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How to help an "aspie" who doesn't want to admit it.

A

arg_gal

New Member
Hello, My name is María, I am from Argentina. I had a classmate at university who is an aspie. I and 3 more guys were friends with him, because he had always the patiance to help us understanding everything. Yet when we were talking outside the books who would seem lost or very quite, then at whatssapp the jokes he says are very childish and when he invited us to his b-day were like if he were turning 7 instead of 25. I started reading and found out he was an asperger. I have consulted a psichologist which he guided my friends and I how to tell him. We wouldn't dare to tell him and time passed by. He started therapy just because he can't find a job or can't keep it for more than 10 days (due to his perfectionism and therefore extreme slowliness also clumssiness) . We decided to tell him , but he consulted with the psychologist he was going to and she said : "I don't think you are, you are just childish". We asked him to go to our psychologist who specialize on autism and he confirmed it and he told him also his parents are. Yet he lied to us and told us that he isn't. He says we are confused just because he is childish.
We don't know what to do, we think we are going to put on "pause" the friendship to see if he reacts, because we think if we support his behaviour he will never admit it. I think if he admits it he can get the right orientation.

do you think stop being friends with him, will help? Is it hard to admit it?

excuse my grammar and spell mistakes (not native speaker) thanks
 
until he wants to feel in his consciousness that he is on the autism spectrum then he wont probably if HES sees autism as being safe that is will he be safe if he told someone rejection is a powerful feeling
arg_gal said:
Hello, My name is María, I am from Argentina. I had a classmate at university who is an aspie. I and 3 more guys were friends with him, because he had always the patiance to help us understanding everything. Yet when we were talking outside the books who would seem lost or very quite, then at whatssapp the jokes he says are very childish and when he invited us to his b-day were like if he were turning 7 instead of 25. I started reading and found out he was an asperger. I have consulted a psichologist which he guided my friends and I how to tell him. We wouldn't dare to tell him and time passed by. He started therapy just because he can't find a job or can't keep it for more than 10 days (due to his perfectionism and therefore extreme slowliness also clumssiness) . We decided to tell him , but he consulted with the psychologist he was going to and she said : "I don't think you are, you are just childish". We asked him to go to our psychologist who specialize on autism and he confirmed it and he told him also his parents are. Yet he lied to us and told us that he isn't. He says we are confused just because he is childish.
We don't know what to do, we think we are going to put on "pause" the friendship to see if he reacts, because we think if we support his behaviour he will never admit it. I think if he admits it he can get the right orientation.

do you think stop being friends with him, will help? Is it hard to admit it?

excuse my grammar and spell mistakes (not native speaker) thanks
Click to expand...
 
Do not stop being friends with him because of that, you will just make him feel bad and more confused. He is not going to think "they stop being friends with me, therefore I have to do something about being an Aspie". That will not happen. He will just resent you.

He is not a child, even if he acts childish. Do not treat him as such. You already helped him. But he is an adult and he might have his valid reasons not to want to "admit" it in front you, and I think his reasons are similar to mine.

Only one person outside this forum knows I'm an Aspie. Why? Precisely to avoid people treating me like you are treating your friend: like a weirdo with a bunch of defects that need to be cured. Aspies are just different, we are not sick, and it really hurts when we are not accepted for who we are.

Everybody has their shortcomings, we just happen to have different shortcomings than you do.

You should not feel obligated to be friends with him. Do not pity him. If it's too much for your friends and you to handle, maybe you should not be friends with him, but do not lie to yourself saying that you are doing it for him, you are doing it for you.
 
The simplest answer? You can't. Under such circumstances I think only he can come to terms over whether or not he's on the spectrum of autism. For another person to attempt to "convince him" of such seems like a lost cause. It would have in my own case. I had to come to terms with it all on my own, and at my own slow pace laced with lots of denial. It was a long and bumpy road strewn with potholes.
 
Be his friend, you will learn more about yourself and being in the world through being his friend.

Nobody wants to be labeled especially childish, speak to him directly and ask him to research the topics of Aspergers Syndrome for you......

Notice that, ask him to do something for you.

He will, and he will probably find his own conclusions in the process.

Because if you tell him "how he is" he will ignore you.

Follow my advice, help him, do something truly good for some one else, you'll feel good about it. You have to ask him to do the research FOR YOU, he will learn from the experience.
 
I don't see what difference it would make if he "admitted to it". Sometimes a person needs a diagnosis because they feel they need to know why they are different and why they struggled with certain things. Your friend does not seem to have that problem. Someone finding out they have autism does not change their neurology. They are going to still be the same person and act the same way. What a person with autism really needs is acceptance.
 
Im trying to understand your thought process. First, You explained that your classmate was extremely patient and thoughtful with you and others. He took his precious time to help you be better. Now you want to ditch him because you keep telling him he is bad at life, and he won't listen?

My advice, decide to be his friend and YOU will continue to become a better person for it.
 
arg_gal said:
do you think stop being friends with him, will help? Is it hard to admit it?
Click to expand...

I don't understand in any way how holding to random the friendship would help him admit something he might not want to accept. For all we know he could see it as a degrading factor, a flaw, of him at this stage. For him it could be like admitting to his friends that he is a lesser person, a moron, in the eyes of his friends.

The idea of cutting off contact with him because he doesn't want to admit it is.... mean to put it politely.

Putting that aside, give him time to do his own research into the condition and he might come around to it on his own. If he doesn't well that's his prerogative and beyond that is none of your business. If you truly are his friend then you should accept him for who he is, autism or not, because at the end of the day admitting you have something like autism isn't going to make a change in who he is as a person; he is still going to remain the same.

It's great that you want to help him but be very careful in how you do it.
 
Don't avoid him, that will only confuse him further and push him more into the realm of disregard. If he thinks you left him because you told him he was autistic, he surely will never tell anyone again and you will get nowhere. If he doesn't think he needs help, then no amount of help will help him. All you can do is accept him as he is and that is all. If you do not want to do that, then tell him why before you leave, lest he think it is his autism that is driving you away.
 
arg_gal said:
We don't know what to do, we think we are going to put on "pause" the friendship to see if he reacts, because we think if we support his behaviour he will never admit it. I think if he admits it he can get the right orientation.
Click to expand...

Why do you want to get him to admit it?

Many of us struggle in the workplace. Even when we find something suitable we quickly get bored. This is just normal for us.

Instead of focussing on what "you see" to be "wrong" with him. Try instead to focus on what is right about him, his gifts.

Instead of testing him and putting a "pause" on the relationship, tell him you are there for him and concentrate instead on your own life and not his.

arg_gal said:
do you think stop being friends with him, will help? Is it hard to admit it?
Click to expand...

No, I don't think it will help, I think you are looking for a reaction. And I see aspergers as a personality trait, it's simply who I am. It's not something I would ever need "to admit" or confess to.

And by the way, your English is fantastic. I understood every word. A native speaker couldn't have been more eloquent.
 
Honestly, one of the worst things you can do is to stop being his friend right now. If he does have Asperger's, he will very likely not understand why you have stopped being his friend. Being on the spectrum makes it difficult to figure out peoples' intentions, and he will most likely just be confused and hurt. He needs all the support he can get right now. Maybe he'll come to terms with it, maybe he won't, but the fact that he's seeing someone to help him get a job is a good thing and a step in the right direction.

Also, I think your English is very good; with it not being your native language and all. It is a very difficult language.
 
Just keep being his friend and supporting him. I do get where he's coming from, there is a lot of stigma attached to Asperger's, so it makes sense for him not to want to identify with that label.
 
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