how do you not take things personal...

[kkforss]

i'm kevin and i am struggling. my girlfriend has a teenage son w/aspies. i love them both so very much and would do anything for them. my biggest struggle isnt with her son though. i understand (the best i can) when he doesnt want to talk or interact. what i have a hard time with is when his mother shuts me out when she is stressed about him. in total fairness, she spent 15 yrs married to a man w/aspies and they had very little emotional connection. her ex has never been much help with their son, so at some point, she just started doing everything herself. but now for the last couple yrs, she has been telling me how much she needs and wants my help, but when she is stressed over her son, she shuts me out, and i see the stress breaking her, and i don't know what to do. i love them both so much, but i feel so helpless. i try not to take anything personally, but when you love people... thats pretty personal... right?

 

[Bay]

What does she say when you tell her what you have just told us?

 

[kkforss]

when she isnt stressed, she will tell me that she knows that she is shutting me out and putting up walls. she says she doesn't know why she does it, it is just what she has always had to do to deal with it. then she tells me she is sorry for doing it. when she is stressed, she tells me very little and it is like she gets angry that i am there and wanting do do anything i can for them. it is like she is fighting a war inside of herself. and the last thing she wants is for me to see her struggle... until she isnt so stressed, then she keeps thanking me for being so understanding. the trouble is that her son is going through a really tough time right now with school, so she is stressed 80% of the time. thank you for replying.

 

[Arashi222]

I know it must be hard not to take it personally. I think like Bay kinda said maybe sitting her down and talking to her about how her stress also affects you because of how she reacts to the stress. It might be good just to talk about it between the two of you. I hope things get better though. You sound liek you love them very much.

 

[Bay]

As Arashi noted, you clearly love them! I know that it can be a difficult dynamic when you come into a family and are sort of the odd person out. I am in that situation and it has brought me more pain than I might ever have guessed. Like you, I only want to help and ease the stress of my partner. I have gone way out of my comfort zone to do so, only to have my attempts at help and belonging dismissed. And I took it very personally! I felt deeply wounded by what felt like a rejection of my caring and love.

I finally realized that it was not my battle to fight, so to speak. It came down to issues that had to be resolved between my partner and her son, and only indirectly did it impact me. So now I try to be available to her when she is ready to talk about it, supportive, honest but kind in my feedback to her, and non-judgemental (which is harder than it sounds). I adore her son and am always there for him, and he is much less stressed now that his issues with his mom are between him and his mom. But that is just my story. It may or may not apply to your situation.

 

[Christian T]

kkforss, I think you've been lucky to get such good advice thus far. I might add that I think it would be worth persisting with getting your girlfriend's ex to assist more with helping her son, as he'd of course have that insider's perspective. If that's possible, of course.