How do I ask others for help?

[cherryq]

I hate asking for help, but sometimes I know that I need it. I especially need it in environments where I encounter both social and sensory overloads and become overwhelmed. I never know how to ask others for help though. Many times, I want to ask someone for help, but I don't know how to ask, who to ask, or what to do before, during, and after I have asked. (I like to know all of these things before initiating the social conversation required in order to ask someone for help, which often leaves me in a state of confusion because I know I need help and cannot figure out how to tell someone that I need it.) Does anyone else have this problem? Any suggestions? Thanks in advance.

 

[Sylar]

I guess it depends on the environment but if possible you should just go to the first person who is there to help and simply ask them. I used to find myself in the same situation and while most of the time I did nothing and got by, I would ask if I needed it rather than having a slight problem I can figure out myself. If this is an education setting it'd be your teacher/tutor/professor or even a counsellor, in a work setting it'd be your boss or superior.

It doesn't matter what you do before, during or after because for the most part nobody cares, and everyone involved in the exchange will want you walking away knowing what to do. These people are there to help and make sure your task gets done so even walking up to them in silence and then bluntly blurting out your ask for help with your problem is enough.

 

[wyverary]

Your first stop will be a professional. If you don't have access to one...well, I hope this doesn't come across as cynical, but you will stand to find out who your true friends really are. I've been blessed in that regard, having an excellent therapist AND wonderful friends. I can't give a definitive answer, but my hope is you have some friends in whom you can confide, safely, confidentially, without fear of judgement. And of course, you have us here on AC.

 

[Tom]

Can you give a few specific examples? I think it would help to know the settings/environment.

 

[cherryq]

Can you give a few specific examples? I think it would help to know the settings/environment.

Okay, so examples are varied but here goes:

One example would be this: I am at work and my supervisor tells me to call someone on the phone to obtain more information (she is oddly opposed to email...says it is too impersonal). I often do not know what to ask for the information, appropriately navigate the phone call, etc. However, I also do not know how to ask my supervisor for help in this area. Self-diagnosed and haven't told anyone at work about my struggles...

Another example would be if I am at a church event or similar social setting with lots of people. It can be very overwhelming for me and it's hard to cope. The way my church works is that you walk in and they seat from front to back of the auditorium, so when you get there depends on where you sit. They don't sit people in the back unless you get there late. I love my church and they way they do things, but they use a lot of bright lights on stage and have very loud music. I would prefer to sit in the back but do not know who to ask to sit in the back or if that would be acceptable to sit in the very back when they want people to fill in the rows of seats from front to back.

A third example would be in school. I have auditory processing issues (just found out about this this past week from a professional), though no official diagnosis has been given yet since I've only been to one session so far with the psychologist. I had a lot of problems in my undergrad with professors during lectures. I would often have difficulty following what they were saying, staying focused because of

 

[Dryope]

A lot of it is in how you ask the question. I've had a good model for this at work the past year -- she spoke in a firm, confident voice when she asked the question. I've found that kind of voice tone helps make the question make me seem less weak. If you watch legal or medical dramas on TV, I think they use some of this voice tone. I try to employ it in the office. It seems to convey: "I am dependable and I know what I'm doing, I just need help with this one small point."

This voice tone helps in the office. You don't necessarily need it in other contexts. It takes some time to learn.

 

[Nitro]

Okay, so examples are varied but here goes:

One example would be this: I am at work and my supervisor tells me to call someone on the phone to obtain more information (she is oddly opposed to email...says it is too impersonal). I often do not know what to ask for the information, appropriately navigate the phone call, etc. However, I also do not know how to ask my supervisor for help in this area. Self-diagnosed and haven't told anyone at work about my struggles...

Another example would be if I am at a church event or similar social setting with lots of people. It can be very overwhelming for me and it's hard to cope. The way my church works is that you walk in and they seat from front to back of the auditorium, so when you get there depends on where you sit. They don't sit people in the back unless you get there late. I love my church and they way they do things, but they use a lot of bright lights on stage and have very loud music. I would prefer to sit in the back but do not know who to ask to sit in the back or if that would be acceptable to sit in the very back when they want people to fill in the rows of seats from front to back.



A third example would be in school. I have auditory processing issues (just found out about this this past week from a professional), though no official diagnosis has been given yet since I've only been to one session so far with the psychologist. I had a lot of problems in my undergrad with professors during lectures. I would often have difficulty following what they were saying, staying focused because of

Your employer should want each employee to understand their task at hand,be direct and ask for specific information concerning it.The stupidest questions are the ones that don't get asked

If the house of your creator cannot make adjustments for one of the creator's own works,maybe it is time for a change of venues.You need to clearly state your own case to them and hopefully they will respond in a favorable manner.

If possible,record the class and review the material at your own pace,where you can further research the parts you feel you don't fully understand. Each person has a unique learning style,this method may be helpful for you.

 

[Tom]

One example would be this: I am at work and my supervisor tells me to call someone on the phone to obtain more information (she is oddly opposed to email...says it is too impersonal). I often do not know what to ask for the information, appropriately navigate the phone call, etc. However, I also do not know how to ask my supervisor for help in this area. Self-diagnosed and haven't told anyone at work about my struggles...

Have a notepad and pen handy at work always. When given more then basic instructions write it down or if you miss it ask your boss to repeat it so you can write it down. In this case if the boss does not mention what info they want, ask what information they want you to get. If asked why you are writing it down say that it is to be sure not to forget anything and get all the needed info. Generally workers taking notes is seen as a responsible behavior.

Another example would be if I am at a church event or similar social setting with lots of people. It can be very overwhelming for me and it's hard to cope. The way my church works is that you walk in and they seat from front to back of the auditorium, so when you get there depends on where you sit. They don't sit people in the back unless you get there late. I love my church and they way they do things, but the y use a lot of bright lights on stage and have very loud music. I would prefer to sit in the back but do not know who to ask to sit in the back or if that would be acceptable to sit in the very back when they want people to fill in the rows of seats from front to back.

There are two approaches. First, the next time an usher takes you to your seat, tell them you need to sit in the back because you have a problem with the loud noise and lights. They should seat you in the back without further question. If for some reason they insist you sit in front, go sit in front and once the service has started get up and seat yourself in back. Or get up go to the rest room and when returning sit in the back. This is a medical issue and if any usher is not understanding, first talk to the Head usher about it and if that doesn't solve the problem speak with the Deacon, or Pastor.

A third example would be in school. I have auditory processing issues (just found out about this this past week from a professional), though no official diagnosis has been given yet since I've only been to one session so far with the psychologist. I had a lot of problems in my undergrad with professors during lectures. I would often have difficulty following what they were saying, staying focused because of

Do some experimentation with sitting in different places in the room or auditorium (ie. front, back, left, right, middle). The acoustics can be quite different in different locations and some will be likely easier for you to hear then others. It might change depending on the lecturer though. Some are loud and some quieter, etc.

As far as having difficultly processing the lecture, can you expand on that a little?

 

[Beverly]

I agree, with your supervisor, be direct and simply ask what specific information you need to obtain.

With the church, just tell the ushers you have sensitive hearing and, would be more comfortable seated in the back of the auditorium.

Record the lecture and review it later, in a quiet place, like at home or a secluded park or someplace you are at ease and can listen. If it's that you find the subject boring and can't focus, not much for that except making yourself pay attention to boring material because you need the grade.

 

[nowwhat]

I have to urge caution here. Be careful whom you reach out to and trust. There are those who will help you, but be careful.

 

[NTgirl4276]

If possible,record the class and review the material at your own pace,where you can further research the parts you feel you don't fully understand. Each person has a unique learning style,this method may be helpful for you.

I think this is a GREAT idea. I would also check with your teacher to make sure they are okay with you recording them; some teachers reserve the legal right not to have their lectures or discussions recorded, for a variety of reasons. So, this option is an awesome one and I think will be very helpful, but it may require a conversation with and possibly a disclosure to your teacher. Though, I think most teachers are completely fine with just hearing something generic like, "I would learn better if I could follow the lectures at my own pace."

 

[Mia]

A third example would be in school. I have auditory processing issues (just found out about this this past week from a professional), though no official diagnosis has been given yet since I've only been to one session so far with the psychologist. I had a lot of problems in my undergrad with professors during lectures. I would often have difficulty following what they were saying, staying focused because of

Recording the lecture is a good idea, I did the same at college and university. Another thing I did during that time was form small study groups with other people in my classes. Sometimes small groups can help one another, and other times they don't work very well. I've had groups with other classmates whose learning styles complimented one another, and groups with at least one 'slacker' who used the group so they wouldn't have to do the actual work. So it depends on who is in it, it also serves as social interaction as well.

 

[cherryq]

A lot of it is in how you ask the question. I've had a good model for this at work the past year -- she spoke in a firm, confident voice when she asked the question. I've found that kind of voice tone helps make the question make me seem less weak. If you watch legal or medical dramas on TV, I think they use some of this voice tone. I try to employ it in the office. It seems to convey: "I am dependable and I know what I'm doing, I just need help with this one small point."

This voice tone helps in the office. You don't necessarily need it in other contexts. It takes some time to learn.

I am pretty bad at picking out and then mastering tone of voice, but I will definitely try to listen to more whenever I watch legal dramas. Thank you, Dryope!

Your employer should want each employee to understand their task at hand,be direct and ask for specific information concerning it.The stupidest questions are the ones that don't get asked

If the house of your creator cannot make adjustments for one of the creator's own works,maybe it is time for a change of venues.You need to clearly state your own case to them and hopefully they will respond in a favorable manner.

If possible,record the class and review the material at your own pace,where you can further research the parts you feel you don't fully understand. Each person has a unique learning style,this method may be helpful for you.

I really like the idea of recording lectures, provided my professor gives the "okay" for me to do so. I often miss key points in lectures because I'm still processing/thinking about things that were previously said, so being able to go back and listen to the lecture and pausing it where I need to sounds really helpful! Thank you!

One example would be this: I am at work and my supervisor tells me to call someone on the phone to obtain more information (she is oddly opposed to email...says it is too impersonal). I often do not know what to ask for the information, appropriately navigate the phone call, etc. However, I also do not know how to ask my supervisor for help in this area. Self-diagnosed and haven't told anyone at work about my struggles...

Have a notepad and pen handy at work always. When given more then basic instructions write it down or if you miss it ask your boss to repeat it so you can write it down. In this case if the boss does not mention what info they want, ask what information they want you to get. If asked why you are writing it down say that it is to be sure not to forget anything and get all the needed info. Generally workers taking notes is seen as a responsible behavior.

Another example would be if I am at a church event or similar social setting with lots of people. It can be very overwhelming for me and it's hard to cope. The way my church works is that you walk in and they seat from front to back of the auditorium, so when you get there depends on where you sit. They don't sit people in the back unless you get there late. I love my church and they way they do things, but the y use a lot of bright lights on stage and have very loud music. I would prefer to sit in the back but do not know who to ask to sit in the back or if that would be acceptable to sit in the very back when they want people to fill in the rows of seats from front to back.

There are two approaches. First, the next time an usher takes you to your seat, tell them you need to sit in the back because you have a problem with the loud noise and lights. They should seat you in the back without further question. If for some reason they insist you sit in front, go sit in front and once the service has started get up and seat yourself in back. Or get up go to the rest room and when returning sit in the back. This is a medical issue and if any usher is not understanding, first talk to the Head usher about it and if that doesn't solve the problem speak with the Deacon, or Pastor.

A third example would be in school. I have auditory processing issues (just found out about this this past week from a professional), though no official diagnosis has been given yet since I've only been to one session so far with the psychologist. I had a lot of problems in my undergrad with professors during lectures. I would often have difficulty following what they were saying, staying focused because of

Do some experimentation with sitting in different places in the room or auditorium (ie. front, back, left, right, middle). The acoustics can be quite different in different locations and some will be likely easier for you to hear then others. It might change depending on the lecturer though. Some are loud and some quieter, etc.

As far as having difficultly processing the lecture, can you expand on that a little?

Tom, thank you for all of the helpful tips! I actually do keep a pen and notepad at my desk at all times, which has been helping a little. Unfortunately, I don't think to use it a majority of the time, so...that's just a habit that I'm going to have to train myself to do.

Your tips for church are quite helpful! I guess I've just been too timid to ask. I'll try to be more confident next time though and just tell them that I need to sit farther back.

As far as difficulty processing lectures...I struggle with auditory processing, only retaining about 30-60% of material covered, depending on the lecturer, visual aids used, and the professor's willingness to be asked questions. I have found though that sitting in the back right of the room helps me out because I can see where everyone is and where distracting noises may be coming from.

 

[Tom]

As far as difficulty processing lectures...I struggle with auditory processing, only retaining about 30-60% of material covered, depending on the lecturer, visual aids used, and the professor's willingness to be asked questions. I have found though that sitting in the back right of the room helps me out because I can see where everyone is and where distracting noises may be coming from.

I can definately sympathsize with the challenge. I didn't do standard college and instead got courses done with the military and night school where the classes are very small in small spaces and asking questions was easy. In fact asking questions was crucial for me because I found I needed to follow it closely thru out. If I did not understand a point and couldn't get it explained it was like losing the thread and all that came after in that section would not make sense. Sometimes I found I had to ask a lot of questions and it could sometimes annoy the teacher, but that was better then failing the tests.

During classes I usually hyperfocused on the material and maybe that helped block out the distractions. But it is hard for extended periods and at the end of the school day I was done. I hated homework and any intrusion into my recharge time at night. But I never had to contend with large lecture halls. One thought I had was sitting right in front, so that the sounds and distractions are behind you and the lecturer closer to follow (and ask questions).

 

[cherryq]

I can definately sympathsize with the challenge. I didn't do standard college and instead got courses done with the military and night school where the classes are very small in small spaces and asking questions was easy. In fact asking questions was crucial for me because I found I needed to follow it closely thru out. If I did not understand a point and couldn't get it explained it was like losing the thread and all that came after in that section would not make sense. Sometimes I found I had to ask a lot of questions and it could sometimes annoy the teacher, but that was better then failing the tests.

During classes I usually hyperfocused on the material and maybe that helped block out the distractions. But it is hard for extended periods and at the end of the school day I was done. I hated homework and any intrusion into my recharge time at night. But I never had to contend with large lecture halls. One thought I had was sitting right in front, so that the sounds and distractions are behind you and the lecturer closer to follow (and ask questions).

I completely understand about "losing the thread" and the rest of the section stops making sense. This happens so often for me! Many times, I will think of a question to ask the professor, but the time I think of how to word it/verbalize it, the opportunity for that particular question has passed. I end up with a lot of unanswered questions that way...

Also, I tend to sit in the back right of the classroom. I have tried sitting in the front but often am self-conscious (I'm not a fan of sitting in front of a bunch of people). If I do sit close to the front, I am always on the sides. If I can overcome being self-conscious about sitting front and center, I might have a slightly easier time with lectures... Thank you for your input!