How to find my personal clothing style and the courage to actually wear it

[AuroraBorealis]

I would like to develop my particular clothing style, but I don't know how to go at it. I spent my youth copying movie character's clothing styles which I liked - a technique as good as any, I suppose.
Nowadays, I don't really know what I like. Most of my clothes are quite simple and functional (I steal a lot of my boyfriend's things, just for convenience), but I would love to develop my own style - something where I can express myself, something I really enjoy wearing. But I honestly don't know what sort of clothes I like. When I think about movies and TV characters, I like so far:
- black, gothic-style outfits with lace
- historic outfits with long skirts and loose blouses with broad belts around the waist
- androgynous outdoorsy adventurous styles on women that still look somewhat feminine

All quite distinct. I know that I like these kind of styles when I see them on someone (e.g. in a movie, on instagram), but I find it really hard to put them together myself. It's the old problem - how to tackle a big project ("put together an outfit in this style") and break it down into little tasks ("e.g. find a skirt that looks like the one on this picture"). I get overwhelmed, and then I stop it because I don't know how to start (too many shops, which websites, I don't even know what exactly I'm looking for, stores are too crowded, etc.). It's like there's this very vague image in my head, but when I try to pin it down and break it into its sub-parts, it disappears and I get overwhelmed.

Also, I do own a few pieces that I really like, but I get so embarrassed about wearing them in public. I know they look fine and, living where I live, I wouldn't even be the most adventurously dressed person on the street, but I still am anxious about people staring at me. I know, in the end no one really cares, but I don't want to attract attention to myself, so in the end I go with the old boring choice instead of wearing this dress I love.
When picturing my ideal wardrobe, it would probably split into the following areas: "normal" mainstream clothes like shirts and pants, a sports section, then a sort of "historic" section with stuff more fitting into the 1800/1900s or into Lord of the Rings, D&D world and such, a black lace section, and an adventure/outdoor/leather jacket section.

I guess I'm asking advice about 2 separate things.
1st, advice on how to develop my own clothing style. I also don't want to keep copying someone else, I want to develop my own. But I simply don't know how to practically do it. I know, going into a store is simple, but the styles I like are usually not sold at the mainstream chain stores where I usually shop. And for some reason I get directly overwhelmed when I try to online-shop (too many choices), and I like to try things on because I often don't like how they feel, and I hate to send things back via mail.
2nd, thoughts on how to overcome this shyness to wear something a bit more "adventurous" - I already do it at home sometimes, but I don't wear it on the street, although I'd like to

 

[TBRS1]

Uhm... Here's what happened to me:

I like being outdoors, wandering the woods. I don't like being bothered while wandering, so I looked for clothing that makes hiding easier...

...but I hate camo (I'm not a hunter, or wannabe soldier, and don't want to look like either), so I started buying clothing in lightly patterned earth tones.

When somebody told me I look like an elf, I bought some green shoes with upturned toes, cut my hair so I have an elf trail down the back, went full on elf, and never looked back.

This technique may not work for you. It only works for me because I'm usually hiding in the forest. I do get comments at BIGstore, though.

(p.s. I don't have pointy ears, but I do have some rubber ear tips that I hand out to visitors, just for the hoot of it).

 

[TBRS1]

P.s. "the courage to actually wear it" comes from this:

1. I am not normal
2. If I try to be normal, I look like a guy trying to fake normal. People read that as "ill".
3. Wearing what I like causes me to look "comfortable."
4. Looking comfortable sends the message of "self assured/healthy."
5. It is better to look self assured/healthy than it is to look ill. Self assured/healthy sends a "this person is interesting" message, but ill sends the message "avoid this person."

 

[Forest Cat]

There is a clothing store called Zalando, a lot of people are uploading their outifts there. So you can see how clothes look on people and get inspiration. I don't know if it's useful for you but I'll just leave a link here:

https://www.zalando.no/get-the-look-dame/?style=style_all&p=2

 

[AuroraBorealis]

P.s. "the courage to actually wear it" comes from this:

1. I am not normal
2. If I try to be normal, I look like a guy trying to fake normal. People read that as "ill".
3. Wearing what I like causes me to look "comfortable."
4. Looking comfortable sends the message of "self assured/healthy."
5. It is better to look self assured/healthy than it is to look ill. Self assured/healthy sends a "this person is interesting" message, but ill sends the message "avoid this person."

That's awesome and on point. I don't look fake normal in normal clothes, but I guess I just look insecure about how I look in general. I can look really good and self-assured in something I love, but often only while I am alone at home where no one can see me. In a lot of clothes I just feel like I'm disguised.

 

[AuroraBorealis]

There is a clothing store called Zalando, a lot of people are uploading their outifts there. So you can see how clothes look on people and get inspiration. I don't know if it's useful for you but I'll just leave a link here:

https://www.zalando.no/get-the-look-dame/?style=style_all&p=2

Thanks for the link. I know Zalando, but so far it seemed to me that all the outfits there are "normal" clothes, not the ones I described that I like. In such "normal" clothes, I often feel disguised, like I'm putting on an act. I'm just glad I don't have to wear formal/business style clothes to work, I feel completely disguised in those. Like I'm a child playing pretend.
Edit: Thanks again, I just checked it and I didn't know that there was a place where people upload photos of their actual outfits.

 

[Forest Cat]

Thanks for the link. I know Zalando, but so far it seemed to me that all the outfits there are "normal" clothes, not the ones I described that I like

I was thinking people upload so many different outfits there that there should be something in your style too. But maybe I was wrong. Anyway, I just thought I'd share the link.

 

[kriss72]

P.s. "the courage to actually wear it" comes from this:

1. I am not normal
2. If I try to be normal, I look like a guy trying to fake normal. People read that as "ill".
3. Wearing what I like causes me to look "comfortable."
4. Looking comfortable sends the message of "self assured/healthy."
5. It is better to look self assured/healthy than it is to look ill. Self assured/healthy sends a "this person is interesting" message, but ill sends the message "avoid this person."

I like this answer so, so, so much!!!!

I agree, at least for me it was hard to pass as "normal" being asd, I know I failed, and I knew when I was failing, I just couldn't pass as an NT.

Accepting the diagnosis, and starting to just be me, wearing what I like, because I like it, has been freeing. And I much prefer to go outside with an autism badge and let others know, yes, I look different, and no I'm definitely not like you (the NT that presumably looks at me), I have nothing to hide, and I dress the way I like it, compared to the alternative of trying to look like everyone else, because I feel that is somehow more triggering to people (like what is described in 5. above).

But it is a process, slowly getting comfortable with one change, and then adding the next. (And I have been in a place/job with frequent hairdresser visisits, tailor made suits and shoes that went click-clack-click-clack when I walked, I'm not going back )

 

[Tom]

You see this is why I wanted to either be a spaceman or soldier. I hate choosing my clothes. My wife buys them all or I get as gifts.

 

[Aspychata]

One idea l like is if you see an ensemble that resonates with your particular esthetic, then break it down, why exactly you like it. Then do this regularly, pretty soon you will recognize
what you truly like. Then start buying a little here and there of that specific look. Try on those pieces in front of a mirror until you get a look that you like perhaps?

 

[marc_101]

@AuroraBorealis

Ah, interesting questions. I don't know about 1), but I think that my answer to 2) could help you with 1).

My recommendation for 2) is to ... pay somebody to help you. There are people that do that for a living. You can tell them what you like and they can help you with suggestions. It would help with 1) because once you try stuff, you'll know what you like and what you don't like. And that would help you with the general question: if you like something on you, you'll wear it.

There are people that do that online, and you can probably find somebody in your city who is starting and could do it for cheap.

I thought about this at some point, but I've found the things I like. My problem is that I HATE to go shopping.

Here is a site in the US, for example:

https://www.thumbtack.com/k/fashion-consultants/near-me

 

[All-Rounder]

P.s. "the courage to actually wear it" comes from this:

1. I am not normal
2. If I try to be normal, I look like a guy trying to fake normal. People read that as "ill".
3. Wearing what I like causes me to look "comfortable."
4. Looking comfortable sends the message of "self assured/healthy."
5. It is better to look self assured/healthy than it is to look ill. Self assured/healthy sends a "this person is interesting" message, but ill sends the message "avoid this person."

I thought normal was comfortable, at least compared to what I wear sometimes. I guess there are levels of comfort. I admit my house clothes are the best in terms of comfort hehe

I'm very eccentric and creative. My style shifts day to day, I've been trying the gothy stuff lately and people are calling mom to tell her I'm the most elegant and stand out lol. I generally get heavy hate and critique along with compliments. But style is something I gift myself and I feel great within it. I've gotten criticized by very close ones, not the good ones for me though.

I have tried normal clothing too lately, but I have to be careful with the fads because some fashionable things disadvantage other people, so copying someone's style on my body is very wrong and looks very different. Also with the personality some things fit better.

Imo (and xp) it's hard to go wrong with full on classic goth. But it will capture eyes.

I tried copying by image, it was a great success, but more natural to me is watching multiple pics of that style to find items I have. And then putting them together in a way it looks nicest.

But I get mixes up together of styles that seem to be flowing well and those are the most rememberable and that's my most natural way to dress up

 

[jsilver256]

Touch issues are my number one sensory issue far and beyond everything. I have 10 outfits of the same brand, different colors, which I rotate everyday except Sunday. It might be a bit stereotypical but it is an enormous relief to be honest and gives me a lot of bandwidth. I would never change out of pajamas otherwise.

 

[Seladon]

OP let me say that you're valid, and I adore this thread and your questions, as well as the responses. Especially because it resonates so fully with me, like you've reached into my brain and pulled out the same quandary.

For the gothic look you're coveting, have you taken a look at the TV show What We Do In The Shadows? The vampire aesthetic of the character Nadja from that what popped into my head when you described it. (Also it's a fantastically funny and charming comedy show, do give it a watch). Also, I'd recommend the music artist Emilie Autumn (showing my age and roots here!)

It's been ages that I've grappled with exactly the same as you. Maybe all my life? Never felt comfortable being embodied, let alone dressed in human clothes. Like what is that even about. Yet I admire fashion and creative clothing/makeup/hair on others immensely. Sometimes if I see someone in public who looks cool and different I'll just stop to take them in and privately applaud.

For some reason though, there's a block in my head that stops me maintaining that energy for myself. It's like I can't bring myself to do it, no matter what. Loved school only because it meant boring frumpy uniforms as a public normcore outfit for seven years (Aquarius x3/Saturn rising, can you tell). Even when I went a time or two to get help from a department store consultant to pick on-trend socially-acceptable clothes for College that actually fit and flattered me, I ended up in outfits that didn't feel 'me' even if they looked cute and appropriate. At Uni I was a recluse who kept yo-yoing extremely in weight, so just wore whatever I could find or borrow, and again it was usually frumpy. My hair's been the same straight long plain cut since forever, and makeup eludes me (sensory hell/I can't blend right/rosacea/kill me).

Now since the panny D and my no-good-very-bad-exploitative-job experience in 2018-19, I've been in depressioncore fits 24/7, mostly my sister's or Mom's (or even Dad's sometimes) torn/stained hand-me-downs or all-grey sweats that I don't even like. It's a running joke in my family that all my clothes are moth-eaten rags. And I'm SICK of it. And myself. Needing to change, and like you I feel the fear of exposure in public and the stress of image change weighing heavy, plus not knowing if or whether I can pull off looks I like with my aura and body type (curvy/busty/skinnyfat but not 'big').

Then there's also the added dimension of having the energy to source and plan outfits, like you say. For now I have the time which is a luxury, but my confidence and enthusiasm and persistence levels are so low it doesn't matter. For me (low/no income), money is also a problem--even charity shops and thrift stores where I live are mad expensive, and the prices almost everywhere have shot up of late. So committing to even plain or low-rent clothes is a steep cost.

Deciding on an image or subculture is hard, too. Idk about you but my preferences change day-to-day, and since I don't have a particular lifestyle, job or hobby to inform a style, I can't pick. Some days I want to look boho/hipster, some days I want to do goth or bardcore, others I want to go trashy y2k pop, others still I feel like doing the pagan shaman thing, even at times I look at Jobriath-esque camp glam arthouse weirdness. Then I come back down to Earth and realise I probably couldn't commit to all that. Should probably just wear all plain black, blend in and shut up. Idk.

Anyway, enough moaning and opining. Hoping we both find direction and courage from somewhere! @TBRS1 first post has really given me something to chew on.

 

[Neri]

I guess I err on the fey or shamanic hippy chick look, boho or flowy layered looks. I also have a Neurospicy "coming out" T-shirt. I have always been a bit of a fashionista, at least since I got into music/performance work from my teens. My mum was full hippy/ethnic look lady so fashion has been a family way to express our "difference" my whole life. My mum dressed me in embroidered peasant blouses and velvet skirts as a child.
I have enjoyed op shopping, as we call it, maybe thrift shopping, you might know it as.
But, I want to progress to making some of my own clothes via crocheting, as I don't feel I can express my fey internal-feeling sense enough, on my budget and due to being bigger now, in my middling years.
Online shipping has been a bit of a nightmare for me, with picking things because I like the prints and then finding the fabric a sensory nightmare.

It takes a bit of focus, time and resources to strut the fashion look that one realy feels good in. For me, it's becoming a bit of a hobby as I find it so important to be able to express myself through my fashion choices.

 

[All-Rounder]

Fashion is so important and personal and even therapeutic. People say clothes don't matter but they judge based on them excessively sometimes. Not even they believe it.

We express ourselves easily through and we (autistics) have an inclination to assign feelings to objects.

Yeah it's important to have a personality but we live surrounded by things and it's a bit off to pretend they don't matter in humans' lives, even the way our home looks makes a difference and gives a certain mood and feeling. It's definitely not shallow, it's artistic.

 

[AuroraBorealis]

Thank you all for these really helpful answers!
My laptop doesn't work right now and I loathe typing longer texts on a touchscreen, so I will answer in more detail at a later point.

 

[WiffingWaffles]

For me, Later on in the future, I might go on a shopping spree at the mall.
Zara is who I wanna try, with a mix of wal mart and maybe target.
Going to get some jewelry as well. (Watches, Chains, rings)