How to explain your difficulties to a NT?

[anonX]

It's very hard for me to explain in details to my mom for example my social inabilities and signs of ND.

I can tell her, for example, I'm at a job and I can't connect with people or customers the way I wish. Then she gives me an example that she was out shopping and saying most people today avoid social interactions, you ask them a question, and they don't want to reply or don't know how to reply. When she says this too, it makes it very difficult to explain how I perceive it.

For most cases I know how to reply to a question, but it's more limited than what I wished for, and I'm not able to see the social cues in the question. Once I worked part-time at a high-end shop for an Italian I managed the e-commerce site for. And he often told, look you need to interact more with customers, ask them questions. I found it very difficult to ask a question out of the blue, even when masking and copying him. He could ask anything, he could talk for hours with customers, it felt so natural when he started to speak, and he made them feel welcomed and persuaded to buy. If I asked them, it felt like I was intruding into their personal space. For example, I'm looking at the person which is viewing the clothes, it feels like I'm scanning them, what they do at the moment. It's obvious they are looking at something that interest them, but I don't see it like that, and I don't know how to open up with a question. It's hard to explain, all I can say I perceive the world very limited.

So how can I compare myself with an NT, that doesn't know how to or wish to reply to questions at their job? They are NT's they shouldn't struggle, yet I know many of them live in their own bubble, and just don't care, and get away with it, because the little they say comes out normal. This is not my issue, I want to, but I feel limited. I really hate that I function like this, I feel so unintelligent and stupid, even though I know that is not the whole truth.

 

[Slime_Punk]

I don't know the answer to this but I just wanted to say that I totally relate; if I were working in sales there'd be like zero subtlety to my tactics and they would totally think I was overbearing if I was asked to do the same. I feel like there are a thousand subtle cues and masks that NTs put on to signal to each other, "I'm not a threat, I'm just trying to improve your experience and guide you", and my version would somehow come out as awkward and rude.

Sometimes it's hard to tell what subtle clues you're giving off when your language is totally neutral (according to you) but they don't know how to read you because there's no NT / ND bridge. Where do you hire that interpreter? lol

If I could communicate with NTs I think a lot of my problems would be solved, so if you ever find the answer I hope you'll be kind enough to come back here and share it with us.

 

[Neonatal RRT]

To keep this discussion short: Most NTs do not and will not understand,...and I work with a staff of intelligent, respectful, and trained people that deal with autistic children daily,...but they have no idea of what it is like to be an autistic adult,...or even recognize their co-workers who are autistic. Even those people who appear to have some empathy, concern, and are genuinely trying to be good people,...they lack the perspective.

 

[Hypnalis]

NT's can learn to speak to ND's, and ND's can learn to speak to NT's, but ....
* There are no teachers, because hardly anyone (possibly nobody at all) understands both sides
* Most interested people on both sides don't want to go through the learning process. Plenty want to have the knowledge and skills of course, but hardly anyone wants to do the work

IMO humanity just doesn't understand interpersonal communication well enough to address the root causes of this.

 

[anonX]

If I could communicate with NTs I think a lot of my problems would be solved, so if you ever find the answer I hope you'll be kind enough to come back here and share it with us.

I mean, I can communicate with NTs. Family and friends. Most NTs don't see me as different, had lots of friends. It's me myself that do that. Because I know what I'm capable of, what my limitations are, and when I see or say things wrongly. But then I can't do it with all, in some instances I would be completely shut and say nothing, then they see that I'm different. It depends on the people, their requirements etc.

I can talk for hours with some friends, but I wouldn't be able to do it with others. Then I know those friends can do the same things with others, they just change their strategy and adapt. If I change my strategy I can't adapt, I will just go mute, as I can't adapt to their needs in the level of the conversation.

To answer your question, there is no answer, it's about finding a strategy and perceiving things correctly, something I think we do struggle with.

 

[Neonatal RRT]

At our hospital, we have regular lectures on behavioral and mental health for the staff. With this in mind, this morning, I posted a request for a future topic: Adult autism in the professional world: Recognizing, empathizing, and interacting with your health care co-workers who are "on the spectrum". Time will tell if anyone wants to tackle that topic and present it.

 

[Ronald Zeeman]

NT's can learn to speak to ND's, and ND's can learn to speak to NT's, but ....
* There are no teachers, because hardly anyone (possibly nobody at all) understands both sides
* Most interested people on both sides don't want to go through the learning process. Plenty want to have the knowledge and skills of course, but hardly anyone wants to do the work

IMO humanity just doesn't understand interpersonal communication well enough to address the root causes of this.

Your right we are the minority and the majority makes the rules ask any left handed person.

 

[Tom]

Agree with many comments already said. It's not impossible to explain, but is so difficult and time consuming that it can't really be done with most people in your life. A spouse/partner yes, perhaps a really close friend or family member. And it is not a one way process. I believe it also involves the autistic person having to learn what the NT perspective is, at least to the degree possible.

If the workplace has some recognition already in place for autistics and will make accomodations then more is possible, but those are far and few between. Trying to educate and change the patterns of some workplace cold, from scratch is bound to be very problematic.

Once in a while I was able to handle similar situations by approaching it it terms I thought (hoped) my superior could relate to. But for reference I didn't identify myself as autistic, because for a long time I didn't know, and even once I suspected still couldn't (military). Typically I would do some function quite well and then they would wish to add more responsibilities or shift me more to supervisor/management. With additional responsibilities I would explain I was very good when focused on one or two functions but really had difficulty multi-tasking. For the management shift I would (in private) explain I was very much a 'hands on' person, one who does well (and is happiest) with the actual work and not overlooking others doing it. I know it disappointed them but they usually also appreciated my honesty. It helps to indeed be really good at the things you do so as to still be an asset and valuable. Luckily, the times I had to do this worked out for me. But had they not I would have had no choice but try to do what they wanted.

 

[Judge]

The short answer? - YOU DON'T.

 

[Gerald Wilgus]

With my vocation in technical fields, communicating with NT colleagues was easy. Easier yet was communicating with Engineering which I believe was enriched in NDs.

My difficulty was in communicating my social difficulties with ANYBODY. While I was hoping for guidance and help, I could only articulate the material ways I felt inadequate, not the emotional inadequacies I felt. Consequently with nothing that could be done to remedy the economic barriers in my life, I felt unheard and marginalized, especially comparing myself with others more advantaged. I was a sick puppy.

Observing social communication by NTs, I see that they lie nonverbally all the time, always trying to influence each other, as with the example you provided. I have a hard time communicating that way, and if an NT says the sun rises in the East I would want to verify it myself. I think they are always "on stage."

 

[Matthias]

Since most people know that many symptoms of ASD have effective treatments (such as psychotherapy or reading self-help books), most people are probably wondering, "Why you're not making an effort to overcome your problems? I know this sounds harsh but no one wants to put up with other people's social deficits or emotional problems or hear excuses about why they can't change.

If you say, "I don't understand _______", people will think, "Well, why haven't you read some books to improve your knowledge?" If you say "I'm too nervous to approach people", they'll think, "Why haven't you see a therapist to work on your anxiety? If you say, "I have trouble reading social cues", people will think, "Why aren't you paying more attention? or "It would probably be easier if you weren't so self-absorbed." In response to your example, "I don't know how to open up with a question", most people would probably say just be yourself and ask.

I agree it's difficult to know how to respond but it's definitely worth thinking about and finding an answer. I never had much success answering their questions. What helped me the most was making an effort to be better so I don't stand out as much.

 

[Forest Cat]

In my experience, people usually can't understand things like that, that they haven't experienced. So I try to avoid explaining things. If someone explains to me how they feel, I don't really know how it is if I have never experienced or felt it.