How to move forward in life?

[Nath]

Hey all. New to the site! I am diagnosed with Aspergers and Social Anxiety and a college dropout as I couldn't cope with it. I dropped out at 19 and I'm now 25, and I have done nothing in all those years due to a combination of everything being too scarey and my inability to practically do anything. Up until about a year ago I was kind of alright, got some amazing friends that I game with and consider life long friends. But this past year I have seen more and more people from my school getting jobs, getting together with Gf's, learning to drive, starting families, even getting married, and it suddenly put it into perspective just how much I have missed out on. And I want nothing more than to be able to get all of those things. I have looked around to try and find a driving instructor, my brother found one who has taught autistic individuals before, but phone calls are a hellscape for me. I really, really do want to get on with my life and actually do what adults do, but to actually get there the initial hurdle is more like Mount Everest magnified by 10 times. I saw a therapist not long after I left college and it was not long before I was discharged due to not being able to speak to her and not really being able to answer her questions and set goals for myself.

Spending this long not doing anything combined with how I have felt about how little I have done and me not believing I can achieve anything has seriously put me in a low mood. The Video games I enjoyed, I still do but I have very little effort to play them. I am super close with my parents yet these past 3 or 4 months I have burried myself inside my shell and barely even talk to them, they ask if I'm alright and I just say "yeah" and go upstairs. When I am in voice calls with my friends playing games and chatting, I can tell I am far more quiet with them as I effectively have nothing to say really, but that is because at the moment I cannot even really think of anything to say, where as before I would be laughing and joking and coming up with things to talk about. I know a partner doesn't fix you, but I kind of believe it will for me. Having her with me would give me something to wake up for. But yet again, who would want to be with an unemployed, antisocial, anxious man who can't really adult. My friends say there is always someone out there, that she may even be playing our favourite game right now (Final Fantasy 14) and we may cross paths, but I'm just not sure. It's almost like I'm grieving for a life I couldn't have due to both Aspergers and Social Anxiety. This is going to sound pathetic I know and it probably is, but my parents saw a school friend who I don't speak to when they were out, they asked how he was, and he said he has 2 kids now and his own house. It took me all my willpower to not cry on the spot when they told me because I just thought, why can't I have that? I would love to have that...
I'm rambling, kinda just venting really, this has been bottled up for about 4 months, apologies.

TLDR: I'm feeling completely hopeless about my future and inability to do things to the point it is getting me down, not sure about depressed yet, but it may end up that way.

 

[Slime_Punk]

I know a partner doesn't fix you, but I kind of believe it will for me. Having her with me would give me something to wake up for. But yet again, who would want to be with an unemployed, antisocial, anxious man who can't really adult.

Yeah, personal story here, and I'm still considered all of those things by society's standards, but I went down this path and it was a very rough start filled with screaming matches and emotional blowouts. Things got way better when I cleaned up my act and started actually trying harder to be a better husband, but if I could do it all over again I would've seriously avoided those horrible 6 years because it wasn't worth it by any stretch of the imagination.

If you've ever asked, "Why do most relationships fail?", you're literally flirting with it.

 

[VictorR]

Welcome.

Recognizing one's challenges us a good place to start since it gives us a framework.

Breaking down big goals into smaller pieces makes them more manageable and provides for successes to look forward to and build on.

It sounds like you're currently neither in school or work.

Does one of those two appeal more to you, and could you perhaps start by seeing what resources are available to assist you in getting there?

 

[kenaij]

I know a partner doesn't fix you, but I kind of believe it will for me. Having her with me would give me something to wake up for. But yet again, who would want to be with an unemployed, antisocial, anxious man who can't really adult.

If you want something that makes you get up in the morning a dog would be a much better fit than a partner. Since the needs of a pet are much less than the 'needs' of a partner. As long as the dog gets food, takes a walk (going outside is great to feel better, just go to a quiet place) and has some playtime they don`t need much more. And you can actually PICK the type of dog that fits you best. As long as you are willing to commit to them for their lifespan. They cost a lot less aswell (stupid joke I know, but I had to make it).
A partner can make some things easier. But they will also increase social demand. It is not a one way streak of taking, it is even more so about what you can give. Personally I think a partner should only come in after you have fixed yourself. Atleast that is what worked best for me. Aside from meeting the only person I did not want to run away from, figuratively.

 

[Hypnalis]

@Nath

The question in the title of your post is is "How to move forward in life?".

My question to you is: Do you want to start moving forward now?

 

[Neonatal RRT]

Too many people dig themselves a deep hole over time, the type of hole that the thought of climbing out of it is daunting to the point of giving up before they even try.

There's a saying, "How do you eat an elephant?" "One little bite at a time."

In this instance, I am thinking a therapist or life coach may be helpful, someone you can talk to on a regular basis and keep you on track. Meditation and self hypnosis may help as well. You have to "fix" you, and that takes a certain mindset of positivity and courage to not only face your fears, but overcome them. The amygdala's in our brains are powerful and that emotional interference can override your logic centers if you let it. What you're experiencing is a sick little mind game of your own creation.

The other part is that you haven't found your purpose yet. You're lost and hiding. The only way you feel you can control life is by sheltering yourself from it. This is not good. All the things you really want are "out there", but your self imprisonment is stopping you from having it. It's literally on you. You have to take control. Your fear centers are screaming "No!" but your logic centers have to tell them to "Shut up! I'm going to do it anyway!"

You need to find that "thing" that gets you out of bed motivated to do good in this world. It could be anything that you are good at. You are autistic, but are going to be judged by neurotypical standards. Do know that. It is what it is. It's not fair, but it doesn't matter. However, you have to have the ability to flip that mindset upside down in the sense that because your brain is different, you can do things that they cannot. Your perception is different. Use it. In a drawer full of flat head screwdrivers, you're the Phillips head. You have a usefulness that they do not. Find it. Excel at things they do not. Set yourself apart in positive way. Be the resource, the mentor, the educator.

You've sort of brainwashed yourself by hiding and making every excuse in the world why you can't. Anything that is truly important enough in this world takes work, a lot of work. You're going to face negativity and failure. If things just came easy to us, we would all be living a life of excess. Life can be difficult. A famous motivational speaker once said, (paraphrasing) "How is getting pregnant the same as being successful in business?" "Sometimes you have to be screwed several times before it happens." Nothing comes easy for anyone. Expect it to be difficult, expect failure, but still do it anyway. Furthermore, pay attention to negative feedback, use it, channel it into a positive direction. The key mindset here is to not let negative emotions win over logic and attaining your goals. People don't like change, so expect a fight.

So again, I am thinking a therapist, a life coach, some daily meditation, self-hypnosis, all in line with a positive, goal-oriented approach. Many little goals leading up to a big goal somewhere on the horizon. One step in front of the other.

 

[Nath]

Welcome.

Recognizing one's challenges us a good place to start since it gives us a framework.

Breaking down big goals into smaller pieces makes them more manageable and provides for successes to look forward to and build on.

It sounds like you're currently neither in school or work.

Does one of those two appeal more to you, and could you perhaps start by seeing what resources are available to assist you in getting there?

I neither work or attend education that is correct. I couldn't even begin to imagine sitting a job interview honestly. No confidence in myself or my ability, plus the anxiety of it all makes it basically impossible for me. I was tempted to go to the doctors and request some anxiety meds (if I'm even able to do that due to said anxiety) and see if those make me less scared of doing basically anything.

 

[Rodafina]

Hi @Nath and welcome to the forum.

I think things can get rather confusing and sometimes discouraging when we compare ourselves too much to others. Although it may sometimes seem like “everyone” is reaching milestones that you are not, we are each on our own unique path through life.

Sounds like you are overwhelmed by all the different things that you feel are lacking. The first step does not have to be tackling Mount Everest. Maybe you could try breaking your goals down into much much smaller pieces. Sometimes, the way to get going on overwhelming goals is to find one manageable thing that you can do toward that goal. Then find another, and another. Some of the goals that it seems your peers have reached and you have not took a lot of time for them to do. So maybe, try to be patient and give yourself some time to start moving toward new goals after a difficult time.

 

[Nath]

Too many people dig themselves a deep hole over time, the type of hole that the thought of climbing out of it is daunting to the point of giving up before they even try.

There's a saying, "How do you eat an elephant?" "One little bite at a time."

In this instance, I am thinking a therapist or life coach may be helpful, someone you can talk to on a regular basis and keep you on track. Meditation and self hypnosis may help as well. You have to "fix" you, and that takes a certain mindset of positivity and courage to not only face your fears, but overcome them. The amygdala's in our brains are powerful and that emotional interference can override your logic centers if you let it. What you're experiencing is a sick little mind game of your own creation.

The other part is that you haven't found your purpose yet. You're lost and hiding. The only way you feel you can control life is by sheltering yourself from it. This is not good. All the things you really want are "out there", but your self imprisonment is stopping you from having it. It's literally on you. You have to take control. Your fear centers are screaming "No!" but your logic centers have to tell them to "Shut up! I'm going to do it anyway!"

You need to find that "thing" that gets you out of bed motivated to do good in this world. It could be anything that you are good at. You are autistic, but are going to be judged by neurotypical standards. Do know that. It is what it is. It's not fair, but it doesn't matter. However, you have to have the ability to flip that mindset upside down in the sense that because your brain is different, you can do things that they cannot. Your perception is different. Use it. In a drawer full of flat head screwdrivers, you're the Phillips head. You have a usefulness that they do not. Find it. Excel at things they do not. Set yourself apart in positive way. Be the resource, the mentor, the educator.

You've sort of brainwashed yourself by hiding and making every excuse in the world why you can't. Anything that is truly important enough in this world takes work, a lot of work. You're going to face negativity and failure. If things just came easy to us, we would all be living a life of excess. Life can be difficult. A famous motivational speaker once said, (paraphrasing) "How is getting pregnant the same as being successful in business?" "Sometimes you have to be screwed several times before it happens." Nothing comes easy for anyone. Expect it to be difficult, expect failure, but still do it anyway. Furthermore, pay attention to negative feedback, use it, channel it into a positive direction. The key mindset here is to not let negative emotions win over logic and attaining your goals. People don't like change, so expect a fight.

So again, I am thinking a therapist, a life coach, some daily meditation, self-hypnosis, all in line with a positive, goal-oriented approach. Many little goals leading up to a big goal somewhere on the horizon. One step in front of the other.

When my therapist did actually help even a tiny bit back when I was seeing her before she discharged me, she did say that she thought learning to drive would give me a massive boost to my confidence. And she might be right because it would open tons of doors for me, plus the feeling of actually achieving something would be good. But again like you said, I probably have shut myself off from everything, nothing feels attainable or possible at the moment. It's as though I need someone to drag me into doing something without me having a say in it. That being said my friends are planning a weekend away in a city close-ish to me, so I'm going to *attempt* to go.

 

[chincey_james]

There are two ways of valuing yourself: conditionally and unconditionally.

Conditional self-value involves rating yourself based on your achievements, belongings, and reputation. This is a dangerous path because achievements, belongings, and reputation come and go. Sometimes in life, you're up. Sometimes in life, you're down. Not constant.

Unconditional self-value is different. It means having a baseline of self-love that nothing in the world can affect. It means that you are a living, breathing human being that has a right to live and have peace of mind regardless of anything external. It's constant.

Not to glibly imply this is easy. Life is hard. But it's easier when you're trying to be unconditional with yourself. I really despise the "rat race" aspect of existence where we all have to constantly be judging ourselves and comparing ourselves to others. It makes everyone miserable.

 

[Nath]

@Nath

The question in the title of your post is is "How to move forward in life?".

My question to you is: Do you want to start moving forward now?

Hi @Nath and welcome to the forum.

I think things can get rather confusing and sometimes discouraging when we compare ourselves too much to others. Although it may sometimes seem like “everyone” is reaching milestones that you are not, we are each on our own unique path through life.

Sounds like you are overwhelmed by all the different things that you feel are lacking. The first step does not have to be tackling Mount Everest. Maybe you could try breaking your goals down into much much smaller pieces. Sometimes, the way to get going on overwhelming goals is to find one manageable thing that you can do toward that goal. Then find another, and another. Some of the goals that it seems your peers have reached and you have not took a lot of time for them to do. So maybe, try to be patient and give yourself some time to start moving toward new goals after a difficult time.

Honestly even looking at something "small" I guess, or what I perceive to be small anyway, like driving, as much as I love cars and everything about them, as much as I literally dreamed of learning and getting my license as a kid, it still feels so far out of reach and borderline impossible. Even picking up the phone to call an instructor feels impossible. I cannot in any way imagine myself having what is even remotely considered a normal life, being independent in any way or really doing anything. It almost feels like life isn't for me.

 

[Hypnalis]

@Nath

With enough effort, anyone can convince themselves to give up on life. I view such things as a valid adult choice - just one of the less productive effects of personal autonomy,

Often though, the effort required to give up is greater than the effort required to work towards your "best life".

Everyone's best life is different of course - but we're wired to enjoy personal development, so it doesn't matter what you achieve compared to others.

You don't even need to objectively improve to feel good about doing things. For example, at my age the physical trend has been (on average) downwards for longer than you've been alive - but I still enjoy physical pursuits, and I still enjoy learning new skills.

Choose to move forward. Start now, with something that can be done today.

 

[Rodafina]

Honestly even looking at something "small" I guess, or what I perceive to be small anyway, like driving, as much as I love cars and everything about them, as much as I literally dreamed of learning and getting my license as a kid, it still feels so far out of reach and borderline impossible. Even picking up the phone to call an instructor feels impossible.

I understand. It can be completely overwhelming to consider goals and things that we really want because of how huge it seems.

I’m talking about breaking it down into really small steps. So with your example, getting the car is a greater goal, making the phone call is more immediate goal, but maybe just picking up the phone and hanging it up without speaking at all could be the first goal. Get used to holding the phone in your hand and try to calm yourself when you are holding it (holding the phone and taking 10 long slow deep breaths could help).

Another small goal could be to have a mock conversation. Practice out loud what you might say when you need to make the phone call about the car. You could have a trusted person do this or you could do it by yourself.

I know for me, it would be helpful to write it down. So my first step would be to gather some notes about things that I might need to say on the phone call. I would write out a script with what I was planning on saying. Even if I didn’t stick to the script word for word during the actual phone call, I would still write it out very carefully.

If all those goals are too big, then take an even smaller approach. Try going for a brisk walk or focusing on some kind of exercise that helps reduce anxiety.

Remember, climbing Mount Everest involves years of training, packing a bag, and figuring out a ride to the airport. There are always tinier goals that make up the biggest ones.

 

[Shevek]

Sometimes, we can make a life plan and then break it down into immediate goals. However, life is full of surprises, and people are a tricky variable to plan around. More often, I just have to pick a chore that seems to push things in the right direction. If it works, I know more about what area yields progress, and if it does not, I make adjustments, large or small.
Goals may need major adjustment. Cars are popular, but I found that a bicycle was a much better deal when used with skill.
In general, learning to make and do things will help, and being entertained will not.

 

[FoxLovinPat]

Your story mirrors mine in quite a few ways, so I can somewhat understand what you're going through. I'm still learning to overcome some of these issues myself but I'll try to give you what insight I can.

Firstly try not to compare yourself so much to others and where they're at in their lives, I know that's easier said than done and I haven't fully moved past that myself either. But I will say that I've learned that actually everybody moves through life as a different pace, even neurotypical folk. We don't need to strictly follow the path society pushes us to go on, your journey might be very much different from what "the norm" is, and actually in a way allowing yourself to step outside the norm and just live your best life and be wherever you happen to be in your life in a given time can be liberating in a way. There's actually more people out there than you might realize that "aren't quite there" by societies standards and that's okay, they don't have to be and you don't have to be either you can just go at your own pace.

As for looking for a relationship.. don't give up on "finding the one" your friends have a point, there is someone out there for you somewhere and perhaps you will meet them online. Heck it might even be easier for you that way as it definitely was for me, but then again I did kinda just luck out. However I will say that you shouldn't count yourself out just yet, and to try not to fall into the loop of feeling like you're unworthy of love and you'll never find love because of who you are. I was where you were too at one time and I know how awful that was. I will say that a lot of those thoughts around never finding someone because they won't love you for you aren't true, cuz they certainly weren't for me. You are loveable despite the flaws, and perhaps someday you'll meet someone who'll love you for you, regardless of the flaws. I will say that a good way to approach relationships is to start with friendship and maybe, just maybe something will just click and said friendship will become something more.

On the topic of jobs, that is also a tricky one, but perhaps you could find a job where you can work from home? That would eliminate some of the stress and you'd be in a place that's more safe and comfortable for yourself. I've also heard that a lot of people on the spectrum find doing freelance work a lot easier and manageable for them than a more typical 9-5. I dunno what skills you might have but there are jobs that you can do from home where you're essentially your own boss, like if you're good enough at English or your native language you could do proofreading work or even write on commission if you're into writing, you could try streaming or YouTube as well, though I'm just throwing examples out there you don't need to pick any of those. You could just substitute writing skills with whatever other skills you might have like arts for example.

Lastly it probably would be a good idea to get into therapy again, it sounds like you just wound up with a therapist that just didn't work for you. Perhaps you could look for therapists that have experience working with people on the spectrum? Or if you struggle with in person therapy you could try online therapy through telehealth or another online therapy source. But talking with a good therapist that's a good fit for you does help out a lot as they can help talk you through things and give you insight on things you might not have thought of otherwise. I will also say if you do go through therapy again, don't be afraid to tell the therapist what's wrong, what's been troubling you lately, what you might need help with, the therapist is there to listen to you and try their best to help you.

 

[Nath]

Your story mirrors mine in quite a few ways, so I can somewhat understand what you're going through. I'm still learning to overcome some of these issues myself but I'll try to give you what insight I can.

Firstly try not to compare yourself so much to others and where they're at in their lives, I know that's easier said than done and I haven't fully moved past that myself either. But I will say that I've learned that actually everybody moves through life as a different pace, even neurotypical folk. We don't need to strictly follow the path society pushes us to go on, your journey might be very much different from what "the norm" is, and actually in a way allowing yourself to step outside the norm and just live your best life and be wherever you happen to be in your life in a given time can be liberating in a way. There's actually more people out there than you might realize that "aren't quite there" by societies standards and that's okay, they don't have to be and you don't have to be either you can just go at your own pace.

As for looking for a relationship.. don't give up on "finding the one" your friends have a point, there is someone out there for you somewhere and perhaps you will meet them online. Heck it might even be easier for you that way as it definitely was for me, but then again I did kinda just luck out. However I will say that you shouldn't count yourself out just yet, and to try not to fall into the loop of feeling like you're unworthy of love and you'll never find love because of who you are. I was where you were too at one time and I know how awful that was. I will say that a lot of those thoughts around never finding someone because they won't love you for you aren't true, cuz they certainly weren't for me. You are loveable despite the flaws, and perhaps someday you'll meet someone who'll love you for you, regardless of the flaws. I will say that a good way to approach relationships is to start with friendship and maybe, just maybe something will just click and said friendship will become something more.

On the topic of jobs, that is also a tricky one, but perhaps you could find a job where you can work from home? That would eliminate some of the stress and you'd be in a place that's more safe and comfortable for yourself. I've also heard that a lot of people on the spectrum find doing freelance work a lot easier and manageable for them than a more typical 9-5. I dunno what skills you might have but there are jobs that you can do from home where you're essentially your own boss, like if you're good enough at English or your native language you could do proofreading work or even write on commission if you're into writing, you could try streaming or YouTube as well, though I'm just throwing examples out there you don't need to pick any of those. You could just substitute writing skills with whatever other skills you might have like arts for example.

Lastly it probably would be a good idea to get into therapy again, it sounds like you just wound up with a therapist that just didn't work for you. Perhaps you could look for therapists that have experience working with people on the spectrum? Or if you struggle with in person therapy you could try online therapy through telehealth or another online therapy source. But talking with a good therapist that's a good fit for you does help out a lot as they can help talk you through things and give you insight on things you might not have thought of otherwise. I will also say if you do go through therapy again, don't be afraid to tell the therapist what's wrong, what's been troubling you lately, what you might need help with, the therapist is there to listen to you and try their best to help you.

It's nice to see someone who has had similar experiences!

On the finding love thing, it's not entirely that I don't think I deserve love because of my autism or social anxiety, it's more I don't think I *could* find it *because* of those things. Like, because I am deathly afraid of learning to drive or taking public transport, how am I meant to meet her irl if I did meet someone and we liked each other? Unless she came to me, it wouldn't happen. I couldn't do it.

On the topic of Jobs, yeah a stay at home.job would be nice, but I don't really have any skills to really be good at any job. Plus I am assuming those jobs would require interviews, which is a no go for me. Hell *practising* interviews is terrifying enough, nevermind doing a real one.