How do you react to verbal fighting?

[AuroraBorealis]

I don't mean your own fights/conflicts, but when you witness them happening with other people, especially people who are close to you.
I feel like I am much more sensitive to verbal fights than most people I know. As a child, I'd stop talking and just start crying every single time there was a fight at home. When I was in another room, I'd cover my ears and hum something. I didn't feel physically threatened by the fighting or anything, it just felt like I couldn't bear it. It was always a mystery to me how others could stay calm or even find some fights between other people funny.
When I got older, I stopped crying as a reaction but still very much tense up every time there is a fight, I get very anxious and sometimes I get annoyed, but more in the way of "why do you people have to make me feel so awful right now, is that fight really necessary?" It's even worse when the fight is unfair, like, when someone says mean, personal things instead of sticking to the topic of fighting. It feels like I simply can't bear it. Again, this is not even about my own fights but about other people's.

I usually don't really resonate with Sheldon Cooper from The Big Bang Theory. But there's a scene which fits exactly. Leonard and Penny fight about something, and Sheldon gets very flustered and, like motion-controlled, he goes and turns on some loud kitchen machine to tune out the fighting voices. That 's exactly how I feel in those situations and what I did as a child by covering my ears and/or crying.

 

[marc_101]

I'm very sensitive. Two situations:

1. A fight but I'm not that close to the people or situation. I react the same way as being in a car with loud music or people. It's like a Big Cringe. I try to escape.

2. A fight with me or people close to me, like my parents when I was young. If I can't physically leave, I dissociate. I go to my imaginary world. I try to mentally go somewhere else by daydreaming. I once read a book on trauma describing dissociation and it was eye-opening. Like, yep, I know exactly what they mean. I'm in la-la-la land and it's like my body is there but my mind is not.

Sometimes I can't watch tv shows when people are in an embarrassing situation. I can't watch Hulu's popular show The Bear. They spend the entire show in stressful situations yelling at each other. I can't take it. It's unbearable (ha, accidental pun).

 

[kriss72]

I get very uncomfortable if people are (verbally) fighting, I feel like being part of it - even it has nothing to do with me, it induces fear in some way...

 

[Jumpinbare]

I get very uncomfortable if people are (verbally) fighting, I feel like being part of it - even it has nothing to do with me, it induces fear in some way...

Absolutely. I always try to get away from these situations if at all possible. I remember as a kid hearing my parents argue in their room with the door closed. It was like the end of the world.

 

[Xinyta]

For me it's not limited to fighting alone that upsets me. Any general agression tends too. Though I have my stepmother to thank for that.

 

[Neonatal RRT]

If I am a witness to verbal fighting, it just depends upon the situation:
1. In my mind, it's a loss of self-control, which I interpret as weakness of character, so I don't get involved unless it escalates into something physical, then I will intervene.
2. Sometimes, depending upon the topic and who is involved, it can be humorous and I will be an observer.
3. I typically walk away thinking both parties are idiots and "less than" for not having control over themselves or the intellect to solve it another way.

Keep in mind, I am Gen X, so I grew up with a culture where we solved things with violence. You won't get an emotional reaction from me.

 

[Levitat0r]

I don't mean your own fights/conflicts, but when you witness them happening with other people, especially people who are close to you.
I feel like I am much more sensitive to verbal fights than most people I know. As a child, I'd stop talking and just start crying every single time there was a fight at home. When I was in another room, I'd cover my ears and hum something. I didn't feel physically threatened by the fighting or anything, it just felt like I couldn't bear it. It was always a mystery to me how others could stay calm or even find some fights between other people funny.
When I got older, I stopped crying as a reaction but still very much tense up every time there is a fight, I get very anxious and sometimes I get annoyed, but more in the way of "why do you people have to make me feel so awful right now, is that fight really necessary?" It's even worse when the fight is unfair, like, when someone says mean, personal things instead of sticking to the topic of fighting. It feels like I simply can't bear it. Again, this is not even about my own fights but about other people's.

I usually don't really resonate with Sheldon Cooper from The Big Bang Theory. But there's a scene which fits exactly. Leonard and Penny fight about something, and Sheldon gets very flustered and, like motion-controlled, he goes and turns on some loud kitchen machine to tune out the fighting voices. That 's exactly how I feel in those situations and what I did as a child by covering my ears and/or crying.

I developed a thick skin early, and turned to the usual male imperatives about being mentally tough. I had a father who beat that attitude into me, in fact. He'd punish me first, and then he'd punish me again for being "weak" or hurt by his cruelty. Later, in the pursuit of faith, you're supposed to forgive and turn the other cheek, so it overturns that entire attitude. You can't hide behind anger like a shield anymore, and so ultimately, I think your response is actually healthier than the norm. Your non-confrontational manner fits better.

 

[Rodafina]

How do you react to verbal fighting?​

- Shutdown
- Retreat as soon as possible
- Avoid participants for awhile (because I get afraid of them)

I don't handle others' verbal altercations very well and am not capable of engaging in them myself.

 

[Meowser18]

I don't mean your own fights/conflicts, but when you witness them happening with other people, especially people who are close to you.
I feel like I am much more sensitive to verbal fights than most people I know. As a child, I'd stop talking and just start crying every single time there was a fight at home. When I was in another room, I'd cover my ears and hum something. I didn't feel physically threatened by the fighting or anything, it just felt like I couldn't bear it. It was always a mystery to me how others could stay calm or even find some fights between other people funny.
When I got older, I stopped crying as a reaction but still very much tense up every time there is a fight, I get very anxious and sometimes I get annoyed, but more in the way of "why do you people have to make me feel so awful right now, is that fight really necessary?" It's even worse when the fight is unfair, like, when someone says mean, personal things instead of sticking to the topic of fighting. It feels like I simply can't bear it. Again, this is not even about my own fights but about other people's.

I usually don't really resonate with Sheldon Cooper from The Big Bang Theory. But there's a scene which fits exactly. Leonard and Penny fight about something, and Sheldon gets very flustered and, like motion-controlled, he goes and turns on some loud kitchen machine to tune out the fighting voices. That 's exactly how I feel in those situations and what I did as a child by covering my ears and/or crying.

My remaining family are verbal fighters. They can be quite mean to each other. The discord drives me nuts if I happen to be with them. I just want to escape and always heave a sigh of relief when I leave. They are loud about it too which doesn’t help!

 

[ChrisCRISPR]

It happened today. Two people I know were getting into it very loudly and I went into the bathroom to hide and cry I am way too sensitive. It wasn't really even about me or anything it just makes me sad when people I love are fighting and mad at each other especially family and friends.

 

[Tired]

When I was a kid I tried to stop parents fighting, both physically and verbally. Sometimes I didn't even mind them yelling at me instead of one another. I just wanted to live in a happy calm family.
With time i understood what type of people they are, so i switched to thinking that I would actually much rather prefer them to just kill one another and leave me alone. Living in that dysfunctional family made me feel very tense and sometimes even fearful when I hear anyone verbally fighting now, because, in my experience, verbal fights rarely end just on that.

 

[Shevek]

My parents never fought, so I never learned that conflict could be resolved. That would have gotten them disqualified from adopting a baby in Sweden. If people are talking over each other on the screen, I change the program. However, I had one remarkable ride, sitting in between two married friends who were arguing. They were exchanging sentences, and both kept trying to say something conciliatory. However, they also kept finding some offensive interpretation of the previous statement, which took a lot of ingenuity, but it kept the argument going.

 

[kriss72]

I wonder how much of this is relate to experiences of parents arguing and yelling at each other, which no children probably likes.... which could have put permanent marks in us, but then I also remember, how it hurt when I was little and the teacher told another child to behave, like if it was me that had done things wrong. Like why is it difficult when others argue?

 

[Shevek]

I wonder how much of this is relate to experiences of parents arguing and yelling at each other, which no children probably likes.... which could have put permanent marks in us, but then I also remember, how it hurt when I was little and the teacher told another child to behave, like if it was me that had done things wrong. Like why is it difficult when others argue?

When others argue, they may start breaking things, hurting people we depend on, or abandoning children. I also get a strong sense of frustration when people are arguing but never stating, or even being aware of their different starting assumptions. Without that awareness, they are just looping, caught in one of Ma Nature's tricks to check on what is now optimum.

 

[Seladon]

OP it’s understandable and imo quite common for ASD people to struggle with conflicts of all kinds, indirectly and otherwise. Have seen and heard of it happening in many cases.

It’s the same for me, too, since childhood—at school I would get roped into drama and detentions because I got hysterical about two classmates fighting or told a teacher. I earned this reputation as a crybaby and a pushover, which as you can imagine was exploited.

And to this day as an adult I go mute and leave the situation if say my dad starts picking an argument with someone (which as an old deadbeat with PTSD and past CA trauma he does constantly, to test people), then gives them the silent treatment or lashes out if they don’t give him the win. Many of us sadly go through or inherit caregiver trauma in this way.

That said; gentle, safe graduated exposure can help temper reactions you may have. E.g. lately I’ve been spending time over at my sister’s place, observing her petty domestic squabbles and disagreements with her fiancé, and it’s instructive to see how they resolve them in a more healthy, mutual and reasonable way, without resorting to violence, stonewalling, projecting etc.

 

[AuroraBorealis]

Thank you for your answers. It's very interesting to read the different views.

I wonder how much of this is relate to experiences of parents arguing and yelling at each other, which no children probably likes

Probably a lot. Fighting was always very unhealthy in my family, with picking fights, verbal abuse, shouting, ignoring and stonewalling, and rarely even ended in physical violence. I might have developed a different reaction to fighting if I had been exposed to a different, healthier kind of fighting.

And to this day as an adult I go mute and leave the situation if say my dad starts picking an argument with someone (which as an old deadbeat with PTSD and past CA trauma he does constantly, to test people), then gives them the silent treatment or lashes out if they don’t give him the win

My situation is very similar. I just don't know what CA trauma means.

That said; gentle, safe graduated exposure can help temper reactions you may have. E.g. lately I’ve been spending time over at my sister’s place, observing her petty domestic squabbles and disagreements with her fiancé, and it’s instructive to see how they resolve them in a more healthy, mutual and reasonable way, without resorting to violence, stonewalling, projecting etc.

I'm glad that you're able to learn more about healthy fighting. I also started to learn a very different atmosphere and fighting behavior in my future in-law family. However, I notice issues from this trauma from my upbringing. For instance, my partner never wants to let out angry feelings about somethjng at home, because the few times when he got louder and annoyed about something (NOT during discussions with me but e.g. when something annoying happened at work), according to him I got all pale, tensed up and looked at him like a cornered animal (without me noticing that). I feel absolutely safe with him and I want him to be able to voice his frustration and share his feelings at home, but he doesn't want to, because he doesn't want to cause that reaction in me. It's a problem I haven't found a solution for yet.