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How to help boyfriend?

R

Ruby_Aspergic

Well-Known Member
I was just diagnosed with high functioning autism on Monday, but the doctor told me that I was only diagnosed with that instead of aspergers because their office uses "VERY strict DSM criteria" and that at many other officers I may have been diagnosed with aspergers instead (plus they apparently are heavily expecting that the DSM V proposals will pass and didn't want to confuse me--okay?), and that I would likely identify more with people with aspergers anyway. And all the literature she gave me was for aspergers. Sooo that is how I ended up here.

Boyfriend is not handling it well. I believe he genuinely understands that I am not any different than I was last week, but I think the word "autism" is shaking him up. He doesn't know anything about it and doesn't know what to think, and I don't know enough about it to help him. I tried to find a book about aspergers and relationships but everything I found the aspie was so much more severe than I am that I was afraid it would scare him away needlessly.

Not only that, but I am having like a major epiphany here.. it seems like almost everything about me can be explained by HFA and it is just fascinating to sort through my memories and thoughts and see all the things we missed the last 20 years. He doesn't understand any of this, and if I say like "oh my god, this explains why I am like X!" He gets really bothered by it. I don't understand and I don't know how to help him.

Can anyone recommend some books or other resources for him? Or give me any advice in general? After a few moments of uncertainty right when he first found out, he is committed to working through his misconceptions about autism to stay with me, but he is just so lost right now. I feel so sorry for him, and sorry for myself that I don't truly have my partner by my side to get through this myself.
 
I can understand how he is feeling to some extent - I love Willow to pieces and it can really upset me sometimes because it feels like she's trying to find diagnosable reasons for everything wrong in her life, rather than accepting there must be minor falts along the way - of course I snap out of it eventually and realise it all adds up. But finding out a loved one has all sorts of things wrong... I just... I don't like it. :P

I can relate to sifting through memories and finally understanding why certain things happened, I've done that a lot since finding out. It's very relaxing to finally know why.

As for helping your boyfriend understand, maybe just explain how much of a big deal this is to you - you've gone 20 or so years of your life not really understanding why you're different and have only just found out. That can be quite a lot to deal with, really.

Also, maybe you could focus on the advantages of having Aspergers rather than the disadvantages. Even though aspergers is considered a disability, in a lot more ways we're more able in my opinion. :)
 
I personally don't like it when people go around insisting they're not Autistic when they have AS.
But clearly you boyfriend doesn't comprehend that Autism is an entire spectrum, so if I were you, I'd tell him you don't have Autism in the conventional sense(though most people with an Autistic Spectrum Disorder have AS or HFA), and that for all that it matters, you don't.
One could even argue that high functioning autism in it self(or asperger's syndrome) is a spectrum and that you're at the higher functioning end of high functioning autism.
Most of my friends don't even know I have a form of autism, I just say I have Asperger's(which is a form of Autism, but when you say Autism there's all these stereotypes), since most people don't know what that is and I can explain my self and those who do are hopefully educated enough to not make judgements(i.e relative has it). Even then, most of my friends don't know I have AS, just that I'm a bit weird.
I'd advise against telling everyone until you do have some good resources(my understanding of Autism is generally through message boards and talking to people with it both offline and online) which reflect on how you behave.
EMZ=]
 
I can totally relate to what your boyfriend is going through.

I am 44 years old, and I didn't even work out that I most likely have HFA until a couple of months ago.

Now all of these odd things about myself that I had already come to terms with years ago are now jumping back at me out of my subconscious as I read through forums like this, and now I am having to come to terms with a lot of things in very different ways.

And so while it is comforting to know why I am the way I am... at the same time it is kind of disturbing even to myself.

To your boyfriend it must seem like you are happy about being defective. He wants you to be the same person that he loved before your diagnosis. And not just some set of symptoms or traits resulting from a condition that most people would rather not have. Does that make any sense?
 
It does make a lot of sense, I do understand why he feels the way he does. I just don't know what I can do to make him feel comfortable with it. :( It will probably just take time, but in the meantime everyone is skirting the issue and I am left to figure things out by myself. My family is acting the same way. You'd think they'd be used to it given that my sister's son has HFA too, but apparently not.

I am CONVINCED my dad, who is probably taking it the worst, has it too. Go figure.
 
Ruby said:
I am CONVINCED my dad, who is probably taking it the worst, has it too. Go figure.
Click to expand...

That's eery. That's one of the reasons I'm not telling my dad... we are very similar, though he had a more old-fashioned upbringing which shaped him more towards 'normality' if you catch my drift.
 
And if he does have it, he is worse off than I am. For the longest time I just thought he was a bad person, but I think he just doesn't know how to express himself the way a husband and father is "supposed" to. I really think that's it.
 
I've never felt ill of my father, really. I mean, how can I, I think we're almost the same so why would his actions stand out as being odd to me. :P
 
My dad and my mom both scored higher than me on the sutism test on the internet but she goes around saying she's so NT and I'm so autistic.
 
I don`t get it. Why he feels bothered and uncomfortable about it? You have always had autism/asperger and you found out that now. Should`t he feel relieved instead? You are still the same person he has always loved and always will. So whats the problem?

And this is what I think you can do for him: Nothing. It`s his job to get used to the idea of you being an autistic/asperger. All you can do is just be yourself and love him like always.
 
I guess it's just an adjustment for him, just as it was for me. I knew I was the same person but it was strange to have this complex, highly stigmatized disorder suddenly attached to me, it took some time and some research to help me get comfortable with things. I sent him a care package to his dorm with some movies he wanted and included a book about high functioning autism and he seems to feel less on edge about it, so to speak, now that he is starting to learn about it. I guess he's just confused.
 
It would of been anyone's reaction, if I was for example was to find out someone who I cared about had something that I have no clue about, I would of panicked the same way, but then I would have to adjust and accept it.

For some, it would take longer depending on the person.

If your boyfriend is still supporting you, then he obviously loves you and cares.
 
Now we just have to make sure his family never finds out. They will have a complete cow if they find out he is marrying someone with autism. His mom has already made comments that he should think hard about marrying me because I have "so many health problems" and she doesn't want "sickly grandchildren." She is going to be mighty sad when she has perfectly happy, healthy grandchildren who can't come to see her very often because she is an insufferable *****. :D

Though I suppose if she does find out and react that way, it excuses me from inviting his side to the wedding and makes my life much easier!
 
My ex-boyfriend's parents were awesome tbh.
His mum was a lesbian and was really liberal and his biological dad didn't give a **** about anything. He'd leave us alone for like 3 hours in my ex-boyfriend's room(something my Mum would never let me do) and it'd be like o_O.
If she's going to be like that I'd be glad too if you found as excuse not to invite her to the wedding too.
EMZ=]
 
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