How Do Your Parents/SO/Siblings Deal With Your ASD/AS?/ETC?

[Carnelian]

I was wondering, because I didn't know if everyone was exactly like me. I hope this is in the right place. I was debating whether it should go in the general discussion.

My mother is a big believer in the "if you mention your disorder/issue then you use it as an excuse" and "You're just like everyone else your disorder doesn't excuse ____ behavior" and basically that whole camp.

Which. Is hard. Because sometimes I try to talk to her and explain why something is causing a reaction in me and she responds with "Stop wearing Autism on your sleeve! Stop using it as an excuse! You can act and feel just like the rest of us! You're no different!"

Which is what happened tonight at a bonfire. I didn't really want to go in general, but I get nagged to go to social things because I write a lot and research a lot but don't hang out with people or feel the need too.

And I just felt like everyone there was speaking some language I couldn't understand and I was deaf and blind and mute to every type of communication. I tried to talk and join in but over and over I felt like a big crow among little bluebirds and like I was just a trainwreck people were rubbernecking to see and finally I had to storm away in tears because I just felt so far away from everyone else.

It happened earlier today too when I bought some books on pharmacology and wildlife and history. I mentioned to the seller that they also had "Gray's Anatomy" (Not the show, it's a huge book detailing all of human anatomy) but I had already read it in 7th grade. The woman went "...Oh" and my mom hurried me away and I felt like I did something...wrong.

And IDK, my mother is very quick to start screaming when something is upsetting her or doesn't go her way. Dish in the sink, she starts screaming about how worthless I am and how she hopes I die. Cat peed on the rug? Screams at me for standing there or looking at her wrong. I don't even have to do anything for her to go on a spiel about how she wishes she was dead so she doesn't have to deal with me. Or she yells at me for trying to "milk" being autistic because I'm the same as everyone else and my behavior isn't excused by anything and that I should know how to be a human being, etc. Then an hour later she's trying to hug me and saying she loves me.

It's frustrating.

Do you ever experience this type of stuff with your spouse or parent or whoever you live with? Is this common? Is she right? I don't know. I don't trust my own thoughts because I've always been told they're wrong.

I hope this wasn't too rant-y or wrong to post.

Thank you.

 

[Aspergirl4hire]

Hi Carnelian, welcome to AC.

One of the hardest things to cope with is family that is desperate to "not get it." I was a disappointment to my own mother all my life; "why can't you be like them?"

Well, because I'm not like them. Unfortunately, I was only diagnosed last year, several decades too late.

I realized early on that my mother had problems and it was useful to have a scapegoat, but it took some therapy to establish how and why. A narcissist can't actually contemplate the idea that things are not all about them, and anxiety, frustration, and depression rolled into that mix can be pretty combustible.

I really doubt you did anything other than deeply startle the seller. I too read books well in advance of my "age-appropriate" standing. Sometimes adults are just plain stupid. Even adults we feel loyalty toward.

You can't help but be who you are, and all I can hope for is that you find a way to learn about your mother, not to learn from your mother about you. You are your own best teacher. Learn from yourself. There are gems there that only you can mine.

See you around the threads,
A4H

 

[AsheSkyler]

I had that issue as a kid. Nobody else had the problems I did with cleaning and for years my family thought I was just trying to get out of it. A few other SPD issues made growing up frustrating too. But I am so stubborn, strict, and have such a strong ethic that my family is somewhat relieved when I admit a limitation and relax a bit in favor of nursing it, even though they're still a bit weird about sleep patterns and cleaning. Some of them are convinced I'm superhuman, and remain in denial of my limitations and expect me to push on through to keep up with their opinion of me being superhuman. I start to extend my expectations of myself to my expectations of them. They can't keep up and so get off my back.

 

[Progster]

When I was diagnosed, I was going through a difficult time and also had depression. The diagnosis was a shock, and I wasn't the easiest person to live with. My mum and sister did read a bit about Asperger's and tried to understand, but they still found it hard to deal with. The reading did help, though, as they understood why I was so rigid at times, hated loud noise or needed time on my own, or found it hard to join in conversations, and they didn't push me too hard on those issues. Now that I'm over the depression and further down the line, things are easier. I think it would help if your family read more about the condition and tried to understand it better.

 

[Slithytoves]

Welcome aboard, Carnelian. I'm glad you found us. Love the mask in your avatar.

I'm sorry you're having such a hard time.

I really liked what Aspergirl4hire said re: learning about your mother, not learning from your mother about you. That's an excellent suggestion. If she doesn't/isn't willing to understand and accept that you do have an ASD and that it means something for your thinking and behavior, then she really isn't the best source of feedback about yourself. But you can learn to see her behavior for what it is, and not beat yourself up.

And no, she isn't "right" at all, though sadly this kind of situation is common to many of us. If you were my kid, I'd be more worried if you didn't know how your autism works in you. Part of the point of getting a diagnosis at all is to get a clue for understanding yourself, and to be able to explain yourself to others. Why else would anyone bother, since ASDs aren't medicateable? What other good does a diagnosis do?

You're doing your best to be clear about the reasons why you are the way you are about certain things. Sure, teenagers and young adults can make a lot of excuses to their parents, but you have a legitimate explanation for very real traits of a diagnosed neurodiversity. Your mom could stand to learn and consider the difference between typical behaviors of youth and an ASD. If she doesn't trust you as your own authority, then she could always do some reading, or speak to your therapist if you have one. That's her responsibility to exercise or neglect.

 

[Carnelian]

Thank you all, I really appreciate the responses you have.

My mom is doing a little research but it doesn't seem to be doing much good. She never does as much research as I do, usually. She'll read a book. I'll be on the internet and library for days.

Also, thanks for complimenting my mask! I made it! It was actually the first thing I ever did with clay. I'm very good at thinking in 3-D and seeing all the little pieces that make up the whole, so sculpting is great for me.

Drawing, not so much.

 

[QuestorThews]

Hi Carnelian, I experienced the same situation. My mom and sisters find difficult to understand my behavior and I can see they would prefer me to act always like others. But as you said, we are not like others so I prefer to be myself sometimes. I dint think they are guilty. Just not able to understand but I don't blame them. Great mask, really a great job ☺ I draw instead

 

[aggogirlz]

They just don't know what it's like. :-/