How to be Likeable.

[Cryptid]

First Rule of Relationships: To be liked, you must first be likeable.

Simple, eh? Not for some, especially those who struggle with finding that "Special Someone" with whom to share a long-term, loving relationship based on mutual respect and trust. For those people, I present the highlights of three helpful articles, and links to those same articles as well.

Qualities of Likeable People:

• They are consistent.
• They are genuine.
• They are NOT looking to "convert" anyone.
• They are positive.
• They are secure in their own identities.
• They ask the important questions.
• They balance passion and fun.
• They do NOT compete.
• They do NOT judge.
• They do NOT project their issues onto whatever or whomever is in front of them.
• They do NOT seek attention.
• They do NOT settle for small talk.
• They do NOT shy away.
• They do NOT try to elicit emotional reactions from others.
• They focus on the big picture.
• They genuinely like people.
• They greet people by name.
• They know when to open up.
• They know who to touch (and they touch them).
• They leave a strong first impression.
• They look you in the eye.
• They make an effort to understand others, NOT to place themselves above them.
• They provide value.
• They put away their phones.
• They smile.
• They speak with precision.
• They use positive body language.
• They validate other people's emotions, even if they do NOT agree with them.
• They work on improving themselves.

Extracted from the following articles:

10 Traits of Likeable People

12 Qualities Of People Who Are Naturally Likeable And Authentic

13 Habits of Exceptionally Likeable People

Now, I am anticipating a slew of people replying with posts like, "Yeah, but nobody likes me anyway", "Yeah, but none of those would never work for me", "Yeah, but I tried once and it didn't work, so I stopped trying", "Yeah, but my detractors don't want me to have friends", and "Yeah, but I am __ years old and it is too late for me."

Please don't. No one is interested in excuses, especially lame ones.

If you lack friends, then I suggest reading the articles and seriously applying their contents to your own life. Or not. The choice is yours. Choose wisely.

Thank you.

 

[Aspychata]

I never try to be likeable around people l don't like. Of course we could always list all the qualities of unlikable people but that probably would be a 1000 posts.

 

[Cryptid]

Of course we could always list all the qualities of unlikable people but that probably would be a 1000 posts.

In addition to the ones already posted? Please don't. I think we all know a few unlikable people.

 

[Slime_Punk]

Conversational skills are probably the ones I'd put at the top of the list. I'm kind of surprised that the articles didn't mention them, since they're usually impactful enough to land people jobs, dates, and more. First impressions are unfortunately really important in certain scenarios (possibly even all of them).

Small talk is a much bigger deal than people like to make it out to be, too. Ask anyone with ASD what kind of looks they got when they fumbled an unprepared answer to "How's the weather?" and you might get an idea of just how important it can be to your average NT. Fail that test, and you might not get another test

I do like the optimistic tone of these articles, but sometimes I feel like they're missing the things that actually matter

 

[Cryptid]

↑ It is also fair to note that none of the articles mention such "normal" traits as living on one's own, having regular full-time employment, owning a car, and having lots of "extra" money in the bank. Nor do they mention tertiary traits like playing an instrument, being able to draw and paint "lots of happy trees", baking and cooking, or being part of civic theatre (e.g., things that worked for me).

HOWEVER, you can have home, job, transportation, and wealth and still be unlikable -- just think of opposites to the first five traits in my OP -- They are inconsistent . . . They are phony . . . They are looking to "convert" someone into a friend . . . They are always negative (in their words and attitudes) . . . They are insecure -- definitely traits of someone I would NOT like.

And by the way, the list is not an "All or Nothing" set of traits, but the more of these traits a person has, the more likable they will be.

 

[Aspychata]

A friend doesn't have any hidden agendas. I always run into types who act like l am their friend but they are always steering me on who to date, and who not to date. And l end up wondering why my dating or lack of dating seems to occupy so many people's thoughts. Who cares, even though l am fully involved in a full-time relationship, they still are running the same conversation with me. It's so confusing. The last conversation was, she is on bumble. And l think good for her, but no thanks. I am on slumber then l wake up, enjoy java, wash and clean duties, and fret about my hair. We just a had a second Trader Joe's open up. And a second grocery health store is also opening up, time to buy groceries. No bumble, no tinder, no grinder, no swiping left or right. Just a friend without agendas. Great friends aren't running hidden agendas on you.

 

[Rodafina]

First Rule of Relationships: To be liked, you must first be likeable.

Simple, eh? Not for some, especially those who struggle with finding that "Special Someone" with whom to share a long-term, loving relationship based on mutual respect and trust. For those people, I present the highlights of three helpful articles, and links to those same articles as well.

Qualities of Likeable People:

• They are consistent.
• They are genuine.
• They are NOT looking to "convert" anyone.
• They are positive.
• They are secure in their own identities.
• They ask the important questions.
• They balance passion and fun.
• They do NOT compete.
• They do NOT judge.
• They do NOT project their issues onto whatever or whomever is in front of them.
• They do NOT seek attention.
• They do NOT settle for small talk.
• They do NOT shy away.
• They do NOT try to elicit emotional reactions from others.
• They focus on the big picture.
• They genuinely like people.
• They greet people by name.
• They know when to open up.
• They know who to touch (and they touch them).
• They leave a strong first impression.
• They look you in the eye.
• They make an effort to understand others, NOT to place themselves above them.
• They provide value.
• They put away their phones.
• They smile.
• They speak with precision.
• They use positive body language.
• They validate other people's emotions, even if they do NOT agree with them.
• They work on improving themselves.

Extracted from the following articles:

10 Traits of Likeable People

12 Qualities Of People Who Are Naturally Likeable And Authentic

13 Habits of Exceptionally Likeable People

That's a whole lot of things to remember if they don't come naturally.

I spent the first 40 years of my life trying to be likeable and this lead to being surrounded by people who didn't even know me. (False relationships.)

I spent the last 3 years trying to find acceptance, and I have finally found my people who let me just be myself. (True relationships.)

For the next 40 years, I'm going to go with authenticity and acceptance. Likeability does not have to be a stagnant thing. We all do things that some others will like and some others will not.

Nevertheless, I appreciate that likeability is a skill that can bring certain benefits into one's life. If one is wanting friends, it is not a bad idea to use information (like that provided above) to try to learn how to achieve this goal. Ultimately, it can be a survival skill as humans really weren't crafted to survive in isolation. I think to some extent likeability can be learned, but it must occur in conjunction with authentic expression of one's self. (No one in this thread or the articles insinuated one must pretend, I'm just sharing my opinion as someone who took the concept of "becoming likeable" way too far.)

 

[Hypnalis]

@Cryptid

Nice post!

A lot of those things can be learned or improved upon (speaking from experience here). Which means it's a potentially very useful topic for ASDs.

I don't have the patience for this kind of thing (and probably not the skills either but I think it would be a good thing to keep the overall topic active indefinitely (not necessarily in one long thread OFC).

 

[Raggamuffin]

Supposedly I am very likeable in real life. But it didn't do much to quell the persistent loneliness in my life.

Ed

 

[Suzanne]

I have actually been told that I am a very likeable person and I am very careful what I say and even inject a little humor, but only a few actually do like me.

Sadly and embarrassingly, a lot is jealousy I think. I mean, I am told I am very pretty looking, but in truth, just cannot see it when I look in the mirror. At most I see somewhat ok looking ie average, but judging by what others say about me, I can only come to some sort of distasteful conclusion, that many females are jealous and for that, I wish so much to say: there is no need to be? I am a nobody!

Ah, but of course, you will see that as an excuse, perhaps?

 

[Masked Man]

I love this list and absolutely agree. Social skills is something that can be learned and improved upon. And you have to practice over and over to get good at it.

I also ran across this post on Reddit, which I agreed with. You need to find a social circle - this includes men and women of all ages. Because you need to learn to just talk to people - any and all people.

Aside from mental health, the number one obstacle for people is this sub isn't dating apps, haircuts, muscles or height: it's social circle and/or social skills. And there's no getting around it.​

https://www.reddit.com/r/IncelExit/comments/174r08j

.​

 

[Aspychata]

@Suzanne , l totally understand this. I have had some horrible experiences with woman in jobs who became very jealous, or accusing me of sleeping with their husband. Which l would understand about 20 years ago, but at my current age, it is hard. Then l lost my last job because l won't state the reason but it involved a married board member who felt l owed him l guess. But back to the topic of friends, and woman have a tough time too making friends.

 

[LadyS]

So I try not to be negative on helpful posts but in this case my experience paints an alternative picture. I look at that list and think those are things that make others more "likable" to me sure, but it doesn't account for those who treat socializing as a game and are good at it.

I know way too many people who are "likable", as in they make friends easily, have no real enemies, and are sociable but do not follow a lot of the traits listed.

They aren't genuine (but fake), not secure in their identity (because their identity lies in validation from others and some know how to massage egos to get it and that's enough for them), they are covertly competitive (especially socially), they seek attention (and usually get it because they know to manipulate weaker minds), experts at small talk (this does well enough for the certain personalities who don't care to talk about the big picture), they may not openly judge but they secretly do. Etc.

I guess this is just my cynical side as I've grown up in a very social community and competitive.. and many in my family are like that unfortunately. I know it's probably not like this everywhere but social media sometimes proves that some people aren't looking for genuine anymore, but more of a facade.

I guess I'd also add that if you are seeking more friends and likability to be sure you find the right people too if that matters. Reading others are just as important as working on yourself.

 

[Tony Ramirez]

I'm not likable by single woman. I was told that here and I seen it in public places. Only married and taken women like me as a friend or acquaintance and talk to me. Even when I been positive I got the same outcome. Even when I better myself and lost a lot of weight it did not matter. Even when I groomed myself no difference.

 

[Masked Man]

What hobbies do you have that are solitary? In other words, what sorts of things do you do that make you happy that do not necessarily involve being involved with other people?

 

[Tony Ramirez]

What hobbies do you have that are solitary? In other words, what sorts of things do you do that make you happy that do not necessarily involve being involved with other people?

Besides watching questionable videos I have downloaded which lately have not bring me out of depression either. Nothing really. TV shows make me depressed when the characters eventually couple up in a series I'm watching like Futurama which I stopped.

 

[Masked Man]

Besides watching questionable videos I have downloaded which lately have not bring me out of depression either. Nothing really. TV shows make me depressed when the characters eventually couple up in a series I'm watching like Futurama which I stopped.

So you're obsessing. That's going to drive you mad. You have to find a way to stop doing that.

You can still care about this - but it should not be driving you mad like this.

Another person can't fix your madness. You have to figure out how to do it.

 

[Cryptid]

I'm not likable by single woman. I was told that here and I seen it in public places. Only married and taken women like me as a friend or acquaintance and talk to me. Even when I been positive I got the same outcome. Even when I better myself and lost a lot of weight it did not matter. Even when I groomed myself no difference.

Lots of covert "Yeah, but . . ." statements in there. And while I did not post anything about grooming and hygiene, they are important, too. But this thread is about how personality and behavior affect one's attractiveness.

Have you ever taken note about how attractive people behave, or are you too hung up on appearance?

 

[darangal]

I don't like the idea of likeable here. Everyone is likeable.
Isn't the whole point of being likeable to be charismatic and charming?

Being authentic, reading situations, reading people, and responding appropriately can all be part of it unless you're a psychopath in which case scratch the first one .

I'd really like to read more about body language, mindset learning/unlearning, the subtleties of cadence, emotional management, empathy, and forming deep social bonds.

Big things for me learning a reflexive smile, relaxed posture, natural positive/excited attitude toward anyone I talk to.

A really big issue, just not motivated to make friends.
Totally desperate for deep connection though........ funny how life works out sometimes.

 

[Lightswitch411]

First Rule of Relationships: To be liked, you must first be likeable.

Simple, eh? Not for some, especially those who struggle with finding that "Special Someone" with whom to share a long-term, loving relationship based on mutual respect and trust. For those people, I present the highlights of three helpful articles, and links to those same articles as well.

Qualities of Likeable People:

• They are consistent.
• They are genuine.
• They are NOT looking to "convert" anyone.
• They are positive.
• They are secure in their own identities.
• They ask the important questions.
• They balance passion and fun.
• They do NOT compete.
• They do NOT judge.
• They do NOT project their issues onto whatever or whomever is in front of them.
• They do NOT seek attention.
• They do NOT settle for small talk.
• They do NOT shy away.
• They do NOT try to elicit emotional reactions from others.
• They focus on the big picture.
• They genuinely like people.
• They greet people by name.
• They know when to open up.
• They know who to touch (and they touch them).
• They leave a strong first impression.
• They look you in the eye.
• They make an effort to understand others, NOT to place themselves above them.
• They provide value.
• They put away their phones.
• They smile.
• They speak with precision.
• They use positive body language.
• They validate other people's emotions, even if they do NOT agree with them.
• They work on improving themselves.

Extracted from the following articles:

10 Traits of Likeable People

12 Qualities Of People Who Are Naturally Likeable And Authentic

13 Habits of Exceptionally Likeable People

Now, I am anticipating a slew of people replying with posts like, "Yeah, but nobody likes me anyway", "Yeah, but none of those would never work for me", "Yeah, but I tried once and it didn't work, so I stopped trying", "Yeah, but my detractors don't want me to have friends", and "Yeah, but I am __ years old and it is too late for me."

Please don't. No one is interested in excuses, especially lame ones.

If you lack friends, then I suggest reading the articles and seriously applying their contents to your own life. Or not. The choice is yours. Choose wisely.

Thank you

First Rule of Relationships: To be liked, you must first be likeable.

Simple, eh? Not for some, especially those who struggle with finding that "Special Someone" with whom to share a long-term, loving relationship based on mutual respect and trust. For those people, I present the highlights of three helpful articles, and links to those same articles as well.

Qualities of Likeable People:

• They are consistent.
• They are genuine.
• They are NOT looking to "convert" anyone.
• They are positive.
• They are secure in their own identities.
• They ask the important questions.
• They balance passion and fun.
• They do NOT compete.
• They do NOT judge.
• They do NOT project their issues onto whatever or whomever is in front of them.
• They do NOT seek attention.
• They do NOT settle for small talk.
• They do NOT shy away.
• They do NOT try to elicit emotional reactions from others.
• They focus on the big picture.
• They genuinely like people.
• They greet people by name.
• They know when to open up.
• They know who to touch (and they touch them).
• They leave a strong first impression.
• They look you in the eye.
• They make an effort to understand others, NOT to place themselves above them.
• They provide value.
• They put away their phones.
• They smile.
• They speak with precision.
• They use positive body language.
• They validate other people's emotions, even if they do NOT agree with them.
• They work on improving themselves.

Extracted from the following articles:

10 Traits of Likeable People

12 Qualities Of People Who Are Naturally Likeable And Authentic

13 Habits of Exceptionally Likeable People

Now, I am anticipating a slew of people replying with posts like, "Yeah, but nobody likes me anyway", "Yeah, but none of those would never work for me", "Yeah, but I tried once and it didn't work, so I stopped trying", "Yeah, but my detractors don't want me to have friends", and "Yeah, but I am __ years old and it is too late for me."

Please don't. No one is interested in excuses, especially lame ones.

If you lack friends, then I suggest reading the articles and seriously applying their contents to your own life. Or not. The choice is yours. Choose wisely.

Thank you.

Brianna Wiest "12 Qualities..." plagiarized Travis Bradberry "13 Habits..." They're the same article! Seriously, who would independently write an article where "They put away their phones" would be a thing for two different writers? Haha.