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How do people cope with not feeling (as in alexithymia)?

A

Alexej

Well-Known Member
V.I.P Member
I heard somebody say recently say that they feel their partner's love again (after they have had a rough patch).

It made me ask if I have known my wife's love and how I have felt that. To say that I have felt "in love" such as one sees on TV is not my experience, not that I take TV as an accurate reference point. How do I know how people feel towards me?
 
Is your question the one in the title or the one in your post? Or both?

1. People with alexithymia do feel. Everybody feels.
2. They may tell you, otherwise you guess based on their actions.
 
Alexej said:
I heard somebody say recently say that they feel their partner's love again (after they have had a rough patch).

It made me ask if I have known my wife's love and how I have felt that. To say that I have felt "in love" such as one sees on TV is not my experience, not that I take TV as an accurate reference point. How do I know how people feel towards me?
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Forgive me if my logic is impaired, I don't know much about Alexithymia, but it seems odd that Alexithymia would happen due to a "rough patch." It seems to me they fell out of love or something. But maybe you did not associate this person with Alexithymia, it just sparked that question in your mind.

My friend with Alexithymia tells me it is constant, as in, all the time you have the issues. For my friend it is a belated feeling, hours away, in the moment it's not present, but later those feelings are felt, eg. cuddly which makes him go to his wife and cuddle 2 hrs after they probably already did or bonded.
 
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I don't "feel" love (or any other emotion, for that matter) in the same way or time as others.. I "know" I love my wife.. This is based on perhaps more logical factors than most people would use. I know I don't want to see her get hurt. I know I trust her implicitly. I know I wouldn't want to live without her. Therefore, love.

As for how I actually feel, that's sort of separate. I feel happy doing things with her, but I won't necessarily feel happy in the moment, I might feel happy hours/days later.. It's like the emotion doesn't process in real time, but stews for a while before showing up.. So I do also know she makes me happy, but I don't necessarily feel that in time with things people would normally associate emotions with..

Don't know if that sounds familiar to you or not @Alexej.. But if so, I guess.. What is your question exactly?

How do you know how others feel? If you're not terribly empathetic, like me, then as @Fino said, by observing their expressions and body language, and listening to the words they use. And guessing or deducing based on that.
 
I experience the delay in processing that you seem to be referring to here. Emotions not felt or processed enough to be defined until a while later. The next day or so. How do I feel? I'll tell you tomorrow...

What is love, you also seem to be asking? I believe that's quite an individual experience, despite the stereotypes often portrayed. I like the description that I ve quoted here before, that it's the only benign psychosis...
 
Alexej said:
@Fino I suppose both, I am not able to identify and name the feelings so I struggle to understand this aspect of what is going on around me.
Click to expand...

I struggle with that too. I practice naming them whenever it comes to mind to do that, and sometimes I describe what I'm feeling to a friend who guesses, which surprisingly often brings clarity.
 
Maybe we can loosen up the definition of love a little. Love isn't exactly the same to everyone, we all hold different meanings of what this means to each of us personally. Maybe it helps to look to see what your definition of love truly means to you. So we all here may feel love differently for many different reasons and that's okay too. There is no magic checklist, okay do you feel this, do you feel this, okay do you feel this, and this? Lòve is kind of undefinable, intangible, fluid like mercury. Maybe that is where the confusion lies.
 
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The feeling of love is like the buzz you get from learning new things about a special interest. Its a happy feeling of really liking being with a person.

I can't think of any tv tropes, but I've not really felt isolated from those tv notions.

I had a confusing relationship with someone I suspect experiences alexythimia. He just did not know how he felt about me. I knew how I felt about him. To me it's easy to know when you really want to be with someone, that you are also sexually attracted to them and you are happy around them.

I'm not the only woman he's had these issues with. I don't quite understand how one doesn't know when they enjoy someone more than other people and they have sexual desires about them or if they don't.

When someone loves you their face and voice soften.
 
I still feel everybody has a different definition of love. We react and respond differently because of our own parents, past relationships, trauma, media, society. Love can be spontaneous, or it can sneak up on you, and there is even being in love with love itself to a certain select group of people.
 
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