How to deal with grief

[Robby]

I had an aunt who was very special to me. She and I were very close. She was like a second grandma to me. She was the most unselfish caring person I ever knew. I knew she had my back no matter what. She passed away in 2011 from kidney failure. I usually am a pretty strong person, and am not the type to dwell on sadness or grief, but nothing was more painful than losing her. I saw her in her final days, she suffered quite a bit unfortunately, she had severe pain. That was very painful. I knew it was bad but I didn't want to see that she was dying. Ever since I was born she was there, never missed a birthday, cards, congratulations, presents, etc, but mostly just knowing she was in my corner no matter what. I was a very withdrawn shy kid & having her helped me so much. I'm not a religious person, although I believe in God or a higher power, & I dream about her & sense her a lot. Not sure what that means. But I think about her every single day. I've gone on with my life as best I can, I'm dealing with a lot of my own issues. But I just miss her so much. I know she would want me to live a full happy life & would probably tell me don't waste your time feeling sad about me but I just can't help it. It's been almost 4 years, but the pain is still substantial. I'm able to compartmentalize it a lot, I'm usually not one to burst out crying that's just not me, but I just feel sad and miss her so much. I hear her voice & her sayings all the time in my head. How can I get past this sadness over losing her? I know I'll never have anyone as special as she was to me.

 

[tree]

I don't know how you can get past your sadness over losing her.

I can tell you what I have done in a circumstance like yours.
I wrote. Not about sadness exactly. And definitely not cheerleader type
rainbow lollypop stuff.
I made a list of all the situations in which I missed the loved one.
I kept a notebook of dreams (any dreams I had, not just those concerning the missing one).

This sounds silly, to me, as I am writing it.
Why would I expect anyone to find comfort this way?

I never saw any "self help" books saying, make a list of your sorrowful situations.
It helped me, though. The list was a real object. I could look at it. It gave a place for some
thoughts to be. It did not eliminate the thoughts, but I could regard the list as a document/reality/thing
outside myself that was real. The feelings/thoughts were not just floating around in me, surging up.

What can you do that uses her sayings?
Would there be any satisfaction donating your time or skills in a volunteer position?
Practical (with people)/clerical/artistic/musical/dance-------

Again, I acknowledge that I do not know how you can get beyond your sadness.
Maybe you could also look into yourself to see what story you are telling yourself about
her being gone. That self examination could tell you something useful.

 

[Mia]

I think grief is with you for your lifetime. People think of a person more depending on how meaningful or connected they were to you. I lost a parent more than ten years ago, and think of him daily, but not every spare moment as I used to. Tend towards celebrating his birthday and his triumphs in life, to remember him by.

Sometimes I talk to him and ask his advice, his opinion, and I know he's not there, but he lives in my memory and likely will forever. I'm not as melancholy as I used to be that he's not in my life, I'm glad I knew someone like him.

 

[tree]

Mia
"I think grief is with you for your lifetime."

I think that is true.
Generally the pain is not so intense as time passes,
but the feeling of sadness/loss remains accessible.

Part of how I used the 'documentation' technique [the list of situations
in which I felt the loss] was over time. I could see that although the
presence could not return to me, every instance in which I missed her
was not as painful as previously. The pain was still there, but not as
sharp. And it did not seem to me to be a betrayal of or diminishing of
the affection we had shared.

 

[Adora]

I lost my dad to a pulmonary embolism back in 2007,and for a while I burst into tears every time I thought of him,my dad and I relationship wasn't the best but not long before he passed we did bond more,you will always grieve but it does get better in time I still have my moments when I still miss my dad but it's does get easier as the years go by.

 

[Neramo]

Want to remind you of two things, before you read the rest of my post. If you love someone so much that it hurts when you loose them, than it's ok. That just means you loved the person. Give it time. After awhile you'll be able to remember the person with good memories, and feel good about it. And remember the person you lost, would like you to be happy. Dying is actually naturally, so please don't make it too personally.

Try talking to someone, even if just on this forum, so i think you already doing something that might help. If it helps, try talking to yourself, imaging your talking to someone else, atleast seemed to help me. Actually anything that seems to help. Tbh, i think the only thing that helps is time. But if it's too hard for you, try chatting with someone here, or contiune writing posts here. Talking to someone who knows what your going through usually helps.

In my case, trying to keep normal rutines helped. Going back to work and meeting people helped a bit. Don't rush it though. if something makes you sad, keep away till your strong enough. Video games helped me alot with my grief of loosing a best friend, but it dephens on the game. Just find something that makes you feel better. And don't worry if your solution makes you forget about your friend at times. You'll remember the good parts when your ready for it.

Most important, just remember that your grief is just a sign that you loved the person. Whether you were friends or not at the moment the person died, don't mean that you didn't love each other. If people causes you grief when they dies, it would most likely be the other way around too. Remember the good times is what i think is most important. When it comes to bad times, everyone has them. Don't think anyone got only good times with people they known for a long time.

And remember this. Many people on this forum has gone through the same, and would like to help you. Your not alone with your feelings. I think your already doing something that can help you, by writing this post.