How to deal with having a neurotypical partner who doesn’t understand your deep emotions?

[shadowmyl]

Hello everyone. I am an autistic 19 year old university student and have been with my neurotypical boyfriend for more than a year now.

Throughout our relationship, the most common issue we have is that I feel very deeply and oftentimes cannot control how big my emotions are or how to control them. This goes for sadness, hopelessness, anger, and even love.
However, my boyfriend is less emotional and he cannot relate. Usually, he is supportive and comforting, even patient with me. He taught me how to communicate my feelings because I have kept them for myself only my whole life.

Nonetheless, today we had a big argument. I have recently been feeling very burnt out and during our hang out day, I couldn’t stop from feeling down and I cried a lot. However, it is tough to explain how it feels to feel completely stripped out of your skills and how it feels to feel hopeless in such a way. I felt like I ruined the day by crying so much and it must have been hard for him to deal with. So, in the end, I didn’t want to burden him with my feelings and repressed everything, but he got angry and I was crying and nonverbal and we parted ways in a bad situation and upset, which I hate.

I feel sorry because my emotions and feelings are too hard to handle and I was putting that on him, which I feel is unfair and must be hard to relate or understand for him. On the other hand, I cannot control these feelings and they affect my whole life. I have tried for a long time now to learn how to deal with it so it wouldn’t affect him too much but it’s something that is so hard for me to fix. How can I fix something that I have been dealing with for my whole life, that is so hard to handle and that is unfortunately a part of me, by myself?

I don’t want to put that on him and burden him but he is the only person that I have been able to rely on and open up to ever, and it was so isolating before meeting him. I feel so exhausted from everything but he is my everything and without him I feel so much worse.
Sometimes I wish I wasn’t the way I am, I wish I could have normal feelings and a normal brain without causing so much problems for everyone around me.

So I’m asking for help, is there any way to regulate or tone down those heavy, big emotions that I feel on the daily so it doesn’t have to affect my boyfriend? Or some ways I could cope with it or explain it all to him?
I fear of losing him but I fear of losing myself too if I repress everything.

Thank you very much.

 

[Tired]

So, in the end, I didn’t want to burden him with my feelings and repressed everything, but he got angry

Do I understand correctly, that he got angry of you hiding your real emotions? Or he got angry at you for crying the whole day?

 

[shadowmyl]

Do I understand correctly, that he got angry of you hiding your real emotions? Or he got angry at you for crying the whole day?

Hi. I’m not sure because I did not ask and was unable to talk. He just kind of started acting cold so seeing him angry at me made me cry more, and asked me in an angry-tone why I was crying again, so maybe the second one?

 

[Tired]

Hi. I’m not sure because I did not ask and was unable to talk. He just kind of started acting cold so seeing him angry at me made me cry more, and asked me in an angry-tone why I was crying again, so maybe the second one?

I am sure that he is angry, but the question is why. Is he angry at you because he’s tired of you being this way? Or is he angry at himself, feeling useless and hopeless because, despite so much time passing, you still feel this way and he can’t help?

It’s incredibly hard to see a loved one struggle and not know how to help. It’s also challenging for you because it seems he doesn’t understand that you experience your emotions differently from him.

I don’t have specific advice for dealing with him, but I think you should talk to him directly about this. You also need to learn that you can and will move on if your relationship ends. Of course, it will be hard and painful, but it’s important to learn how to be happy, calm, and content on your own. This way, if problems arise in your relationship, you won’t feel as though your world is ending and that you’ll be forever alone.

Additionally, do you see a therapist? Have you considered couples therapy, especially with a therapist who has experience with autism?

 

[Neonatal RRT]

For many people, they need to have that emotional outlet. Sometimes it's a group of friends, sometimes it's going to the gym and getting in an intense workout, sometimes it's professional help.

There are others, that are all about self-discipline and self-control. They may seem cold and without empathy, and that may be. However, there are others that act this way and feel things quite deeply, like in the case of alexithymia. They have a difficult time with emotional regulation, either 100% on or off, and it is often embarrassing and socially inappropriate, so they simply repress and push it all down, showing little emotion at all. There are others that are primarily logically oriented, and their emotional centers are only working in the background, and rarely seen.

Now, in your case, I will put myself in his shoes here. I can put up with only so much emotional chaos in my life. I seek peace and tranquility. My wife is my sanctuary, whom I seek out to calm down. If I were to come home to emotional chaos on a frequent basis, I might last a week or two, if that. It would be a deal breaker for me. I simply do not have the patience or personality to deal with that.

Having said that, I am thinking his reaction may be more of his own mental exhaustion.

Sorry, no answers or help here, but perhaps some understanding from his perspective. At some point, you need to find those quiet moments where you can calmly discuss things and perhaps come up with some coping strategies.

 

[shadowmyl]

I am sure that he is angry, but the question is why. Is he angry at you because he’s tired of you being this way? Or is he angry at himself, feeling useless and hopeless because, despite so much time passing, you still feel this way and he can’t help?

It’s incredibly hard to see a loved one struggle and not know how to help. It’s also challenging for you because it seems he doesn’t understand that you experience your emotions differently from him.

I don’t have specific advice for dealing with him, but I think you should talk to him directly about this. You also need to learn that you can and will move on if your relationship ends. Of course, it will be hard and painful, but it’s important to learn how to be happy, calm, and content on your own. This way, if problems arise in your relationship, you won’t feel as though your world is ending and that you’ll be forever alone.

Additionally, do you see a therapist? Have you considered couples therapy, especially with a therapist who has experience with autism?

Thank you very much for your response.
Yes, we always talk about our arguments and communicate how we felt, but as this happened so recently we have not had the time to yet.
My concern was rather how to deal with my emotions so that I do not burden him with it, or how to cope with it healthily. Rather than advice with him, I’m more seeking for advice on how to improve myself.

I’m also asking this here because I do not have the resources to see a therapist at the moment and I thought maybe someone in a similar case with more experience might be able to relate to my situation.

I know depending on someone too much is unhealthy and I am usually really content by myself, but when I am in burnout or really emotionally down like today, I rely on him a lot. It’s just that as I was already exceptionally feeling really low, the thought of not having him to support me as he usually does is really hard for me.
Hope this is more clear, thanks again

 

[shadowmyl]

For many people, they need to have that emotional outlet. Sometimes it's a group of friends, sometimes it's going to the gym and getting in an intense workout, sometimes it's professional help.

There are others, that are all about self-discipline and self-control. They may seem cold and without empathy, and that may be. However, there are others that act this way and feel things quite deeply, like in the case of alexithymia. They have a difficult time with emotional regulation, either 100% on or off, and it is often embarrassing and socially inappropriate, so they simply repress and push it all down, showing little emotion at all. There are others that are primarily logically oriented, and their emotional centers are only working in the background, and rarely seen.

Now, in your case, I will put myself in his shoes here, but I can put up with only so much emotional chaos in my life. I seek peace and tranquility. My wife is my sanctuary, whom I seek out to calm down. If I were to come home to emotional chaos on a frequent basis, I might last a week or two, if that. It would be a deal breaker for me. I simply do not have the patience or personality to deal with that.

Having said that, I am thinking his reaction may be more of his own mental exhaustion.

Sorry, no answers or help here, but perhaps some understanding from his perspective. At some point, you need to find those quiet moments where you can calmly discuss things and perhaps come up with some coping strategies.

Hi, thanks a lot for your reply.
I agree with what you said and see your point of view. Of course, I put myself in his situation and that is also why I feel so bad and am seeking advice here.
I am not always an emotional chaos, as this is a rare occasion that only happens when I am really mentally exhausted from everything, and rely on him for comfort.

My intention here was precisely to recognize my fault and try to find coping strategies to avoid overwhelming him with my emotions. But on the other hand, how I feel deeply is something I cannot control and is probably a curse but unfortunately a part of me. I also seek peace and tranquility. But it’s hard to find when my brain works in such a way that it’s hard to regulate my emotions.
I want to improve myself to be better for him, as I currently haven’t found coping strategies that work well enough for me. Maybe it’s hard to relate for you, and that’s understandable, but it’s something I cannot change.

Thanks again for your time and perspective.

 

[Neonatal RRT]

this is a rare occasion that only happens when I am really mentally exhausted from everything, and rely on him for comfort.

try to find coping strategies to avoid overwhelming him with my emotions. I also seek peace and tranquility. But it’s hard to find when my brain works in such a way that it’s hard to regulate my emotions.
I want to improve myself to be better for him, as I currently haven’t found coping strategies that work well enough for me. Maybe it’s hard to relate for you, and that’s understandable, but it’s something I cannot change.

Thanks again for your time and perspective.

So, this might be a place to start. You're 19, you're still young. I don't mean this in any sort of derogatory way, but more in a practical, realistic way. Sometimes you don't know what you don't know yet and dealing with an autistic condition as an adult takes decades. Most of us "old farts" have been through all of this, made our mistakes, and can look at these things with some degree of wisdom.

Address strategies to avoid the mental exhaustion and burnout. Recognize your early signs. Learn how to pace yourself. Learn different outlets for your emotions that don't involve burdening other people (exercise, yoga, meditation, etc.)

Nutrition also has a role to play in terms of inflammation in the brain, neurotransmitter balances, and oxidative processes that affect mental exhaustion, "stimming" behaviors, blood pressure, headaches, sensory issues, and so on. You have to take care of your brain. No different than someone else with a heart, kidney, or pancreatic condition. There are certain eating and nutrition habits that can make things better, or worse, as the case may be.

 

[WhitewaterWoman]

Well, you can change and you show you know that by saying you want to improve.

One thing you must change is your reliance on him or anyone else to keep you emotionally safe and on an even keel. That is, if you ever want the peace and a good relationship you seem to be striving for.

Do you have any idea or hint that you may be headed for a meltdown, ie crying all day? If you have a hint, act on it quickly. State clearly you need time to yourself now, it is not his fault, but you need to look within. Then do it. Take an hour, a day, a week to examine what is triggering you. Post your thoughts here and get input from others.

This may sound harsh and I don’t mean it to be. It is just reality. You can use or skip whatever suits you.

 

[Aspychata]

First of all, there is super helpful advice by members who posted. Second, you are very young, and emotions are kind of all over the place. l didn't feel better until about 25. But l still work on regulating my emotions even today. My boyfriend is very low-key, and seems to have a calming influence on me. Try to find outlets like exercise, this really helps with calming the mind. Is there something you can do with him, bike, swim, lift weights? Any thing you do together creates bonding, and helps you come together more, including trying new things.

 

[Hypnalis]

@shadowmyl

Did you tell your partner you were having a difficult day, and needed some "alone time" rather than a hang-out day?

At some point this may have become difficult, but:
* Early on would have been best anyway
* Any time prior to him becoming upset would have been better than the outcome you described.

 

[jsilver256]

Yup, shutting down and being unable to speak and sometimes pushed to the point of crying has been a recurring theme in my marriage.

What improved it was therapy. Lots of therapy. Individual, marriage. For us both.

It takes hard work and a lot of maturity on both sides - to understand the triggers, to understand our limits, to understand how the other person thinks and feels, etc. There is definitely a self-sacrificial element on each of our ends as we wrap our heads around how foreign the other partner's brain is.

19 is very young to navigate these waters.

 

[Atrapa Almas]

Hello everyone. I am an autistic 19 year old university student and have been with my neurotypical boyfriend for more than a year now.

Throughout our relationship, the most common issue we have is that I feel very deeply and oftentimes cannot control how big my emotions are or how to control them. This goes for sadness, hopelessness, anger, and even love.
However, my boyfriend is less emotional and he cannot relate. Usually, he is supportive and comforting, even patient with me. He taught me how to communicate my feelings because I have kept them for myself only my whole life.

So I’m asking for help, is there any way to regulate or tone down those heavy, big emotions that I feel on the daily so it doesn’t have to affect my boyfriend? Or some ways I could cope with it or explain it all to him?

Hello,

There are things you can do that should help but not solve the issue.

- Eat healthy, sleep well, do some sport stuff like walking.
- Avoid stuff that drain your energy like unnecesary social stuff, too much noise or whatever that can be avoided.
- Do stuff that charge your "battery" even if it is "non productive", special interests and the like.
- Respect your energy levels. If you start feeling drained, tell your boyfriend that you are in low battery mode, tell yourself and go to your safe place. Thats the perfect time to go in solo mode and sleep or rest before it gets out of control.
- When in conflict, if you find any piece of working brain to use, ask the conversation to be delayed untill you can control your emotions properly. " Im in rage right now, lets talk this tomorrow", or something like that.
- Tell your boyfriend to dont figure out your feelings based on your body language and ask instead. Less supositions and more questions help to understand the other.

To me it was usefull to learn stuff like non violent communication and active listening. I was a very bad listener. But may not be your case.

You seem to be way ahead at your 19 than I was at your age.

Best of luck.

 

[All-Rounder]

Teenage years up to 25 is a time where emotions start being the hardest in life. If you're with a teenage boy then the problems intensify. The hardship of expressing yourself with the load of emotions (and autism makes emotions deeper and identification and communication harder) and the lack of knowledge and awareness make a mix where you are hopeless and overwhelmed. But you are starting to identify problems and take responsibility for them.

You have to be aware you have a very different brain from NTs. It sounds to me like he's become your special interest and you have found it easy to go to him for emotional relief. The problem is he can't do this, and when we make our happiness or mental wellness depend on others it's bound to fail.

When I was young I didn't know what special interests were so I couldn't use them to my advantage or watch out for the wrong ones which may harm me. I suggest 1-2 years break from dating to heal from the relationship emotionally, to understand your vulnerabilities, to process and be able to change your thinking patterns.

Whenever I entered a relationship I was completely immersed in getting to know this new person so everything else was completely unimportant to me and I wasn't only mot drawn to doing other things but I was disgusted and I would always be thinking about this person, when he'll be available again, what I can ask him/her next and how to tell them about my problems and explain my emotions. I'm not sure they were as interested in any of those things as I was. I was plainly devoted to these activities whereas they wanted something else. They wanted games, movies, generic stuff, even the autistic ones, they had their own interests. And their own mental vulnerabilities they were focused on. I didn't have a whole view, I was focused on detail and missing the bigger picture, we were (autistic) kids, we didn't know these things. And details were frankly already too much to deal with.

Neurologically I was always out of control, I would cry constantly but for me it was because what I communicated they would disregard, and I had this sense of unhappiness but I didn't understand what to do about it. So I kept living my misery and there was no way to stop the feelings, when I'd try to talk about it, the people would make me cry more. So that didn't work.

If I didn't talk to my dear one, I felt like what's the point having this person if they really don't care about me and there is no point me telling these feelings to strangers. Plus the fact I couldn't handle life with their uncaring selves, and that was the reason for my turmoil. When I was single I was never crying. Suddenly in relationships it would feel like dying every day, and my state would only get worse. Plus the state of neglect, they'd disappear for months without prompt, and I would suffer then get attached again to them. I felt in crazy land and I surely was. I was handling states of psychoticism when I didn't even understand what it was. You have to understand what's good and what's bad for you, because you're the only one who can change it.

People can be very different, comparing you to someone else isn't valid and it's disrespectful. But if they want someone else if this specific trait that you cry is something they can't handle, they should go. In my relationships a lot of guys acted very strange to my crying and I read guys can't handle seeing girls cry. And girls cry a lot more and it's more socially acceptable bias. And I had hormone problems I had no idea about that probably contributed to a lot of hardship, emotion, instinct and difference. Maybe so but the ones I dated seemed unkind about it not loving, and I think there's a distinction there.