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How is your relationship with unexpected?

M

ManuelXX

Active Member
Good morning, I am writing to ask you if you too have a bad relationship with the unexpected
Personally, when a plan changes at the last moment it makes me uncomfortable, while, on the contrary, I appreciate knowing what I will do in the future and I hate uncertainties.
When a commitment skips to the last minute, or a person is suddenly added to a group of friends, or when something unexpected is added to what is scheduled, how do you react?
I would also like to ask you what you think about sudden changes in habit or lifestyle, because, for example, I have to get used to it in order to truly appreciate a place or a situation.

Thank you
 
It depends on the situation. If unexpected happens with regards to social situations then yes, due to my social anxiety. And yes if something has been meticulously planned out for a while and something unexpected happens that requires big changes

Otherwise if it's something that's out of anyone's control or if I have to shift things around then not really.
 
I absolutely hate unexpected things. Even if something is good i would rather expect it at least a little bit. But unexpected bad things are the absolute worst and give me such anxiety.

I hate feeling I have no control over my life.
 
ManuelXX said:
Good morning, I am writing to ask you if you too have a bad relationship with the unexpected
Personally, when a plan changes at the last moment it makes me uncomfortable, while, on the contrary, I appreciate knowing what I will do in the future and I hate uncertainties.
When a commitment skips to the last minute, or a person is suddenly added to a group of friends, or when something unexpected is added to what is scheduled, how do you react?
I would also like to ask you what you think about sudden changes in habit or lifestyle, because, for example, I have to get used to it in order to truly appreciate a place or a situation.

Thank you
Click to expand...
There's an old saying, "Nobody plans to fail, they just fail to plan".

If you have no contingency plan, and the unexpected happens, then it will make you uncomfortable because you haven't planned. You're suddenly put into a position where you have to come up with another plan, often "in the moment", and this creates some anxiety because it doesn't give you time to relax and analyze, with the real risk of making a poor decision.

It is pretty rare that there are certainties in life. There is so much we have do not have control over. However, we do have control over ourselves.

I have spoken about this topic a few times on the forums here. It can be helpful to have a mindset of "If this, then that.", a mental algorithm for those important goals in life. Some may call it "plan A", "plan B" and "plan C". This way, if the unexpected happens, you can quickly pivot and still keep moving towards your goal. The important thing is to actually have a goal. For example, at work you may have a list of tasks you need to get done today. Then, you undoubtedly will be interrupted, again, and again, and again. I sometimes joke that in order to get from "point A" to "point B", it's rarely a straight line, because I find myself having to run through the entire alphabet to finally reach "point B", my final goal. Life is like this sometimes. There are many things that can knock us off our path, but having a goal is vitally important.

Another example. I am at the age where people are asking me about my retirement plans. "What age are you planning to retire?" My answer to them is, "It depends upon how much money I have in my investment/retirement portfolio." My goal is the age of 62, but I don't have control over how well the stock market performs. A downturn in the market means less money saved up, perhaps a delay in my retirement, perhaps a change in how I am planning on living during retirement. I have my mental algorithm planned ahead of time. Other variables might be the physical health of myself or my wife. It could be some other variable that I haven't thought of. I may be less happy with "plan B" or "plan C", but at least I've got a goal and a plan.
 
Yes, I don't like sudden or last minute changes and react badly. It's caused me quite a few problems in various jobs I've had.
 
The unexpected is very difficult for me.

I realize unexpected changes in life are inevitable. I do my best to try to accept change and practice flexibility.

Nevertheless, it takes great mental gymnastics to calm the chaos that unexpected change causes in my brain.
 
I'm pretty good at creating flexible plans that take in to account many contingencies, in fact as a Production Manager that was part of my job. I'm also pretty good at adapting to new situations, but having immediate plans interrupted would see me throw a temper tantrum.

A classic example is when I've nearly finished work for the day and I'm already planning what I'm going to do and who I'm going to see that evening, then the boss comes out at the last minute and tells me he needs me to stay back late. Big temper tantrum, yes I'd stay back and do the work but smart bosses never asked me unless it was really necessary.
 
I just get lost.

If my meticulous plan or script gets interrupted or changed, then I just get lost. There is no meltdown or shutdown. There is usually a quick spike of anxiety and discomfort in some situations when the change becomes apparent, but mostly it's just BRICK WALL. No idea what to do or how to respond. I can try to improvise around the change, with mixed success. I can accept the change, try my best to be flexible, but in the end I'll probably just get lost and upset people.
 
In terms of little unexpected things, "someone shows up for a surprise visit", I really hate that. Last minute changes of plans and cancellations too, extremely frustrating. My world gets momentarily rocked and it's better not to talk to me then. :)

In terms of bigger unexpected things, I always have an arborescence of plans B, B1, B2, B1', B2' etc - if one fails, there's ten possible exits and tactics, some more desirable than others, but all manageable. I've even prepared for the possibility where everything fails and I lose it all. I hate feeling locked up in one option and I'd never put all my eggs in one basket (except for romantic relationships, in which I'm only interested in one basket). I've built my life this way - where people go from step 1 to step 2 to step 3, I make step 1 solid then gather energy to jump to step 5, trajectory is calculated, if I ever were to fall there's springs to make me bounce back, etc.

I used to prepare for every single possibility, every encounter, every reaction people were going to have, and people were astonished that I was rarely taken by surprise. I try to let myself get surprised now, it's scary but it's good training, less limitative, and a bit of a rush - "What is my worth in real-time scenarios?"
 
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I almost don't even make plans, if I can help it. Not in the grand sense. I do what is necessary, of course...like I "don't" plan on starving, so I will meal plan and grocery shop. I mean more like, if there are plans for an event or project that I can work on or actually enjoy being at whatever place in public, unless it's at my house and/or somewhere I know well and scheduled way in advance, it usually falls flat. I'm better off just trying to hold to someone else's plans for a similar kind of thing.
 
I think changes and the unexpected are one of the more common things people on the spectrum dislike and have problems coping with.

However it is also one of the things one can count on to continually happen in life.

Many I think try to counter it by controling the environment and isolating themselves, but I suspect that is a house of cards.

I believe working the problem, coming up with a personnal strategy for dealing with it is time well spent, and the earlier the better. That can include getting some professional help.
 
When it comes to control, I've wondered before if handling the unexpected by planning ahead was an excessive attempt at control. In my personal case, it seems to me that there's a degree of "wanting to control" (not necessarily in a bad sense), i.e. not just be subject to the elements, but there's also just the way I'm wired: arborescent thinking. I have little visibility on my life in the distant future, I only have direction. And on the road, it's like a chess game. I assess probabilities and try to avoid stepping on landmines. I can't help map out scenarios. It feels as natural to me as it is to look at what's around me.

So I wonder how much of that drive to anticipate what will come next is the result of an intersection between various ND aspects/2E (arborescent thinking, rigidity, pattern-finding, scanning the environment like the motion tracker in Alien...)
 
ManuelXX said:
Good morning, I am writing to ask you if you too have a bad relationship with the unexpected
Personally, when a plan changes at the last moment it makes me uncomfortable, while, on the contrary, I appreciate knowing what I will do in the future and I hate uncertainties.
When a commitment skips to the last minute, or a person is suddenly added to a group of friends, or when something unexpected is added to what is scheduled, how do you react?
I would also like to ask you what you think about sudden changes in habit or lifestyle, because, for example, I have to get used to it in order to truly appreciate a place or a situation.

Thank you
Click to expand...
It's complicated.
 
Sasha22 said:
When it comes to control, I've wondered before if handling the unexpected by planning ahead was an excessive attempt at control. In my personal case, it seems to me that there's a degree of "wanting to control" (not necessarily in a bad sense), i.e. not just be subject to the elements, but there's also just the way I'm wired: arborescent thinking. I have little visibility on my life in the distant future, I only have direction. And on the road, it's like a chess game. I assess probabilities and try to avoid stepping on landmines. I can't help map out scenarios. It feels as natural to me as it is to look at what's around me.

So I wonder how much of that drive to anticipate what will come next is the result of an intersection between various ND aspects/2E (arborescent thinking, rigidity, pattern-finding, scanning the environment like the motion tracker in Alien...)
Click to expand...

It's been copied a lot since but I thought it a very spooky scene back then.

dallas.jpg


;)
 
In general, I don't like forced change, and have usually held on to bad situations for seven years to avoid moving. However, my tolerance for all kinds of surprises goes from very bad to pretty good depending on how much sleep I've gotten.
 
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