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How do I decide to marry her?

B

Bart

New Member
I’m 26. I’ve never been diagnosed and I’m not sure if I’m on the spectrum or not. I do have some traits that may be relevant in this situation.

How do I decide whether to marry my girlfriend or not? We’ve been living together for 2 years, and things mostly go well and I love her, but I don’t know how to answer this simple question.

Friends seem to “just know” but I never just know. I don’t know whether that is because she is not the one, or because I’m just not the kind of person who “just knows“ stuff like that.

(I also never knew whether I wanted to marry or have kids in the first place, until I heard rational arguments that convinced me.)
 
You don’t need to know, in my not-so-humble opinion. If you’re happy with the way things are, let them be like they are.
Marriage is not a necessity. You can choose to do so for romantic, legal or financial reasons, but if you’re happily living together, why not just keep going? Maybe you’ll wake up some day and decide you want to marry her. Maybe you won’t. Just do what makes the both of you happy.

I’ve been with my boyfriend for five years. I might marry him some day, but today is not that day, so I don’t see the point in worrying about it.
 
I wouldn't think you don't know because she's not the one. If you lived all your life without marrying - wouldn't that make her 'the one' as well? It's about being happy together, not about the status.

I agree that marriage is not a necessity. I am in a very similar situation, and sometimes I tease my boyfriend about getting married, but for real I don't think that if we didn't get married, it's because he's not the one. I would even say, because I feel that he's the one, I don't really care if we are married or not or when we get married.

Another question is the 'peer pressure'. Don't allow it to make you think that you're less knowledgeable in stuff like that. We are all different and all have our own time for such decisions. I know people who for sure 'felt it/knew it' and I also know people who never 'felt it' and got married because they lived together for very long and that was a mutual decision. Needless to say there are people who never get married and live together happily.

I think that the fact that you posed this question here already shows that you're on the right track - you care about this question, you put thought in it, and I'm pretty sure you will know the right answer when the right time comes.
 
Bart said:
Friends seem to “just know”
Click to expand...

Neurotypicals tend to make decisions using their emotions as a foundation. They will mistake familiarity, sexual arousal or infatuation for love and accept their feelings at face value without questioning the suitability or sustainability of the situation. Because they then either don't see or don't analyse the situation, they say that they "just know" and accept this as a plausible rationale for an otherwise irrational decision.

When I evaluated my potential long term associations I measured my suitors by set criteria. Such as, are we able to compromise, can we work as a team, will he make a good father, is he in stable employment, do I like spending time with him or talking to him, will he bore me, can I imagine retiring with him, do I want to?

Additionally apply the evaluation criteria for your partner if they are incapable of such reasoning. For example, will they be happy spending time with me, do they want the same things, kids, no kids, settling in the same country, can we logistically work together?

If you see a way forward and can plot a feasible path through a family (or not) to retirement, then there's the answer :)
 
You don't know how to answer the "simple question"
because you are mistaking it for a "simple question."

It's not.

Possibly some people "just know" because they
haven't actually thought about it, so they do what
they have seen others do.

Some people appear to "just know" because they
have evaluated the pros and cons for themselves,
whether they esteem a legal contract as a part
of their relationship.
 
If you don't know, I am unsure how anyone else will. Have you considered marriage counseling? I'd assume they do it for people considering marriage. Maybe it would help to have the pros and cons laid out.
 
I think the decision whether to marry is comprised of two parts:

1-you realize you've reached a place where you know the other person well enough to fully trust that your happiness and needs can be sufficiently met by the other person and the relationship as they all currently are, and so can theirs. Also, you have a reasonable basis to believe things will not only sustain but naturally improve/deepen over time, not as a requirement, but as a natural byproduct of shared experience and trust.

2- Once that realization occurs, you rely on it to simply decide that you choose (and will always keep choosing) that person and that relationship and choosing to do whatever is necessary to prioritize the health of that for the rest of your life, no matter what (barring freak, unforeseen, unknowable circumstances), because you trust it will always be worth it.

I think a lot of people get married because they think they're supposed to, and they hope the act of it will suddenly bring steps 1 and 2 into being. This is a mistake. However, if you realize steps 1 and 2 actually do exist, I think you probably should get married (since you're already considering it), because certainty is essential to the ongoing balance of trust between the parties.

It's like saving a level in a video game. Let's say you and your partner's decision making process got to the same place--you both have completed levels 1 and 2 above. If you don't save the level (aka get married) one or both of you could end up repeating a previous level because lack of certainty in the situation can make doubts creep in about whether the other person is really in the same place with you about the relationship, causing needless stress.

I say one or both of you could end up repeating a previous level, but more likely it will be your NT partner who feels the lack of certainty the most. This is because it is truly a leap of faith for an emotionally driven NT person to simply believe their aspie partner still feels the same about them in the face of behaviors the NT's entire life experience has taught them signals the exact opposite. Make no mistake, this is hard for your NT partner to do and requires a lot of consistent self mastery to view things through the proper aspie lens and keep the doubts at bay. And since it can be difficult for aspies to express their feelings and emotions about the relationship in a consistent enough way to naturally produce a feeling of ongoing trust and security in their NT partner, if you feel you've reached levels 1 and 2, save the progress by marrying and level up!

I would never say marriage is a required essential for everyone or that no AS/NT couple could make it without taking that plunge, but I will say this--it provides a baseline level of certainty that mitigates the natural human tendency to worry the other person's feelings have changed/digressed. If you're truly in the right relationship with the right person, marriage will be freeing and help propel the relationship onward in a positive, fulfilling way.
 
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Here's a simple answer for ya. Do you plan on having children yet? If not, then don't worry about it. Marriage is a serious commitment and should not be entered into lightly.
 
Don't get married unless there's a very clear benefit to you. As a man "equal before the law" does not count, and the chances of getting your life "reset" (IE: Lose everything, maybe end up with a heap of debt) is pretty big.

Marriage is an option in case it's the only option to get citizenship you need or if you need a legal reason so she's unable to testify against you :P

What rational arguments did they use to convince you, by the way?
 
Many thanks to everyone who contributed. This was super helpful. You made many good points and helped me reflect on the situation.

I've now realized one reason why I was worrying about this question already is because I feel I am personally more and more ready to settle down, start having children etc but it is also clear that my girlfriend is simply not ready. So, for now I should do as some of you suggested, and not worry a lot about the question yet.

All of your words will remain at the back of my mind and will help me form the answer when the right time comes.
 
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