How to make my mom come at a less inconvenient time?

[tripleU]

If I try to do a thing like sitting down and using R, the statistical programming language and the time is bad like just before or after sunset or I am given food etc, I won't like it. I will hate it. I keep waiting for a perfect day, and I figured out that I should wake up early, and some other things to have it and then I like it so much that a neurotypical won't understand.Today, it was the perfect time, but my mom gave me food or put it in front of me forcefully. And that I have to come in 1 hour for Exam Preparation, which isn't enough I need it to last long. Help! How do I convince her to not interact with me at this time in any way?
Edit: She ruined it further by talking about Autism and saying those relatives are doing better than you.

 

[Raggamuffin]

Have to just try and pre-warn I guess. Whether she'll respect that, and your privacy is another matter.

I tend to feel very tense around my mum. She raises my anxiety, and she gaslights a lot. It's quite intolerable being back home after 5 years in my own house.

I was working on my van the other day and she kept coming out. Finding faults, lecturing me, being very fretful which made me feel worse. Also the van is parked on the main road in a large village. A lot of cars and foot traffic, and it's parked on a road camber so it's tilted and makes me feel super dizzy.

I long for a perfect day too. There's nothing worse than being in the middle of something and people start to talk, distract. Makes me tense, angry, emotional. Then I get told off for being tense, angry or emotional.

I hope once the van is done I can just avoid people for enough time that I start to feel calmer.

I hope your exam goes well. I think waiting for a perfect day could be tricky. No day will ever feel perfect I don't think. I've tried talking to my mum about autism but she doesn't accept me or my brother have it. My brother is more overtly autistic. Like a textbook case. She just calls him "quirky". When I got 100% on my ADHD assessment, she told me outright that her spirit guide told her I don't have ADHD. Which she believes over me and my diagnosis. Hard to really open up to her about either anymore.

When I opened up to her more about my struggles with prolonged stress recently, she told me to stop wallowing, and that I lack discipline, and need to do something about it. She has predicted what my future holds. Told me I'll be a medium, write books about her, live in a big house with her and her future husband. She's trying to write out my life for me. As someone who's struggled all his life to fit in and find his path - being told by my mother who I will be, and how I will live?...

Problem I find with my mum is that when I try to make my point she has a set menu of replies, each of them loaded with emotion and defensiveness:

"There's no need to shout." Wasn't shouting, simply saying my point which disagreed with her own.

"Stop getting angry." Again, as above.

"Calm down." She says this often when I come to her saying I need to do something. I'm not flustered, or rushing. But as I'm talking she will talk over me and tell me to calm down, or stop getting angry.

"I was just saying." Said in a stressed tone to suggest once again, I'm being aggressive in not agreeing with what she's saying.

She gets riled up very quickly over trivial things. She has no patience for so much. We're very similar in that respect. I feel it's my inheritance from her. Same with my dad, she loses her patience with him instantly, they argue and bicker over inconsequential things. The looks they give each other and the tone of voice. It's so hateful, and loaded with emotion. I hate being in the room when I encounter it, and it's a daily thing.

Unfortunately, whilst we can have pleasant conversations. I encounter a lot of emotional triggers with my mother. One of my therapists described her as "emotionally deranged". Friends and ex's who got to know her quickly realised she's a focus point of a lot of issues for me. On the flip side, I've never bonded at all with my dad. There's no real love or affection at all. He also monologues (something I'm guilty of too), but he often talks so much I feel like I'm being poisoned, it's that boring and tension inducing.

My mum told me 2 days ago she doesn't have time to worry about me. This was in amongst all her fretful comments and nit-picking. Then ended the conversation saying "Why do you feel like you need to move out of home so quickly?"

Ach. Sorry, hope I haven't ended up monologuing. But yes, parents can be difficult and add to stressors. I'm 36 going on 37 and it's not getting any easier with her. Truth be told, I'd say it's getting harder.

Ed

 

[tazz]

Yeah that's a tricky one. In the past I've gone as far as to take a "vacation" in which I just find an airbnb or hotel or something and sit working all day without any interruption at all, for a whole week or two.

Stuff like math and software coding is something you can't just pause and then pick up again easily. There might be a long line of reasoning and logic hanging together in my mind - and something innocent like someone asking "would you like a cup of tea" is enough to shatter it, and then I have to spend hours piecing it all back together before I can continue. It's super frustrating.

One technique I've used with some but limited success is to slow down a lot and break the work up into tiny pieces. So I have my notes and I figure out what the next task is, and keep breaking it down until I find something I can do in about 30 minutes or so. Then I do that one thing. Update my notes. And break. Then repeat. Depending on the project I'm working on, this can be a really enjoyable way to work because I can see progress being made and I'm less likely to get myself confused by having too many strands in my head at once - it's a very organized way to work. It isn't always appropriate. And sometimes I want to just focus and work on something non-stop. But sometimes this works well.

Another thing I used to do is work through the night. I used to love that time when everyone else has gone to bed. I set up my project and workstation during the day, with everything in place - pens, paper, software and files, tidy up the room etc, ready to start some intense work. And then hit it hard when everyone else is sleeping. Sometimes I'd stay up late, other times I'd get up early. Like I'd have about 3 hours sleep and then get up at 1am, and work through until everyone else wakes up. That gives me about 7 hours or so uninterrupted working.

Something I find quite interesting about this is how this is similar for those without autism too, but there's a key difference. I know a lot of software programmers who do not have autism who also have this problem with getting interrupted and they hate it. The difference for those with autism is that it can have major knock-on effects and sometimes in unrelated areas. The comfort I get from being completely absorbed in a code project is what I need to keep myself functioning in other areas of my life. If I am prevented from doing that, then everything else can easily get overwhelming.

I have no idea if any of that will help, but if those around you aren't going to respect your wishes to be left alone, then there may be some workarounds you can come up with.

 

[Rodafina]

I made a code with loved ones. 1-10. If I say, “I’m at a 1,” it means I’m ready to socialize. 5 means I’m struggling to be with people, but I will try. By 8 or 9, I need to be left alone in my room with my dog.

It takes work to get people to understand and respect the system, but they have seen what happens if they disturb me when I am at an eight or nine and they don’t want to repeat that.

It’s just a code so that they can understand better when I don’t have the proper words to accurately describe how much space I need.

Someone here on the forum told me about it, and it has been very useful. Don’t know if it would work for you though.

 

[Raggamuffin]

I made a code with loved ones. 1-10. If I say, “I’m at a 1,” it means I’m ready to socialize. 5 means I’m struggling to be with people, but I will try. By 8 or 9, I need to be left alone in my room with my dog.

It takes work to get people to understand and respect the system, but they have seen what happens if they disturb me when I am at an eight or nine and they don’t want to repeat that.

It’s just a code so that they can understand better when I don’t have the proper words to accurately describe how much space I need.

Someone here on the forum told me about it, and it has been very useful. Don’t know if it would work for you though.

I'd love to be left alone in a room with a doggo.

I hope to acquire a doggo once I'm out on the road.

Sooner rather than later I hope.

Ed

 

[Rodafina]

I'd love to be left alone in a room with a doggo.

I hope to acquire a doggo once I'm out on the road.

Sooner rather than later I hope.

Ed

Wishing hard for you to find your own little buddy. Best medicine out there is a dog who loves you.

 

[tazz]

I made a code with loved ones. 1-10. If I say, “I’m at a 1,” it means I’m ready to socialize. 5 means I’m struggling to be with people, but I will try. By 8 or 9, I need to be left alone in my room with my dog.

Interesting. I've known office environments where this sort of technique is used. Each person has an usual object like a beachball for example, and if that's on their desk it means "leave me alone, I need to concentrate".

It takes work to get people to understand and respect the system, but they have seen what happens if they disturb me when I am at an eight or nine and they don’t want to repeat that.

I was wondering whether to write about this too. I'm not sure what you're referring to exactly, but in my case I've sometimes gone full supernova angry with people who refuse to respect my wishes. It's not something I can control and I kinda feel bad about it later. But I get so frustrated I blow up. Having said that, I also think if I've tried many times to politely explain myself, and tried really hard to find a way of working that works for everyone, and they still ignore my wishes, then they have no-one to blame but themselves if they get shouted at. It's not a very positive way to deal with things and can screw up relationships. Use with caution !

Edit: forgot to make the actual point I was trying to make: After several explosions, my mother decided it was less hassle to leave me alone than get involved in another big argument. She still thought I was being unreasonable and resents me for that. But on the plus side, she left me alone.

 

[Rodafina]

Interesting. I've known office environments where this sort of technique is used. Each person has an usual object like a beachball for example, and if that's on their desk it means "leave me alone, I need to concentrate".

That’s a good idea.

I was wondering whether to write about this too. I'm not sure what you're referring to exactly, but in my case I've sometimes gone full supernova angry with people who refuse to respect my wishes. It's not something I can control and I kinda feel bad about it later. But I get so frustrated I blow up. Having said that, I also think if I've tried many times to politely explain myself, and tried really hard to find a way of working that works for everyone, and they still ignore my wishes, then they have no-one to blame but themselves if they get shouted at. It's not a very positive way to deal with things and can screw up relationships. Use with caution!

Understandable. For me it’s directed more inward. Hyperventilating and blackout. Head banging and scratching. They finally learned that I cannot understand their words when I want to be left alone and am not.

The part they don’t like is this will usually result in a flight response. I will disappear for a day or two (out of desperation) and they don’t like that.

Sounds like you go into fight mode and I go into flight mode.

 

[tazz]

Sounds like you go into fight mode and I go into flight mode.

Indeed. Although, since I've been diagnosed ASC and getting help from a psychologist I've noticed triggers and reactions more. Sometimes I notice when I'm frustrated I can't put sentences together as quickly as usual. And I've taken to just leaving the house when I feel an explosion starting to rumble inside. I just flatly say something like "I'm not doing this I need to hide" and leave. Not sure they pick up on the use of the word "need", not "want".

 

[tripleU]

She laughed and went away, when I told her to not come when I have this behind my monitor on my desk

 

[Rodafina]

She laughed and went away, when I told her to not come when I have this behind my monitor on my desk

Instead of just telling her, could you try to have a calm conversation with her where you explain your feelings?

 

[tazz]

She laughed and went away, when I told her to not come when I have this behind my monitor on my desk

That must be frustrating for you. I agree with @Rodafina though, it's worth a bit of perseverance... perhaps try to explain how it helps her as well, like it'll be better for both of you, to help you get along with each other better. Because, otherwise, how does she know that you don't want to be disturbed at a particular time but it's ok other times.

 

[tazz]

As I understand it they were trying to learn programming. Something I did at the age of 13 and ended up founding my own company on the back of it. But then, my mother was quite supportive.

 

[tazz]

With a genuine attempt to take the best from all these posts... I distinctly remember in my early teens really wishing that adults would take me seriously. And some adults in my life were harmful - so it's definitely not the case that children should just blindly obey every adult that gives them instructions. It's never too early to learn critical thinking! But it was also the case that I was too young to know completely what was best for myself. I hated school but I was forced to go and study and get some decent grades - and actually looking back on it that definitely helped me in later life. So it feels like compromise and mutual respect are important here.

 

[tripleU]

As I understand it they were trying to learn programming. Something I did at the age of 13 and ended up founding my own company on the back of it. But then, my mother was quite supportive.

She is already supportive but doesn't want me to do it at that time. I was only able to slightly convince her today and she sat next to me the whole time. I don't know if it will be possible next time. I made this:

 

[tazz]

It's good that she is supportive. How long did it take you to do that table? Can you explain what it represents? I was very interested in statistics at school.

 

[tripleU]

It's good that she is supportive. How long did it take you to do that table? Can you explain what it represents? I was very interested in statistics at school.

It only took me a long time to make that because I used R and the new Bing Chat, it has gotten a lot smarter and can do more complex questions. It would have been done easily in a spreadsheet program, I think it took around 90 minutes. Here is the code

t <- read.csv("canal.csv")
library("gridExtra")
library("grid")
theme <- ttheme_default(
base_size = 14, # font size of text
base_colour = "#000000", # font color of text
base_family = "IBM Plex Sans", # font family of text
padding = unit(c(12, 12), "mm"), # padding of cells
core = list(bg_params = list(fill = c("#99CCFF", "#6699CC"))), # alternating background #list(lty = 3) # line type of core borders
colhead = list(bg_params = list(fill = "#003366") ),
)
grid.arrange(tableGrob(t, theme = theme)
)

Here is the csv file which has random data generated by the Bing Chat, it doesn't represent anything like you said:
A,B,C
0.54,0.12,0.76
0.23,0.45,0.98
0.67,0.89,0.34
0.12,0.56,0.78
0.45,0.23,0.91
0.78,0.34,0.67
0.89,0.67,0.45
0.34,0.91,0.12

 

[AspieChris]

It’s disgusting but this actually works: I learned to fart on command. Bad gas too. Anybody interrupts me and they get a surprise. It’s kind of like a shock collar on a dog. Make noise at the wrong time and you be very sorry. It doesn’t take long before they don’t even realize that they have been trained to stay away until I’m ready, not them.

I definitely don’t recommend this technique (because it’s disgusting), but maybe there’s other ways to ‘retrain’ the person who is angrily pushing their personal timetable into your life. I say fight fire with fire. If they’re fine with being rude to me then perhaps a little rudeness in return could be in order?

 

[tazz]

It only took me a long time to make that because I used R and the new Bing Chat, it has gotten a lot smarter and can do more complex questions. It would have been done easily in a spreadsheet program, I think it took around 90 minutes.

Ah I see. So you're generating random data to work with and then using R to present it in a styled table. Nice. I'm not familiar with R myself.

I've just started using chatGPT for coding with JS and PHP. It works really well.

 

[tazz]

chatGPT seems to work well with R too. You can try it out here: GPT-4. Click the "Try on ChatGPT Plus" button. Maybe you have to sign up, I can't recall. Also, be careful when using it - it's still early days for AI and it sometimes gives false or biased information. This isn't so much of a problem if you stick to technical questions.

I just asked it to provide an example of rendering a table and this is what I got: