How do I stop getting attached to people I like so quickly?

[foliodoe]

Often when I'm developing a connection with someone, if we get along I'll start getting way too attached almost immediately. People say things to me like, "I don't really know you that well," or "Let's see where this goes before we make any decisions," and it hurts my feelings because I feel like I've really connected at a meaningful level with some people. I get a feeling from them that I don't get from everyone else, so they become special to me.

I think this pushes people away, but I don't understand why they waste so much time "getting to know" me. It feels like they're just looking for reasons to reject me or things they don't like about me. I just want someone to give me the benefit of the doubt and take an interest me the same way I take an interest in them. I hate feeling like I need to sell myself to others and convince them to like me.

Any tips or personal stories you'd like to share? Thanks!

 

[Kregan]

This is definitely relatable, I have had these experiences as well, although not as much since my official diagnosis.

I would say since I have become aware, and know my triggers for meltdowns, and getting heated easily, I tend to stay by myself or just hang out with 2 really old friends at this time.

When I would try to get friends, I would tend to do this sometimes where if plans were being made, and it was inferred everyone in the room was included, I would (for lack of a better word) "but," in to the conversation when there was a lull to state excitement, or what not and then get that stare(the disapproving stare) and not get why at first.

I find it is better (maybe not always) to take the slow approach, or the long game, to feel out and gauge reactions, and compare what people said to you, as I know people with autism don't always read body language so well.

Maybe if you do feel that excitement, talk with a 3rd party and see what they think from all of your data and gauge where to go from there?

NT's tend to distance themselves from those who are different, and I know for myself I can be intense with what I divulge, or wanting to hang out a bunch.

I hope this helps.

 

[LadyS]

My experience is that in general, people might connect to others at some level, but they just might not have the time and energy to fully commit to new people in a way that's equally meaningful to that other person, so they play the "long game" as mentioned above so the relationship doesn't become one-sided.

So while for you, having a connection in an interest jumps up on your priority list, their priority list is different. Not everyone is looking to connect at the same level.

And also agree we autistics tend to get very intense when it comes to something that we like and it can be overwhelming for NTs or people who aren't interested in the same degree as you.

 

[Aspychata]

I think we all are connected. However, l believe some of us end up with deep connections which can be surprising. Just be happy maybe to meet people perhaps?

 

[Mr. Stevens]

Often when I'm developing a connection with someone, if we get along I'll start getting way too attached almost immediately. People say things to me like, "I don't really know you that well," or "Let's see where this goes before we make any decisions," and it hurts my feelings because I feel like I've really connected at a meaningful level with some people. I get a feeling from them that I don't get from everyone else, so they become special to me.

I think this pushes people away, but I don't understand why they waste so much time "getting to know" me. It feels like they're just looking for reasons to reject me or things they don't like about me. I just want someone to give me the benefit of the doubt and take an interest me the same way I take an interest in them. I hate feeling like I need to sell myself to others and convince them to like me.

Any tips or personal stories you'd like to share? Thanks!

This has always been torture for me. Especially in my 20s and early 30s. I wish I had good advice, but in the past couple years I've just detached more. I'm not saying that's the answer, but I just realized I probably won't have the connections I want. Most people are looking for someone who listens to them, makes them feel at ease, and doesn't judge. They are not going to return that, though--at least in my experience. I find very few people are reciprocal in that way, and I try to think of the people in my life who are like that.

I hope you find a solution that works for you.

 

[Tom]

When I was younger if I liked someone I tried to hide it by coming close to ignorring them. It was somewhat a defense mechinism but also a strategy. I thought that showing too much interest too quick actually drives people away. Also, being illusive can increase someone's interest/curiousity. Throwing (harmless) things at them once in a while was also one of my romantic overtures. People don't want intense relationships and obligations right off the bat. They tend to prefer having fun.

 

[autism-and-autotune]

Often when I'm developing a connection with someone, if we get along I'll start getting way too attached almost immediately. People say things to me like, "I don't really know you that well," or "Let's see where this goes before we make any decisions," and it hurts my feelings because I feel like I've really connected at a meaningful level with some people. I get a feeling from them that I don't get from everyone else, so they become special to me.

I think this pushes people away, but I don't understand why they waste so much time "getting to know" me. It feels like they're just looking for reasons to reject me or things they don't like about me. I just want someone to give me the benefit of the doubt and take an interest me the same way I take an interest in them. I hate feeling like I need to sell myself to others and convince them to like me.

Any tips or personal stories you'd like to share? Thanks!

I can relate to you, but in my case I would always get attached very easily to girls. Especially in college or high school; if there was a girl who had similar interests as myself and I thought she was attractive, my mind just wouldn't shut up. Of course I never wanted anything to truly happen, as I was in a relationship, but still...why did my brain always do this?

 

[Hypnalis]

This isn't a simple question. As stated, it's probably unanswerable.

But something to think about: at your age (34?) potential friends are likely to be adults with a lot going on.
They've also learned about trust, usually the hard way.

They're well past the easily made and easily broken friendships of school and university days. Friendship requires time and energy, and people working on their career and/or their romantic relationships don't have a lot of that.

So there are two thresholds:
* Trust, which is addressed best by doing things together
* Time, which limits the opportunities to develop trust

Slow down.
Respect other people's priorities.

 

[paloftoon]

If other people don't reciprocate enough, look for other people and/or other activities and groups to enrich you. A good general rule might be only contact a person once every two weeks to schedule to do something if you aren't sure (unless they contact you first sometimes.) You can contact someone more often if they contact you at that rate. If they start to get annoyed, then just respond more slowly and look for other people to give your attention to more.

 

[Demon_Scientist_069420]

Often when I'm developing a connection with someone, if we get along I'll start getting way too attached almost immediately. People say things to me like, "I don't really know you that well," or "Let's see where this goes before we make any decisions," and it hurts my feelings because I feel like I've really connected at a meaningful level with some people. I get a feeling from them that I don't get from everyone else, so they become special to me.

I think this pushes people away, but I don't understand why they waste so much time "getting to know" me. It feels like they're just looking for reasons to reject me or things they don't like about me. I just want someone to give me the benefit of the doubt and take an interest me the same way I take an interest in them. I hate feeling like I need to sell myself to others and convince them to like me.

Any tips or personal stories you'd like to share? Thanks!

It feels like I think about them non-stop, but they forget I exist when we aren't together. I hate that feeling...

 

[Demon_Scientist_069420]

their priority list is different. Not everyone is looking to connect at the same level.

Thank you for this perspective. I try to be an empathetic person, and this was good insight.

 

[N2k12]

oh man, i used to be really bad for doing that. especially if a girl sat and talked to me, for more than a "hello" , acutally talked to me, i would feel i loved her. girls at my old church, would be nice to me and laugh and talk and hang out, i thought they "liked" me, and i would pursue a relationship, sometimes i would pursue it, even when they said they were not interested. i would feel upset, and felt like they were leading me on. this is before i got my autism diagnosis, since then, i have trained myself to "let her come to you, or make the first move". as i have no idea what people like me as a friend, and what people just want to use me, etc. my psychiatrist and psychologist, said its mind blindness

 

[selena]

Often when I'm developing a connection with someone, if we get along I'll start getting way too attached almost immediately. People say things to me like, "I don't really know you that well," or "Let's see where this goes before we make any decisions," and it hurts my feelings because I feel like I've really connected at a meaningful level with some people. I get a feeling from them that I don't get from everyone else, so they become special to me.

I think this pushes people away, but I don't understand why they waste so much time "getting to know" me. It feels like they're just looking for reasons to reject me or things they don't like about me. I just want someone to give me the benefit of the doubt and take an interest me the same way I take an interest in them. I hate feeling like I need to sell myself to others and convince them to like me.

Any tips or personal stories you'd like to share? Thanks!

It's not clear what you mean by getting attached and why they responded as if you'd asked them to move in with you. The context is non-romantic right? If so, try more casual phrasings like "If you're not doing anything next weekend, do you want to get lunch?" or "I'm planning on seeing this movie sometime. If you're interested, we could go together." (Me personally, I try to give them an option to say no, and I expect them to say no because I'm still afraid of rejections and like to mentally prepare myself for the worst). Do NOT invite them to your sister's wedding or to take a road trip to Las Vegas on your first try.

If texting or calling, especially in the early stages, you're allowed to double-text or double-call ONCE. Any more, and you risk coming on too strong. If they don't respond within two weeks or so, you're allowed to try one more time (if it were me, I would make it clear that I like them as a human being but it's okay if they don't feel the same way), and if there's still no response, you'll just have to let it go.

But otherwise, I think I get it. I've been reading first-date stories, and it's very strange to me the way some people can set up a date with someone, meet up, have a reasonably good time with that person, and the next day send a text basically saying (no matter how nicely worded), "I never want to see you again."