ulrichburke
Member
Dear Anyone.
I've got Cerebral Palsy, Hydrocephalus and Asperger's. They come out in my face - I'm the modern Elephant Man. I kid thee not. They made a documentary about me, Tormented Lives, once. I started off life in London, got beaten up and burgled so often there I got moved down to Hastings where, over 20 years, I got all my teeth kicked out, head caved in by punches, every flat burgled empty, boiling water chucked over my legs giving me permanent ulcers and every flat burgled empty there too. Ended up with my family moving out of the house and into a flat - didn't even know where they were for a year. Dad was in a Home somewhere - was never told where, never allowed to visit him - and Caroline - only sibling - and Mom wouldn't let me help out doing anything because - I think - of the trouble I brought with me.
In the form of others. All anyone ever sees is the ugliness. Someone as pig-ugly as me can't be normal, I must be a child molester/rapist/put your own word here. I REALLY tried to prove I was a nice person, I saved up and bought stuff for local small disability charities (couldn't get a job for love nor money - prospective employers loved me till they had to look at me then there was this 'My God!' moment before they went onto the next guy.) Tried to have friends but could never tell when people were being for-real and when they were setting me up. Setting me up involved 'Yes, Chris, of course you can come down the pub/nightclub with us' so you'd turn up with money and they'd mug you of the money. And you'd go home and discover your flat had been broken into again and of course, if you're disabled, the police don't give a damn. Let's face it. Do they!
The above went on, relentlessly, for 20 years. No friends. No relationships. All anyone could talk about was how ugly I was. In the end I got moved into a Home where there were LOADS of lovely activities, parties, all sorts going on - for the others. Not for me. I couldn't join in because, apparently, they couldn't get funding for me. So I'd be going out, trying to get vol. work or join in with groups, end up being jeered at/turned down/smacked up (often all 3 on a bad day!) and going home again.
I'm 54 now and the realisation that the above has been my entire life has suddenly hit me. I'm never going to know what it's like to have friends, go out with groups, be with people - I'm the Elephant Man. That movie's my life story - except I've had more things happen to me than happened to him in the film. And he had the luxury, at the end, of just being able to move a few pillows, lie down and leave this planet. I still try to be nice to people - I buy homeless people meals and clothes if I have a bit of money, try to talk to people but they cower away from my face. The only place I've found people to talk to me even a little bit is in Admiral's, an amusement arcade/small-stakes casino. I play the tiny-stakes machines - I'm not REALLY a gambler, it's just people talk to me there about how much they've lost/are losing and I sympathise with them. I understand the machines pretty well, you can tell which are going to pay out a little bit, and after a couple of hours I've never lost much. And I've spoken with people. But try to talk to the same people if you meet them outside and their friends go 'You don't talk to that creature, do you?' They nod, bless 'em, and their friend goes 'I wouldn't, you never know what someone like that's after!' Then they think about that, think their friend Might Have a Point and stop talking to me - unless I'm in Admiral's, where that seems to be forgotten and they're back happily grumbling about their losses again! (Most gamblers play to lose. Winning's alien to them, losing's more familiar so that's what they play for. Me, I win a bit and get off the machine/make £1 last a Really Long Time!)
But outside, it's still remorseless. Go round a corner, bloke in a wheelchair, 'Say, mate, where's your spaceship?' Indian in a shop lights a joss-stick whenever I go in, to ward off the Evil Inside Me. He's told me this. He pinches it out as I leave. First 2 years I was down here, the guy downstairs vowed to get me out, 'Why should I have to live with that weirdo?' In the end he left, not sure why. And so on. And so forth. And another few hundred things I could list. Like being banned from many places cos other customers complain about having to look at me. And schoolkids - they make 'em BIG these days and I'm only 5 foot 10! - on buses saying I'm on the bus to stare at the girls. They surround you and jeer at you and it sounds pathetic but they CAN get pretty scary. And they know this. You meet them outside, they do the same thing. Sometimes you have to give them money to get rid of them.
Thought I had a g/f for a long while, till my sister pointed out to me - by phone, I'm not REALLY allowed to visit - she was only my g/f when she wanted me to buy her something. She's still my g/f when she wants something, the rest of the time I never see her. But then she's the only g/f of any kind I've ever really had. (Asked 7 women at different times of my life to marry me, turned out - Asperger's alert - I'd gotten it wrong about all of them and that was the last I saw of any of them.)
I've had it. Had enough. Don't want to be here anymore. I've tried everything I can think of to fit in with Humanity and none of it's ever really worked. And let's face it - it's too late now, isn't it. I swore I wouldn't blow Life despite my disabilities but I have, royally. And I can't think of anything else I could've done or tried. "Moving a few pillows" would, for me, involve buying a bottle of stuff online but I know the site and it's reliable. Do you think I should just put myself out of everyone else's misery? If it helps, I've got a wonderful world I go to when I sleep - it's a real world, I'm sure of it. It's got a spaceport, cities which I've been to, I've been on a sea cruise there, to a city in a volcano using the volcano's fire for energy, and I've got loads of friends. Even a wife there, she's a little alien lady who knows when I've got to come back here and gives me a hug when I have to leave. If I left here, do you think I'd go there? It's in the centre of the Milky Way, the sky's so full of stars 'night-time' is just a whiter version of daytime. And the sun's a Red Giant, the planet's massive, it orbits very fast but a LOT further out than Earth is from our sun. I love being there but don't - QUITE - have the courage to see if I can go there full-time. If you tell me that's the answer, I'll do it, though.
Yours respectfully
Chris.
I've got Cerebral Palsy, Hydrocephalus and Asperger's. They come out in my face - I'm the modern Elephant Man. I kid thee not. They made a documentary about me, Tormented Lives, once. I started off life in London, got beaten up and burgled so often there I got moved down to Hastings where, over 20 years, I got all my teeth kicked out, head caved in by punches, every flat burgled empty, boiling water chucked over my legs giving me permanent ulcers and every flat burgled empty there too. Ended up with my family moving out of the house and into a flat - didn't even know where they were for a year. Dad was in a Home somewhere - was never told where, never allowed to visit him - and Caroline - only sibling - and Mom wouldn't let me help out doing anything because - I think - of the trouble I brought with me.
In the form of others. All anyone ever sees is the ugliness. Someone as pig-ugly as me can't be normal, I must be a child molester/rapist/put your own word here. I REALLY tried to prove I was a nice person, I saved up and bought stuff for local small disability charities (couldn't get a job for love nor money - prospective employers loved me till they had to look at me then there was this 'My God!' moment before they went onto the next guy.) Tried to have friends but could never tell when people were being for-real and when they were setting me up. Setting me up involved 'Yes, Chris, of course you can come down the pub/nightclub with us' so you'd turn up with money and they'd mug you of the money. And you'd go home and discover your flat had been broken into again and of course, if you're disabled, the police don't give a damn. Let's face it. Do they!
The above went on, relentlessly, for 20 years. No friends. No relationships. All anyone could talk about was how ugly I was. In the end I got moved into a Home where there were LOADS of lovely activities, parties, all sorts going on - for the others. Not for me. I couldn't join in because, apparently, they couldn't get funding for me. So I'd be going out, trying to get vol. work or join in with groups, end up being jeered at/turned down/smacked up (often all 3 on a bad day!) and going home again.
I'm 54 now and the realisation that the above has been my entire life has suddenly hit me. I'm never going to know what it's like to have friends, go out with groups, be with people - I'm the Elephant Man. That movie's my life story - except I've had more things happen to me than happened to him in the film. And he had the luxury, at the end, of just being able to move a few pillows, lie down and leave this planet. I still try to be nice to people - I buy homeless people meals and clothes if I have a bit of money, try to talk to people but they cower away from my face. The only place I've found people to talk to me even a little bit is in Admiral's, an amusement arcade/small-stakes casino. I play the tiny-stakes machines - I'm not REALLY a gambler, it's just people talk to me there about how much they've lost/are losing and I sympathise with them. I understand the machines pretty well, you can tell which are going to pay out a little bit, and after a couple of hours I've never lost much. And I've spoken with people. But try to talk to the same people if you meet them outside and their friends go 'You don't talk to that creature, do you?' They nod, bless 'em, and their friend goes 'I wouldn't, you never know what someone like that's after!' Then they think about that, think their friend Might Have a Point and stop talking to me - unless I'm in Admiral's, where that seems to be forgotten and they're back happily grumbling about their losses again! (Most gamblers play to lose. Winning's alien to them, losing's more familiar so that's what they play for. Me, I win a bit and get off the machine/make £1 last a Really Long Time!)
But outside, it's still remorseless. Go round a corner, bloke in a wheelchair, 'Say, mate, where's your spaceship?' Indian in a shop lights a joss-stick whenever I go in, to ward off the Evil Inside Me. He's told me this. He pinches it out as I leave. First 2 years I was down here, the guy downstairs vowed to get me out, 'Why should I have to live with that weirdo?' In the end he left, not sure why. And so on. And so forth. And another few hundred things I could list. Like being banned from many places cos other customers complain about having to look at me. And schoolkids - they make 'em BIG these days and I'm only 5 foot 10! - on buses saying I'm on the bus to stare at the girls. They surround you and jeer at you and it sounds pathetic but they CAN get pretty scary. And they know this. You meet them outside, they do the same thing. Sometimes you have to give them money to get rid of them.
Thought I had a g/f for a long while, till my sister pointed out to me - by phone, I'm not REALLY allowed to visit - she was only my g/f when she wanted me to buy her something. She's still my g/f when she wants something, the rest of the time I never see her. But then she's the only g/f of any kind I've ever really had. (Asked 7 women at different times of my life to marry me, turned out - Asperger's alert - I'd gotten it wrong about all of them and that was the last I saw of any of them.)
I've had it. Had enough. Don't want to be here anymore. I've tried everything I can think of to fit in with Humanity and none of it's ever really worked. And let's face it - it's too late now, isn't it. I swore I wouldn't blow Life despite my disabilities but I have, royally. And I can't think of anything else I could've done or tried. "Moving a few pillows" would, for me, involve buying a bottle of stuff online but I know the site and it's reliable. Do you think I should just put myself out of everyone else's misery? If it helps, I've got a wonderful world I go to when I sleep - it's a real world, I'm sure of it. It's got a spaceport, cities which I've been to, I've been on a sea cruise there, to a city in a volcano using the volcano's fire for energy, and I've got loads of friends. Even a wife there, she's a little alien lady who knows when I've got to come back here and gives me a hug when I have to leave. If I left here, do you think I'd go there? It's in the centre of the Milky Way, the sky's so full of stars 'night-time' is just a whiter version of daytime. And the sun's a Red Giant, the planet's massive, it orbits very fast but a LOT further out than Earth is from our sun. I love being there but don't - QUITE - have the courage to see if I can go there full-time. If you tell me that's the answer, I'll do it, though.
Yours respectfully
Chris.
