How do I make friendships?

[DragonKid♾]

I want friendships. Real life friendships, not just digital ones. People who really care about me and aren’t on the other side of the world. I don’t know how. I asked someone on another forum and they said that I just need confidence and I have to go out and do it. But how? Look at what I’m working with. I can’t follow a conversation or feel engaged in small talk. My body language doesn’t match what I’m trying to say and I can’t read other peoples either. My eye contact is so bad that I sometimes end up looking in the opposite direction as the person I’m talking to. I can’t focus on what I’m going to say if there are distractions in the area. I sometimes feel unable to speak to the point where I’m debating trying partial AAC to cope, but it would make me even more of a weirdo.

I have “friends” now, but we don’t feel close. I feel like we’re just a bunch of people who kind of like each other. Even with them I feel isolated. I’ve kind of given up hope that an allistic will ever find me friend material. Is that defeatist or realistic? A couple of people in my group are autistic too, but they’re all much better at communicating than I am. I feel the same disconnect. I’m wondering about trying to find a place where I can talk to “higher needs” autistics. But I feel like I wouldn’t belong there, like I’m too skilled to fit in, that I would just be taking resources from those who need it.

I don’t know what to do. I feel so isolated. I’ve stopped putting energy and effort into my friendships. I’ve never kept a friend for longer than a year or two. I feel now that it’s just that I’m bad at friendships. I understand the hypocrisy of wanting a friendship without having to put in the work, but this way it hurts less when it inevitably ends. This has happened every time without fail.

Also, due to my history of being bullied, I feel nervous when approaching new people. What if they’re like the others? I want friendships. Better friendships. But I haven’t the slightest idea how to get them. Am I a lost cause socially?

 

[Tom]

In a way it is like any other skill. Not everyone can master it, but I think most people, those on the spectrum included, can improve with practice. You could consider reading up on it, observing how others interact and then take some small steps yourself. Expect mistakes and set backs, which are part of the learning process. Don't let discouragement alone sideline you. I don't think anyone can really predict how far they will be able to go with it. Just take the first step and hope for the best.

 

[Neonatal RRT]

How do you make friends? Well, imagine a world without electronic devices when you had to actually walk up to people and talk to them. If you wanted to see them, you had to actually make time and see them on a frequent basis. Then, you have to maintain that relationship with frequent interactions, several times a week or so. You have to do things for each other, random acts of kindness, and have it reciprocated. It's always a two-way street.

It is often helpful to have similar interests, but it doesn't have to be. My wife and I are best friends and yet we have very little in common when it comes to interests.

I would never call maintaining a relationship "work" per se, but it does require some thoughtful and frequent interactions, even if it is simply "checking up" on them, a funny text, something, on a daily basis, to keep the relationship going. Spending quality time with this person is essential, but you two should have a life and responsibilities apart from that, so if either of you are getting the sense that the relationship is interfering with other aspects of your lives, you need to be sensitive to that.

There is a balance to be had. A few forum members have had issues with being accused of being too "clingy" and have the relationship fall apart due to that. So, all things in moderation. A friendship should be relaxed and easy. You two should actually find some sort of "sanctuary" in each other's company.

 

[1ofakind]

The best luck I've had with friendships is finding others with similar interests.

 

[DragonKid♾]

The problem is that I don’t know how to motivate myself to do the work. I’ve put work into friendships before. I still ended up used or belittled or just not in a good friendship. What’s the point of work! I’m just cursed I guess. Also where do I read information? What do I look for when observing people? How do I even start talking to someone? How do I learn? Should I quit my quest and learn how to just not have friends?

 

[Georgia Galaxy]

Nope. You're certainly not a lost cause. I believe there is a solution to everything, so eventually, you will find that solution. Keep close to your heart and mind and you will find what you want. Or need. In this case, friends. I know that making friends is hard at first but sometimes, it happens miraculously! If you go out, or talk to people a little bit, you might find that it's not as bad as you thought. Sometimes the jokes people make may grind your gears, but it's best to give things a shot!

 

[Georgia Galaxy]

How do you make friends? Well, imagine a world without electronic devices when you had to actually walk up to people and talk to them. If you wanted to see them, you had to actually make time and see them on a frequent basis. Then, you have to maintain that relationship with frequent interactions, several times a week or so. You have to do things for each other, random acts of kindness, and have it reciprocated. It's always a two-way street.

A friendship should be relaxed and easy. You two should actually find some sort of "sanctuary" in each other's company.

Even texting your friend can help I agree with the bottom statement here.

 

[DragonKid♾]

Even texting your friend can help I agree with the bottom statement here.

I don’t really have anyone’s number. People don’t give me their number unless we have to meet up for a group project or something. I do have one person’s number, but she hasn’t texted me in ages. Should I text her? I feel if people cared they would give me their number. If people cared they would text me unprovoked. I feel I would be being pushy.

 

[1ofakind]

A psychologist with Aspergers has a website about social skills here
https://www.improveyoursocialskills.com/He is promoting his book entitled, Improve Your Social Skills. But skimming his site, he seems to offer free info as well. He seems to provide more of the specifics you are asking about. It might be worth checking out.

 

[DragonKid♾]

A psychologist with Aspergers has a website about social skills here
https://www.improveyoursocialskills.com/He is promoting his book entitled, Improve Your Social Skills. But skimming his site, he seems to offer free info as well. He seems to provide more of the specifics you are asking about. It might be worth checking out.

I checked it out. And I started crying. I wish so hard that I didn’t have to train like this. I wish I could just interact as myself without training a persona to do it for me, but I know I probably can’t. I don’t think I’m in the right mental state to read this right now. Maybe later. I’ll remember this:

 

[vergil96]

I don’t really have anyone’s number. People don’t give me their number unless we have to meet up for a group project or something. I do have one person’s number, but she hasn’t texted me in ages. Should I text her? I feel if people cared they would give me their number. If people cared they would text me unprovoked. I feel I would be being pushy.

In my environment, people exchange social media accounts like facebook, instagram, and so forth and rarely use the phone number, I call and write texts only to family members including cousins. I adopted a rule of thumb that it's nice to message someone you consider a friend or a good acquaintance every once in a while (in my case once a month or so, with some friends I contact more rarely, e.g. during the summer and around Christmas, so about two times a year, sort of friendships in freeze mode). If you have something to share, for example a funny meme or an interesting article (short one) or something on instagram, you can send it to people. Maybe the other people are waiting for someone to reach out to them like you are, plenty of people are shy or just lack social initiative. I write messages, but if I initiate a couple of times and the other person doesn't pick it up, I leave it and perceive it as a signal of not really wanting to continue.

About not having friends for longer than a year or two, I think that's quite normal. It's rare to encounter such a good friend that you keep in touch with each other for years. Many people also don't have a desire for deeper connections. It is said that extraverts have many friends, but the relationships they have have less depth, and introverts have fewer friends but bond more strongly.

 

[Wolfiedog]

i definitely feel your pain, DragonKid.
It's been my experience that people are only your friend if it's convenient and/or beneficial in some way. i'm not being a cynic here, but stating the facts.
There are rare, strong, deep seated friendships out there, but they are far and few between. Not to say you might not find one, but you also might win the lottery.
Perhaps you're under the illusion of TV and movies as i was for over forty five years of my life. Strong friendships, almost like brothers, taking on the world or universe together in another weekly adventure of daring do. The reason it's on TV and movies is because it's fantasy. Even being the loyalist friend to many different people over the years has proven futile. It's usually superficial on their end and sometimes the loyalty freaks them out and they disappear on me.
If you ever really want to test a friendship, just open up a little bit to them about what who you really are as a result of living with autism. That will weed people out of your life faster than cockroaches scattering when the light comes on.
Learn to be your own best friend first, because nobody cares more about you than yourself and your mother.
If you want to make friends easier in everyday life then you must own the issue and improve yourself. Read. Read. Read.

Personality Plus
How to Win Friends and Influence People
Seven Habits of Highly Effective People

These are just few to get started. The changes won't happen over night, but the constant re-enforcement of the ideas in these books presented in different ways will eventually help put you more in touch where other people are coming from and how to present your own personality as someone they might like to know. Utilize the knowledge. Apply it practically and soon you will understand the knowledge. but it doesn't come overnight.
i was fortunate enough to come across these books in my late twenties and by thirty four i started to hit my stride with people skills. But i never found that deep rooted, unbreakable friendship i was looking for like in the movies and TV. Who knows, perhaps you will..?
Best of luck, DragonKid.
But like my mother once told me long ago, "I'm sorry life is so difficult for you."

 

[All-Rounder]

I went to parks, daily and people would sometimes sit down by me but only old people would communicate with me. Something about them, they find small things to start a convo and sometimes it goes from there. The newer gen keeps more to themselves and have their own connections, so they're not looking and can be acting hostile in regards to random approach.

Nothing came out of it. There was once a lady with a kid that asked for moms phone number and mom gave it, she was new to the city, because mom offered directions. But never seen it otherwise.

But it's true that once you get contact info things get much easier. As long as they reply.

 

[Georgia Galaxy]

I don’t really have anyone’s number. People don’t give me their number unless we have to meet up for a group project or something. I do have one person’s number, but she hasn’t texted me in ages. Should I text her? I feel if people cared they would give me their number. If people cared they would text me unprovoked. I feel I would be being pushy.

Nah, you should give it a try if you're up to it ^^ You never know!

 

[Georgia Galaxy]

I went to parks, daily and people would sometimes sit down by me but only old people would communicate with me. Something about them, they find small things to start a convo and sometimes it goes from there. The newer gen keeps more to themselves and have their own connections, so they're not looking and can be acting hostile in regards to random approach.

Nothing came out of it. There was once a lady with a kid that asked for moms phone number and mom gave it, she was new to the city, because mom offered directions. But never seen it otherwise.

But it's true that once you get contact info things get much easier. As long as they reply.

As someone who's young, I totally agree. I had a lot of negative experiences with people my age, and tbh.... Some of them are just wrong in the head and hard to read. Luckily I have some friends near my age who really care. When someone doesn't reply for months for an unknown reason... Things can get confusing.

 

[Georgia Galaxy]

The changes won't happen over night, but the constant re-enforcement of the ideas in these books presented in different ways will eventually help put you more in touch where other people are coming from and how to present your own personality as someone they might like to know. Utilize the knowledge. Apply it practically and soon you will understand the knowledge. but it doesn't come overnight.
i was fortunate enough to come across these books in my late twenties and by thirty four i started to hit my stride with people skills. But i never found that deep rooted, unbreakable friendship i was looking for like in the movies and TV. Who knows, perhaps you will..?
Best of luck, DragonKid.
But like my mother once told me long ago, "I'm sorry life is so difficult for you."

True, it may actually take a few years to get better at socialising, like it did with me. Otherwise I wouldn't be here ^^

 

[paloftoon]

I don't feel that making friends is as much a skill as there is some luck before. You could be doing everything right and if someone's doesn't like how you look or your interests, even if you're willing to reciprocate on doing their interests, even if you aren't a financial burden on them when going out to eat or such, the other person may simply not be interested in hanging with you for selfish reasons.

Go to as many in-person meetups as you have the energy for.
Don't try to rush a friendship, but don't try to take forever either. Just start talking with people and try to show interests in some of their interests and display some of your own when asked or if you have time to speak. I'd say, meet with the same group of people at least on 3 different days before asking others who might have enough in common with you if you can.

If you are in a situation like volunteering for a convention and not going to a meetup weekly or something like that, then you have to guess by context if you can build up with other(s) to see if they'd want to do stuff with you outside of how you normally hang out/work with the respective person/people.

 

[Ronald Zeeman]

How do you make friends? Well, imagine a world without electronic devices when you had to actually walk up to people and talk to them. If you wanted to see them, you had to actually make time and see them on a frequent basis. Then, you have to maintain that relationship with frequent interactions, several times a week or so. You have to do things for each other, random acts of kindness, and have it reciprocated. It's always a two-way street.

It is often helpful to have similar interests, but it doesn't have to be. My wife and I are best friends and yet we have very little in common when it comes to interests.

I would never call maintaining a relationship "work" per se, but it does require some thoughtful and frequent interactions, even if it is simply "checking up" on them, a funny text, something, on a daily basis, to keep the relationship going. Spending quality time with this person is essential, but you two should have a life and responsibilities apart from that, so if either of you are getting the sense that the relationship is interfering with other aspects of your lives, you need to be sensitive to that.

There is a balance to be had. A few forum members have had issues with being accused of being too "clingy" and have the relationship fall apart due to that. So, all things in moderation. A friendship should be relaxed and easy. You two should actually find some sort of "sanctuary" in each other's company.

I'm with you us years has only a few things in common with me. My closest friend and I keep in contact by phone occasionally. unfortunately, he passed away and I was not informed until later, his sister knew of me but did not know my phone number. that's how it works with two Aspies that like being alone yet were friends.

 

[Shevek]

The best luck I've had with friendships is finding others with similar interests.

I'll second that. I did interesting projects, and people found me to work together one way or another. A few of them also liked to laugh at the same things, and had similar attitudes to sharing, etc, and became friends.

 

[WiffingWaffles]

Where do you live for a start, Houston?