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How do you tell if someone is a good friend?

windowall

windowall

見ぬが花
How do you discern between a good friend, a bad friend and just A friend?
I feel lucky when I can make a friend at all. But failing to realize someone has been a bad friend to me has always hurt me. I never even think about it until something like my feelings get hurt or my trust betrayed or I get taken advantage of. Until that happens I am just blindly loyal to my friends. When something bad happens I have to decide to stop being friends with them and wonder if they were ever a good friend at all which is painful.
 
I wish I knew the answer to that also.
I've never really had what I consider friends, but, other relationships, (boyfriends, business associates, etc)
seem to all be the same. I'm loyal and true in romantic relations. And true to doing what I say and always ready to help in work associations. Then something always happens and I feel I've been betrayed or lied to and hurt. Then they are just gone.
Human nature always seemed very fickle to me.
I am wary of what's really behind someone's motivations to seem friendly when it doesn't seem to last.
 
when you ask a friend to do something that is an inconvenience for them
yes = friend
no = not really
 
Sometimes I think that friendship is a chimera that people keep chasing but which doesn't really exist. An abstract notion. I don't really have friendships, but relationships and aquaintances of varying intensity and quality. I don't get involved emotionally with people, because I just get hurt.
 
I am unable to tell the difference between a genuinely 'good friend' and a person who is simply, putting on an act, until the person does something that exposes their true colors, or, until they have proven to be genuine, over a significant period of time.
 
It takes time to figure out what kind of friend a person is, not to mention what kind of friend you wish to be. So it makes sense to go slow and be cautious at first.
 
That's a tough one. It gets even harder when you can't read the social cues and body language. But the one real danger to be aware of is when your desperate to make any friends. You'll tend to overlook or ignore any of the warning signs of trouble.
 
If a person listens to what I have to say, and likes what I say, and wants to talk about it further, then I believe this could be the start of a nice friendship.
 
I've had this problem all my life too. I am getting better about the choosing part though. First off, I don't really have many opportunities to meet new people (and I'm okay with that!) but when I do I pay attention to who is interested in ME, and what I say, my life, etc. instead of me interested in having them as a friend but they are "all set" and not showing much interest. In other words, I do NOT ever chase people- for any type of relationship (including family!). I look for people with whom I have things in common ESPECIALLY any of my special interests. Do we have similar life circumstances, needs, wants, expectations, etc. On expectations- this one is HUGE. I have had to lower what I expect people to be for me. I think a lot of us on the spectrum like to have most of our relational needs met by just one person but that's SUPER tough. It's too much. Some friends will be great to go to the zoo with or comic con when you want someone to enjoy that with, but that same person might not be the one you can turn to for advice about work or relationships, maybe they have a family and not a lot of time to go out. Try to have friends for different situations and also, don't try to be everything to one friend either- it will wear you out and you can be taken advantage of whether meant to or not.
Beware of the "friend" who is always needy and never available or says they will be available but always bails at the last minute or doesn't seem like they want to be there when they show up. Keep a distance from iffy people, it's called boundaries. It's difficult to find a trustworthy person who you can relate to, but it happens. I'm 41 and I have exactly 1 friend who I find trustworthy, that even though she doesn't fit every relational need, I can trust her to be honest and direct. Other than that, I have a couple people I could call and go to the park with our kids or something, but not much more.
Try to learn as much as you can from failed relationships as well as any good ones. A therapist sometimes can help with that if you find a good one ;)
 
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