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How long is too long to (re?)initiate contact?

C

Crazi

Well-Known Member
So here's the deal(io)-

I was friends with this AS guy who was in one of my classes. It was pretty obvious he liked me on various levels and on the last day of class he asked for my number which I gave to him semi-reluctantly just cause I have fluid sexuality and at the time was not attracted to guys, although I was happy to be his friend.

After that we met a few times in public and it was pretty nice. I had a lot of other mental issues going on though at the time (med.s and whatever) that made it hard for me to think clearly an make solid judgements. (re-reading this, just want to clarify, nothing happened I just meant to say I came off somewhat aloof and/or out-of-it, I presume.)

But then I actually ended up in the hospital at which our contact broke off.

I tried calling him a few months ago randomly cause I had no one to talk to and I was desperate for a listening ear. I hung up while it was still ringing and didn't pick up when I saw him call back just cause I was, I droningly repeat, a "little" out-of-it.

Now, months later I'm in a better place. Knowing I also have Autism now, plus coming on here, is making me want to initiate contact. But I'm wondering if it's too late.

This thread doesn't have to be about my situation per se. Just, what are your general thoughts about how you keep in contact with people- and when, if ever- is too late to contact someone.
 
I really don't consider it "too late" to reestablish contact with someone unless the person in question wants nothing to do with me or vice versa.

I think you're safe to go ahead and try to call this guy if you want to, especially now that you're more stable.
 
Yeah, the only thing is- I feel kinda jerkish as he doesn't know why we broke off contact and now I don't know ho to confront the issue of explaining what my deal is to him. I guess that' more to the point . . .

I feel bad. :(
 
Maybe you could write your feelings down first. Once you know what you want to say, you can give your friend a call. :)
 
Tell him straight up. Tell him you feel bad and why. Whatever relationship you two end up having, he's going to notice at some point that you have issues. Your addressing your situation openly answers the question of what happened last time, and shows that you're not lying about it or covering it up. Trust is the basis of all relationships, and it's where you'll have to start with this one. Will be a good test for him, to see if he opts out or not. Be brave and good luck. He did call back, after all.
 
Yep id be calling him. If he is on the spectrum, he's likely to be as understanding, as your hoping, he'll be. He probably sitting on the other end wondering what he did wrong. You ringing him may come as a huge relief to him. As Nowwhat said, tell him the truth. Honesty sets you up for a win, no matter which way u turn, in this frienship.
 
I don't think there's really a set "too late." Some people might not be receptive after a few weeks, while others might be willing to give you a chance even after a year if you're honest and upfront.
 
hmmmm this is a toughie.

Ok in actuality I would be happy to be his friend he's cool and funny as many Aspies seem to be. BUT- I feel like by bothering to initiate contact with him after so long, it would sort of be implied that I'm more interested in him than in actuality I am, and . . Idk how to phrase this with out sounding like a royal jerk. It's been so long I feel he's probably told himself something about me by now and moved on. I don't want to initiate contact only to throw salt on a wound, like needlessly. You see what I'm saying? He was probably already really hurt by my actions and I just don't think -ok an explanation would probably be helpful but I don't want to be the friend he has a crush on but can never be with either. That would suck too.

If only I could run into him in person or something, just to explain myself. Then things would be hunky dory. :)
 
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Crazi said:
hmmmm this is a toughie.

Ok in actuality I would be happy to be his friend he's cool and funny as many Aspies seem to be. BUT- I feel like by bothering to initiate contact with him after so long, it would sort of be implied that I'm more interested in him than in actuality I am, and . . Idk how to phrase this with out sounding like a royal jerk. It's been so long I feel he's probably told himself something about me by now and moved on. I don't want to initiate contact only to throw salt on a wound, like needlessly. You see what I'm saying? He was probably already really hurt by my actions and I just don't think -ok an explanation would probably be helpful but I don't want to be the friend he has a crush on but can never be with either. That would suck too.

If only I could run into him in person or something, just to explain myself. Then things would be hunky dory. :)[/QUOTE

Could you not, put it in those terms. That you felt bad, because you were going thru some stuff, and you didnt want him to think, he'd offended him in some way. You could make it sound like a conscience thing, rather than anything, relating to affection. If you explained yourself, in the same manner you've done here, there will be no false interpretation, of your intent
Click to expand...
 
Coulf you not ,put it in those terms. If you contacted him and said that you felt bad that, while you were going thru some stuff, that things were left like this. If you explained it, the same way, as you did here, there will be no chance of any misunderstanding. Lifes short and if your looking for friends, take the risk. Opportunity, doesn't always present ,for us. Its sounds like you already have regrets. Dont carry it for a lifetime.
 
I guess the heart of the matter really is- I'm a bad friend. I don't have the organizational skills/ self esteem/ will power to keep up a friendship. It sounds simple I know, just calling a person to hang out but that's hard for me even if I've seen them like yesterday. I have serious fear of rejection and the fact this guy has probably already moved on from em and in some respects I from him doesn't help matters. I guess that's the real issue here. I need to get over this fear I have that is a result of serious emotional abuse in my past. Thanks for engaging me in this discussion. It at least has brought this issue to the forefront of my mind.
 
Unfortunately, I also, fall into the category, of bad friend. I had a lifetime to practice it, and regrets, that still haunt me. I just hate seeing, one of my own, start down the same path. I totally understand your mindset tho. If I could live my life again, this is where I would start.
 
Thanks for your words, Turk. I'm sorry to hear that but hopefully you feel a glimmer of validation knowing that you made me more aware about this issue and I now plan on seeking therapy to address it.

P.s. you could get help too- it's never too late!
 
Thx for that Crazi,
I do receive help from a physcologist, from time to time. So I do believe assistance in this area is important . Its like trying to teach an old dog, new tricks tho
 
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