, anxious, or angry, which they inevitably find and almost always blame on the people around them. Fortunately, our brains can do the opposite—look for something to appreciate, enjoy, or be interested in—although it takes practice, as well as commitment to emotional well-being. We have very little control over the environment we live in, but we have considerable control over where in the environment to aim our focus. There are innumerable things around us that can stimulate interest, curiosity, enjoyment, courage, compassion, and kindness. Seek them out.
• Act on what's most important. Much of the suffering in the world occurs when people violate what is most important to them by acting on what is less important. Think of the big mistakes you’ve made in life: Nearly every one probably involves devaluing someone or something important to you by acting on something that was not as important.
• Value when feeling devalued. When we feel devalued, we feel we must do something that will make us feel more valuable—not more powerful. The easiest way to feel valuable is to be compassionate, kind, or loving. This is a simple but transformative skill, which anyone can acquire with practice. When you feel powerless, do something that will make you feel more valuable (e.g., compassionate, kind, or loving). In 20 minutes—or less, if not a lot of cortisol was secreted with the negative emotion—your self-value will be higher than before the powerless feeling occurred."

 

[Ezra]

I feel more comfortable living in my skin than I would living in someone else's.

 

[oregano]

When somebody is abused as much as you have been for as long as you (starting in early childhood) and then told repeatedly that it is all your fault and that you exist to be the world's punching bag, you internalize that before you have the capability to look at it from the perspective of a rational adult. The other side of your issue is that you are comparing yourself not to real people but to one dimensional social media cariactures of people. I'm always reminded of the guy who constantly posted on Facebook about how much he loved his wife and how wonderful she was...and then was charged with murdering her. The "people" you see on social media are not real, they are cartoons made to superficially impress the internet. The real people behind them are far more complex, in fact I bet that a lot of the Facebook perfect people hide real people who are in a lot of mental torment and unhappiness. I would recommend simply logging off social media as much as you can.

 

[Mia]

One morning I woke up with the thought that I was not a 'bad' person. This was something I had been told since childhood by family, school and religion. I was an adult who believed somehow that I was a bad person, made to believe such a thing by others.

Considered my life so far, lying there in bed. I made a checklist of things I considered bad at the time, stealing, hurting or abusing others, murder. I'd not done any of those things. In fact, I concluded that I had never been a bad person, and it was a kind of epiphany.

I realized at that time that I didn't know myself. Had lived my life controlled by the opinions of others at work, school, family, religion, and friends. I'd fallen into roles that they ascribed to me. As an artist I have lots of canvas, illustration boards, paper and cardboard. That morning I began to use a technique that I learned to work out ideas for art projects.

Every day I wrote things on large boards with markers, things I liked, hated, thought,
ideas, even words that appealed to me. Each night I condensed the essence of them and made another board, which I kept with me while brushing my teeth, getting dressed, eating, coming back from work or school and could see upon waking up. I did this for months to years, it was a Mia campaign to understand myself.

It gave me clues about myself. Although it's not conclusive, it was helpful in discovering aspects of self that I was unaware of. Which led to a better understanding of my personality, confused as it was at the time. You might look and consider the roles you take on in games, the music you like, the anime you like, the movies, the books. Look for patterns, and although your likes and dislikes may change over the years, there is still real information there. If you pay attention to it.

 

[menander]

I am not sure anyone can feel ok without others to validate at least their existence. In fact, there are whole fields of philosophy to suggest existence itself is not possible without the "other." Others still suggest God himself created man in order to substantiate his existence! I am not a theologian but I find that fascinating.

A lot of what we hear in therapy is just pie-in-the-sky that goes against the grain of common sense. Not all of it. But people everywhere do NOT do well in a vacuum. So this idealistic view that ANYONE could (let alone a person with extensive trauma and invalidation!) seems ludicrous to me.

The sad fact is people have to learn to live that way. Not all. There are some societies where people are not alone, they are still part of the entire whole. Same with many religious groups and ethnic peoples. For a therapist who obviously has a job (i.e people substantiating his/her existence), probably a partner, co-workers, etc to tell a person who may be living in a vacuum that s/he can get comfortable in what amounts to soft solitary confinement is just weird.

If you master it, though, let us know. I do hope you can. Obviously some even are able to master solitary confinement proper!

 

[All-Rounder]

Being self reliant on your deep needs doesn't mean you are not appreciative of others and what they bring into your life. My therapist said that we should use others for an addition to our life rather than rely on them for deeper things. I always find it hard not to deeply involve myself with others but it can be healthier if you fulfill your needs and rely on yourself for these things. Don't make anyone pretty much your provider, it gives means to codependency and high expectations that are hard to deal with for both parties.

Having a harpoon for friends instead of a fishnet further increases the need to deeply connect with the only or few friends we tend to focus on, being autistic. We may not always understand why they need other friends than us and don't so heavily rely on us. I struggle understanding these. To me a friend is more than I need but most people feel differently, even spectrum ones.

 

[Jumpback]

That is the root of most of my problems, according to both my sponsor and my therapist. I keep seeking external validation, when I should learn how to find validation within myself. I look around me and it seems like most of the people around me really have their lives together, even when basic knowledge of the human condition dictates that just can’t be true. I keep comparing my insides to other people’s external appearances, and I cannot measure up when I do that.

So now the real hard work begins - learning how to not dismiss myself, since if I can’t be good with myself, how can I be good with anybody else? Nobody wants me to throw myself down a gutter for their sake.

I am not the only person here who is facing this barrier. Hell, I probably am with 90% of humans on this one, at least. I want to be a better friend to those I care about, but I am not a good friend to myself. Not really looking for pep talk or validation here, but solid practical actions I could take would be appreciated.

Social mammals have to be part of a pack/herd/troop/clan/whatever to be protected, accepted, etc, so external validation is core to what makes us feel ok with ourselves and safe and secure

I have a different problem in that very obvious crimes and wrongs committed against me as an adult were repeatedly ignored or blamed on me or meant things were terrible about me or wrong with me, so I initially was forced into doubting everything about myself by especially authority figures accusations, but then developed anger and rage issues which have controlled me ever since I realized that I was wronged.

But it *may possibly be* basically the same problem, in that nothing is worse for a mammal than the herd being against them.

I have found no way to let go and get better, all I can do is distract myself.

I mean from an evolutionary standpoint, things like simply not having simple external validation should be some of the worst fears and traumas. Like a lone Gazelle or monkey is just easy prey for predators. Choosing to be a lone gazelle or monkey is one thing, but the herd or troop being against you and kicking you out is a different thing. This is not a good thing.

Like a dog chained outside and ignored for a couple years might become mentally unwell. Even without trauma, this just goes deeply against a dogs natural instincts

I don’t know that really is a help from such things except to distract oneself from such feelings

 

[Jumpback]

When somebody is abused as much as you have been for as long as you (starting in early childhood) and then told repeatedly that it is all your fault and that you exist to be the world's punching bag, you internalize that before you have the capability to look at it from the perspective of a rational adult. The other side of your issue is that you are comparing yourself not to real people but to one dimensional social media cariactures of people. I'm always reminded of the guy who constantly posted on Facebook about how much he loved his wife and how wonderful she was...and then was charged with murdering her. The "people" you see on social media are not real, they are cartoons made to superficially impress the internet. The real people behind them are far more complex, in fact I bet that a lot of the Facebook perfect people hide real people who are in a lot of mental torment and unhappiness. I would recommend simply logging off social media as much as you can.

I was forced into group therapy for the past 4 weeks, which I fought against, and even though I have the one issue that can never be mentioned, have mostly enjoyed it

All of the most messed up people so far are men. There just is no question that suicide rates confirm my personal experiences

Suicide in the United States - Wikipedia

For whatever reason, women may be mistreated far more often, but for whatever reason their complaints are generally taken more seriously and without as many accusations and blames as very low status and beaten down men. And this has been somewhat consistent throughout history. Like Japanese male pilots in WWII were expected to be suicidal kamikazees and they complied because this is what was expected of them as men, and if they were afraid to commit suicide in the line of duty, maybe they were expected to fall upon their swords, and there was no sympathy at all for non compliance.

This issue almost always holds true, men who were sexually assaulted even multiple times as child stars in Hollywood issues are still not being fairly addressed, while women experiencing things have been largely addressed. Probably why men on the Ellen DeGeneres show’s misbehavior has escaped notice until just now, since 2 of 3 criminals targeted men, often far more aggressively than simple touching that had been weeded out of Hollywood by men who targeted women a couple years ago.

I mean it’s either everyone is afraid of accusing gays of wrongdoing, especially involving attempts to aggressively conquest straight men, or it’s that men’s issues are never addressed because men are expected to have some secret knowledge of how to deal with everything.

But male mammals are always in more danger of being just kicked out of their social group with no sympathy, even though male mammals may not experience as many wrongs. Like a male monkey loses in a fight to alpha monkey leader or possibly just is problematic and he is kicked out, left to fend for himself with no protection and no social group.

Females seem to be a bit in the middle, where they can never gain control and power, but rarely face as severe consequences. And are harassed a lot more often by mostly dominant or at least confident male mammals, but rarely can obtain either extremes of power and control or complete ostrification that can leave males with absolutely no hope of finding a mate and being totally isolated against their desires.

 

[Aspychata]

That is the root of most of my problems, according to both my sponsor and my therapist. I keep seeking external validation, when I should learn how to find validation within myself. I look around me and it seems like most of the people around me really have their lives together, even when basic knowledge of the human condition dictates that just can’t be true. I keep comparing my insides to other people’s external appearances, and I cannot measure up when I do that.

So now the real hard work begins - learning how to not dismiss myself, since if I can’t be good with myself, how can I be good with anybody else? Nobody wants me to throw myself down a gutter for their sake.

I am not the only person here who is facing this barrier. Hell, I probably am with 90% of humans on this one, at least. I want to be a better friend to those I care about, but I am not a good friend to myself. Not really looking for pep talk or validation here, but solid practical actions I could take would be appreciated.

When l first read your post, l felt useless. Today l reread your post. l say to you, how about feeling okay with being uncomfortable in your skin. In fact, let's embrace this feeling. Let's acknowledge it. Only then can you release it to allow yourself to feel what's next. Your freedom comes from embracing feeling uncomfortable. Because then you open up yourself for more feelings- like acceptance.☺ Just an idea. Don't hate me for this. lol