How Do You Not Beat Yourself Up When You Mess Up?

[Graelwyn]

I have a habit of getting very angry towards myself with every mistake a make, and every oversight.

For example, getting home and finding I have forgotten toilet rolls but remembered non essentials.

Saying the wrong thing.

And tonight, finding I have bid on a Uk council flat, without having properly checked what sort of heating system it had, bidding based on it being in a location I really like. I, of course, am now calling myself stupid, thick and all manner of other things for not having done thorough research.

So, how do you stop the negative attacks when you do not live up to your standards ?

 

[King_Oni]

Perhaps take things slower. Admitting to yourself that you just need more time to make sure you don't forget things that make you beat yourself up.

 

[Graelwyn]

Perhaps take things slower. Admitting to yourself that you just need more time to make sure you don't forget things that make you beat yourself up.

Yeah, I have been stuck in a really bad place for over 5 years now so am quite eager to get out, and have been careful usually to check the area and the heating, but this one I seem to have not noticed it had old style heating.

I tend to physically attack myself when I make such mistakes as I feel I should be smarter than that and feel really stupid about such mistakes.

I am not sure if it is the whole aspies sometimes lacking common sense issue, or just being human but it has really got to me tonight.
Once I find something lacking in things I have done, I tend to fixate on them and find it very difficult to just let it go, or let myself off, so to speak.

 

[Kari Suttle]

Once I find something lacking in things I have done, I tend to fixate on them and find it very difficult to just let it go, or let myself off, so to speak.

I do this as well. I wish i could give you some great piece of advice that would help, but honestly i'm in the same situation. I don't know what to do about it myself. The best thing i can come up with is to either sleep it off or blast music and both only work so well for me.

 

[Judge]

When I make some royal screw-up, I try to keep it in perspective in the form of a lesson to learn. And never forget, so it isn't likely to happen next time. To turn your errors into practical lessons.

In other words, make lemonade out of life's lemons when you can.

If I never would have made some extreme errors with computers, I would have likely never learned how to build them. Sometimes failure can be a foundation for success.

 

[gonzerd]

Yeah, sometimes I might hit myself for ****ing up. Other times I just throw my hands to the heavens and blame god. Everyone makes mistakes, better just get used to it. Although that took a long time, and sometimes our own mistakes are the hardest to accept. (it differs largely from person to person though.) Try to learn something from it, but don't be too hard on yourself. Often all one can do is shrug, say 'I ****ed up', and get on with it. The store was all out of toilet rolls anyway.

 

[nightowl]

I usually turn my anger inwards onto myself when I fail to do things as supposed. It's very energy consuming, and I end up emotionally drained and exhausted. It's impossible to live "fail-proof" and I have gradually learnt to try and see something positive about my mistakes.

To quote Judge " lemonade out of life's lemons" that's the way we all live our lives.

 

[James K Trefethen]

I think it is really easy to make mistakes- after all, you have less short-term memory than other people if you have autism. Some of us get in such a perfectionistic mode where we seem to forget we are human. You can beat yourself up or realize that you made a mistake and move on. We need to realize that a certain amount of time is dedicated to making mistakes.

Sometimes, I think the best thing to do is slow down. Don't do anything hastefully. Question what you are doing until you get all of the facts straight. When you think you have a handle on it then make the decision. If you need to make a decision pretty quick, then maybe ask a person you trust.

If you need to get the anger out, I'd try exercise. The more rigorous the better. Just sweat it all out. Try to envision the anger and it will push you even further.

 

[Graelwyn]

I think it is really easy to make mistakes- after all, you have less short-term memory than other people if you have autism. Some of us get in such a perfectionistic mode where we seem to forget we are human. You can beat yourself up or realize that you made a mistake and move on. We need to realize that a certain amount of time is dedicated to making mistakes.

Sometimes, I think the best thing to do is slow down. Don't do anything hastefully. Question what you are doing until you get all of the facts straight. When you think you have a handle on it then make the decision. If you need to make a decision pretty quick, then maybe ask a person you trust.

If you need to get the anger out, I'd try exercise. The more rigorous the better. Just sweat it all out. Try to envision the anger and it will push you even further.

Thanks, that was a very helpful reply. It is true, I tend to forget I am human and expect myself to get everything right, viewing it as an intellectual deficit if I forget things or make a faulty decision.

I did actually exercise regularly but have lapsed in the last few months. I did boxing, weights, cycling and a variety of other things but when Winter arrives, I seem to slip into fatigue and a total lack of motivation to move. I need to try and get back to the gym.

 

[May Black]

So, how do you stop the negative attacks when you do not live up to your standards ?

I try to apply the same standards on myself as I do on other people. It helps a lot.

The way I see life, I'm the only person I really have to live with for the rest of my life, so I try to be kind to myself.