Heya, Drake. I just wanted to say that I feel your pain. I usually don't get so detailed on this subject since it's pretty touchy for me and I only get deep into it with someone I'm close to, but I feel inclined to help you out. After all, a lot of us deal with loneliness and I'd hate to pass someone up who might benefit from what I may be able to tell them. (Warning: This is pretty lengthy)
Anyways, I've dealt with loneliness for practically my entire life, from childhood to present day. Since I didn't know I had AS throughout my years in school, I just thought I was generally hated by all. Even my family members (more notably my siblings). It was worse around Middle/High School for me, for that's when I became more aware of the fact that I wanted someone close. There were times where I did actually make some friends, but it wasn't long-term after I moved on to high school. I'm also known as a shy and overly-quiet individual...sometimes to the point where people don't even know I'm there...hence sometimes being nicknamed a "Ninja" or more hurtfully, "Serial Killer". Little did people know (and myself in a sense) that I was just terrible with social interactions and I just couldn't work up the nerve to talk to people regularly. Even to this day, I still can't start a conversation worth crap (unless it's involving a topic I can effortlessly spawn out of nowhere). But onto the point, I always used to sit alone or hang by myself.
Since I'm generally a lone wolf, having alone time and hanging with myself isn't a bad thing. If anything, I really enjoy solitude. But then over the years, I realized that while alone felt nice, it really wounded my heart in the process. And if you're like me, sometimes pride gets in the way when you really want to seek help or find someone who genuinely likes or takes interest in you and wants to talk and spend time with you without YOU always wanting to be the person wanting to do things. I don't like to expose my sensitivity to others since I've constantly been surrounded by people who view "feelings" as a weakness. Because of my "feelings", I was targeted for bullying throughout elementary through about half of high school. But once I learned to steel myself, that problem halted Junior and Senior year. But people view me as emotionless or scary because of my facial expressions. Sometimes I could look angry and sometimes dull or bored. And because of the way I present myself, people fear or shy away from me thinking I'll slit their throat or something. This isn't intentional, but I naturally look like this...and no one knows my true feelings, unable to realize that I truly have a deep scar on the heart that may possibly never mend alone.
Over the past year, it became worse than ever...however, a miracle came completely out of nowhere. While some people tend to be defensive about online friendships, it really depends on the person you run into. Anyway, I met this friend on a forum and we started off just only knowing each other. But once we got to talk outside the site, I began to stick very close to her as if she was someone I interacted with in person. She's the nicest person I've ever met, really. Just as I was about to give up hope, a trustworthy person came into my life. At first, I was pretty evasive around her because of developed mistrust towards people in generally. But over time, I found myself opening up the more she made it apparent she valued my friendship. The fact that it took me so long to realize this made me want to punch myself in the gut so bad. She's been way too supportive to me...much more than my own family members have. And while we are apart by distance, the fact that we trust each other stomps on that downside. True friends aren't made based on how close you both are physically, moreso on how close your hearts are. And while translating text into true feelings is quite a challenge, you have that tingly feeling in your heart when you know something's true. The more we became close, the more I began to be attached to another one of her friends as well. I cherish them both dearly. I still do have a close friend locally that I've recently reconnected with, but I can't talk to him on a daily basis. We're still pretty great pals and we sometimes meet to play video games when the opportunity rises. I've got three great and reliable friends, and that's all I need.
You see, people these days generally do not know how to try and understand you more when a friendship is formed, hence not finding the need not to become too attached to you. But when the right person gets a hold of you, they'll know how to treat you and your feelings...and over time (since they're so determined to keep talking with you), you'll know how talk and treat them as well. They'll want to know more about you, want to spend time with you and you'll be able to genuinely feel it.
So my advice to you, Drake, is to NEVER give up! Don't ever stop on finding someone who will love and care for you. There will always be at least one person in the world that will come into your life, whether you find them or they find you. Whether it's in person or online too! Perseverance can push you through this, my friend. I know it really hurts right now and sadly, there is no guarantee you'll find the right person (or people!) immediately...however, if you give up, then you'll end up falling into a bottomless pit of darkness that you can't climb back out. Before you could fall that deep, the hand of your true friend can pull you out. I had to sit in the center of that dark place for so many years...to the point where I graduated from high school almost four years ago and fell even deeper. I find myself being pulled out of that lonely space further day by day with the help of the friends that are currently in my life, trying not to look back until I can finally feel free of loneliness. I believe you can do the same thing. If I could recover from it, anyone can. I'm not saying I'm 100% free of thoughts of loneliness, but because of sticking it through and never giving in, light finally shed. Think of dealing with your pain as an obstacle you're forced to overcome. You've got to keep on pushing through, man. Not only for your sake alone, but for the future you could possibly have with others who will likely come to you sooner or later.
Don't ever give up the battle, man. Push on through and you'll be all right. =)
