How to ask someone about his Autism (or should I?)

[Confused_NT_girl]

Hi, I am new to this site and decided to post because I felt that asking for advice from NT friends does nothing to help me...because they don't really understand. So I hope someone here can help me out.

I was seeing this guy who at first meeting, mentioned he is Autistic (although indirectly). He has mentioned it a couple more times but I brushed it off each time since my idea about Autism was entirely different and didn't think that was the case with him. I was seeing this man for about two months and none of his quirkiness (and sensitivity to people's comments/jokes...really good memory...lack of facial expression to some of my jokes, lack of facial expression to go with the jokes that he makes...preference in music...difficulty with having roommates...etc) made me think that he was serious about the Autism remarks - I did not know what it really was. There came a point however that I did ask "so, do you?" but he did not respond. In short, there was no confirmation, and everything was going well...until I had to go on a business trip for a 5 weeks.

So... we were supposedly going to video chat my first weekend here, he even got the app that I asked him to download. We were texting about it Friday before that weekend, but I didn't hear from him (this by the way got me started into googling about Autism). No phone call/text after that and this is the 5th week of my trip, I am actually going home in a couple of days. The strange thing about it is I would text/leave him voicemails on the weeks that followed (once or twice a week), just to let him know that I am not mad and I would still like to hear from him, and he would read them and "act on them", but never responds. For example, he deleted the app that weekend that we were supposed to talk, and when I texted him "How come you deleted the app, did you not want me texting you?" He installed it back and would check once in a while but never says anything. I absolutely have no idea if something serious is going on, or he is simply just not interested anymore, or if he is just on "shutdown". But isn't one month too long for a shutdown? (Was I "smothering" him?)

But my concern really is I do not know which one is which: if something serious is going on (that he obviously does not want to talk about), I do not want to bug him too much about it and leave him be, but there's no way for me to find that out. If he is on shutdown, I know that I should not "smother" him, but would it be ok to tell him that I have been reading about Asperger's and somehow let him know that I want to understand him better (perhaps through text), considering there was no confirmation about it? Lastly, I have some of my stuff with him and if he is simply not interested anymore, I just want them back....I did text him about them already but never got a response (he did read them though).

So, sorry for the long post but it is really frustrating. Worst case for me is that I have to get my things back, but I don't know how to make the approach.... HELP!!

 

[SignOfLazarus]

I don't think it's appropriate to ask someone about anything that they do not seriously introduce as a topic of conversation themselves. This pretty much goes for anything.
When you get back, you maybe tell him you want to meet up and ask what is going on with him.
You don't ask what is going on with his autism.

 

[Confused_NT_girl]

Hi SignsOfLazarus, thanks for your reply. The reason why I considered doing this (aside from the fact that I do like him, and really want to understand how it affects him) is because he's had statements like "you don't think I'm weird?" Or "mental illness runs in my family" which seemed to me like it was an open topic - I was not sure so I never asked except for that one time I mentioned. I am a private person and if there's something I don't want to talk about, I don't mention it casually or even give hints to avoid being questioned about it..... I guess I misunderstood :-/

 

[Aspergirl4hire]

Pretty much agree with SignOfLazarus. What I'm reading from your posts is that he's actually scared to death of you, AN ACTUAL GIRL, or maybe "You actually like me? How can you even like me?", you in all your charm, speaking to him. He's conflict-averse and risk-averse, based on what you're written. I can't tell if he's someone who adapts easily to new apps or doesn't like change in general.

It's not all about you. I'm a bit puzzled by the advertising of the autism if he didn't want it, and in context, I think your query wasn't unreasonable. But if he's that afraid, then basically nothing you could have done would have worked for both of you.

Chin up, carry on, life is for living, learning, and loving, and we all need a lot of practice at it.

cheers,
A4H

 

[kyliewyote]

I'm only new at this with a long-distance slowly growing relationship, and Aspergers has not come up, but I think he's on the spectrum.

What I've learned so far:
-- His silence stems from him being shy about contacting me, and I have to do the contacting.
-- At other times, if I email without a question or a prompted response, he will read it as it is. ie, if I just tell him something or send a picture, he will just read it. If I ask a question, he will *sometimes* respond, but not always (sounds like you've asked though)
-- He's very open with me, but I need to instigate gentle questions if a topic is just mildly grazed over.
-- He is incredibly tender, which almost no one else ever gets to see, and all of the reading I've done on this forum and in other suggested books, etc is soooo very true to his situation for past history of him being teased, bullied, etc. That has given him a very self-protective layer that I really try to stay sensitive to. Jokes that would work for NTs don't work for him sometimes. I've noticed he retracts from others at times due to this. He slipped 20 feet down a snowy hill because of a plastic lining over the slope and under the snow, and I laughed, because all I wanted to do was jump on my bum and slide down too, except I was just leaving to the airport and didn't want to be soggy. I then jolted to the realization of how my giggles may have appeared to him, and immediately explained my laugh -- it was not AT him, but only wanting to join the slide. I have become much more aware of my actions, and will immediately explain if I think something didn't come across correctly....(oops, that became a longer side-track...)
-- his comment of "you don't think I'm weird?": I've heard that too, but I've expressed that I embrace his oddities (I actually told him that most people have something odd here and there, but that he was a "conglomerate of oddities" and it made him unique)

Just some insights from an NT-in-the-learning.
I do hope he contacts you...