How do you know if you love someone?

[Christophe]

I'm sure this has been asked before and if so I'm sorry, I couldn't find it.

I'm asking because I'm married and have a young daughter. I feel comfortable around them (somewhat... More than with others I should say) but I'm trying to identify what it is that I should be feeling towards them. I'm under the impression that I'm missing out on something.
I mean, sometimes I look at my wife while she is watching my daughter and her face changes and she makes awe sounds and tears fill her eyes. I don't know, I know I'm a guy and I probably shouldn't expect the tears but should I be feeling some of those feelings when I look at my daughter?

Another example is when my daughter falls down and hurts herself, (nothing life threatening)... My wife runs to her, I... Feel nothing. Should I? It seems that the only thing I feel is bad that I don't feel anything.

Am I a bad father, is anyone else like this?

Thanks

 

[Moviefan2k4]

I asked my Mom this question, when I was 20 years old and starting to feel a very strong bond with a woman I'd only known a couple of weeks. Mom told me her best definition of it was "the point where someone else's needs become more important to you than your own". I think that still holds, though it can be easily abused when taken too literally...as I sadly did.

 

[royinpink]

I'm sure this has been asked before and if so I'm sorry, I couldn't find it.

I'm asking because I'm married and have a young daughter. I feel comfortable around them (somewhat... More than with others I should say) but I'm trying to identify what it is that I should be feeling towards them. I'm under the impression that I'm missing out on something.
I mean, sometimes I look at my wife while she is watching my daughter and her face changes and she makes awe sounds and tears fill her eyes. I don't know, I know I'm a guy and I probably shouldn't expect the tears but should I be feeling some of those feelings when I look at my daughter?

Another example is when my daughter falls down and hurts herself, (nothing life threatening)... My wife runs to her, I... Feel nothing. Should I? It seems that the only thing I feel is bad that I don't feel anything.

Am I a bad father, is anyone else like this?

Thanks

Hm...I have come up with all sorts of ways to deal with/understand emotions but I don't know if they will work for you, or if I can even explain.

One is really sorting through different types of affection (although I think, despite my best efforts, I still have a hard time separating them)...like, maybe you've heard how the Ancient Greeks had 3 or 4 words for love? It's sort of like that. That way I can see if I am clinging to someone because I am insecure, or if I am physically attracted to them, or obsessed with them, or devoted to them, etc etc. And then I try to work out whether it's selfish or not (among other things). I have done this since I was very young. I remember when I was little, I had a chant that I had to say to my parents every day that explained that I liked them AND loved them because I was really worried that if I just liked them as a friend, it wasn't strong enough, but if I only loved them, I might just be tolerating them and not actually enjoy their presence.

Another way...well, I don't tend to miss people much, and I can start to take them for granted and get bored with them, to the point of not really feeling anything and not seeing why I should bother with them. But I realized that if the relationship ends, I am still quite stricken. So I concluded I must have feelings that I don't know about, deep down, and since then I have made an effort always to tell people how much they mean to me even if I'm not feeling it right then, because I know it's not untrue.

With effort, I can bring it to mind as well, like by imagining how I felt in a specific memory or how I would feel and what I would do if something bad happened. I used to do a lot of that. I don't know if I liked how the drama made my emotions more intense or what. Different things might trigger your emotions than your wife. What is she thinking when she's looking at your daughter with tears in her eyes? Maybe something else would trigger the same emotion in you.

They say emotions for people on the spectrum are 'simpler' and 'all-or-nothing'. It might be that you just can't experience love the same way your wife does, but that doesn't mean you don't love. I don't think you are a bad father. I definitely don't think I would be upset if my child fell down, and that can be a good thing! You are able to remain calm in dangerous situations. But I don't have a child, so I can't say how I would describe parental love.

 

[epath13]

For me it's a decision rather than knowing. I decide that I love somebody because I like a lot of things about them, because I care about their wellbeing... and I can spend a lot of time with them without being too annoyed. Everybody expresses love differently, in the end, to me it's just a word and I have decided that this word has a particular meaning to me, that's it (just like any other emotion). To you it could mean something different. It's not going to be the same for everybody.

 

[Grumpy Cat]

Another way...well, I don't tend to miss people much, and I can start to take them for granted and get bored with them, to the point of not really feeling anything and not seeing why I should bother with them. But I realized that if the relationship ends, I am still quite stricken. So I concluded I must have feelings that I don't know about, deep down, and since then I have made an effort always to tell people how much they mean to me even if I'm not feeling it right then, because I know it's not untrue.

That's nice about telling people how much they mean to you. That means a lot to NT's.

 

[royinpink]

That's nice about telling people how much they mean to you. That means a lot to NT's.

Took me awhile (about age 18?), but nowadays, I think I'm better at it than some of the the NTs I know. Men...

 

[watersprite]

Christophe, I struggle with that same sort of issue, and I am a mother. I have learned slowly but surely to respond to other people's pain in somewhat appropriate ways, at least some of the time. I will never be able to function in the way that NT's do. But my offspring are aware of and work around my way of being. I just have to say, royinpink, your response - the one, above, at 8:53 AM - is really helpful, wow.

 

[Ste11aeres]

There are different components to love. The tender emotions are one component, and it may be that you are deficient in that respect. But there are also aspects of love more connected with intellect and will, and it is quite likely that you do have those aspects.

 

[AsheSkyler]

I usually gauge by how loyal, protective, and territorial I am over somebody, and how much I trust them.

I don't make a fuss when my kid gets hurt on purpose, regardless of how much I do or don't I feel. I don't want to have a panicky little kid that falls apart every time as he so much as bumps into the couch. And it does come in handy. When he was about a year old and still ironing out the kinks of walking, he lost his balance and hit his head on a table leg. It cut his eyelid just a little, but still hurt a lot and bled like crazy. I just picked him up, bounced him a little because it calms babies down, and had him cleaned up before long. I think I gave him some Tylenol too since it was pretty tender. He quieted down as the pain did and was fine. You don't have to fly apart to be a good parent. Use that Aspie calmness to reassure that they're okay and let your analytical side make them good-as-new in no time.

 

[royinpink]

I usually gauge by how loyal, protective, and territorial I am over somebody, and how much I trust them.

I don't make a fuss when my kid gets hurt on purpose, regardless of how much I do or don't I feel. I don't want to have a panicky little kid that falls apart every time as he so much as bumps into the couch. And it does come in handy. When he was about a year old and still ironing out the kinks of walking, he lost his balance and hit his head on a table leg. It cut his eyelid just a little, but still hurt a lot and bled like crazy. I just picked him up, bounced him a little because it calms babies down, and had him cleaned up before long. I think I gave him some Tylenol too since it was pretty tender. He quieted down as the pain did and was fine. You don't have to fly apart to be a good parent. Use that Aspie calmness to reassure that they're okay and let your analytical side make them good-as-new in no time.

I'm glad you said this. I was thinking it but since I'm not a parent I figured I shouldn't speak of which I do not know. Must've read it somewhere, but good to hear it works for you in practice!

 

[royinpink]

Christophe, I struggle with that same sort of issue, and I am a mother. I have learned slowly but surely to respond to other people's pain in somewhat appropriate ways, at least some of the time. I will never be able to function in the way that NT's do. But my offspring are aware of and work around my way of being. I just have to say, royinpink, your response - the one, above, at 8:53 AM - is really helpful, wow.

Aw, thanks, I'm glad you found it helpful! I am surprised as i thought it was a confusing mess, haha. And yeah, responding appropriately to others' pain, especially emotional pain, is still hard. Sometimes I recognize when the analytical mindset needs to shut off and just express understanding... Sometimes I don't. And gestures of affection, well, that is a rare species.

 

[apsie]

Christophe Is it possible you are not all that bothered by emotions, and often see them for what they are, a hindrance?
The primary emotional response is often not the best one.

 

[AsheSkyler]

I'm glad you said this. I was thinking it but since I'm not a parent I figured I shouldn't speak of which I do not know. Must've read it somewhere, but good to hear it works for you in practice!

Never be shy with theories! Considering the old saying goes "it takes a village to raise a kid", I'd say just about any input is worth hearing. And there's some other saying about how being too close to something can blind you to the issue, so an outsider's perspective can be quite useful.

 

[Christophe]

Christophe Is it possible you are not all that bothered by emotions, and often see them for what they are, a hindrance?
The primary emotional response is often not the best one.

Actually, I'm really sensitive to MY emotions (lol) but not anyone else's
But most of the time (which means all the time) I miss interpret them (According to others).

 

[tree]

I thought love was what people did,
not felt.*

I don't mean sex. (eros)

I mean loving. (agape)


*I don't know that this will clarify.
I mean, love is not a 'feeling.'

 

[Beverly]

Love is a strange thing, it feels different to each individual.

For me, if I want to take care of the person, empathize with tier struggles, want to know the basics of tier life like work, hobbies, likes, dislikes and, what pleases them, and I am comfortable being around them and, can be myself with them, I love them.

Romantic love also brings the desire for physical closeness, not contact necessarily but being physically close to or, beside them is desirable for me.

I have learned to respond well enough to someone being injured near me that other see me as calm in a crisis, and willing to help in such situations. No that isn't the average NT response, it's more like the response of a paramedic or doctor. Acknowledge to the injured on that I know they are hurt, tell then what I am going to do to help them then, do what I told them I would do.

I do not express emotions well, and unless those close to me understand that my relationships fail. I am married, have been for 8 years and, so far so good. He understand that I show very little emotion of any kind. I don't expect this one to fall apart but, I can't say that if definitely will not at some point in the future.

 

[Flinty]

Love between humans is a concept I'm trying very hard to understand...and, for the most part, failing. Oddly enough, I can understand love between humans and a pet. That said, recent events have the potential to help.

 

[Slithytoves]

I know I love someone when:

The idea of them not being in my life is hard to think about, and feels wrong to me.

I find myself thinking about what they would say or do, or how they would feel, when I am faced with a question.

Any plan I imagine for the future naturally includes them, and I give natural thought how they fit into it.

When their good news is my good news, their problems are my problems, and their pain is my pain.

I am wiling to make changes or sacrifices for their benefit; not because they ask, but on my own.

When being with/thinking about them makes gives me a sense of warmth and peace that feels central to my happiness.

When I feel protective of them, and their well-being becomes as important to me as my own.

When supporting them with all of my available resources (not necessarily material) becomes a priority.

When I feel that sharing things with them is better than having them all to myself.

I'm sure I've left some things out, but you get the idea.

 

[Maelstrom]

I thought love was what people did,
not felt.*

I don't mean sex. (eros)

I mean loving. (agape)

*I don't know that this will clarify.
I mean, love is not a 'feeling.'

Hi tree , for me it is sort of both, I'm a analytical person like you, and I decide who and how to love someone. But I have also found love is a fire that needs to be fed and grows with each act of consideration and affection. I swore with my ex-girlfriend I would hold back on getting too attached until the bad family situation was settled, but I got drawn in by the acts of affection going back and forth and felt like dying when things finally blew up, even tho it was obvious it was coming.

So what I'm saying is active physical investment in someone builds emotion. So maybe Christophe needs to spend a little more time trying to find ways to make his daughter happy, to teach her things she will need to do better in life and with other people, and look for ways to protect her and help her survive the dangers in the world. And if he does that maybe he will tear up like his wife over his girl.

People are like pets the more time you put into loving a pet, the more you will end up loving them, and the more they will love you back. My parents spent a little too much time on the jobs and tried to buy the love with gifts... I hated their gifts...I still hate Christmass to this day. A gift bought as a after thought meant nothing to me, I wanted them to value me as a person/child. And Time and Effort = Love....not stupid money.

 

[Ste11aeres]

Hi tree , for me it is sort of both, I'm a analytical person like you, and I decide who and how to love someone. But I have also found love is a fire that needs to be fed and grows with each act of consideration and affection. I swore with my ex-girlfriend I would hold back on getting too attached until the bad family situation was settled, but I got drawn in by the acts of affection going back and forth and felt like dying when things finally blew up, even tho it was obvious it was coming.

So what I'm saying is active physical investment in someone builds emotion. So maybe Christophe needs to spend a little more time trying to find ways to make his daughter happy, to teach her things she will need to do better in life and with other people, and look for ways to protect her and help her survive the dangers in the world. And if he does that maybe he will tear up like his wife over his girl.

People are like pets the more time you put into loving a pet, the more you will end up loving them, and the more they will love you back. My parents spent a little too much time on the jobs and tried to buy the love with gifts... I hated their gifts...I still hate Christmass to this day. A gift bought as a after thought meant nothing to me, I wanted them to value me as a person/child. And Time and Effort = Love....not stupid money.

Yes, what you do affects how you feel. Maybe not right away, but in the long term it does.
People forget that. They are like: "I can't help how I feel/think." Or, "what I feel/think doesn't matter, only what I do matters."In some cases I want to say to them: But you worked hard to feel/think that way. (Not that they said " I will feel a certain way", but they took actions that would guarantee that feeling/way of thinking/attitude).
Not that people are always responsible for what they feel. No, there are so many other factors: things that happened in their past, the physiology of their individual body (maybe the original poster naturally produces less oxytocin than his wife), etc, etc. But in many cases, one's feelings/thoughts are the direct result of the accumulated deliberate actions they have taken over a long period of time.