How I feel

[Sal26]

I wish I could lead a normal life
With normal worries and normal strife
But no I'm 'blessed' with ASD
Otherwise known as being an Aspie

Inside I'm all jumbled - a bit of a mess
Inside and outside a bubble of stress
Just bouncing around with no real direction
My thoughts all over the place no tidy section.

I try so hard just to be normal
To be loving and caring and ever so thoughtful
No matter how I try to bring these qualities to the fore
My Aspie self runs out and slams the door

Aspie gets anxious and tied up in knots
Aspie retreats and turns keys in the locks
Aspie just laughs as I start to struggle
Trying to burst out from my solitude bubble.

I'll never be free from what hinders me
Trying to manage it is the best I can be
The good parts of me is my Asperger's too
But I'll never be a neurotypical like you

 

[Sal26]

I wrote this after my partner (NT) of 15 and a half years finished with me this week. We have split up so many times and she said the only reason she would split up with me again was if I ever slept with any one else. The only affair I've had is with my recently diagnosed ASD. We kept going round in circles where if she got mad at me I'd retreat for days and I guess she could only take so much. I'm currently in the spare room or spare tomb I've come to think of it as until I find myself a flat. She told me that the only time I seemed happy was when I lived on my own or am at my allotment. I feel my world has fallen down around me cod I love her so much and always have. I hate being this way and can't even imagine the pain I have caused her over the years. After quitting smoking for 80days (not long I know) this has become a new obsession of how many cigs I can smoke. Pffft

 

[Rocco]

That's a well articulated explanation of your situation. I hope you can find some solace in our community here. Feel free to message me anytime. I can relate to the turbulence you are experiencing. Also a smoker. Best wishes.

 

[Suzanne]

Your amazing way with words is EXACTLY how I feel!

My husband is an nt as well and we have been married this year, for 24 years and oh the many times that we nearly parted!

He has said the same thing to me ie you would be happy being single, since all your hobbies are for one person. Rather unfair because he is at work all day and so, naturally I do not sit around doing nothing! Unfortunately when he said that I am better suited to single life, he got me believing he was accurate and I tried to leave him and had it all planned out in my head, what I would do, but of course, great in theory, but in practice, quite the opposite. It gradually came to me that I hardy do as he says, since I eat properly because I have to cook for him; I do all his washing and ironing! So basically he was being jealous but I interpreted it another way.

Today, another sort of breakthrough: he told me that indeed, I do not look at the bigger picture, which explain so much to why I complicate things.

I do hope she returns and realises that you both need to work together on this.

 

[Sal26]

Thank you both so much for replying. I feel so alone and helpless.
I'm doing the dutiful keeping out of the way, signing things to release my name off the joint bank account and looking for flats. We do this over and over again but it's different this time because after my diagnosis I've found the reason.
I posted my 'poem' on Facebook and she got annoyed because she thought that I'm not willing to change and this the way I am so there but it wasn't meant like that. I know I need some help and I've told her this and even suggested counselling for us both but she says we'll never get back from this. I know it's hard for her and NT's in general but it's damn hard for us too. It's not something we can just turn off. She has been great and has fought my corner so many times and now she says that she's had the dawning realisation that she's 42 and needs to make herself happy rather than me. The last time we split (2011) she ended up on diazepam so is she really going to be happy? Gawd so many thoughts.

 

[Suzanne]

Wow, so sorry you have to go through this.

I guess she is not open to finding out about Aspergers?

What gets to me is that she says she is deserving to be thinking of herself which is so wrong. She should be happy to work together on this, because understanding needs to come from both.

My husband is pretty bad, but has "dealt" with me for nearly 24 years and is trying his best to understand me.

What I am taking to do, is to ask him his opinion on traits ie do you think I do this or that etc, which is working because he is eager to say. Goodness me, yes you do this so often and I say thanks for clearing that up, because I see it is an aspie trait and he does not react badly, because I think he feels sort of vindicated and then, willing to help me.

She needs to appreciate that you are not being deliberately what ever, but that your brain is wired differently.

When our partners work with us, whoa harmony.

 

[Sal26]

Thanks Suzanne. She knows about Asperger's as her son has it too but she's a practical person and tries to fix things but this can't be fixed....maybe tweaked! I've been in touch with the local Autism Specialist Nurse today because since my diagnosis in Jan 14 I've had no support whatsoever....what's the point of a diagnosis if no-one's going to help and give advice. He seemed quite shocked that I had not received any post-diagnostic support so fingers crossed.
What I can't understand is that a week earlier we were saying how we were getting sorted and that her son's girlfriend needs to work with him with his Asperger's and that she could have given up n me but didn't then Bam! Maybe I am best off on my own. Awe I don't know!! Sorry!! [emoji53]