How do I change my thinking?

[mw2530]

So there has been one big positive change in my life recently. I got a new job and I am very hopeful that it will be a good fit for me. And will be somewhere that I will feel appreciated and valued w/out being taken advantage of or worked to the bone. With that being said it still is a job and there will be problems that come up I'm sure.

My struggle right now though is with my thoughts. My brain has been trained to think so negatively that I still don't feel very well. I continue to have anxiety, depression, low self esteem, and chronic insomnia. I have this outlook that since something good has happened to me for a change, that something bad will happen to me to bring me back to my equilibrium. Lol. I think I know that this thought is ridiculous, and probably paranoia. Maybe I just don't know how to handle success. Maybe I am scared to be happy because I'm afraid of losing that happiness. Maybe I'm just comfortable being uncomfortable so I have trouble just relaxing and appreciated myself. Or maybe some of all of these. How can I change these thoughts and feelings? They feel so ingrained in me that they will be hard to change. Ultimately, these thoughts and feelings are changeable. They do not have to be part of having aspergers.

 

[Pats]

There's a geriatric depression scale that one of the questions is along those lines - are you afraid something bad is going to happen to you. But all those things you mentioned make sense.

 

[Theta.G]

This is a question in which you'll be looking for an answer (that works for you) for quite some time.
All anyone here can do is point you in the direction then you try things out to see what works with you're neurology and paradigms.

Look into self hypnosis / hypnosis
reprogramming the subconscious mind
ego

1 of these is all-encompassing. Containing hundreds of methods.


Most, if not all approaches will require a significant amount of time and dedication. (Doing x thing once or twice daily for 1 - 3 months)

While hypnosis can be very fast and effective... since you believe this: "they feel so ingrained in me that they will be hard to change" it won't be fast or very effective short term.

Fully study each approach you find so you know the risks / benefits.

 

[TempeFan]

How can I change these thoughts and feelings? They feel so ingrained in me that they will be hard to change. Ultimately, these thoughts and feelings are changeable. They do not have to be part of having aspergers.

I agree. Your thoughts and expectations are yours and therefore changeable, subject to your will. Feelings and perceptions, not so much, as they are the result of you + the impact of the world around you. Haters are gonna hate whoever is different from them, so the world will never be nice or fair to people with aspergers or any other neurodiversity, or racial diversity, or cultural diversity or religious diversity, etc.

Just as possession is 9 tenths of the law. Perception is 9 tenths of thinking. It is so difficult to alter one's perception, especially when one has aspergers. We see things as they are. Lying does not come easy, so fantasizing about people behaving better in the future than they have in the past, just does not seem possible, as it doesn't make any sense. I'm a great student. Every task I tried to do all by myself, every challenge I took on that didn't involve the cooperation of another person, I succeeded at. There has only ever been one thing I couldn't learn and that was how to prevent people from attacking me and stealing or destroying everything I earned and created. Nobody can change the ratio of mean people to nice people in this world, but you don't have to believe them when they contradict who you are.

Somewhere in all my research, I read that it takes 5 positive messages to counteract each negative one and 21 days to form a habit. You have to tell yourself the good stuff and do your best to associate with others who will do the same, as well as protect yourself from the haters whenever possible. Adjust your expectations. My husband has always expected people to be evil and unfair and is never surprised or disappointed when they meet his expectations. It took me a while under his tutelage to be able to do that.

Back when I was young, I honestly believed once I was no longer being isolated by my keepers in their dungeon, that I could eventually find a place where I belonged. I had always expected, when I turned 18 or 21, I would no longer be just some under aged chattel without a voice. While I was under that incredible but lovely delusion, I used to be the most happy optimistic person on the planet. I truly thought my being a good person would eventually influence the rest of the world to stop regarding me as just a punching bag, start viewing me as a human being, and for the first time judge me on my own merits. This NEVER happened. Every time I did great work, I was punished severely for someone else's careless mistake or deliberate bad actions which had nothing to do with me. I am incapable of figuring out other's intentions. Since I lack the ability to predict when someone will turn on me, I am always blind sided because the Aspergers blocks me from ever seeing the bad guys coming. Still I opted to believe that someday I would finally get my turn and that I would be allowed to start living my own life and making my own choices, but each time the time came, again and again, all my choices were all vetoed. Yet I know who I am and so do the people in my life who matter. I sleep much better now.

 

[OlLiE]

understand what triggers you
try to find things you can do to mitigate the impact of the triggers or entirely avoid them
just learn to have the presence of mind to detect when these triggers are happening
learn to inject an artificial pause when you have detected a trigger
prepare coping strategies, and apply them when you have detected a trigger and have hit the 'pause' button

be aware > detect > pause > execute pre-prepared action > evaluate and improve

 

[Progster]

Perhaps when you adjust to your new situation, these feelings will fade.

 

[the_tortoise]

So there has been one big positive change in my life recently. I got a new job and I am very hopeful that it will be a good fit for me. And will be somewhere that I will feel appreciated and valued w/out being taken advantage of or worked to the bone. With that being said it still is a job and there will be problems that come up I'm sure.

My struggle right now though is with my thoughts. My brain has been trained to think so negatively that I still don't feel very well. I continue to have anxiety, depression, low self esteem, and chronic insomnia. I have this outlook that since something good has happened to me for a change, that something bad will happen to me to bring me back to my equilibrium. Lol. I think I know that this thought is ridiculous, and probably paranoia. Maybe I just don't know how to handle success. Maybe I am scared to be happy because I'm afraid of losing that happiness. Maybe I'm just comfortable being uncomfortable so I have trouble just relaxing and appreciated myself. Or maybe some of all of these. How can I change these thoughts and feelings? They feel so ingrained in me that they will be hard to change. Ultimately, these thoughts and feelings are changeable. They do not have to be part of having aspergers.

It is hard to believe that success and happiness is possible until it happens; Doesn't make you paranoid....more like traumatized. It makes sense to have the fears you have if your life has been full of hardship and adversity.

All I can suggest is to try your best to focus on the positive possibilities, and try to distract yourself from thoughts about negative outcomes. Also try to remember that even if things go well and then go downhill again, the fact that good things happened once means good things could happen again; Maybe try to recognize the negative situations as at least as likely to be temporary as the positive ones?

 

[Pats]

I totally agree with @the_tortoise . You're waiting for something bad to happen because that's what you're used to. You've been conditioned to believe that and it's going to take some conditioning and positive reinforcement to undo it. There are always negative things that will come up, so every day that goes well try to make a mental note of it and focus on the positive. Maybe even reward yourself once in a while for doing such an awesome job.

 

[Skids]

I agree. Your thoughts and expectations are yours and therefore changeable, subject to your will. Feelings and perceptions, not so much, as they are the result of you + the impact of the world around you. Haters are gonna hate whoever is different from them, so the world will never be nice or fair to people with aspergers or any other neurodiversity, or racial diversity, or cultural diversity or religious diversity, etc.

Just as possession is 9 tenths of the law. Perception is 9 tenths of thinking. It is so difficult to alter one's perception, especially when one has aspergers. We see things as they are. Lying does not come easy, so fantasizing about people behaving better in the future than they have in the past, just does not seem possible, as it doesn't make any sense. I'm a great student. Every task I tried to do all by myself, every challenge I took on that didn't involve the cooperation of another person, I succeeded at. There has only ever been one thing I couldn't learn and that was how to prevent people from attacking me and stealing or destroying everything I earned and created. Nobody can change the ratio of mean people to nice people in this world, but you don't have to believe them when they contradict who you are.

Somewhere in all my research, I read that it takes 5 positive messages to counteract each negative one and 21 days to form a habit. You have to tell yourself the good stuff and do your best to associate with others who will do the same, as well as protect yourself from the haters whenever possible. Adjust your expectations. My husband has always expected people to be evil and unfair and is never surprised or disappointed when they meet his expectations. It took me a while under his tutelage to be able to do that.

Back when I was young, I honestly believed once I was no longer being isolated by my keepers in their dungeon, that I could eventually find a place where I belonged. I had always expected, when I turned 18 or 21, I would no longer be just some under aged chattel without a voice. While I was under that incredible but lovely delusion, I used to be the most happy optimistic person on the planet. I truly thought my being a good person would eventually influence the rest of the world to stop regarding me as just a punching bag, start viewing me as a human being, and for the first time judge me on my own merits. This NEVER happened. Every time I did great work, I was punished severely for someone else's careless mistake or deliberate bad actions which had nothing to do with me. I am incapable of figuring out other's intentions. Since I lack the ability to predict when someone will turn on me, I am always blind sided because the Aspergers blocks me from ever seeing the bad guys coming. Still I opted to believe that someday I would finally get my turn and that I would be allowed to start living my own life and making my own choices, but each time the time came, again and again, all my choices were all vetoed. Yet I know who I am and so do the people in my life who matter. I sleep much better now.

Absolutely beautiful post and one which resonates with me and my experiences of life with Aspergers.

 

[Tanyax]

‘I still don’t feel very well ‘ really resonated with me. It sounds silly but that’s how I always describe it when I’m I’m not well. I’ve never heard anyone else say it. Not in that context anyway. Look, it’s great you have a new job and it sounds great. Please try and enjoy it. Obviously there will be challenges but you are very lucky to have have this opportunity. Please try and make the most of it and deal with the obstacles as and when they come along. I haven’t been able to work for a good few years starting out with babies then depression and stress and anxiety and now I’m just frozen in time. I used to have some amazing jobs and opportunities and it’s gone now so please just try and enjoy it and make the most of it because it could all be gone like me before you know it. Just keep going. As long as it’s not unhealthy for you anyway. If it helps, I’m envious. I wish I have what you have. Good luck to you and please enjoy your good fortune xx

 

[mw2530]

Thanks for all of the replies! They all provided some sort of insight for me. At this time I don't have the energy to reply to any specific posts people made.