How do me and my very attached boyfriend make it work?

[sararini]

My boyfriend of nearly 10 months has aspergers. I love him to death, but he's very clingy, he wants me to spend all my time with him. He doesn't like to be alone, due to depression, PTSD, and other issues. And it's hard for me to understand and explain, but the way he explained it is...he doesn't just love me, he's in love with me, which is very intense and serious for him, and to him that means that we should spend all our time together, because without the other, everything is....unpleasant. Like you feel empty when the person you're in love with isn't around.

I don't agree with that. I feel like it's very important to be okay with being alone, I feel like your happiness can't depend on another person. He thinks I'm not in love with him, because I don't want to be around him 24/7, but I'm used to being alone, I need time on my own at least every once in a while...we live in apartments that are literally right next to each other, and since we've started dating I've spent nearly every night at his house. It's rare for me to spend a night in my own home.

My own, individual life is getting neglected because of his constant need to be together. There are things I like to do that I can't do around him, because he wants my focus to be on him. I want to be an artist, but I barely have the chance to study or practice anymore. I want to go visit my dad, who I haven't seen since I was a kid, but I'd be gone for a month straight, I don't know how my boyfriend would handle that.

How do we fix this? I feel bad for leaving him alone, but I feel like this isn't fair to me. I feel like I'm losing my individuality.

 

[Bolletje]

I think it’s important that you set clear boundaries for your alone time. Explain to your boyfriend why you need this time.

 

[Fino]

He sounds just like me!

Is he in therapy?

Don't sacrifice yourself for him. You'll start to resent him. Only see him with a frequency you're comfortable with.

Just make sure to explain very clearly it doesn't mean you hate him or don't love him and that you will see him again, but you have to.. blahblah and stuff, whatever it is.

Right now, he's using you to fill himself. It's not safe. The sooner it's dealt with, likely slowly and delicately, the better.

When I did this, it ended with a suicide attempt, but you sound better than the person I did it to, which is lucky for your boyfriend.

Clear communication and clear, consistent boundaries are what's important, I believe.

 

[Tom]

He sounds immature, which isn't all that unusual for young people. Aspies in particular can be on a longer learning curve for many things in life. Being firm and consistent will go a long way in making improvements. Hear each other out on issues and if one does not sway the other make the best compromise you can.

Your needing private time and time to see to your own life is not unreasonable. It is a little unusual that he wants to spend all time together as Aspies in general need a lot of private time. Often its just to recharge and detox from having to be something we are not naturely.

 

[SunnyDay16]

You have to set boundaries. You're right that a couple being together all the time isn't healthy nor is unloading your problems onto your partner. It's healthy to have time apart from your partner and have a life separate from them.

You'll have to tell him frankly and clearly that you need time apart from him sometimes. That you feel suffocated by his clinginess. And, honestly, it seems to me he needs some therapy for his PTSD and depression. If his issues are that severe that he can't stand not being around you 24/7, then it has to be addressed by a professional.

You could say, "I love you, but I feel overwhelmed by you needing to be around me all the time. I want to spend have some alone time so I can do things for myself."

He might get defensive or feel offended, but boundaries are essential to any relationship.

 

[LogicalMind]

Give him a schedule of set times he can't be with you. We love schedules. Explain to him, if you don't seperate yourself with him for times on this schedule, it will destroy you... We love schedules

 

[Fino]

Give him a schedule of set times he can't be with you. We love schedules. Explain to him, if you don't seperate yourself with him for times on this schedule, it will destroy you... We love schedules

That would be great, in my opinion! It would also give him something to look forward to when not with you, rather than anxious wondering when he'll see you next.

 

[Fino]

And, if his similarity to me continues, then framing things in reference to how it will benefit you would work. That might sound selfish, but if his obsessive love is the same as mine was, then anything that pleases you would please him, so saying, "I would be happier if..." or "It would make things easier for me if..."

But you probably know better whether or not that's a good idea in this case.

 

[Onna]

My boyfriend of nearly 10 months has aspergers. I love him to death, but he's very clingy, he wants me to spend all my time with him. He doesn't like to be alone, due to depression, PTSD, and other issues. And it's hard for me to understand and explain, but the way he explained it is...he doesn't just love me, he's in love with me, which is very intense and serious for him, and to him that means that we should spend all our time together, because without the other, everything is....unpleasant. Like you feel empty when the person you're in love with isn't around.

I don't agree with that. I feel like it's very important to be okay with being alone, I feel like your happiness can't depend on another person. He thinks I'm not in love with him, because I don't want to be around him 24/7, but I'm used to being alone, I need time on my own at least every once in a while...we live in apartments that are literally right next to each other, and since we've started dating I've spent nearly every night at his house. It's rare for me to spend a night in my own home.

My own, individual life is getting neglected because of his constant need to be together. There are things I like to do that I can't do around him, because he wants my focus to be on him. I want to be an artist, but I barely have the chance to study or practice anymore. I want to go visit my dad, who I haven't seen since I was a kid, but I'd be gone for a month straight, I don't know how my boyfriend would handle that.

How do we fix this? I feel bad for leaving him alone, but I feel like this isn't fair to me. I feel like I'm losing my individuality.

I think you’d have to explain to him how important it is for him to live his own life. Explain to him logically that he can be in love with someone, but also still be his independent self, and focus on things he likes to do individually. If you explain the pros of this too, such as that its likely to lead to a healthier and more successful relationship, as this may help give him motivation.
I used to be clingy. I soon realised it wasn’t healthy for my relationships, or for myself for that matter. Maybe you could find an article online about healthy relationships and ask him to read it and learn it.

 

[Bronzelincolns]

when you talked to your BF about this. what did he say?

 

[Cogitatio]

Routine Routine Routine. I agree with the earlier posts. You have to have time for yourself or your relationship will tank. Set out a routine so that he knows when he will see you and when he wont. If he can't accept this it will be very hard on you.