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How to ask an Aspie out?

C

Cat Smith

Active Member
I am a NT woman, in love with an Aspie man for about a year and I have finally decided I need to confess my feelings as I either need to take this somewhere further or just move on if he is not interested. I'm pretty sure now he likes me but not sure if he is interested in a relationship either with me or anyone(he hasn't been in one for several years).

I would like to ask him to meet up so that I can tell him in person and I will need to do the invitation over text as I there will not be an opportunity to talk in person for quite some time. The thing is, I believe that communication over text is especially hard for him, sometimes he won't even answer if there is no question in the text (but from the NTs point of view, a reply is still expected) or even if there is a question but the kind of a small talk question.
And I'm really trying to understand him and make things easier for him and basically learn the "Aspie dialect" so could you please advise me how to do this invitation thing, what to write so that it is not missunderstood or confusing or anxiety inducing? Should I start with some small talk or go straight to the point? Should I tell him I need to talk to him about something or just ask him if he wants to hang out (we have never hung out just the two of us). Should I suggest a place and time or let him choose?

And then should I just tell him I like him without actually telling him I'm in love so that I don't freak him out?

I apologize for so many questions but I have never asked anyone out before, normally I just smile, maybe flirt a tiny bit if I like someone and the guys do the rest but this one is a tough cookie, very shy and very anxious so even if he likes me back I don't think he would ever make the first move.

Thank you for your answers.
 
You have already posted a couple of threads about this and according to your first post, actually have asked him over unsuccessfully. In 'Aspie dielect' as you put it, no still does mean no.

Cat Smith said:
... But once I invited him over to my place ''for coffee'' which I phrased as ''returning the favor'' (something he helped me with) and he politely declined which would be a pretty strong indicator that an NT is not interested even in anything physical, but as this is the first Aspie I have got to know on more personal level, I am not really sure if I can judge it by same standards...
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It's hard to say. We're all individuals. Some guys hate being directly asked because they always say yes for fear of humiliating their friend.

Maybe avoid small talk, but rather than make an announcement just ask some very leading questions, like maybe ask him if he were to want a girlfriend, what would she be like? What qualities would she have?
 
Well, Aspies are not aliens, we're still people just like yourself. :) Being direct and not using hints or veiled questions would probably be where I would start. If you believe he does like you - but not sure whether he'd want a relationship right now, I guess, start with that. You don't need to share just how strongly you feel for him, but speak plainly, that you like him and would like to meet up for a coffee outside of work to get to know him better. That is quite a simple, but also quite direct way of saying you'd like to be friends outside of being work colleagues.

If he agrees to meet up and if you can maintain that on a frequent basis and have a solid friendship foundation going, then you may broach the question if he'd be interested in taking things a step further. Going too fast, too soon is intimidating for anyone - Aspie or not. :)
 
Look... Aspie or not, "dialect" or not, if he likes you enough in that way and wants to get involved, he WILL come to you. You can try being more verbally direct about your feelings (as in: more than just "hints") but not actually ask him out. See how he responds.

P.S. I don't advise the "we need to talk" approach. Nobody likes that. :laughing::eek:
 
Tom said:
You have already posted a couple of threads about this and according to your first post, actually have asked him over unsuccessfully. In 'Aspie dielect' as you put it, no still does mean no.
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I guess you are right, I think the best I stop seeing him or talking to him and get myself a boyfriend to get over him as this is just wasting time. :-D
 
I probably said the same thing before, but if he's like me, if you're not direct he will never conclude you like him. He might suspect it, but without it being literally said, he'll always find a way to explain it away.
 
You are probably right about just moving on. If he hasn't responded to you in a year, that isnt a good sign.
However, you could send him one last text simply saying you like him and if he wants to go out sometime to give you a call.
Then dont text him again, and don't wait for him to respond either. He probably wont call, but at least you have told him you like him. (dont say love for goodness sake or that you need to talk to him!)
 
Thanks everyone, I have concluded from your answers that the best thing to do is to forget him and have just agreed to be someone else's gf (quick, I know, but no more time wasting I suppose) :-D I'm just a bit sad I won't be able to ever be even a friend again with the Aspie guy because he is such a nice person with a beautiful heart. Oh well, life is life.
 
Juliettaa said:
WOW, that was a quick decision - less than 5 hours :D:D:D

I hope your new relationship works out well for you and doesn't turn out to be a rebound situation.
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Thanks, I know it's quick but two of my ex's recently expressed interest to try again so I decided for one of them. We were together for 12 years, some of those were quite nice, some were horrible so we will see what the future holds.
 
Cat Smith said:
Thanks, I know it's quick but two of my ex's recently expressed interest to try again so I decided for one of them. We were together for 12 years, some of those were quite nice, some were horrible so we will see what the future holds.
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After reading that, I double the luck I wished as it sounds as if you're going to need it.

Your ex's are that status for a reason. Describing 'quite nice' and 'horrible' for the time you spent together would really ring alarm bells for me.

You're settling for too little.

Value yourself. Set the bar higher. 'Quite nice' is a low benchmark.
 
Good grief.
You wrote off Aspie Guy awfully fast considering you have supposedly been in love with him for a year.
I find this confusing...
 
BraidedPony said:
Good grief.
You wrote off Aspie Guy awfully fast considering you have supposedly been in love with him for a year.
I find this confusing...
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It may seem fast but what is the point of holding onto unrequited love. Being with someone else is the best way to fall out of love but it doesn't mean it will happen overnight (it might take years). All of my relationships (well, apart from the first one for of course) have been rebound and I have always been honest about it with the guys and apart from one they all turned to be long-term.
I hope "my" Aspie guy finds his happiness and his perfect lady. Obviously, I'm not the one, but that is life. How does that song go? "You better remember baby, you better not forget. The things you wish with hearts desire, are never ever what you get."
 
Never say never. I haven't been able to tell my aspie's true thoughts until after 1 year of dating and daily honest communication from both sides. Sometimes I had to work hard to have him speak, and harder to understand what he was meaning. Often I thought he hated me and I didn't know why he was dating me. But he actually liked me.
 
Rexi said:
I haven't been able to tell my aspie's true thoughts until after 1 year of dating and daily honest communication from both sides. Sometimes I had to work hard to have him speak, and harder to understand what he was meaning.
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My wife admitted to not understanding some things after 17 years.

All she had to do was ask. She 'assumed'
 
He hated questions and would lash out after a little interview. Id end up crying
 
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