How do I help him?

[ISFJSupporter]

Hey everyone,

I'm new. I've been seeing an Aspie for about 4 months now. I'm about to vent because... I need to. But essentially The guy I was dating just was diagnosed and is pushing me away and I don't know what I am supposed to do because I want to be with him.

When we first started dating, he was very honest about his inability to emotionally commit. Which posed an issue at first. He's an ENTJ and I'm an ISFJ. Nutshell: turns out he is an Aspie and I am a super emotionally driven person. The first month, there was a lot of yelling (on his part) and a lot of crying/ walking away (on my part). We eventually learned how to communicate with one another. Stuff hit the fan when our birth control failed. I wanted to keep it, he was worried about his genetic legacy (which he wasn't disclosing to me). Ultimately, we came to the mutual decision to not keep the baby.

So here we are four months later. Things were looking great. He was trying. We were going out to breakfast and laughing, he was sharing things with me. He was trying. So hard he was trying. Then we hit a wall. Hs brother was diagnosed and his family was basically told they have a long line of Aspie. I come from a bipolar family. My father was one of two (out of five children and my grandfather) who did not have active bipolar. So when he told me, nothing changed. He is the same person I fell in love in.

But he's pulled away. We went from being so close to making things official boyfriend/girlfriend (which me going 4 months and being willing to keep my I love yous to myself and not having the label is HUGE) to friends. He has his family and his therapist, I have nobody. I can't tell anybody about what he is going through because he is so private, and if I tell my parents (he said I could tell them) they will tell me to run fast and far. Especially since kids are so important to me and I'm a carrier of bipolar. But in this day and age, I don't think our genetics are an issue. We both make enough money that sperm and egg selection would be feasible.

I know this isn't about me. If he needs space, I can give it to him. If he needs me there at 3am, I will be there. He says he is trying to protect me more than he is protecting himself. His therapist told him to tell me that I should see him as a patient in treatment. I'm sorry, who the f** abandons someone in treatment? He says I'm absolved and can date whomever and do things with whomever, but I want him. I love him. He says I'll be his first call when he is better, but I don't get it. What difference does us dating make? The way I am treating him as a friend is exactly how I was treating him when we were dating. I'm still emotionally supportive with no expected reciprocation, we're still physically intimate when he is not stressing out, and nothing has changed. I like labels. I was a soc major. I know how powerful (yet stupid) labels are, and I like them.

DHAIFHASHIDSAHSAH/ifw I just wish I had someone to tell me what to do. For him, for me, for us...

 

[ISFJSupporter]

And I'm terrified. He said the meds he is about to go on tomorrow have a high rate of suicide. I asked him how I would know if anything happens. He said I wouldn't. So if he has a bad reaction to the medication and things go south, I wouldn't even know.

 

[SignOfLazarus]

I say all of he following with all possible compassion:
If he needs space, and you say you can give it to him, give it to him. Don't send him frequent messages reminding him you are there if he needs to talk- he knows if you have told him.
If he is telling you he is trying to protect you- he may also be trying to protect himself. If I am in a bad place and I hurt someone, that hurts me too.

If someone doesn't hear me when I say I need my space, or insists on attempting to support me in a very different way than I ask, it is frustrating. I know they are trying to help, but it is not helping me. Then sometimes people get mad at me for telling them they are not being helpful because they are completely disrespecting my wish to be left alone... so that adds to the problems. So in a time of great personal stress I need to accommodate another person's hurt as well. Which can be difficult.

You have likely been in a similar situation where people were trying to help, but they were helping in a way that wasn't personally beneficial to you. Then it added to whatever you were going through because you had the interpersonal issues that came along with people not appreciating you not appreciating their brand of help.

This, as I understand it, is actually a common situation.

As I read your post, you have been seeing- but not seeing- this person for four months and are thinking about building a future, having kids with them as a plan and not an unplanned occurrence.

The reality is that he needs to try to get his head on straight. He needs to prioritize his health right now. Not a relationship. You need to let him do that, and you need to let him do that however is best for him. I don't know that he is exactly in the same head space in terms of a future, as you are right now.

As for the medication- no medications have a generally "high" rate of suicide. Some psychiatric medications have a relatively higher rate of self harm thoughts and suicidality [thoughts of that nature]. If you are bipolar and have yourself taken SSRIs- some antidepressants- you may know that they actually have some of these similar risks. While they are risks, they are possible side effects to be monitored for, not indicative of high fatality risks.

In the mean time, maybe take time to concentrate on yourself as well. It sounds like you have been through a rough few months. You seem upset, which is understandable. You also seem very frantic about the situation. I'm not sure it is as desperate as it seems and you may be able to see that if you take some time for yourself? You could probably use the time to take a bit of a break from all the confusion.

I hope this gets sorted out. I can see why you are concerned.

 

[ISFJSupporter]

Thank you for your thoughtful reply.

I was pretty frantic. I just got off the phone with him when I posted. I guess it's just hard for me to understand the need to withdraw and solve his own problems because I'm so different. When I have a issue, the last thing I do is isolate myself. I instantly reach out to family, friends, my S/O. So when he said that he and his therapists say he needs to push me away it just seems like the most bizarre thing in the world to me.

I'll try to keep what you said in mind. He's definitely said everything you said. I feel like when I hear it from him it goes in one ear and out the other. Hearing it from someone else helps.

I guess at the end of the day I keep trying to fight this battle for him. And it's not my battle to fight.

Am I crazy to wait for him? We have talked about our future, and we are very much in the same page. I think part of my frustration is he went from telling me he was willing to do the whole meet the families thing and him texting me every morning to friend zone in 12 hours. And I tell him all the time I value effort over results, but in his mind he equates it to voluntary servitude. Which if people are not allowed to volunteer to be a slave to someone, I shouldn't be allowed to volunteer to be in an unhealthy relationship. I worry that he'll never reach a point where he accepts himself.

But when he looks at me... I don't see an aspie. The way he looks at me and he talks to me... Yes, he is definitely on the spectrum. But he is so considerate/intuitive sometimes. Then I read all of these posts online (not here) about how women wished they had walked away when their husbands were diagnosed or whatever. I have terrible judgement. So I can't trust what I want. Should I walk away? Or do I stay at his side as a friend until he is ready to be together again? He says he needs me and wants me in his life, but as a friend for now. But he would understand if I walked away. I just can't turn off my feelings and he knows I can't and I feel like I'm hurting him more. Because whenever I say something he thinks I have some hidden tone of resentment, and most times I don't. Every now and then I make an annoyed comment, but usually that's not the case.

 

[Tom]

take him at his word, and call it over.

sometimes it works out, often not. in this case I don't see the autism as the real problem, although it may seem like that somewhat to him. or he may be using it as an excuse. if he loved you back he would tell you I think, or show it in some way. but he's not.

don't waste any more time or emotion on him.

 

[Suzanne]

I am sorry, but there is no relationship here! Please, for both your sakes, listen to him and keep away!

I found out I am an aspie, late in my marriage life and married to an nt and we have a chronic uphill struggle. He is romantic; I am not - not cold, just not as gooey as he is lol. We are opposites in many ways and it is hard work. He cannot understand my need for space and demands that I take care of his needs and to realise I am not the only one with issues; so mostly it is a battle of wills and I just cannot cope, because I am not a competitive person.

Aspies are difficult people to coexist with because often we seem cold but actually we are not; just not warm in the same way. My husband can touch my flesh and feel desire; I do not feel anything when I touch him. People can huge me and I appreciate the sentiment, but feel no emotion when hugging! My husband has always complained that I do not touch him enough and so, I do try so very hard to accommodate him.

Your needs cannot be met by him and he obviously realises that, so please, please for both your sakes, say good bye!

 

[Aspergirl4hire]

Thank you for your thoughtful reply.

I guess at the end of the day I keep trying to fight this battle for him. And it's not my battle to fight.

I second SignOfLazarus. And you're right about it not being your battle to fight. From his point of view, there is not battle except the one you've been trying to start. With him. Aspies don't "have a syndrome," it's part of the identity. We have notable traits because they're part of brain structure.

You say you don't see an aspie. That's because you are using what you imagine an aspie is and not seeing it. There's a reason for the expression "When you've met one person 'with' Asperger's, you've met one person 'with' Asperger's'." There are three major forms of it, not mutually exclusive. We are credited with hyperempathy (driving withdrawal, sometimes), we have very rich interior lives (driving withdrawal sometimes), and we like our space (driving withdrawal sometimes).

If you can't avoid taking that personally, you're setting yourself up for a lot of disappointing times.

Clinging is a particular horror to some of us (I'm one). If I think someone is developing what feels like codependency on me, or who is trying to climb into my head or not allow me any privacy, I am out of there. And I've been happily 'taken' for two decades, and married for nearly as long.

I disagree that it's anyone else's business whether I accept myself. What matters is do they accept me? Or are they trying to use me to fix their issues instead of either accepting themselves or working on things they can and should control? Or are they so emotionally immature that they can't even get to the question?

Then I read all of these posts online (not here) about how women wished they had walked away when their husbands were diagnosed or whatever.

That's confusing the identity part with a "condition" that can neither be "cured" nor should exist, I think. What I actually hear there is "I don't know how to love him, and I don't want to put enough effort into adjusting my expectations so that I can love him."

I have terrible judgement. So I can't trust what I want. Should I walk away? Or do I stay at his side as a friend until he is ready to be together again?

I hope "stay at his side" doesn't mean that literally. He's a person, not a possession. If you love something, love it on its own terms. Love is patient and kind...etc. (The Bible's book of Corinthians, somewhere, has the verses people read at weddings.) Love is strong stuff, and it's muscular, not fragile.

Because whenever I say something he thinks I have some hidden tone of resentment, and most times I don't. Every now and then I make an annoyed comment, but usually that's not the case.

I suspect you're underestimating how much of your stress is leaking and how aware of it he is. Your 'annoyed' comments may persist for a lot longer than you think.

I'd encourage you to suspend all major decision making for the moment and ask yourself if you love him enough to be friend enough for now. If you don't, you might want to ask yourself why.

Do some self-care that doesn't require his input for a bit. And post again.

 

[ISFJSupporter]

Thank you all for your responses. and sorry for my delay. I have this wretched cold. I’m going to vent more than anything else. It’s pretty clear after talking to everyone what I need to do for him and for me. So feel free to not read my multiparagraph rant haha.


He definitely does not love me back. I don’t know if that’s part of him being an aspie or because he was hurt by the one person he did love. He bought her an engagement ring, was carrying it around, and she confessed to cheating on him with a friend of his. So part of me feels like he is using his diagnosis as an excuse to keep me at arm’s length, but part of me is not a therapist so who am I to make those judgements?


While he may not love me, I do know he cares. He does make a point to tell me that., and I see it in the small things he does. I’m a teacher, so it’s in my nature to value effort over results. It’s things like calling me when he’s sick because he wants to be in my arms to driving to my house for 5 minutes to show me his new motorcycle on his way home even though he has plans with his brother to inviting me to breakfast (which is a big deal, he only goes out to breakfast with his family it’s their thing). All of this makes me so happy, and okay so it’s really just things a girlfriend/ dating relationship should have. But I know how hard it is on him to make that effort.


For him, he knows what a boyfriend should be. And he can’t be that right now. Whether by choice, his diagnosis, or his personality… he has to focus on him. So even though I would be happy in a relationship with him knowing that I may not hear from him for days or that I can’t emotionally dump my stuff on him, he doesn’t want to do that to me. He doesn’t want that to be an okay thing and that I deserve better than that. But I don’t want that. I want him. I just can’t have him.


When I say stand by his side, I don’t mean it in a owning sort of way. For me, I put everything I am into a relationship. I don’t date multiple people at once. I can’t split my feelings like that. I love him. As long as he is in my life in any capacity, I will love him. I can’t be his friend and date someone else. I’d be his friend and be in love with him.


I escaped bipolar, but I do have high anxiety. I worry and I fixate. I spent the last year and a half bing single and fixing my life. I have reached my career goals, finished my MS, have the best family (two and four legged to no legs!), and everything in my life is puppies, rainbows, and unicorns. It’s why I wanted to start dating again. So I could share my wonderful life with someone I care about. So since I don’t have anything bugging me in my life, it’s really easy to fixate on his obstacle. But again, it’s not my issue to fix.


THANK YOU for letting me vent. You are all very kind, and I appreciate having your perspectives.

 

[ISFJSupporter]

So.... Against everyone's advice I saw him on Thursday. I needed help with something, and he was the only person besides going in to my doctor that could help. One thing led to another and we did things. After, I expected I should just go but he asked me to stay. It confused me because he wouldn't let me kiss him even just on the chest. He said it was too intimate and friends don't do that. Anyway, he took me for a ride on his motorcycle (a big deal) and then took me to dinner. Again, I expected I should just leave but he asked me to stay. We laid down and watched " Archer" just like we used to, and I was going to spend the night but his brother showed up. He had gotten into a fight with his wife. My aspie apologized and hugged me, and I went home. He hasn't talked to me much. I got a call from a guy I was seeing before, but I felt nothing. This is a well educated, has a career similar to mine, chivalrous, good looking, hilarious guy.... And nothing. So I decided I should be patient with my aspie. He said I should be prepared to wait a long time, and shouldn't feel guilty if I change my mind and he doesn't encourage me to wait. So I gave him a day and we were texting and so I asked him to a movie as friends and he blew me off.

I just don't understand. He said he enjoyed spending time with me, loved that I bought all the right gear to go riding and looked great, and it cannot emphasize enough how much he said he enjoyed dinner and being with me so why the eff is he pushing me away again?! Edit: he says it has nothing to do with me or how he feels, but it's part not wanting to hurt me and mostly self-preservation.

And then I feel like a B because I know he is dealing with a lot (he cried on Thursday which he does not do) and I'm being selfish. It's just so hard not to fixate when I'm stuck at home with a cold and only two dogs to talk to.

 

[ISFJSupporter]

Also, we have weird things in bed. I enjoy being submissive due to past trauma, and he enjoys being dominant. It stays in bed so it never bothered me. He says it's part of his aspie. That he gets off on my pain. Actual pain. He took things really far on Thursday on a physical and emotion level. He says some dumb things when we are having a scene and typically I enjoy it, but he called me a failure and a disappointment and took things too far physically. He did immediately apologize and was gentle after, but I don't know what is him being an aspie or if he is just mean.

 

[royinpink]

Also, we have weird things in bed. I enjoy being submissive due to past trauma, and he enjoys being dominant. It stays in bed so it never bothered me. He says it's part of his aspie. That he gets off on my pain. Actual pain. He took things really far on Thursday on a physical and emotion level. He says some dumb things when we are having a scene and typically I enjoy it, but he called me a failure and a disappointment and took things too far physically. He did immediately apologize and was gentle after, but I don't know what is him being an aspie or if he is just mean.

Um, I really don't know what to say about that other than no, it is not a part of Asperger's. Going too far with something due to not recognizing 'the line' might be part of AS (and that line is something you need to be absolutely clear about), but liking to see you in pain is not.

 

[royinpink]

He definitely does not love me back. I don’t know if that’s part of him being an aspie or because he was hurt by the one person he did love. He bought her an engagement ring, was carrying it around, and she confessed to cheating on him with a friend of his. So part of me feels like he is using his diagnosis as an excuse to keep me at arm’s length, but part of me is not a therapist so who am I to make those judgements?

Oh god...I've been there. Good luck to you, but don't hold out hope. Um, yeah, it is going to be hard for him to trust you. Don't take it personally. It has nothing to do with you. And keep giving him space to deal with being close to someone again. He might not always be able to explain it, but he definitely needs it.

An NT, assuming he was NT, once told me, knowing how he was hurt, that 'People who can't trust will hurt you again and again. And they don't mean to, but they will.' I think this is true regardless of neurotype. From what I know, aspies tend to have a harder time with lies and betrayal than most, though.

I tend to agree with others that it would be better to walk away, for now. If that means cutting him off so you don't fixate, then so be it. Allow yourself to enjoy being with someone who can give you love and affection. Maybe in a couple years, he will be ready. But he's not right now, and I think he's made that clear. No matter how patient you are...that isn't going to change.

 

[Tia Maria]

I am not on the spectrum, but have been reading & learning a lot. I do have good judgement & a track record of good decision making in life. I also am very happily married to a wonderful guy for over 20 years. I really recommend you take Tom's sage advice above. Tom is an Aspie male & I personally find his advice to be consistently sound. Following your most recent revelations, it seems like you two have great chemistry & you are in love with this guy. But you don't have a real relationship. At least not the kind that you really long for otherwise you wouldn't be feeling the way you do. He may like you, care for you & enjoy spending time with you, but he does not treat you well enough nor is making an effort on his part to establish or nurture a bf/gf relationship with you. On the contrary he has explained that you need not wait for him as he is "not ready" etc ...

Regardless of why, you deserve better. At the moment you pretty much have a 'friends with benefits' relationship. It is difficult for most guys, Aspie or NT, to pass up an opportunity for that kind of arrangement. About his "liking to see you in pain".... even if that was something new & so far only a one time thing, I would consider it a red flag.

All in all, regardless of whether someone is aspergers or not, they don't get a free pass & need to be held to the same standards in a relationship as anyone else. Having difficulties or being different is okay. But in any relationship both partners have to give, make efforts, take the time to communicate & show commitment. You don't have that with this guy. You could move on & wait until you meet someone else with whom you have chemistry & a mutual interest in dating & developing a relationship. Or you can stay friends with benefits with this guy.

I think you deserve more, & your future self will one day look back regretfully if you devote (waste) months or years of your life waiting for this guy.

 

[Aspergirl4hire]

Also, we have weird things in bed. I enjoy being submissive due to past trauma, and he enjoys being dominant. It stays in bed so it never bothered me. He says it's part of his aspie. That he gets off on my pain. Actual pain. He took things really far on Thursday on a physical and emotion level. He says some dumb things when we are having a scene and typically I enjoy it, but he called me a failure and a disappointment and took things too far physically. He did immediately apologize and was gentle after, but I don't know what is him being an aspie or if he is just mean.

That is not a function of being an aspie. Here's the distinction as I see it, for what it's worth (I'm hyperlexical--fast at words--and a bit irritable):

1. I tell you exactly what behaviors you did that disappointed me, and I'm clearly angry about it ("you did x and y and I thought you were an idiot").
2. I judge you because your behaviors disappointed me, and I make those judgments sound permanent ("you're an idiot") based on a single experience.

#1 is a bad-tempered and frustrated aspie reacting to a disappointment, and probably disproportionately. And I'm remorseful, but it can take me hours to emotionally process to that point.

#2 is being mean.

Your mileage (and everyone else's) may vary.

 

[ISFJSupporter]

Thank you all.

I'm pulling away. I'm injured so I can't do my usual stress relief and have been resorting to some bad habits. Namely, that Friday night glass of champagne has turned into many glasses on a nightly basis. I booked an appointment with my therapist to vent in the meanwhile. It's hard. Today is the first day we haven't talked. I think I want to be single for a while again. Not for him, but just for me. I need to re-focus my energy now that school is over, work is good, and I can't do krav.

As for the in bed, it's hard to explain without being graphic but it's good to know that I'm not the only person alarmed by it. We can get pretty intense in a scene, and he has said things in the moment that afterwards he assures me was just part of the scene. I don't know. What he said hurt my feelings (and he did apologize for it later, hugged me, and told me it was just part of the scene and he won't be that jerky again) but the other part. We have code words for when I'm done and a code word for when I am REALLY done. I did one time use my really done word and he pushed it, but I have always trusted him and could tolerate it. But this day, it went too far. But then I wonder if it was my fault because looking back, I didn't say any of our words. But at the same time, in the moment it seemed like he knew what he was doing and what it was doing to me. But then I don't know. fbk.badkdbsjfbdkdasb

I really appreciate you all. So much. I don't know that he'll ever let me in. He said it when we got back together after our issue that he felt himself falling for me and so he pushed me away repeatedly.

I really cannot say thank you enough.

 

[ISFJSupporter]

I doubt I will have anything to update any time soon, but if and when things evolve (with or without him) I will let you all know.

Side note: what does everyone mean when they say NT? Is it referring to the Myer-Briggs personality traits? If so, if it sheds any light on our relationship discord he is an ENTJ and I am an ISFJ. We both very much embody our types. The only thing we have in common personality wise is that we both have a killer work ethic and strive to be the best in our chosen careers.

 

[Harrison]

I doubt I will have anything to update any time soon, but if and when things evolve (with or without him) I will let you all know.

Side note: what does everyone mean when they say NT? Is it referring to the Myer-Briggs personality traits? If so, if it sheds any light on our relationship discord he is an ENTJ and I am an ISFJ. We both very much embody our types. The only thing we have in common personality wise is that we both have a killer work ethic and strive to be the best in our chosen careers.

NT is the acronym for NeuroTypical, people who are not on the spectrum.

 

[Tia Maria]

Thank you all.

I'm pulling away. I'm injured so I can't do my usual stress relief and have been resorting to some bad habits. Namely, that Friday night glass of champagne has turned into many glasses on a nightly basis. I booked an appointment with my therapist to vent in the meanwhile. It's hard. Today is the first day we haven't talked. I think I want to be single for a while again. Not for him, but just for me. I need to re-focus my energy now that school is over, work is good, and I can't do krav.

As for the in bed, it's hard to explain without being graphic but it's good to know that I'm not the only person alarmed by it. We can get pretty intense in a scene, and he has said things in the moment that afterwards he assures me was just part of the scene. I don't know. What he said hurt my feelings (and he did apologize for it later, hugged me, and told me it was just part of the scene and he won't be that jerky again) but the other part. We have code words for when I'm done and a code word for when I am REALLY done. I did one time use my really done word and he pushed it, but I have always trusted him and could tolerate it. But this day, it went too far. But then I wonder if it was my fault because looking back, I didn't say any of our words. But at the same time, in the moment it seemed like he knew what he was doing and what it was doing to me. But then I don't know. fbk.badkdbsjfbdkdasb

I really appreciate you all. So much. I don't know that he'll ever let me in. He said it when we got back together after our issue that he felt himself falling for me and so he pushed me away repeatedly.

I really cannot say thank you enough.

Hey I wish you the very best, & much love & happiness in your life. You deserve it. Everyone does. Please don't settle for less.

And PS - please trust your gut instincts, your intuition.

You wrote, "... I did one time use my really done word and he pushed it .... ..... But then I wonder if it was my fault because looking back, I didn't say any of our words. But at the same time, in the moment it seemed like he knew what he was doing and what it was doing to me. But then I don't know. "

NO, NOT YOUR FAULT. As your partner he should have been taking care of you, not just selfishly satisfying his sexual needs. Even if he got carried away in the moment, he treated you carelessly & has also not met your emotional needs. He is also, for whatever reason(s) unable &/or uninterested in being a reliable boyfriend or committing to an actual relationship with you. I'm sure he likes you & cares about you. But honestly, not enough, & you deserve more.

 

[SignOfLazarus]

As for the in bed, it's hard to explain without being graphic but it's good to know that I'm not the only person alarmed by it. We can get pretty intense in a scene, and he has said things in the moment that afterwards he assures me was just part of the scene. I don't know. What he said hurt my feelings (and he did apologize for it later, hugged me, and told me it was just part of the scene and he won't be that jerky again) but the other part. We have code words for when I'm done and a code word for when I am REALLY done. I did one time use my really done word and he pushed it, but I have always trusted him and could tolerate it. But this day, it went too far. But then I wonder if it was my fault because looking back, I didn't say any of our words. But at the same time, in the moment it seemed like he knew what he was doing and what it was doing to me. But then I don't know. fbk.badkdbsjfbdkdasb...

Given the language you use here, it seems that you have "safe" words. I'm not clear on whether the specific instance you are referring to involved you using the "safe" words or not, but you already said that he disregarded an extreme safe word once.
Someone in his position also has a responsibility to be aware of the effect he is having. So, I strongly support your decision to back away. From everything you are saying, this is not a matter of it being part of the scene you were involved in- this is just not a good situation. Please "trust your gut" on this one and don't second guess the alarm and concern these situations evoked.

It honestly doesn't matter how much you trust a person outside of that kind of activity. It is how someone treats another who is vulnerable that really reflects who they are.
I'm just a random person on the internet- knowing that, I rarely so strongly state my concerns in this manner nor what I think is the appropriate course of action so strongly- in this case, however I would really encourage you to keep your distance. You know this is a bad situation.

 

[Tia Maria]

Given the language you use here, it seems that you have "safe" words. I'm not clear on whether the specific instance you are referring to involved you using the "safe" words or not, but you already said that he disregarded an extreme safe word once.
Someone in his position also has a responsibility to be aware of the effect he is having. So, I strongly support your decision to back away. From everything you are saying, this is not a matter of it being part of the scene you were involved in- this is just not a good situation. Please "trust your gut" on this one and don't second guess the alarm and concern these situations evoked.

It honestly doesn't matter how much you trust a person outside of that kind of activity. It is how someone treats another who is vulnerable that really reflects who they are.
I'm just a random person on the internet- knowing that, I rarely so strongly state my concerns in this manner nor what I think is the appropriate course of action so strongly- in this case, however I would really encourage you to keep your distance. You know this is a bad situation.

Very beautifully said SignOfLazarus.