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How do you deal with crushes?

C

Christy

Well-Known Member
V.I.P Member
Hi,

I was wondering if you'd share how you deal with crushes? I think it's hard at the best of times, but being autistic or an aspie can make it really hard to know what is acceptable behaviour. So please share your experiences or wisdom for the benefit of others.
 
I'll start.

Being quite quiet and reserved by nature, I tend to withdraw and keep quiet until it passes, because it always does with time. I also find getting to know the person pops the bubble I terms of all the things I've imagined the person to be. I feel embarrassed with the emotions as I don't know how to behave or how to channel these feelings. I also blush very easily and noticeably.

This is probably not helpful regarding tidbits of wisdom, but it's how I manage it.
 
When I have a crush on them, I approach them a lot, give them compliments, etc. I pretty much act just as if a NT with a crush would. If they don't reciprocate the affection, I quit and move on. However, if they seem to like me back, I will continue flirting until they make a move. The main problem I have in a relationship, is that I will almost never make any of the moves. I don't ask for their number unless they ask for mine, I don't invite them to hang out as I figure that if they want to they will ask, etc. However, I'm a really sexual person, so the one move I will make is the first kiss lol.
 
That's a good question! I guess it's a lot in the eyes... eye contact. If I'm infatuated with someone, I think my eyes will do the job of letting them know - at least vaguely or on a subconscious level whilst our eyes are interlocked.

Never really thought about this before, good one Christy
 
Funny to look back long before I even knew I was neurologically different. For this Aspie, even at a young age my logical mind would first (and often last) instantly assess the feasibility of hooking up with my crush.

If there was no chance I just smiled to myself, and walked away. Kind of like seeing a Lamborghini up close. ;)
 
Judge said:
Funny to look back long before I even knew I was neurologically different. For this Aspie, even at a young age my logical mind would first (and often last) instantly assess the feasibility of hooking up with my crush.

If there was no chance I just smiled to myself, and walked away. Kind of like seeing a Lamborghini up close. ;)
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I'm like that as well...

But then I also add an in-depth analysis on why I like this person, what this person can add to my life and things like that. If that actually adds up I usually tend to move "in for the kill". I guess it might sound a bit predatory, heh.

But I'm perfectly capable of not getting hung over on an impossible crush that I have this craving to daydream about it where it actually becomes an issue. And if it's within reach, why should I keep postponing and teasing myself. Either go for it or don't... but if I don't, I'll just get over it and move on.

As for the entire social protocol that goes with it. I've never been told I acted weirder or anything, so I guess I'm one of those people who just acts like himself without caring too much what others think (much like I do on a daily basis). If people can't deal with me and think I'm inappropriate, I don't think it's meant to be. I'll probably have too many quirks in me that will upset or annoy that potential partner anyway... and I don't want to walk on my toes proverbially speaking
 
I think time is the most important thing. With the passage of time, and the changes in life that occur over several years, A. some crushes may evolve into true love and friendship, B.others may simply wither, proven with time to have been of shallow substance.
 
I have the problem if it's the other way around, I can never believe it and just assume it's a joke. This may well have happened in the past. I never quite figure out the difference between play sarcasm or if it's genuine.

Christy said:
Hi,

I was wondering if you'd share how you deal with crushes? I think it's hard at the best of times, but being autistic or an aspie can make it really hard to know what is acceptable behaviour. So please share your experiences or wisdom for the benefit of others.
Click to expand...
 
Haha, pretty awful. Ive gotten a bit better but it has always been a bit comical. Like in HS I liked this girl named Becca, I was moving away and my cousin managed to convince me that she liked me too. So the whole time I tried to get some time alone with her. And I should note that the party was at this girl Ally's pond. Aaron, who I was sorta friends with was off by himself trying to fish, and Becca went to check on him. I got this wild idea in my head, that I could sneak up behind roll Aaron down the hill into the pond, and because it was getting dark no one would be the wise. Needless to say it didnt work, I thought it was fairly obvious I liked her but I dont know if she ever knew. I see her from time to time and talk to her a bit more often and wonder if I should ever bring it up.

Another time I thought this girl Sam liked me, but our mutual friend told me she didnt, absolutely didnt. So somehow I said something about it and ended up being really insulting, it turns out she did and eventually the mess got sorted and we dated a bit. But it really was a stumbling into a relationship, not in the least bit graceful.

The girl I dated for 2.5 years was an even bigger mess. She knew I liked her but she liked this other guy, so naturally we didnt get along. Once he was man handling my friend Vera thinking he was funny, so I stepped in and he went bat ****, saying I touched his acne ridden shoulders, which I didnt. So I heard about that forever. Another time he decided it would be funny to slap me, you never slap a man, especially one who doesnt slap very often. So I slapped him back and I guess I didnt use enough of the wrist, so he was crying about how I hurt his eye, and I got an earfull from my ex about how he was going to lose his beautiful eye. It was a long time between me telling her I liked her and us getting together, which ended up being a whole other mess, a helluva (emphasis on hell, living hell) of a mess. But yea that was an awkward courtship if there ever was one.

Now there are two girls who I dont know if they like me, and I kinda like the two of them. The one I abused a lot, chasing her around with me nerf guns (I am a mature seminarian) and she takes it like a champ. Some people seem bound and determined to get us together, but I cant read her well enough. And the other I abuse a bit too be honest. She does not take it as well, but I feel like there is something there. Either way for both of them, I really just stumble around and hope for the best. It makes for good stories if nothing else. Hope you at least got a laugh out of my failures.
 
Drake Marino, You may never get that first kiss from an Aspie girl then, cause I'm pretty sure they aren't going to ask for your phone number or to hang out. Speaking from my own experience, I'd most likely ask out a shy guy (I have), but if someone was actually flirting a lot with me, I would be assuming they are forward enough to ask me out (otherwise they must not be that interested and that is just their personality). I'm just going to throw this in (this is just the way I think in general), if a guy is overly flirtatious I tend to be turned off because I'm thinking this must be how he is with all girls. That's just me.
 
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nurseangela said:
Drake Marino, You may never get that first kiss from an Aspie girl then, cause I'm pretty sure they aren't going to ask for your phone number or to hang out. Speaking from my own experience, I'd most likely ask out a shy guy (I have), but if someone was actually flirting a lot with me, I would be assuming they are forward enough to ask me out (otherwise they must not be that interested and that is just their personality). I'm just going to throw this in (this is just the way I think in general), if a guy is overly flirtatious I tend to be turned off because I'm thinking this must be how he is with all girls. That's just me.
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Agreed--guys need to get comfortable with making the first move. NT or Aspie--girls typically won't make the first move. Being man enough to risk rejection is the kind of thing they like. Not being man enough to go after what you want--huge turn-off!

I also agree that there's two ways to read not making a move--either the guy's not really into you and just flirts with anyone and it doesn't mean anything, or the guy doesn't have what it takes. Either way--dead end!

nurseangela--I love that you've asked out a shy guy! That takes more guts than most women have.
 
The biggest advice I can give is be yourself, and if the other person isn't interested or doesn't make a move when you have made it clear you would like to proceed...move on and use your time elsewhere. I always feel sad when someone wastes their time on a crush who has no intention of taking it further. There is always someone out there for you, but you need to be available to find them!
 
Badly, in my experience! I have never managed it well - I must have really annoyed some guys in the past, I used to obsessively text and message them every day even if they didn't reply and have always had a very (embarrassingly) child-like approach to crushes. I used to talk to this one guy at school and on the bus a lot, then had long IM conversations in the evening. One day he stopped talking to me and I didn't hear from him, so I texted him every day letting him know what I was up to and that I hoped he was okay because I hadn't heard from him. Turned out he went abroad on holiday and must have come home to at least 30 unread messages from me, which I now understand must have been a bit worrying! Doesn't help that it's impossible for me to read others' feelings towards me, so I've no idea if anyone's ever had a crush on me asides from those who have directly asked me out.

It can take a while to learn how to manage feelings towards them if those feelings are particularly strong, but I've learned to give them space and also remember there are lots of other brilliant people around as well as other wonderful things about to focus my energy on, and never to get too hung up on a crush over one person because it's never worth it!
 
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I usually dont have crushes..okay abit off topic but still on topic. I was in college sitting down to eat some grub and I did what i normally do which is just..scan,terrible wording but eh, all the people sitting in the room funnily enough this one girl thought something of it and decided to sit down next to me(mind i hadnt really talked to anyone in almost 5 years back then) needless to say it was awkward beyond ..well just plain awkward lol
 
grapesicles said:
Badly, in my experience! I have never managed it well - I must have really annoyed some guys in the past, I used to obsessively text and message them every day even if they didn't reply and have always had a very (embarrassingly) child-like approach to crushes. I used to talk to this one guy at school and on the bus a lot, then had long IM conversations in the evening. One day he stopped talking to me and I didn't hear from him, so I texted him every day letting him know what I was up to and that I hoped he was okay because I hadn't heard from him. Turned out he went abroad on holiday and must have come home to at least 30 unread messages from me, which I now understand must have been a bit worrying! Doesn't help that it's impossible for me to read others' feelings towards me, so I've no idea if anyone's ever had a crush on me asides from those who have directly asked me out.

It can take a while to learn how to manage feelings towards them if those feelings are particularly strong, but I've learned to give them space and also remember there are lots of other brilliant people around as well as other wonderful things about to focus my energy on, and never to get too hung up on a crush over one person because it's never worth it!
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This is essentially exactly how I handle crushes. Thankfully, the recipients seemed to enjoy the attention, but I would have no idea whether it was reciprocated unless told.
 
Sigh. Well I usually just treat them like friends. I try to get to get to know them because honestly I would rather be their friend then date them even though I am attracted to the crush. I would rather them always be in my life than risk them going away because of a relationship. Besides its hard enough to maintain friendships.
 
I seem to only fall for narcissistic psychopaths anyway, so I can't answer "well". (As the last one said: "show me a psychopath who is not a narcissist.")

In any case, I am really accepting, so it's really hard to disillusion me. That, or I actually see through people in a way most people don't, so I don't really fool myself about who someone truly is. Those two theories are about equally compatible with the evidence.

Haven't handled any two crushes in exactly the same way. All my crushes have been different people, so it wouldn't have made sense to treat them the same way. I like to think I've matured somewhat in my approach since I was nineteen.
 
All my crushes ended really badly. Either I totally misunderstood them, timing was not right, or they were not available. What was worse was how I handled them. It took me years to finally be finished with my first crush at a community college I attended. But inevitably, those crushes fell by the waste side when I met my girlfriend. I still wonder how they are doing, but glad that things turned out the way it did in the end. :)
 
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