How do I talk to my 13 year old AS.... Help

[HisMom]

Hi all,

I'm looking for some insight on how to communicate with my son.

Some background:
He's 13 years old, in 7th grade, loves video games, and the friendships it brings.... There has been lots of change in his life lately: We are in a new state, new school (first public school since 3rd grade - and they are eating him alive). He has been diagnosed with learning disabilities with attention and executive functioning, he has ADD, dysgraphia (poor handwriting++); The school just implemented his new IEP. He has just above average IQ, but is below his grade level in most areas - except reading. He's been the target of bullies throughout school; this year he fought back and has been suspended twice. My heart bleeds for him.

Now that he has been tested again for his current IEP, I am convinced that he is likely an aspie, because his learning disabilities and ADD just doesn't account for his 'issues'. By issues, I mean he has a difficult time interacting with others. I am trying to get a referral to get him tested for Asperger's. Often I feel he most definitely has AS. Other times, I wonder if I'm making too much out of it -- since he's a new teenager, hormones are flaring, many changes, ..... I ask myself why am I the only one who sees it; why hasn't anyone recognized it. I'm sorry that I am rambling on and on; I have so many concerns, questions. However, I am so encouraged by this forum. After reading the threads written by other Aspies, I get a sense of comfort -- particularly with the level of self-awareness, self-acceptance. I hope this is the norm for most Aspies.

This year I seem to be pushing him away from me. He want's so desperately to 'fit' in at school and does not want to seem different in anyway. Now that I have an IEP in place for his ADD/Learning disabilities, he doesn't want any help for fear of rejection from his 'friends'. When he get's bullied, and I inquire, he says he doesn't want to tell me because I will interfere (he's right, I will go to asst principal - if he get's suspended a third time, he can be expelled); when I try to get him to do his homework, we fight. He keeps telling me "it's my life, my decisions"; that I am controlling (I probably am); Whenever I talk to him anymore, I am seen as interfering and controlling, and it deteriorates quickly. If I question or inquire for clarity, or ask if he had a good day at school, it goes down hill. In the passed, if he brought up a topic and I asked for clarity, he would just tell me to "forget it." As I type this, I wonder if I have ever been able to talk with him. As a mother, I was able to direct and provide for his needs and he would follow my lead... now that he is growing up and wanting to express himself as an individual, I'm afraid I don't know how to talk to/with him....

How can I talk to my son!? I hope the background hasn't clouded the water to answer my question; I tried to give a representation of where he is and his current pressures. if so, please ask for clarity.

Any insight or suggestions are welcome!

Thank you,
HisMom

 

[epath13]

I hope people can offer some suggestions, I know it's tough for you and your son. My kids are pretty small now so I can't really imagine how would you talk to a teenager. But I was quite a piece of work as a teenager myself even though I loved being different more than anything and my parents promoted that attitude. Plus if I was offered proper help for my issues I would take it and asked for more, I was only medicated nothing else. But I remember one thing - reasoning never worked for me, because I thought I was smarter than everyone else including my parents Generally I was a pretty good student but in the middle school I started sliding when the load increased. Intellectually I was above my peers but I couldn't process a large amount of information within a required period of time. My social skills were highly conditional, in addition to that I had to deal with lots of other stuff... anyway the only thing that worked for my parents was constant 24/7 supervision because apparently I couldn't do anything by myself. I hated it so I figured, I had to fix the issues to get my parents of my back. In the end everybody won But I do understand it definitely wouldn't work for everybody. I always had this confidence that I could do anything no matter how slow my brain was.
Do you tell your son that it's ok, or even great to be different? even though... he might not listen now... but you know, sometimes you have to repeat to a person that he or she special, no average, can go above and beyond, and on and on even if they don't want to hear it, eventually it might set it, because it is true for everyone no matter how intelligent or cool they think or don't think they are.
I've just watched this movie on TV, "a smile bigger than the moon", some people might say, yeah well, it's one of those teary disabled movies, but I wish there're more movies like that, because it is inspiring and it is true.

anyway, I have a contact person from a local Autism organization, she's got a son with AS, he's 10 though but still, she might be able to advise something, maybe some books as well. I'll let you know

good luck

 

[Spinning Compass]

Aspergers and hormones, what a combination. The teenage years are difficult enough without adding on to it. Today one of my co-workers whose son has Aspergers told me he was feeling pretty discouraged, The kid's a senior in high school yet his grades are abysmal. He won't study, he gets angry if anyone says anything to him about it. His parents are at their wits' end because they just don't know what to do.

I'm not surprised that nobody has brought up the possibility of Aspergers. I mean I had many classic symptoms when I was growing up and nobody brought up that possibility either. And we lived in a community known for its excellent mental health services. I can only imagine what it is like in areas that don't have that.

Teenagers are such difficult people because we just don't fit in anywhere. We're too old for some things and not old enough for others. We're not children yet we aren't adults either. And we can't understand why on one hand our parents want us to grow up and be independent, yet when we start developing our own sense of individuality they just don't understand us. They tell us how to live but they don't live in the environment we live in. They don't understand it's a different world out there. Does this sound familiar?

I don't know how you talk to your son, but I know how I would have liked to have been treated when I was that age. I wish my parents would have dropped their "power trip" and really tried to listen. I wish instead of telling me to do this or do that they would have taken time to find out more about me and what I wanted. I wish they would have understood what it was like to be different from everyone else, and instead of telling me that this was a good thing, to find out WHY it really wasn't such a good thing. They were well-meaning, but . . . Sometimes I wondered, are we really on the same planet?

It could be that your son, and my friend's son, doesn't want to study because they don't see the worth in what they are studying. And you know what? This may sound like heresy, but they are probably right. If they can't see how they can apply it to their lives right now, or even how it will get them a job right now, no, they aren't going to be motivated. How much of what you learned in high school do you now remember and use? That's the problem. Kids don't feel respected. I've heard people say that school is basically a holding tank to keep kids off the street because there's nothing else for them. That's how teenagers feel. Of course you and I know better, that you can't go anywhere for long without a decent education, but the kids don't see it.

 

[HisMom]

Hi Spinning Compass and Epath13,

thank you so very much for taking the time to offer your thoughtful suggestions. Very good suggestions indeed.

@Spinning Compass, I am guilty of 'telling' him, rather than listening more. He doesn't share often, but when he does decide, I will remember to listen rather than "pumping" for more information [in my attempt to understand and help].

Your thoughts about school aren't as far away from as you may think. My own experiences with public schools have not been a great success. I went to private school from first to third grade. When my younger sibling started school, mom couldn't afford two in private so I attended public from fourth grade on. I didn't learn anything new until the 7th grade! Total waste of my time. Public school has my son (or anyone's child) for over seven hours a day, and they have the need to give homework. If public schools cannot teach a child to read and write and math in that amount of time something is wrong. The American education system is a mess. An experiment on our children. If I could afford a private school I would move him immediately. If I could home school him, I would. An effort that seems insurmountable. Sorry for the rant. the public education system has been a thorn in my side since my experience in elementary school. I knew at that young age it was a misuse of my time, and I haven't changed my opinion over 40 years later! I did however go on to acquire a masters degree.

@Epath13, I'm not sure if your approach would work for us right now -- although I am certainly a natural at controlling his environment due to my controlling nature. My instinct tells me it's not the right approach for him right now. I did get the approval to have him tested for AS, but it'll probably take a month or so. I am very excited. I don't tell him how special he is enough. I do tell him but not enough. I will remember to do it more often. Even if for no reason. I will take your advice and remind him that it is okay to be different. He is like you were in that he thinks he has all the answers -- because his 'teenager' friends say so! [between you and me I don't think they are really friends -- but he calls them his friends].

Often he gets so depressed whenever we discuss his ADD or learning disabilities that I avoid talking to him about it. I am extremely concerned about his mental health when we go in for AS testing. I am not sure how to tell him! He takes prozac generic for depression/anxiety and this will set him back. His self-esteem is very low and always has been. 'what's wrong with me, why doesn't anyone like me, do you love me or are you just saying that?' are common comments from him. I just wish I could help him more. He is now in counseling - started about a month ago -- maybe it will help.

I keep ranting it seems. You both have helped tremendously. I will remind him that he is different and it is terrific, and I will look for every opportunity to LISTEN.

Thank you ever so much again for your thoughtful comments.

Your's Truly,
HisMom

 

[epath13]

I've talked to my contact person and if you need any more help, she will be willing to see how she can assist you. She just asked if you could identify one particular issue that worry you the most, if it is communication, his self-esteem or maybe you can somehow specify the problem a little more yourself. So basically, if you will still be struggling you can post you concerns here or send me a message, whatever you prefer, and I'll get back to you with more suggestions. The woman I'm talking about is a wonderful person, have several degrees in child development and have experience dealing with difficult situations Just please don't feel obligated to ask for assistance if you don't need one, but if you do - help is available