How do I get my sister to listen?

[Ovrthkr817]

I haven't officially been diagnosed. I'm debating whether or not I should, because I feel like I don't really need someone else to tell me something I already know. But whenever I talk about it with my sister, who's my best friend, all she tells me is.... "You know your faults, work on improving them". What she fails to understand is that to me, they're not faults. This is how I am. But when I tell her that, she says I'm using that as an excuse not to do anything. I don't, maybe she's right. But I don't like the way I am. I think the best advice she ever gave me was "Either accept the way you are or keep complaining about it". I want to change to change, but I don't know how. I want to know how to deal with this. I looked back on an old diary entry I wrote 2 years ago and I'm still dealing with the same issues and it's annoying. I feel like I've never been happy with the way I am. I used to tell myself that I'm different, unique. This was before I know I possibly has Aspergers. Now, I don't know. I've just been down for so long and the one person who I feel I should be able to talk about this to. I just feel like she's not supportive.

She's not the only one, but I don't want to get into him right now. Well, he's knows I'm not like the average person. I haven't told him why, but he's always making fun of the way I talk, my inability to read between he lines, and other little characteristics. I just want to tell him, but I doubt he'll be supportive. I've told him I'm dyslexic (self diagnosed) and for months he just makes fun.

These are the only two people who I'm close enough to. Otherwise, I've got no one. I've convinced myself for years I'm going to go through my entire life single and friendless, and the more life progresses the more I believe it's true. I'm very lonely and I hate it.

 

[Soup]

Getting others to listen isn't a viable goal. Much about that has to do with their own openness to new & confusing concepts & their willingness to think differently. They aren't there yet. Also, to be fair, Asperger's & other developmental differences are not even truly well understood by experts who work with & study people on the spectrum. They're just ordinary folks so it may be a tall order for them to wrap their minds around.

As for not liking yourself, 'curing' Asperger's (should a magic pill become available) or learning to adopt good NT 'drag' & fool people will not change this. There are many people who are total NTs who struggle with issues around various types of personal angst. If you're indeed an Aspie (& you sure sound like one) it won't disappear no matter how much you try. What you can do is to work on areas in which you are particularly challenged & that are adversely affecting your life.

So many Aspies here report feeling lonely. They long to feel accepted by people for who they are, as they are & they long for deep friendships & romantic relationships but it seems to elude their best efforts. Please know that you are by no means alone & this place (with its very real people) are always here to chat with. Please divest yourself of this absolutist thinking that you are bound to remain lonesome & single until senescence. That is ridiculous: many of us here are married people with families or who have had many relationships & dates. Unless you truly are Quasimodo & you live in the bell tower of an old cathedral, you aren't doomed to such a sad fate.

You've made a good decision in reaching out HERE to your fellow Aspies. As for those who mock & ridicule, we've all been there & experienced that. If you want to know how others tackle this challenge, begin a thread & ask! Many useful strategies will be shared.

 

[Butterfly_Lady]

I really don't know what advice to give you because i am having the same problem with my mom. I have tried giving her a book about Asperger's and she is a nurse so she says it's too much like reading for work. She continually thinks i'm making excuses for the way i am and i can't seem to convince her otherwise because she won't read anything on her own about Asperger's. My mom and aunt diagnosed me like 10 years ago after my cousin got his official diagnosis. In those 10 years she has made no effort what so ever to learn anything about Asperger's. I finally decided if i was ever going to understand myself that at least I needed to know what having AS ment in my life if i couldn't get my mom to learn about it and find a way to be more accepting.

 

[Arashi222]

The best anyone can do is is learn about it for themselves and understand what having AS means for them. Then comes the hard part realizing that not everyone in your life is gonna understand that it is something you cannot get rid of. It is with you forever. Its hard for parents and siblings to understand that sometimes. My mom has often told me now that I have my Dx but before that she wished she could see into my mind and understand how it works. I find that telling them sometimes how important it is to you to have them understand certain things about it can help other times it does nothing. Sometimes the information is better suited to helping you just cope with other people and how you can function.

My family happens to be very supportive, I got lucky. My mom tries very hard to understand that there are things I may never be able to do, while there are friendships I have lost because of my AS and then told them about my AS and it didn't even make a difference I just became weirder so I hope you find hope and support here whatever your needs are.

 

[Ovrthkr817]

Thanks everyone for your input. Getting other people to know really isn't a goal I guess. I mean sure it's quite helpful, but even if they did listen that doesn't help me work on the areas that need working on. Over the years I've adapted this mindset that I'm a hopeless case, but now that I know what it is, and I have this forum to come to that I don't seem to be using to my full advantage, I should realize that I'm not as hopeless as I once thought. Telling others what I have won't change my challenging areas, and having others be more understanding might even make matters worse for me. I might get too comfortable because technically, everyone would be treating me like I'm special.

My mom has always been somewhat of an absent mother. She's a caring person, just not for her own children. Last night, we actually got into somewhat of a disagreement because she didn't like the way think. She said I should be more open and stop being skeptical of everyone. I have major trust issues. After a while of going back and forth, I finally told her I most likely have Aspergers and that I can't help the way I am. She laughed then said she'd kick it out of me. Then I remembered why I don't like sharing things with her. She was never a supportive mother, and instead of "encouraging" me to do things I enjoy do, she always only suggested high paying jobs that are nearly impossible to get. Like a singer or a model. By the way, by encouraging, I only mean every now and then either telling me, "Hey, you should do this or that." Then a few months later, "I still don't know why you won't try out for this." How about listening to me for once and what I want to do and backing me up on that descision?

I'm not sure how that became a rant about my mother, but my point is, I shouldn't expect her to be supportive anytime in the near future. I've just got to work on myself and stop being so scared to come here. I feel like everyone judging me when truth is it's probably the complete opposite. And any questions that I may have, this place should be the first place I come to for advice and I should stop asking my sister. We can't relate on that level so her advice might not be what I want to hear.

Thanks again guys!!

 

[wyverary]

The general rule of "self-improvement," I think, is that you neither can nor should change who you are, but rather learn to make the best of it and cope with those areas that cause problems. That is something with which I am sure we will be able to help you here.

Your sister sounds very well-intentioned. I don't know exactly how you could go about convincing her of your condition, but I think it's possible; maybe show her some 'Net articles on AS? She'll only change her attitude on her own; the best you can do is give her a little guidance on the subject.

 

[Spinning Compass]

I have learned that it is useless to try to get someone to listen if they are not motivated to listen.

 

[paloftoon]

I really don't know what advice to give you because i am having the same problem with my mom. I have tried giving her a book about Asperger's and she is a nurse so she says it's too much like reading for work. She continually thinks i'm making excuses for the way i am and i can't seem to convince her otherwise because she won't read anything on her own about Asperger's. My mom and aunt diagnosed me like 10 years ago after my cousin got his official diagnosis. In those 10 years she has made no effort what so ever to learn anything about Asperger's. I finally decided if i was ever going to understand myself that at least I needed to know what having AS ment in my life if i couldn't get my mom to learn about it and find a way to be more accepting.

Here's an idea. Ask her if there's a list of courses she's required to take to keep up her certifications for nursing. Most likely this is the case. Ask her if you can look through the list she has and outside resources, and then ask if you and her can both attend one if it's autism related. There might be some out there somehow. That way, someone is presenting the information to her and she doesn't have to read! I know how she feels because working full time and then trying to read outside of that is a lot. If she's taking care of a family on top of a job, a job with potentially odd hours that are hard to adjust to and do other things outside of the job, that's a lot for a person.