How long to wait until sending another message to a romantic interest?

[cfc]

I have been speaking to someone online that I fancy romantically, and we are both open about liking each other (we’ve called each other cute). I was going to message him about arranging a video call as when I explained to him I’d like to keep talking online then progress to a video call he agreed it sounded good. However, I last messaged him on Wednesday just generally asking him what he'd done at the gym (he says he'd just been). He saw it at some point yesterday or this morning but hasn't replied yet. It's the first time that this has happened, it has pretty much been the typical back and forth volleyball up until this point. Do you think I can send him another message asking him if he still wants to do a video call (and if so when he's free), and if so, how long should I wait until sending it?

Also, how do I deal with the uncertainty of him not replying in the meantime? It's quite common for me to get anxious when this happens as I worry it will all end.

 

[Tom]

I would give a good ammount of time till the other replies. Possibly wait till they do reply. And if they don't - don't stress on it.

 

[Rodafina]

He saw it at some point yesterday or this morning but hasn't replied yet.

Definitely don’t overthink it! Lots and lots of reasons why one would not respond immediately even if that is breaking the pattern. It makes it difficult to be able to see that someone received something without any further context.

Also, how do I deal with the uncertainty of him not replying in the meantime?

Distraction! Great time to do some things that make you laugh, involve a special interest, or perhaps other people. Dwelling on these things too much or putting too much pressure on the other person can be counterproductive to moving the relationship forward.

It's quite common for me to get anxious when this happens as I worry it will all end

I understand, our anxieties can make things like waiting very difficult. Perhaps focusing on the objective data and evidence more than the feelings could be helpful.

 

[Atrapa Almas]

Do you know if that person is responding others messages?

If they is not, you should wait.

If they is, I would send another message to check whats going on.

 

[Raggamuffin]

I've had problems with feeling like I'm waiting for replies from those I date. In 18 years of on/off dating and relationships, that feeling has never gone away. In fact, the more I like them - the worse it gets. My last relationship I think I felt it the most intensely. So even when I was trying to keep busy in my free time, or do my own thing etc. it all felt like I was killing time - waiting for them to reply, or to be free to meet up etc.

From what I glean from therapy and books I've read - it's putting too much of your self-worth into other people. Along with potential co-dependency. All I'll say is that chronic anxiety, waiting and worry is exhausting.

Ed

 

[Aspychata]

I've had problems with feeling like I'm waiting for replies from those I date. In 18 years of on/off dating and relationships, that feeling has never gone away. In fact, the more I like them - the worse it gets. My last relationship I think I felt it the most intensely. So even when I was trying to keep busy in my free time, or do my own thing etc. it all felt like I was killing time - waiting for them to reply, or to be free to meet up etc.

From what I glean from therapy and books I've read - it's putting too much of your self-worth into other people. Along with potential co-dependency. All I'll say is that chronic anxiety, waiting and worry is exhausting.

Ed

Thanks. I struggle with this, but the way you explain it makes perfect sense. So insecurity can rear it's ugly head, and turn us into sniveling two year-olds as we contemplate the relationships worth based on a line of text or someone answering our call promptly. My new year resolution is to put that bad boy to bed, and get on with my life. Plus people who truly care about us don't play games with our emotions.

Codependency does run both ways, to some extent, we all are a little co-dependent, it's just hoping the other doesn't take advantage of that and manipulate us knowing this. If they know you get upset if they don't respond then you come off as more immature and selfish. So l guess you need to step outside of yourself, and follow a path of least resistance.

So the next time they don't respond, perhaps just stop ruminating and think of something else and let fate play out.

 

[Raggamuffin]

@Aspychata I'd recommend watching Gabor Maté on Youtube. He has lots of videos and books too. Seems a lot of this unhealthy attachment has it's roots in childhood, and helps explain our relationships with ourselves, family, friends and partners in adult life.

I've never felt safe in any relationship with someone I dated. I was always waiting for it to implode, or for something to go wrong. But, I've never had a healthy relationship with myself, so by default I suppose any partnership I enter into will always cause issue.

If anything, my anxiety goes up when I'm dating. As does my people pleasing tendencies and other mental health issues. It's a hot mess. Plus, much like myself - I tend to date people who are emotionally unavailable or unstable.

Spicy.

Ed

 

[Aspychata]

I believe l read my favorite book on self sabotage, where we continously set ourselves up for failure in relationships, employment, and probably just acceptance of ourselves. That for some reason, we have deemed ourselves unworthy of success.

As far as attracting other wounded birds to huddle with, l find l learn a lot from these people, and sometimes they are able to use my strengths to better themselves also. A perfect learn learn, win win.

How does this sound to you?

 

[Jordy]

If long spans of time between responses continues i would stop talking to this person.

 

[Ronald Zeeman]

I would give a good ammount of time till the other replies. Possibly wait till they do reply. And if they don't - don't stress on it.

this may have more to do with him being a guy then being on the spectrum.

 

[Swansong]

I say don't play games with these things.

A lot of people have this mentality that you should play hard to get or disinterested or whatever and it's always sound pretty childish to me. If you're interested then make it clear, obviously within reason, there's no point in continuing to insist if the other person repeatedly shows they're not interested. Adults should be straight forward and clear about their thoughts and feelings.

And well, about rejection anxiety, I don't think there's some magical way to make that go away. Just facing things and let it all happen and trying to desensitize yourself from it.

 

[Gerald Wilgus]

I believe l read my favorite book on self sabotage, where we continously set ourselves up for failure in relationships, employment, and probably just acceptance of ourselves. That for some reason, we have deemed ourselves unworthy of success.

As far as attracting other wounded birds to huddle with, l find l learn a lot from these people, and sometimes they are able to use my strengths to better themselves also. A perfect learn learn, win win.

How does this sound to you?

My greatest failure was listening to the voice that told me I was unworthy. Unworthy of connection, unworthy of intimacy, unworthy of a relationship. I thought I throttled that voice, but it's like Marley's chains, here to haunt me more recently.