How do you deal with shame and regret?

[UpAllNightReading]

Over the course of my 40-plus years I've learned a lot of social skills, but every once in a while I say something that just falls flat, or is unintentionally hurtful. I often only recognize that it's so because they're angry with me. And even after things are patched up between us, I'm left feeling this deep, deep sense of shame and regret, which often begins with feeling simply disturbed about something. Even after thinking back on recent things I've said and done, I'm often left wondering why I feel disturbed.

Shame and regret seem like my most familiar feelings. My wife always said I was the most guilt-ridden person she's known, but I don't think it's guilt. I think it's a sense of shame. It really sucks.

Does this sound familiar to anyone?

 

[AsheSkyler]

'Tis a rather pesky pair of emotions. I lost my sense of guilt years ago from entirely too many guilt-trips from a rather manipulative and controlling person. The shame hasn't gone away yet. It either became roommates with the intrusive thought OCD or the echolalia, because now certain incidents just play over and over until I can chase them off or drown them out.

 

[garnetflower13]

I am still haunted be certain events, persons or incidents in which due to my autism, I reacted or didn't react as I should have, resulting in corrosive guilt and shame that still haunts me. i wish I knew how to turn it off because at this stage they serve no earthly purpose. Maybe CBT can help? Sometimes, I say phrases to myself, such as "Well, that was so long ago it hardly matters now," or "I didn't know any better but now I do." Sometimes these phrases help, but just a little.

 

[Alex Dame]

Believe me, it DOES sound familiar. Things in my past, things that I've seen and/or done haunt me for reasons I don't really understand. There are a number of reasons I feel ashamed at times, and not all of them have always made sense. Some things still don't make sense. As for the way I deal with shame and regret, well, the short answer is probably not the right way. Not the healthy, soul-bearing way that people like Mom and my therapist want me to deal with it. Over the years, I've had to learn to mask and even deny my own feelings to a certain extent. I'm really, really bad at pushing down anger, but feelings of regret tend to be easier to control. I try to concentrate on whatever I'm doing, and tell myself that people don't want to hear about what's eating you. Unfortunately, this has the very negative side-effect of possibly disrupting my work and/or making me angry enough to be unpleasant to those around me. What I do is just try and focus on something else and hope that, after a while, I forget any feelings of regret or shame. I'm not saying it's the RIGHT way to handle the situation, but a lot of times, it works for me.

 

[Larisa]

I think it's a great topic for discussion.
I was guilt- and shame-ridden for the most of my life - blaming myself for hurting people, for not guessing things that might hurt them, for not understanding connections among people and their emotions and feelings.
I worked with my psychologist who said about 'responsibility for one's own feeling' as a norm. Gradually I started to realize that I really don't have to be telepathic and obliged to forecast people's reactions. My own responsibility is for my words, my actions and my reactions to outer world. And sometimes my reaction to withdraw is absolutely normal because the person does hurt me on purpose.
I realized that in the core of my shame and guilt lurked my confusion about what's going on around me and my doubts about my place in the world comparing with other people (I felt shame for the very fact of my living when I considered myself inferior and not wanted ('the odd man out')).
As soon as I found my place and my right to be myself, to feel and form my own perception of the world based on my observations, feelings, analyze and considering - I calmed down a lot.
Not completely, that's true. But now I feel much more interest to live, to see around, to use my own mind, to feel from my personality core rather than to fit in traditions and customs I don't understand and to lay myself out to please people who do not like me or respect me being myself.

 

[Larisa]

I am still haunted be certain events, persons or incidents in which due to my autism, I reacted or didn't react as I should have, resulting in corrosive guilt and shame that still haunts me. i wish I knew how to turn it off because at this stage they serve no earthly purpose. Maybe CBT can help? Sometimes, I say phrases to myself, such as "Well, that was so long ago it hardly matters now," or "I didn't know any better but now I do." Sometimes these phrases help, but just a little.

I have this sort of memories as well. They sometimes bring me real anguish and blame of myself to be inadequate.
I noticed that in these episodes (in the past) I felt myself fully resposible for everything and I had a conviction that I could be able to do everything right and to prevent the certain hurtful outcome.
In my work with the psychologist I started to learn that in the relationship with a person - I really can do nothing on my own but leave. And in case of someone dying (I still suffer the death of my cat) - I had no real power at all to stop that.
That's a strange thought - that things occur whenever I want them or not - but I found it very liberating (to balance my inborn hyper-resposibility for everything happening around me).

 

[Mia]

that things occur whenever I want them or not - but I found it very liberating (to balance my inborn hyper-resposibility for everything happening around me).

Thank you for that Larisa, it's something I've felt as well. And it's an incredibly mature response in perspective.

 

[Larisa]

Thank you for that Larisa, it's something I've felt as well. And it's an incredibly mature response in perspective.

Thank you, Mia. It's very important for me to get a response to my afforts to formulate the essense of the problem out of my perception.