how to be less negative, or pessimistic.

[chuckintime]

I think because of all the struggles I have gone through trying to fit in and all that, has caused me to become a very negative/pessimistic person. I really don't like it and it really bothers people around me. But i cant seem to change it, its like i always look for the bad thing that could happen in everything. Even talking on this site its always the things that bug me, never whats going good. Anyone else having this problem? is it fairly common? anybody had any luck dealing with it?

 

[Sparticus]

All the time. Reminds of this one guy Toxic Mike, who wherever he goes, Toxic Mike HAS to spill his guts over and over and over to anyone and everyone! Including cashiers at retail stores etc. And Toxic Mike is "always right." The bad thing is Toxic Mike is always spilling negativity on a daily basis including yelling, making others feel guilty, using and abusing people. As a result EVERYONE has run away from Toxic Mike.

I'm not as bad as Toxic Mike but I do have to spill my emotions and what I have been going thru. It can be negative & so I have to watch that because of the harm negativity does to our bodies + not to push others away. My female friend reminds me we need to have more fun & less negativity from me when we talk/our together. She's smart & I agree. In the past I read a lot of motivational positive quotes, bios of famous people & self help books. For me I need to remind myself on a daily basis to be more positive. It's not always easy. I'm struggling with this right now & need to get a more balanced viewpoint on life.

Life could be a lot worse for me. But I'll still bellyache...ack!

I think because of all the struggles I have gone through trying to fit in and all that, has caused me to become a very negative/pessimistic person. I really don't like it and it really bothers people around me. But i cant seem to change it, its like i always look for the bad thing that could happen in everything. Even talking on this site its always the things that bug me, never whats going good. Anyone else having this problem? is it fairly common? anybody had any luck dealing with it?

 

[chuckintime]

It's not always easy. I'm struggling with this right now & need to get a more balanced viewpoint on life.

Yes so true. I think because we are so different we can take a lot of abuse in our youth, and add to that an extremely dysfunctional/abusive household and its easy for your perspective to shift to only see negative, or watch out for more negative coming your way. I think getting a more balanced perspective is exactly what needs to happen.

 

[wyverary]

Cognitive behavioral therapy is centered around catching negative thoughts as they come up and evaluating and re-working them into more constructive thinking. You could find a therapist, but there are also books on the subject that could prove helpful, provided one is open-minded enough to give it a try.

Another thing that could help: Whenever you express negative thoughts on here (or anywhere) (which is not necessarily bad!), go back after a few hours and re-read what you have written, see if you can gain any objectivity by stepping away for a little while.

 

[Licorice]

Since it's a state of mind, just changing your approach can have an effect. I find that highly negative people allow themselves to dwell on a topic, building up outrage, bitterness, and stress, instead of noting it and moving on to something else. For some people venting releases negative emotions, but for others it just helps them focus on and refine those negative feelings into stronger negative feelings.

CBT (Cognitive Behavioral Therapy) is a very good idea, too, but it may be more in-depth and a bigger step up from just stopping the act of dwelling in the first place.

 

[Judge]

I think because of all the struggles I have gone through trying to fit in and all that, has caused me to become a very negative/pessimistic person. I really don't like it and it really bothers people around me. But i cant seem to change it, its like i always look for the bad thing that could happen in everything. Even talking on this site its always the things that bug me, never whats going good. Anyone else having this problem? is it fairly common? anybody had any luck dealing with it?

Guilty as charged. Trying to make a living from the stock market does inherently encourage becoming more optimistic though. But then I don't recommend this sort of "therapy" to much of anyone. I do it to survive...not much else.

Working to develop optimism remains a full-time job for me. But it's an effort I think that is worth it.

 

[erk70]

To me, this is a question of learning new behavior. Which isn't necessarily an easy thing.

I'm thinking like this:

If you want to change your life by finding and solving problems, you will learn all about problems, how they look and how they feel. You will define your world and the situations you are in based on what problems there are and how big they are, and you will probably discover new problems that you have not seen before, or find that problems that initially seemed small, actually is, or has the potential to become, much bigger.

With a focus on problems you can become an expert at finding things that need to be changed, improved, terminated or removed. You learn what to avoid.

If, on the other hand, you choose to change your life by finding and reinforce the things that work, you will learn what solutions look like, how they feel and how their internal machinery work. The more you train yourself to see solutions, the more and better solutions you will discover and you will describe your world in terms of its solutions and potential solutions rather than what problems exists. Most likely you will be surprised by many things that work, how well they work, and how much potential there is for things to work even better.

With a focus on solutions, you become a master at finding things that work, that you want to do even more, or things you can use to make other situations even better. You will learn which situations and people you should approach and what strategies and patterns of behavior you should strengthen.

With a focus on solutions, you get one or a few clear goals to pursue and directions to go. This is seldom or never true when you have a focus on problems. Instead of a few clear goals, you usually end up with an infinite number of directions to go – all leading away from the problem.

End of sermon

 

[chuckintime]

To me, this is a question of learning new behavior. Which isn't necessarily an easy thing.

I'm thinking like this:

If you want to change your life by finding and solving problems, you will learn all about problems, how they look and how they feel. You will define your world and the situations you are in based on what problems there are and how big they are, and you will probably discover new problems that you have not seen before, or find that problems that initially seemed small, actually is, or has the potential to become, much bigger.

With a focus on problems you can become an expert at finding things that need to be changed, improved, terminated or removed. You learn what to avoid.

If, on the other hand, you choose to change your life by finding and reinforce the things that work, you will learn what solutions look like, how they feel and how their internal machinery work. The more you train yourself to see solutions, the more and better solutions you will discover and you will describe your world in terms of its solutions and potential solutions rather than what problems exists. Most likely you will be surprised by many things that work, how well they work, and how much potential there is for things to work even better.

With a focus on solutions, you become a master at finding things that work, that you want to do even more, or things you can use to make other situations even better. You will learn which situations and people you should approach and what strategies and patterns of behavior you should strengthen.

With a focus on solutions, you get one or a few clear goals to pursue and directions to go. This is seldom or never true when you have a focus on problems. Instead of a few clear goals, you usually end up with an infinite number of directions to go – all leading away from the problem.

End of sermon

Wow that has got to be the best way I have ever heard it explained. You put in exactly the terms I need for my brain to get it. People say just cheer up, or think positive. Those are such intangible things it is so difficult. My brain works like a logical computer looking for problems and trying to solve them. Trying to focus more on the solutions and the benefits of said solutions must help at least some with my outlook on things. Sometimes I get so caught up in all the problems im solving I can forget that I am actually solving some of them, there's always another problem to take its place.

 

[Sparticus]

I feel ya & know exactly what you mean. It's a bummer. Sometimes we spend our adult lives trying to overcome childhood abuse & change our perspective on life. Those who never walked in our shoes don't understand.

Yes so true. I think because we are so different we can take a lot of abuse in our youth, and add to that an extremely dysfunctional/abusive household and its easy for your perspective to shift to only see negative, or watch out for more negative coming your way. I think getting a more balanced perspective is exactly what needs to happen.

 

[erk70]

Wow that has got to be the best way I have ever heard it explained. You put in exactly the terms I need for my brain to get it. People say just cheer up, or think positive. Those are such intangible things it is so difficult. My brain works like a logical computer looking for problems and trying to solve them. Trying to focus more on the solutions and the benefits of said solutions must help at least some with my outlook on things. Sometimes I get so caught up in all the problems im solving I can forget that I am actually solving some of them, there's always another problem to take its place.

Thank you! I think that one's been brewing for a couple of decades! Sometimes it seems to take a lot of time for me to figure things out... but hey, that's my process!

I've heard the expression, if you solve one problem you have a handful new problems... so whenever you're bumping into new problems... congratulations! You've probably solved old ones ...

 

[erk70]

Here's a practical tip to get you going.

Look at your behaviors and divide them into those you want to do more, and those you want to do differently.

Don't worry too much about the "do differently" part... in my experience the solution is always "out there" somewhere (not as in "out there" in X-files sense, but that the solution exists in your daily situations, or that people you know may have solved them, that you can redefine the problem or something similar).

Just be on the lookout for new ways to do things that doesn't work.

This of course means you'll have to change things... but if you're like me, you're probably only objecting to unnecessary change... changing things that you've defined you need to do differently is hardly unnecessary ...

 

[erk70]

I feel ya & know exactly what you mean. It's a bummer. Sometimes we spend our adult lives trying to overcome childhood abuse & change our perspective on life. Those who never walked in our shoes don't understand.

With respect to childhood abuse, I've always been helped by something Dr. Phil wrote in one of his books.

You should forgive people that's done you wrong, not necessarily because they deserve it, but because you deserve it.

By forgiving, you let go of the hold of the past. Once you've forgiven people from your past you can truly feel that you're "past that" and able to go on with your life.

As long as you do not forgive you have an emotional bond to your past that holds you back and that keep bringing up the old pains.

Forgiving can feel morally wrong, or unjust to yourself - your pain deserves to be heard and seen - but done as an act let go and go on, it becomes something you do for yourself.

 

[chuckintime]

I like the way you think, but I don't really hold a grudge. I forgive whats been done, mostly because of what you said, being angry about it doesn't help me any. what I meant more was the lasting, semi-permanent effects the abuse has on a child or youth. like anxiety or problems with authority etc... And I say semi-permanent because if left alone it will be permanent but if you really push yourself you can change some of it.

 

[chuckintime]

You have some great ideas, Im getting a little better at behaviors I want to do more, It started about 2 years ago with just saying hi to random people everywhere. it was awkward at first, cuz id say "hi", then people would respond "hi" back "how are you" I would respond with "good"... and then just silence. it was like my brain couldn't figure out that I should ask them how they are doing, just staring at them like they should be saying something but really im the one in the dark. now at least 50% of the time I will remember to ask how they are. sometimes it takes me a while and there will be an awkward pause. but its slowly improving. Is that part of the aspergers? or am I just a little slow sometimes.

 

[Banquo]

There has been some very eloquent and well reasoned advise here especially from erk70. I am not sure I can add anything of value, but here goes.

When I start looking at a situation I always try to look where I want to be at the end.

For example when I am down, what I initially want to achieve is to relieve that weight, but when I think deeper I want to do this without bringing anyone else down. This makes me a more reasonable poster and often takes away the sting, immediately I am being more positive.

When I am trying to persuade someone of my point of view I initially want to win but when I think deeper I actually want them on my side, not because I bullied them into submission but because they genuinely agree. Because this makes me less caustic and abrasive I don't seem to mind as much when I don't win.

I suppose in a tangential and hot-air sort of way I am trying to say that I try to think about where negativity will get me and realise that a more balanced approach will get me nearer my goal.

 

[chuckintime]

That's a big problem for me as well banquo. I always try to persuade everyone to agree with me. Im not even sure why I try so hard. It really makes no difference to me in the end. It must be a compulsion of sorts, because even when I realize its happening, I still cant stop myself most of the time. I have to completely leave the situation sometimes. Speaking of changing behaviours that is one I really NEED to change.

 

[erk70]

That's a big problem for me as well banquo. I always try to persuade everyone to agree with me. Im not even sure why I try so hard. It really makes no difference to me in the end. It must be a compulsion of sorts, because even when I realize its happening, I still cant stop myself most of the time. I have to completely leave the situation sometimes. Speaking of changing behaviours that is one I really NEED to change.

Me three!

I was in a situation at lunch just the other day where we were discussing something tangentially work related. It took me a while to realize that I was in a conflict of sorts with the other people, however, as soon as I did, I took stock of the situation and realized I had to accept that they had a different view from mine and I also had to accept we were at lunch and not actually supposed to have a project meeting or something like that.

Taking a step back and looking at the situation and the topic I realized that it wasn't really so important. Which also helped.

When I try to persuade someone even though I feel it isn't necessarily important, I try to use acceptance. I ask myself, does it harm our relation severely, or can we agree to disagree?

That's something me and my best friend does from time to time, we're still best friends! We actually say, "let's agree to disagree on this" and then we go on to other things. I feel, since we both agree, the topic is finished and I am satisfied we have an understanding of sorts. (And we're seldom disagreeing on big things, it's small details in computer science, history, or some other theoretical subject...)

I accept a lot of compromises and "defeats" in order to save my energy for the really important issues. I have a handful. That way I also have an easier time not getting into conflicts all the time... although I'm not always realizing it off the bat... I think people that know me know to wait for me to have the "aha" moment when I realize we're not going to be agreeing.

And I think that makes it easier for people to accept that I sometimes go on a rant. They know it won't last forever

 

[chuckintime]

I think I have been oblivious to the way people perceive me for years... I think somewhere inside theres a piece of me that enjoys the debate, but others don't see it that way... apparently. Also my energy level is high and I feel like Im being like happy excited, but people seem to be perceiving it as hostile excited, sometimes even scares people(when this happens I have usually made the situation worse by not picking up on the way the other person feels, even if they vocalize it. Because Hey Im just happy excited, how could you possibly be scared? Im not sure why this is, how can I have such a different viewpoint.

 

[Judge]

That's a big problem for me as well banquo. I always try to persuade everyone to agree with me. Im not even sure why I try so hard. It really makes no difference to me in the end. It must be a compulsion of sorts, because even when I realize its happening, I still cant stop myself most of the time. I have to completely leave the situation sometimes. Speaking of changing behaviours that is one I really NEED to change.

I get that as well on occasion. It's complicated to say the least. It doesn't help that in my own observations, Neurotypicals often care more about how one says something than what is actually being said. It's a departure from logic that I may never fully understand.

In some ways it does explain a great deal about some of society's peculiarities. That it's not so much about who builds a better mousetrap, but who can best market a mediocre mousetrap. I'd think this would prove to be a very frustrating dynamic for most Aspies.

 

[lazaro.rafael]

Visualize what you have to offer, what does best, what you like more, and focus on it, do it, be it.
Approaches and be friends with people to help and do not topple, people build a better environment.
It's a good start, when you start to feel better, will know what direction to take.