How to deal with liars and fake people? Don't know how to act toward them

[windowall]

I have a complicated problem with a friend. I don't really understand what's going on but I got my feelings hurt and feel like they're lying to me. I can't bring it up to them because I don't have proof. My intuition is strong about it so I talked to a friend and they agree it seems like they are lying and acting weird. My friend pointed out guilt in their behaviors for me (people act weird when they're guilty I've learned).

I know we need to talk about it but I don't feel like there is a solution with this person until they confront what's going on with me. I don't think that is going to happen because I know they hate confrontation. I don't want to confront them because I don't have proof and I know there's a good chance they would deny it in which case the situation becomes worse. If they wanted to talk about it they would bring it up on their own but haven't so to me that means they do not want to talk about it.

How do you guys interact when people are lying to you? This person is being fake and I have no idea how to act because I can see through it and it's probably one of the most uncomfortable things for me. Any advice would be appreciated.

 

[Dillon]

The main things I see here are the words “fake” and “lying”. When I hear that It seems to me that person is not that much of a friend.
I tend to get my feelings hurt and get upset when someone treats me wrong. For a while, I let that get to me but I am learning to turn those people away who lied and treated me poorly. I usually stick with the ones I know I can trust and count on which is just a few people I know personally.
My best advice is to walk away from those who treat you like that and stick with the one you can trust. Maybe if you have no contact with the person for a while things may settle down but you never know though with some people.

 

[Loren]

I concur with Dillon's input, and would add, in terms of myself, that once a person betrays my trust, I cannot find it in myself, to ever trust the person, again. I am not saying that a person cannot change their ways, or better themselves, or their character, if they want to. Just, with the way my mind operates, I find it virtually, impossible, to trust someone who has lied to me, or manipulated me (or anyone, for that matter), or a situation, in any way, shape or form. My mind has been altered as the result of such behaviors of others, but, I think I have always had my particular mindset, where it is literally, impossible for me to accept any amount of dishonesty or injustice.

 

[Tom]

I usually just ignore it, unless it concerns me directly. But if it does I will try and distance myself from them.

 

[windowall]

The main things I see here are the words “fake” and “lying”. When I hear that It seems to me that person is not that much of a friend.

This is probably the best advice, thank you. I needed to hear it but it's hard to see that because we were close friends and I had assumed they were being as honest and open with me as I was with them the whole duration of our friendship.

 

[windowall]

once a person betrays my trust, I cannot find it in myself, to ever trust the person, again. I am not saying that a person cannot change their ways, or better themselves, or their character, if they want to. Just, with the way my mind operates, I find it virtually, impossible, to trust someone who has lied to me, or manipulated me (or anyone, for that matter), or a situation, in any way, shape or form. My mind has been altered as the result of such behaviors of others, but, I think I have always had my particular mindset, where it is literally, impossible for me to accept any amount of dishonesty or injustice.

This is exactly how I am. I forgive out of naiveness but it has gotten me into trouble more than it has helped salvage a good relationship. I assume people are acting the way I am and when I realize it's different my entire perspective is derailed and I go back and think over every interaction or situation and second guess their integrity toward our friendship and mutual trust.

It's very hard to face them or even put on a mask because I don't think I respect their actions.

 

[Gritches]

Someone who hates confrontation hates it because they are persistently guilty and hate to explain themselves.

Cut those people out like a cancer. They're weak, and will only drag you down. Wish I had advice about how to salvage the friendship, but do you need friends so badly?

 

[Progster]

If someone lies to me, it changes my relationship with them, because I just can't trust them and things can't go back to what they were. I would distance myself from that person. Trust has to be earned, and once lost, very hard to recover.

 

[SunnyDay16]

Someone who hates confrontation hates it because they are persistently guilty and hate to explain themselves.

Cut those people out like a cancer. They're weak, and will only drag you down. Wish I had advice about how to salvage the friendship, but do you need friends so badly?

I don't find that to be always true. I myself am not a big fan of confrontation. I will do it when I need to, but it's not something I enjoy doing. The reason I don't like it is because it's hard for me to find the words to not come across like an ass, but still get the point across. One can consider it weak, but I consider it choosing my battles to see if something is worth confrontation before addressing it.

 

[windowall]

Someone who hates confrontation hates it because they are persistently guilty and hate to explain themselves.

Not sure I agree fully, sometime who lies a lot and is often guilty and avoids confrontation probably dislikes it because they don't want to admit they were lying or explain themselves but I know a lot of people who dislike conflict and confrontation for other reasons (myself included).

That being said, yes I do need friends and we were close, so this situation has been hard for me.

 

[Jersey]

I don't understand "people who don't like confrontation". I've never met anyone who actually LIKED confrontation. They should be having conversations, not confronting someone anyway. I just think those people either don't want to communicate or need some serious training in it.

I've gotten to the point where I pretty much think all people I talk to are lying, and I'm pretty sure liars know better than to act weird/appear like they're lying. I can't really read people so I have no idea who is lying and who isn't. If they turn out to not be lying/masking, I'd be very surprised. Unfortunately they all decided to lie and I don't. So instead of being somewhat trusting, I just can't trust most people these days, so I keep an emotional distance. If they someday prove that they weren't lying, fabulous.

 

[Loren]

This is exactly how I am. I forgive out of naiveness but it has gotten me into trouble more than it has helped salvage a good relationship. I assume people are acting the way I am and when I realize it's different my entire perspective is derailed and I go back and think over every interaction or situation and second guess their integrity toward our friendship and mutual trust.

It's very hard to face them or even put on a mask because I don't think I respect their actions.

I experience the very same. It can be extremely confusing, disheartening and sad, particularly, if you have formed a bond with the other person. We can experience cognitive dissonance, if the person we had thought to be our friend, a good, honest person, whom we allowed ourselves to trust and believe in, shows a different side to them. It is the minds, natural response to two conflicting perceptions of which, happen simultaneously.

On one hand, we've just learned that our friend is not the sort of person we had thought them to be, nor, would choose to be friends with, and, on the other hand, we still care for the person, possess feelings and emotions for them, and our brains are still secreting chemicals, applicable to the situation, and, of which, we cannot, simply, shut off at will. And, this is true, whether the person has merely been a good friend, or, if we had developed strong, intimate feelings for the person.

 

[SunnyDay16]

I don't understand "people who don't like confrontation". I've never met anyone who actually LIKED confrontation. They should be having conversations, not confronting someone anyway. I just think those people either don't want to communicate or need some serious training in it.

I've gotten to the point where I pretty much think all people I talk to are lying, and I'm pretty sure liars know better than to act weird/appear like they're lying. I can't really read people so I have no idea who is lying and who isn't. If they turn out to not be lying/masking, I'd be very surprised. Unfortunately they all decided to lie and I don't. So instead of being somewhat trusting, I just can't trust most people these days, so I keep an emotional distance. If they someday prove that they weren't lying, fabulous.

That's kind of what I mean when I say "confrontation". Confrontation should be a respectful open-minded conversation between both parties, but when feelings are involved it can get tricky. Some people just aren't easy to have respectful open-minded conversations with, either there's a personality clash or some other factor that makes having an open dialogue without causing issues hard.

 

[Peter Morrison]

If this person who lies is a real friend, then you should be able to ask them if their "lie" was really a lie or the simple truth. I'm curious to know the story behind the lie - an excuse not to accept an invitation or something closer to a bank robbery? Lies can be in a deep gray area. In any event, the liar is trying to protect some other information that they might find embarrassing or damaging to their image. I see nothing wrong with confronting this person and telling them that you think their story might be some kind of a fabrication. You can preface your statement with an apology for being confused about their story. Give them a chance to explain it without being judgmental. Without any answers, you will be questioning this person's integrity forever.

 

[Loren]

If this person who lies is a real friend, then you should be able to ask them if their "lie" was really a lie or the simple truth.

Which is exactly why she does not find it worth doing.

In addition to lies, she did mention the person is being 'fake and she can see right through it (among other warning signs, mentioned)'. Intuition/gut instincts are a person's most powerful source of protection. If she were to sense the friend/friendship outweighed the risk, perhaps it would make sense to speak with the person, but, she mentioned that it isn't, based on certain character factors. I, personally, wouldn't encourage someone, not to trust their instincts/intuition-and to take it a step further, if she senses it isnt a good idea to approach said person, yet, goes against her instincts, she could risk serious repercussions by the person. Safest thing to do, but, it's only from my own, personal experience, is to simply, walk away, grieve the loss and allow the space to open up for a better-suited 'friend', etcetera. Just my own thoughts/ feelings on the matter, however.

 

[windowall]

Which is exactly why she does not find it worth doing.

In addition to lies, she did mention the person is being 'fake and she can see right through it (among other warning signs, mentioned)'. Intuition/gut instincts are a person's most powerful source of protection. If she were to sense the friend/friendship outweighed the risk, perhaps it would make sense to speak with the person, but, she mentioned that it isn't, based on certain character factors. I, personally, wouldn't encourage someone, not to trust their instincts/intuition-and to take it a step further, if she senses it isnt a good idea to approach said person, yet, goes against her instincts, she could risk serious repercussions by the person. Safest thing to do, but, it's only from my own, personal experience, is to simply, walk away, grieve the loss and allow the space to open up for a better-suited 'friend', etcetera. Just my own thoughts/ feelings on the matter, however.

Thanks for saying this. That is exactly how I had been feeling I realize. I think if I felt safe opening up a conversation about it I would be able to address it with them but there are a lot of factors and risks involved and I don't really feel like they can have an honest conversation about it with me at this time. Which naturally makes me distance myself from the relationship even more.

Thanks for reminding me to trust in my instincts. When I feel like someones changed or I misjudged their character in these situations the confidence I have in my intuition always diminishes.

 

[Loren]

Thanks for saying this. That is exactly how I had been feeling I realize. I think if I felt safe opening up a conversation about it I would be able to address it with them but there are a lot of factors and risks involved and I don't really feel like they can have an honest conversation about it with me at this time. Which naturally makes me distance myself from the relationship even more.

Thanks for reminding me to trust in my instincts. When I feel like someones changed or I misjudged their character in these situations the confidence I have in my intuition always diminishes.

You're welcome! It sounds like you are very clear about what you want, and what the best line of action is, in this situation. I, also want to say, that you did the right thing by running things by your friend, who was able to confirm your perceptions. I hope everything goes very well, going forward. Good on you, for taking good care of yourself. If you ever want to return here, to talk about anything, further, I would be glad to, as well.