How do I cope with the meltdowns

[Confused94]

Hi all, I've been with my partner for just over 2 years now. He has ADHD and Aspergers, yesterday he had a melt down and while I'm no stranger to his melt downs I find that they are getting progressively worse. Yesterday was really bad he blow up over nothing and as a result he ended up cutting up my brothers bag and one of his hoodies and then he tried to slit his wrist in front of me, as I tried to stop him he reacted and as a result I now have a nasty deep cut on my finger. Of course he feels terrible about what has happened and broke down crying after he had calmed down. I'm not so hurt that it happened I'm more hurt as my own psychi has rapidly deteriorated over the last few months and all I want to do is cry! I feel so helpless and confused, I feel like I can't cope!

 

[ksheehan88]

For me, when I have a meltdown, I need to be left alone to ride it out. When my partner tries to intervene and help it makes it worse, so he has learnt to just move away into another room and leave me to it.

If he is harming himself of course he needs to be stopped but you should not be putting yourself in harms way to achieve that. I can't think of what you can do in regards to stopping him hurting himself, but certainly at any other point during a meltdown I would suggest just leaving him alone until he has come out the other side.

 

[Streetwise]

DONT stop him leave him go a long distance
HES very stressed mine really happened when i was standing in the break room of a hospice my mam was a few doors down dying as i now know
and she had a disease i knew nothing about
20 years ago a handful of the population of the earth knew about m.n.d(Lou gehrigs disease )
so i was witless she had a form of m.n.d that few people get so it was terrifying
back to the hospice standing in the breakroom
my head felt like it would explode but WOULDNT release the explosion and it was shaking slightly i controlled it as i was in a hospice
its the same for epilepsy you do not question the sufferer or make panicky gestures it makes their stress worse they have to rest i personally think its the same area of the brain thats being overstimulated

 

[Danny 74]

Helloooo confused94....! You just got to ride them out anyway you can...! Meltdowns are awful, but they will eventually pass...!

 

[Confused94]

For me, when I have a meltdown, I need to be left alone to ride it out. When my partner tries to intervene and help it makes it worse, so he has learnt to just move away into another room and leave me to it.

If he is harming himself of course he needs to be stopped but you should not be putting yourself in harms way to achieve that. I can't think of what you can do in regards to stopping him hurting himself, but certainly at any other point during a meltdown I would suggest just leaving him alone until he has come out the other side.

It's hard as he winds himeself up more and more, even if I leave the room or the house for that matter he follows me or bombards me with texts and phone calls. When I do come back he hasn't calmed down, he describes it as if he has 'roid rage' and can't stop himself from doing it like I'm not actually dealing with him in those moments. He is getting specialist professional help but I don't feel like it's helping him at all.

 

[ksheehan88]

It's hard as he winds himeself up more and more, even if I leave the room or the house for that matter he follows me or bombards me with texts and phone calls. When I do come back he hasn't calmed down, he describes it as if he has 'roid rage' and can't stop himself from doing it like I'm not actually dealing with him in those moments. He is getting specialist professional help but I don't feel like it's helping him at all.

Yeah that makes it that much harder if he's following you around and texting and calling. Maybe try leaving the house and telling him you will come back once he is calm then ignore calls and texts until he is calmer?

 

[Streetwise]

nature is very gentle when its healing- so people who want :quick !now! yesterday !its frustrating and orthodox synthetic medicines are flawed they work on one small area leaving the rest to suffer but the mind is not floating around as a separate entity it is part of a complex structure which has to bear the stress but receives no aid

 

[kay]

It sounds like he has a lot of anxiety and fear with his meltdowns. I could be wrong but it would explain why he follows you and calls you in the middle of one. When I have even a tiny meltdown I tend to get scared and I actually don't want left alone completely. I also don't want a bunch of people around. Just one person and I need that person to realize what is going on and just give me a cup of tea and tell me everything will be ok and that person needs to know I'll still cry and cry anyways. But that's just me. My meltdowns get worse if I'm left entirely alone. Also I used to kick the wall or tear up paper. I could get destructive when I was younger. Don't know why but feeling too overwhelmed makes me feel trapped and I think I would do those things because I was trying to escape somehow. I still bite my fingers.

 

[Tyrantus1212]

I had a meltdown today. My father simply gave me a safety tip on how to hold a fork properly and I reacted all nervous and jittery, trying to make some excuse as to why I was holding the fork in an unsafe manner. He then told me that this is a "classic me" response and said I was exhibiting my pre-psychologist behavior again, as if I've never even gone to the psychologist in the first place. For some reason beyond anyone's comprehension, even mine, these words just completely offended me and I just started behaving like a madman. I sprinted with an angry stomp, I started hitting objects, screaming, panting - had to take some herbs to calm the soul. I was being delusional again, kept thinking that everyone is picking on me and losing hope in me. He wasn't picking on me, he was just telling me the truth; I was in fact exhibiting my infamous behavior again, and even more of it with the meltdown. I have also been told that I was acting like a toddler. All I had to do was thank him for the safety tip in a normal voice - no excuses, no nothing. I'm really not proud of it and I just don't know...just don't know why I do this all the time. Is it an Asperger's thing or am I also mentally ill??

I had to apologize to the whole family for the meltdown, it happened in front of my mother. I know, I'm always sorry. I really am genuinely sorry...only to repeat the same ******** over and over again. My mother is really scared about me sometimes when she observes these meltdowns and frankly - so am I. I'm sitting here now all drowning in regret. The best thing I can do in the short run when I exhibit these is just take a herb called Valerian, it calms the nerves. Retrospectively I'm also really confused. WHY???? At least I stopped myself from constantly talking about it and the urge to put myself down for hours. That's also a "classic me" type of behavior, on top of all the cycling over topics that I always exhibit; if I don't keep cycling over it, everyone will feel much better in the long run than if I DID also cycle over it. Instead of cycling, I just have to go to my room and be alone for like a half-hour to an hour. I'll let my doc know what happened and he's gonna be pretty disappointed in me. I'm tired of disappointing people all the time.

 

[ksheehan88]

I had a meltdown today. My father simply gave me a safety tip on how to hold a fork properly and I reacted all nervous and jittery, trying to make some excuse as to why I was holding the fork in an unsafe manner. He then told me that this is a "classic me" response and said I was exhibiting my pre-psychologist behavior again, as if I've never even gone to the psychologist in the first place. For some reason beyond anyone's comprehension, even mine, these words just completely offended me and I just started behaving like a madman. I sprinted with an angry stomp, I started hitting objects, screaming, panting - had to take some herbs to calm the soul. I was being delusional again, kept thinking that everyone is picking on me and losing hope in me. He wasn't picking on me, he was just telling me the truth; I was in fact exhibiting my infamous behavior again, and even more of it with the meltdown. I have also been told that I was acting like a toddler. All I had to do was thank him for the safety tip in a normal voice - no excuses, no nothing. I'm really not proud of it and I just don't know...just don't know why I do this all the time. Is it an Asperger's thing or am I also mentally ill??

I had to apologize to the whole family for the meltdown, it happened in front of my mother. I know, I'm always sorry. I really am genuinely sorry...only to repeat the same ******** over and over again. My mother is really scared about me sometimes when she observes these meltdowns and frankly - so am I. I'm sitting here now all drowning in regret. The best thing I can do in the short run when I exhibit these is just take a herb called Valerian, it calms the nerves. Retrospectively I'm also really confused. WHY???? At least I stopped myself from constantly talking about it and the urge to put myself down for hours. That's also a "classic me" type of behavior, on top of all the cycling over topics that I always exhibit; if I don't keep cycling over it, everyone will feel much better in the long run than if I DID also cycle over it. Instead of cycling, I just have to go to my room and be alone for like a half-hour to an hour. I'll let my doc know what happened and he's gonna be pretty disappointed in me. I'm tired of disappointing people all the time.

Your doctor shouldn't be disappointed in you, no one should. Meltdowns aren't controllable, and even if you can go months without one, years even, they will surface from time to time and those around you, ESPECIALLY your doctor, should understand that.

 

[Streetwise]

I had a meltdown today. My father simply gave me a safety tip on how to hold a fork properly and I reacted all nervous and jittery, trying to make some excuse as to why I was holding the fork in an unsafe manner. He then told me that this is a "classic me" response and said I was exhibiting my pre-psychologist behavior again, as if I've never even gone to the psychologist in the first place. For some reason beyond anyone's comprehension, even mine, these words just completely offended me and I just started behaving like a madman. I sprinted with an angry stomp, I started hitting objects, screaming, panting - had to take some herbs to calm the soul. I was being delusional again, kept thinking that everyone is picking on me and losing hope in me. He wasn't picking on me, he was just telling me the truth; I was in fact exhibiting my infamous behavior again, and even more of it with the meltdown. I have also been told that I was acting like a toddler. All I had to do was thank him for the safety tip in a normal voice - no excuses, no nothing. I'm really not proud of it and I just don't know...just don't know why I do this all the time. Is it an Asperger's thing or am I also mentally ill??

I had to apologize to the whole family for the meltdown, it happened in front of my mother. I know, I'm always sorry. I really am genuinely sorry...only to repeat the same ******** over and over again. My mother is really scared about me sometimes when she observes these meltdowns and frankly - so am I. I'm sitting here now all drowning in regret. The best thing I can do in the short run when I exhibit these is just take a herb called Valerian, it calms the nerves. Retrospectively I'm also really confused. WHY???? At least I stopped myself from constantly talking about it and the urge to put myself down for hours. That's also a "classic me" type of behavior, on top of all the cycling over topics that I always exhibit; if I don't keep cycling over it, everyone will feel much better in the long run than if I DID also cycle over it. Instead of cycling, I just have to go to my room and be alone for like a half-hour to an hour. I'll let my doc know what happened and he's gonna be pretty disappointed in me. I'm tired of disappointing people all the time.

before your blood pressure rises move fron wherever you are and go and sit somewhere start focusing on something quiet like an image that is peaceful

 

[Bella Pines]

The classic meltdown assistance is mentioned above, give him space, learn to see the meltdowns coming and suggest he goes somewhere quietly for a coffee or something to clear his brain.

However, if it has gotten worst to the point where he took a knife to his wrists and cut you in the process, then this is beyond anything an internet forum is qualified to deal with. I would suggest a professional opinion would be the way to go, however also caution that you suggesting this could further aggravate the situation.

Sorry I can't be more helpful, I know you are in a difficult position and commend you for trying.

 

[Confused94]

So this is a long overdue update! We are still together! But I gotta ask, is it normal to feel criticised for every little thing that I do or don’t do? It’s like he doesn’t even see that I’m trying or just doesn’t care? The way he talks to me is horrible and if I was anything but strong willed I’d of probably topped myself by now. It’s like he doesn’t notice the way he speaks to me or the names he calls me when he’s having a bad day (most days). I feel defeated and deflated and can’t breath the right way without it sending him off on one! I really truly understand he has serious mental health and depression issues, and I get that I’m his safe place to unload on, but surely I shouldn’t feel this depressed with someone I love and who loves me? It’s not in me to just walk away after all this time I feel like we’ve both given so much, but haven’t gotten very far in terms of really dealing with any issues. We talk about positive steps forward and how to do it, but then nothing ever changes (or if it does, it goes straight back to how it was not to long after). I feel like I can’t quite reach the surface and I’m always one gasp away from actually drowning. Im trying to get myself into a new career and I’ll blu get his brutally honest criticisms or how it could go horribly wrong, which in turn makes me doubt my own abilities and makes me want to give up on my own dreams. I have tried so hard to be who he needs me to be and I just don’t feel like I can do it much longer, before I have a mental breakdown! The worst part is, he doesn’t even see it . Not sure what the point in this post was, I guess I just needed to off load on complete strangers who can’t judge me

 

[Aspychata]

It sounds like your limping thru right now in this relationship. You obviously care a lot for him. Could you manage couple counselling? Could you get out for some alone time yourself to help you feel better like exercise or library etc...

Can you sit him down and ask what to do when he is going into meltdown? Like can he go into office or bedroom and decompress? (for set time) Can you tell him that damage to personal items or violence is unacceptable and there is no second chance?

l dealt with a very abusive father growing up and as a result, l trained myself not to react to anger, and it has stayed with me as a coping mechanism. I go into my extremely calm mode.

 

[Kalinychta]

So this is a long overdue update! We are still together! But I gotta ask, is it normal to feel criticised for every little thing that I do or don’t do? It’s like he doesn’t even see that I’m trying or just doesn’t care? The way he talks to me is horrible and if I was anything but strong willed I’d of probably topped myself by now. It’s like he doesn’t notice the way he speaks to me or the names he calls me when he’s having a bad day (most days). I feel defeated and deflated and can’t breath the right way without it sending him off on one! I really truly understand he has serious mental health and depression issues, and I get that I’m his safe place to unload on, but surely I shouldn’t feel this depressed with someone I love and who loves me? It’s not in me to just walk away after all this time I feel like we’ve both given so much, but haven’t gotten very far in terms of really dealing with any issues. We talk about positive steps forward and how to do it, but then nothing ever changes (or if it does, it goes straight back to how it was not to long after). I feel like I can’t quite reach the surface and I’m always one gasp away from actually drowning. Im trying to get myself into a new career and I’ll blu get his brutally honest criticisms or how it could go horribly wrong, which in turn makes me doubt my own abilities and makes me want to give up on my own dreams. I have tried so hard to be who he needs me to be and I just don’t feel like I can do it much longer, before I have a mental breakdown! The worst part is, he doesn’t even see it . Not sure what the point in this post was, I guess I just needed to off load on complete strangers who can’t judge me

He’s abusive. Don’t ever tolerate abuse from anyone, ever. Period. Autism and mental health problems aren’t free passes to verbally abuse and put down whomever you’d like. His abuse and disinterest in ceasing his behavior have caused you to become depressed and have lowered your self-esteem. Leave him. Get out of there. Now. Don’t waste a second more on him. You deserve to be happy and healthy and respected by the people in your life. Take your life and your dignity back. Autism is no excuse for being abusive.