How do you move past being acquaintances?

[Pineapple]

Im great at making small talk with new people, i've been getting better for years. But it never moves past that. Some new people i can talk to like we are best friends, but then it just dies out. I don't know where to go from there. I would invite them to my place to hang out, but that isn't an option. My house is a mess and neither me or my mom want anyone there. Im just used to having "work friends" or "school friends" who i get along great with but never see outside class or work.

 

[Ste11aeres]

Where do you live (unless you don't want to share.) Because that can influence this type of stuff.

 

[Sparticus]

Get them talking about their hobbies ala Dale Carnegie's book "How to Win Friends and Influence People" I think that's it.
People love talking about themselves-give them that opportunity!

 

[Pineapple]

Get them talking about their hobbies ala Dale Carnegie's book "How to Win Friends and Influence People" I think that's it.
People love talking about themselves-give them that opportunity!

I have a copy of that! haven't read it yet.(i know i should) Does it mention how to make them long term friends? I can talk to people about their hobbies just fine now, its just nothing happens beyond that. If i see them we talk and its just great, but thats it.

Ste11aeres: Illinois, in the riverbend area. I'd rather not get more specific.

One of the thing i notice most people really like is music. This sucks because while i like music, i don't have any favorites, i hardly i know the name of songs i like. Generally i listen to the radio or pandora. They always bring up specific bands or specific songs, i never have a clue who they are.

 

[Ereth]

Pineapple, you could try meeting up with people at a diner, a coffee shop, or a movie theater.

I also suggest using this as motivation to clean up your house so you can actually have company over.

 

[Pineapple]

Pineapple, you could try meeting up with people at a diner, a coffee shop, or a movie theater.

I also suggest using this as motivation to clean up your house so you can actually have company over.

Im working on it but requires money i don't have, i don't have money to spend on the theater or coffee(which i don't drink) or going out for lunch.

 

[nowwhat]

I've been thinking about your question for a week or so and have something for you. I am very typically aspie. I have tics, I stim. I can't read people well (see the body language thread in this subforum), but I have real friends, and have managed to move past the acquaintances phase in a few cases. Most people see how odd and broken I am and beg out at some point, but, for whatever reason, some have an interest in sticking around.

I think what moves the interaction into a possible real friendship is to do something for the person, just to help. In talking, you invariably learn things about people, and even if it's initially only centered around a common interest or circumstance, there is always something you could do for them or help them with, that comes to light. Conversely, sometimes accepting someones offer of help is how things move forward.

They can and often do turn you down, and that's OK. One can gain NOTHING in any endeavor without taking risk. They may accept in order to take advantage or use you, which you will discover quickly and then you can cut them off. Some, however, will accept help and then reciprocate strictly (still distancing you, but fair). Someone may, at some point, invite you further into their lives. You may be invited to their home, taken in to their confidence, or they might do something for you out of turn, showing trust, and a willingness to invest in you on their part. What I'm getting at is that opportunitities to build trust is the step you are looking for. Trust mutually earned and tested gains you a friend. This proces can be uncomfortable and scary. There will be trainwrecks (we are aspies, after all) and embarrassment, but are you willing to endure some of that to gain a friend? That's for you to answer by your actions. Good luck.

 

[Ereth]

Im working on it but requires money i don't have, i don't have money to spend on the theater or coffee(which i don't drink) or going out for lunch.

Those suggestions were meant to be starting points, not gospel, but okay. If you can't go out, you have even more reason to want to tidy the house for company.

 

[Sparticus]

Hmmm I don't remember. You can google a summary of the book. Ah you need a friendship Coach to teach you. That's ok I've had so many mentors and Coachs. A good saying I remember is "if you want a friend, be a friend." One guy in my area was homeless after his divorce one of his guy friends took him in for awhile. Both guys ended up being very good friends. I have a similar quest as you, getting long term friends.

As my friend Jimmy in NYC said he adopts people. Remember their birthdays, what they like, mail them newspaper articles on their favorite hobbies, etc, make them feel special, listen to them when they talk, get them to talk about themselves, call them, praise them, celebrate their victories etc. When I was younger I let a lot of good people go out of my life.

Keep asking questions! We will help you. All the best.

I have a copy of that! haven't read it yet.(i know i should) Does it mention how to make them long term friends? I can talk to people about their hobbies just fine now, its just nothing happens beyond that. If i see them we talk and its just great, but thats it.

 

[Turk]

Not sure if it helps Pineapple, but I use to get so anxious trying have conversations with people. To the point,i had a script I stuck to. The problem was that having a script isnt having a conversation. I spent so much time worrying about what I was going to say next, I was no longer listening to the conversation. The moment I started listening to conversation and made it about someone else, is the moment my anxiety started to fade. Letting the conversation flow, by adding or asking questions about others is a good way to get started. Deep down everyone likes talking about themselves and their interests, so let em run with it, and listen. Everything else will fall into place

Cheers
Thrm

 

[Licorice]

As my friend Jimmy in NYC said he adopts people. Remember their birthdays, what they like, mail them newspaper articles on their favorite hobbies, etc, make them feel special, listen to them when they talk, get them to talk about themselves, call them, praise them, celebrate their victories etc. When I was younger I let a lot of good people go out of my life.

Keep asking questions! We will help you. All the best.

I think this is pretty good advice right here.

I've also noticed that emotional openness plays a large role in closeness, but it has the downside of also making it possible for others to hurt you. A certain amount of disclosure makes things more personal and involves people in each other's lives beneath the surface. Most of my friendships formed during very bad periods when I was more open and interested in discussing our personal problems due to how frazzled and stressed I was.

 

[Turk]

Absolutely Licorice,
Couldn't agree more with that statement. Its the open honesty, with the risk of being hurt or not, that creates bonds. I always assumed that people were less broken than i, so I hid what I was. And yes, I lost many friends with this attitude.

Cheers
Turk