How to explain to as aspie that i need quiet . Help please.

[sylvia1111]

Please can you help me with how to explain to an aspie adult that i need quiet when stressed or when stressed and driving.

some people can talk listen drive easily, some cant. If i'm stressed aswell as driving i really need quiet.

When he needs quiet or time to himself he says it and we respect his needs.

but when i need quiet as an aspie he doesnt seem to hear it or respect it and he feels rejected by my need for quiet.

PLease please i really need help for this. HOw can i best express my need for quiet when driving and stressed in a way that he will respect it without causing extra draining high maintenance drama of him feeling rejected. This is too hard and it comes up time and again and i really need suggestions please.

 

[King_Oni]

Tell him that you need to focus on the task at hand. Be clear to define what tasks you want him to be quiet.

If he can't keep to those rules, one might wonder how much the notion of him being an aspie is part of this, considering a lot of people on the spectrum do put some value in clear outlines and rules.

 

[Vanilla]

Hi Sylivia

Perhaps it's best to try taking about it before driving. If you both sit down, with a nice beverage, and talk things out calmly, and in a logical manner, hopefully this will help. Explain why it upsets you, and explain that you do not ask this of them to be hurtful. Relate your issue to their own, so that they my understand better. Be careful not to place blame, as this may only upset them. Let them know that you are only advising them of how it makes you feel.

Hope you find a solution

 

[Kari Suttle]

Please can you help me with how to explain to an aspie adult that i need quiet when stressed or when stressed and driving.

some people can talk listen drive easily, some cant. If i'm stressed aswell as driving i really need quiet.

When he needs quiet or time to himself he says it and we respect his needs.

but when i need quiet as an aspie he doesnt seem to hear it or respect it and he feels rejected by my need for quiet.

PLease please i really need help for this. HOw can i best express my need for quiet when driving and stressed in a way that he will respect it without causing extra draining high maintenance drama of him feeling rejected. This is too hard and it comes up time and again and i really need suggestions please.

I have two opinions on this, and i will state both. I know you said that this guy is an adult, but as a kid my mom was in your shoes a lot - same problem - because i couldn't read that she was busy and didn't want my input right then. Or, alternatively, i would read that she was busy or stressed but not that she didn't want me to but in right then. It took several years and some literal growing up before i learned to read those situations. So in short, he might just not be reading you very well. Which would explain why you said he feels rejected when you try to explain it to him.

Another option is that even if he is reading you, perhaps you need to adjust how you're explaining it or just give him a simple rule - do not talk to me if i am driving, for instance. Another idea, as mentioned a moment ago, is that he might just not understand how you're explaining it. As an aspie i would think he would understand needing space when stressed.

 

[Nadador]

Hi Sylivia

Perhaps it's best to try taking about it before driving. If you both sit down, with a nice beverage, and talk things out calmly, and in a logical manner, hopefully this will help. Explain why it upsets you, and explain that you do not ask this of them to be hurtful. Relate your issue to their own, so that they my understand better. Be careful not to place blame, as this may only upset them. Let them know that you are only advising them of how it makes you feel.

Hope you find a solution

LIKE, LIKE, LIKE, LIKE, LIKE, LIKE.

I would say Vanilla's answer is PERFECT, Sylvia. If I may, it sounds as though you may have other issues dealing with your adult Aspie loved one as well. That said, you may want to do some general reading in our resources section, or consider what other questions you may ask of us.

As King_Oni said, this problem you're having may be about more, or something totally different, than Asperger's. You didn't say what your relationship is with this fellow, but it might help to investigate from other angles if the sort of conversation Vanilla described doesn't do the trick.

 

[sylvia1111]

i have noise problems in general

if i go in a shop with thumping music

if there are a few noises in the room at the same time while we are chatting

if someone is right near me and insists on talking really loud

if someone is shouting from across the room

i get big headaches.

many beleive he is aspergers but i am the one who gets really ill, headaches, exhaustion from too much noise and bombardment. I was told its as a result of being worn down low on energy reserves having had overloaded nervous system, being burnt out from a few very tough decades and raising kids

i get very drained from alot of noise and movement and ill.

it happens when we are away for a weekend and staying in a cabin or motel that has one main room and if i'm sick or he wants to watch tv the noise can become way too much for me and he doesnt understand even if i'm sick that i need quiet

 

[sylvia1111]

i am so grateful for all the very helpful replies and suggestions. i'm going over them and they are so helpful thank you so much