Jane Smith
Well-Known Member
Hello all!
I am a little bit new to the forum. My brother and most of my friends are autistic, so I am pretty familiar. However, recently I have run into a friendship that I am not sure how to navigate. I wanted to describe it to you guys and see if I can get some advice.
[I am going to call him Jim. For his privacy's sake]
We met during one of my classes in college. At first, I wasn't sure how I felt about him. He seemed very distant and somewhat cold. However, he was going through a lot, and seemed to have depression. We started to get to know each other, and I realized that he was a pretty good guy. He followed me on twitter and liked a tweet every once in a while. But once class ended we stopped talking.
After a few months he started talking to me on twitter again. He would like a lot of my tweets and would @ me every time I talked about video games. Soon he was liking my tweets every day, and after a while I looked forward to them.
A year passed, and I realized we were taking the same class in the spring. I had started to form a little bit of a crush on him, but it wasn't very strong. So, I didn't think it was a big deal.
He seemed happy to see me when I walked in and waved hello (which he normally doesn't do.). He was still somewhat distant, but not as depressed as when we first met. We would talk for a long period of time.
After a couple weeks of talking Jim had completely changed as a human being. He was infinitely happier. We would often tease and poke fun at each other. I made sure all the jokes were very exaggerated that way he would understand that I was trying to make him laugh. He would do the same thing to me.
We would talk every day after class for an hour or so. I found out what his favorite game was, and in order to bond with him, I started playing it. This made talking to him a lot easier since he doesn't respond well to small talk.
Jim started to go out of his way to make me feel better and to help me out with any problems I had. We're both game designers, and he is extremely good at it. He started helping me with it every time he saw me in class and told me to contact him through twitter if I had questions. Sometimes we would even meet before class to talk about it. He'd show me videos he thought were funny and it felt like we were getting pretty close.
However, this changed during the second half of the semester. We still seemed close, however, he stopped hanging out with me after class. He stopped talking to me for the most part on twitter. Sometimes he would answer my e-mails. Sometimes he wouldn't. After a while I wasn't sure when he would respond.
Suddenly started to avoid me in class. He would help every else with their games, but not mine.
Finally, I confronted him. I tried to keep it pretty calm and explained in great detail where I was hurt and confused. I wondered if I somehow offended him and asked him if I did.
Jim told me it was an accident. I understood and explained further why I the confrontation happened. Not out of malice, but just so that he understood where I was coming from.
He didn't respond.
When I saw him in class he was VERY upset. He didn't say this in words, but because of my experience with my brother, I knew he was very upset about my confrontation. He tried very hard to not avoid me, and I realized that maybe there was a misunderstanding.
At the end of the semester, I started to panic, however. I wasn't really sure where our friendship was going to go once we parted ways.
When class did end, Jim stopped talking to me on twitter completely. He wouldn't like or retweet any of my tweets even when I talked about things he loved. I would talk to him, but a lot of the times he wouldn't respond.
The reasoning behind this seemed unclear. He would often talk to other classmates. One of the other classmates would even brag about it to me (She also has a crush on him). This made me feel worse, but that's for another topic entirely.
A couple weeks after class ended I asked him to hang out during lunch. I tried to make it very clear this was not romantic. We were just going to talk about video games.
When we met up, I learned a lot about him. He told me about his family, and work. Jim is one of the most beautiful human beings I have ever met in my life. He was unbelievably kind and empathetic. When I talked he would listen to me very intently.
Sometimes when I asked a question, he would remember to respond and ask a question back. But, most of the time he would quietly watch me.
During our lunch it started to rain. I put up my laptop because I didn't want it to get messed up. I asked him if he wanted to sit inside, and he said sure, but wouldn't get up. So, we just sat there for the rest of the hour.
Luckily, it wasn't raining very hard.
At this point, I am practically in love with that. I am hesitant to say that because I am Asexual Gray-Aromantic, but I knew I wanted him in my life forever. Thing is, Jim has a girlfriend. He even mentioned his Girlfriend during our lunch. So, I never told him because I didn't want to ruin what we had.
I asked him to meet up again, but this time it was different.
This time Jim was very sad. The saddest I had ever seen him. It was hard to witness. It was like he was dead inside—numb. He was unrecognizable.
I had a rough week, so I didn't know how to make him feel better. Typically, I have a list of questions to ask him, but I didn't that time. We talked for a while, and I managed to get him to make a small laugh a couple times. But, for the most part he didn't seem to want to talk.
So, it became silent. I just worked on homework as he worked on his.
I wasn't sure if I was making things any better, so I got up and told him I needed to go. He had a very sharp, strong reaction. It was a reaction that was very difficult to describe. For a moment I thought I had hurt his feelings.
I told him I was just very tired, and that I wanted to make sure he was ready for his class. I don't think this made him feel better. All he did was get up and start to act very happy. But, I knew he wasn't happy. He was just acting like he was happy because he thought he hurt my feelings.
I told him goodbye, made him laugh, and then left.
I wanted to give him a big hug, but I knew I couldn't. Jim has very specific boundaries. You can only be close to him at certain times. It took him a very long time for him to even be comfortable sitting next to me.
So, I didn't. I just watched him painfully.
My question to you guys is that I know Jim is going through a lot. We're both a bit older. I am 30 and he is 36. Recently, he broke up with his ex-girlfriend that he was with for over 10 years and has a child. Right now, his job isn't paying all the bills, and he struggles to make ends meet. He is close to some family members, but not all of them. So, they can't help him financially.
I know none of this is for me to bear. However, I want him to know that I am always here if he needs me. But, I don't know how to communicate this to him in a way that makes sense. I also realize that he has a girlfriend. So, even though we are very close spiritually, I feel like it might come off romantic to those who aren't clued in. Especially since we're in our thirties. (Jim acts young, though.)
I also feel like I am not completely educated on Autism, so I take some of what he does personally. I don't realize until later that I was mistaken.
Being on this site helps a lot. It's added a lot of perspective.
I am a little bit new to the forum. My brother and most of my friends are autistic, so I am pretty familiar. However, recently I have run into a friendship that I am not sure how to navigate. I wanted to describe it to you guys and see if I can get some advice.
[I am going to call him Jim. For his privacy's sake]
We met during one of my classes in college. At first, I wasn't sure how I felt about him. He seemed very distant and somewhat cold. However, he was going through a lot, and seemed to have depression. We started to get to know each other, and I realized that he was a pretty good guy. He followed me on twitter and liked a tweet every once in a while. But once class ended we stopped talking.
After a few months he started talking to me on twitter again. He would like a lot of my tweets and would @ me every time I talked about video games. Soon he was liking my tweets every day, and after a while I looked forward to them.
A year passed, and I realized we were taking the same class in the spring. I had started to form a little bit of a crush on him, but it wasn't very strong. So, I didn't think it was a big deal.
He seemed happy to see me when I walked in and waved hello (which he normally doesn't do.). He was still somewhat distant, but not as depressed as when we first met. We would talk for a long period of time.
After a couple weeks of talking Jim had completely changed as a human being. He was infinitely happier. We would often tease and poke fun at each other. I made sure all the jokes were very exaggerated that way he would understand that I was trying to make him laugh. He would do the same thing to me.
We would talk every day after class for an hour or so. I found out what his favorite game was, and in order to bond with him, I started playing it. This made talking to him a lot easier since he doesn't respond well to small talk.
Jim started to go out of his way to make me feel better and to help me out with any problems I had. We're both game designers, and he is extremely good at it. He started helping me with it every time he saw me in class and told me to contact him through twitter if I had questions. Sometimes we would even meet before class to talk about it. He'd show me videos he thought were funny and it felt like we were getting pretty close.
However, this changed during the second half of the semester. We still seemed close, however, he stopped hanging out with me after class. He stopped talking to me for the most part on twitter. Sometimes he would answer my e-mails. Sometimes he wouldn't. After a while I wasn't sure when he would respond.
Suddenly started to avoid me in class. He would help every else with their games, but not mine.
Finally, I confronted him. I tried to keep it pretty calm and explained in great detail where I was hurt and confused. I wondered if I somehow offended him and asked him if I did.
Jim told me it was an accident. I understood and explained further why I the confrontation happened. Not out of malice, but just so that he understood where I was coming from.
He didn't respond.
When I saw him in class he was VERY upset. He didn't say this in words, but because of my experience with my brother, I knew he was very upset about my confrontation. He tried very hard to not avoid me, and I realized that maybe there was a misunderstanding.
At the end of the semester, I started to panic, however. I wasn't really sure where our friendship was going to go once we parted ways.
When class did end, Jim stopped talking to me on twitter completely. He wouldn't like or retweet any of my tweets even when I talked about things he loved. I would talk to him, but a lot of the times he wouldn't respond.
The reasoning behind this seemed unclear. He would often talk to other classmates. One of the other classmates would even brag about it to me (She also has a crush on him). This made me feel worse, but that's for another topic entirely.
A couple weeks after class ended I asked him to hang out during lunch. I tried to make it very clear this was not romantic. We were just going to talk about video games.
When we met up, I learned a lot about him. He told me about his family, and work. Jim is one of the most beautiful human beings I have ever met in my life. He was unbelievably kind and empathetic. When I talked he would listen to me very intently.
Sometimes when I asked a question, he would remember to respond and ask a question back. But, most of the time he would quietly watch me.
During our lunch it started to rain. I put up my laptop because I didn't want it to get messed up. I asked him if he wanted to sit inside, and he said sure, but wouldn't get up. So, we just sat there for the rest of the hour.
Luckily, it wasn't raining very hard.
At this point, I am practically in love with that. I am hesitant to say that because I am Asexual Gray-Aromantic, but I knew I wanted him in my life forever. Thing is, Jim has a girlfriend. He even mentioned his Girlfriend during our lunch. So, I never told him because I didn't want to ruin what we had.
I asked him to meet up again, but this time it was different.
This time Jim was very sad. The saddest I had ever seen him. It was hard to witness. It was like he was dead inside—numb. He was unrecognizable.
I had a rough week, so I didn't know how to make him feel better. Typically, I have a list of questions to ask him, but I didn't that time. We talked for a while, and I managed to get him to make a small laugh a couple times. But, for the most part he didn't seem to want to talk.
So, it became silent. I just worked on homework as he worked on his.
I wasn't sure if I was making things any better, so I got up and told him I needed to go. He had a very sharp, strong reaction. It was a reaction that was very difficult to describe. For a moment I thought I had hurt his feelings.
I told him I was just very tired, and that I wanted to make sure he was ready for his class. I don't think this made him feel better. All he did was get up and start to act very happy. But, I knew he wasn't happy. He was just acting like he was happy because he thought he hurt my feelings.
I told him goodbye, made him laugh, and then left.
I wanted to give him a big hug, but I knew I couldn't. Jim has very specific boundaries. You can only be close to him at certain times. It took him a very long time for him to even be comfortable sitting next to me.
So, I didn't. I just watched him painfully.
My question to you guys is that I know Jim is going through a lot. We're both a bit older. I am 30 and he is 36. Recently, he broke up with his ex-girlfriend that he was with for over 10 years and has a child. Right now, his job isn't paying all the bills, and he struggles to make ends meet. He is close to some family members, but not all of them. So, they can't help him financially.
I know none of this is for me to bear. However, I want him to know that I am always here if he needs me. But, I don't know how to communicate this to him in a way that makes sense. I also realize that he has a girlfriend. So, even though we are very close spiritually, I feel like it might come off romantic to those who aren't clued in. Especially since we're in our thirties. (Jim acts young, though.)
I also feel like I am not completely educated on Autism, so I take some of what he does personally. I don't realize until later that I was mistaken.
Being on this site helps a lot. It's added a lot of perspective.
