How to move forward

[Rise from the ashes]

I met my ex almost 2 years ago while we were both separated from our spouses. I divorced my husband during that time and the ex was still figuring out how to work out his divorce. He has kids and I have none. We are both in our 40's.

About 4 months ago, he finally was ready to start the divorce process. He moved into a new apartment, worked out visitation with his kids and picked up more hours at work. I sensed him pulling away and distancing himself from me and instead of understanding, I totally freaked out! I text-bombed, called and emailed him. I am so ashamed and embarrassed by how I acted. I am not normally a needy person. I explained this to him and apologized. He responded with all he can offer is friendship at this time.

At first, I agreed to this because, of course, I wanted to keep him in my life. We have seen each other twice since this new arrangement and we have a great time together and a strong connection, but it is hard for me because I still feel attracted to him. He hugs me but he won't kiss me on the lips (sometimes on the neck). I feel like I am not being true to myself because I am settling for less than I want or deserve.

I want to tell him all of this but I am also scared of never seeing or talking to him again. I know the stress from his divorce is affecting him more than mine did and am hoping he will realize he wants me as his girlfriend again, but how can he do that if we are "just friends?" I never really went no contact with him so he has never really had a chance to miss me. Is it too late to do that now? Should I tell him I have realized I can't be platonic friends with him and move on?

I feel he still loves me but he is overwhelmed and possibly feels he wants to enjoy his new found freedom even though he has never said that.

I just don't know what to do. I want to be in a relationship with him again.

I think my biggest fear is that I will go no contact and he won't miss me or contact ME.

I have begun working on myself and my confidence. I am not as depressed as when all this first started but it is still hard.

I appreciate any advice you have to offer.

 

[Rise from the ashes]

I met my ex almost 2 years ago while we were both separated from our spouses. I divorced my husband during that time and the ex was still figuring out how to work out his divorce. He has kids and I have none. We are both in our 40's.

About 4 months ago, he finally was ready to start the divorce process. He moved into a new apartment, worked out visitation with his kids and picked up more hours at work. I sensed him pulling away and distancing himself from me and instead of understanding, I totally freaked out! I text-bombed, called and emailed him. I am so ashamed and embarrassed by how I acted. I am not normally a needy person. I explained this to him and apologized. He responded with all he can offer is friendship at this time.

At first, I agreed to this because, of course, I wanted to keep him in my life. We have seen each other twice since this new arrangement and we have a great time together and a strong connection, but it is hard for me because I still feel attracted to him. He hugs me but he won't kiss me on the lips (sometimes on the neck). I feel like I am not being true to myself because I am settling for less than I want or deserve.

I want to tell him all of this but I am also scared of never seeing or talking to him again. I know the stress from his divorce is affecting him more than mine did and am hoping he will realize he wants me as his girlfriend again, but how can he do that if we are "just friends?" I never really went no contact with him so he has never really had a chance to miss me. Is it too late to do that now? Should I tell him I have realized I can't be platonic friends with him and move on?

I feel he still loves me but he is overwhelmed and possibly feels he wants to enjoy his new found freedom even though he has never said that.

I just don't know what to do. I want to be in a relationship with him again.

I think my biggest fear is that I will go no contact and he won't miss me or contact ME.

I have begun working on myself and my confidence. I am not as depressed as when all this first started but it is still hard.

I appreciate any advice you have to offer.

 

[Rise from the ashes]

Also, he has been diagnosed as a high-functioning Aspie.

 

[Judge]

Patience is all you have under the circumstances. He needs time to sort it all out. And he needs the solitude of his newfound circumstances to "right himself" after a very turbulent married life.

There is absolutely no telling how long this might take. You simply either have the patience to wait or not. Without any guarantees.

If he's on the spectrum, above all you have to respect his need for solitude on his own terms- when and where he can get it. If you can't coexist with this dynamic, it's probably best you move on. Chances are it's something his former spouse never gave him, which under the circumstances is likely to be critical to a healthy relationship between and Aspie and an NT IMO.

 

[Rise from the ashes]

Thank you, Judge. I completely agree with you.

It's difficult because he was so caring and affectionate until things drastically changed. I have never been with someone with AS and I am learning. I am afraid by my agreeing to be his friend, I have ruined any chance of being more. Can relationships fluctuate? Intimate to friends to intimate? I don't know.

I care about him and I truly feel he cares about me. I just don't know how to deal with his communication style (or lack there of) at times. He will go days without texting me. I will ask him a question and he won't respond right away or sometimes until I text again. He doesn't like to talk on the phone, but I am okay with that.

I am confused. Is it just how he is or is he just not interested anymore. I miss him as my partner but friends may be all we are now. : (

 

[Judge]

Thank you, Judge. I completely agree with you.

It's difficult because he was so caring and affectionate until things drastically changed. I have never been with someone with AS and I am learning. I am afraid by my agreeing to be his friend, I have ruined any chance of being more. Can relationships fluctuate? Intimate to friends to intimate? I don't know.

I care about him and I truly feel he cares about me. I just don't know how to deal with his communication style (or lack there of) at times. He will go days without texting me. I will ask him a question and he won't respond right away or sometimes until I text again. He doesn't like to talk on the phone, but I am okay with that.

I am confused. Is it just how he is or is he just not interested anymore. I miss him as my partner but friends may be all we are now. : (

Think of it being at a time when he's likely to "ration" his emotional resources under a state of social distress- namely divorce. I suspect he hasn't changed his feelings towards you, but he's just not in a place right now where he can project them quite in the same way. So again, it may well come down to your patience.

 

[wyverary]

I think anyone freshly divorced, no matter how long they've been separated, would feel more than a little skittish. Divorce is a stressful and emotionally draining process, especially when there are kids involved. He is probably overwhelmed with it all, and needs some space. Like Judge said, patience is of utmost importance; you have to respect his needs. Unfortunately I can't promise you that things will ever go back to the way they were. That is entirely unique to every situation. The best--and hardest--thing you can do is say, "Okay, I understand." Let him know that you respect his feelings, and that you will be there for him if he needs.

All the best in this difficult situation,
wyv

 

[Rise from the ashes]

I think anyone freshly divorced, no matter how long they've been separated, would feel more than a little skittish. Divorce is a stressful and emotionally draining process, especially when there are kids involved. He is probably overwhelmed with it all, and needs some space. Like Judge said, patience is of utmost importance; you have to respect his needs. Unfortunately I can't promise you that things will ever go back to the way they were. That is entirely unique to every situation. The best--and hardest--thing you can do is say, "Okay, I understand." Let him know that you respect his feelings, and that you will be there for him if he needs.

All the best in this difficult situation,
wyv

Thank you, Judge and WYV. I have never been very good at patience, but know I need to change that. Not just for this situation, but for my life and peace of mind in general.

We still talk and get together, mostly by my initiation, and I don't try to pressure him or have "heavy emotional talks." He knows when something is on my mind and will ask, but I just don't want to get all emotional and freak him out.

I will try to be patient with him but I also know at some point, I have to have my needs met, too. Whether it is by him or someone else.

I am very happy to have found this site. It is very helpful.

 

[wyverary]

I will try to be patient with him but I also know at some point, I have to have my needs met, too. Whether it is by him or someone else.

This is an excellent point, and I do hope you resolve this, however that may be. As for how your relationship with yourself and this person turn out, no matter what, you have to take care of yourself, first and foremost. It's important to be there for someone, but it's equally important to recognize when you're putting someone else's needs above your own. Sometimes you have to take a break from someone, and sometimes you have to cut them out of your life entirely. I hope the latter is not the case, and I wish the best for you, Rise from the ashes .

wyv

 

[Judge]

It's a serious commitment to attempt maintaining a relationship with someone with a different neurological profile.

And not for everyone. I know...I've tried several times. Although in each of my attempts, neither myself or my girlfriends were aware of our neurological differences. Self awareness is both a gift and a tool. Use it when and where you can for your own happiness.

 

[Rise from the ashes]

It's a serious commitment to attempt maintaining a relationship with someone with a different neurological profile.

And not for everyone. I know...I've tried several times. Although in each of my attempts, neither myself or my girlfriends were aware of our neurological differences. Self awareness is both a gift and a tool. Use it when and where you can for your own happiness.

I think my biggest question/concern is: Is it hurting us more by remaining in touch? I still have feelings for him so it has been hard for me to be his friend. We didn't start out that way. It's awkward.

I hurts to think about never talking to him again but it also hurts knowing we don't have that closeness now.

Relationships are tough.

 

[Judge]

I think my biggest question/concern is: Is it hurting us more by remaining in touch? I still have feelings for him so it has been hard for me to be his friend. We didn't start out that way. It's awkward.

I hurts to think about never talking to him again but it also hurts knowing we don't have that closeness now.

Relationships are tough.

All I can offer is that at times it may appear we are very distant emotionally...when the reality for us on the spectrum is that we are not. But that such appearances can be deceiving. We just don't necessarily have the same desire or intensity for constant- or consistent social interaction.

 

[donn]

He moved into a new apartment, worked out visitation with his kids and picked up more hours at work.

He responded with all he can offer is friendship at this time.

I feel he still loves me but he is overwhelmed and possibly feels he wants to enjoy his new found freedom even though he has never said that.

Let's look at a positive point here - you're dealing with a guy who is honest and caring enough that he isn't trying to use you or lead you on. If I were to take a guess, I'd say that he's got strong urges to be romantic, but knows that following up on them is just a bad idea right now.

What I'm getting from this is that he likely is looking at this as a time of re-orienting, and committing to somebody who he really is interested in would cut that important period short, with possible negative effects. In his situation, I'd pull back on contact in general and especially on initiating. There's that urge to be romantic and pursue your interest which particularly comes out at the moment of thinking, "Maybe I'll call her up, ask her to lunch, and then..." When one knows this feeling is the wrong thing to do, rather than modulate it, the most common response is to simply put the phone down.

If you are worried that this "freedom" might include other women, all the better to step back for a while. I'll get to the mechanics of that a bit further on.

I will try to be patient with him but I also know at some point, I have to have my needs met, too. Whether it is by him or someone else.

Generally speaking, a period of separation following a breakup is a good idea, particularly if you were never "just friends." I'm not entirely sure how or why this seems to be the case, except to theorize that putting some distance between one's self and the romantic urges, both physical and emotional, allows people to reconnect more easily at a somewhat later point. As you are a woman, I believe you will have little difficulty rekindling those urges in him if the time is right and he is ready. In fact, well-handled distance in such a case may be your best bet; he sees you enough to think of you, but not enough to feel that there is relationship pressure.

When guys want a more romantic relationship with a woman, particularly in the physical sense, the longstanding rule is to put it out there, say what you want, and risk the whole relationship. If the woman is uninterested and the guy keeps feeling frustrated, the general advice is to walk away, at least for a while. You are in that same situation right now, and I think your course of action should be similar. Do not actively pursue something that you know you cannot have, but do try to handle distance in such a way as to keep the option open at a later date. It sounds like you are pushing on the pursuit right now, which will have the opposite of the desired effect.

You can't be over at his apartment once a week, while he is trying to sort his mind out - especially if you are looking for him to kiss you. He'll be likely to just put his defenses further and further up in order to keep things platonic, because he's a decent guy who isn't going to lead you on for his momentary gratification. Better by far to be the somewhat distant romantic interest present in his mind, so as he reorients he knows exactly who he is orienting towards. At a guess, I'd say reaching out to him once or twice a month sounds roughly right, and if this represents a major shift in frequency for you, you can consider telling him that being this close is hard on you and it needs to be less often.

The fear of losing someone, and particularly of them finding somebody else in the meantime, even more if you hope to get back together is rough. But take heart! You are a woman and he is a man - he is not about to lose interest, unless it is in some way a defensive measure, taken as an out to avoid the conflicting pressures. You don't have to worry too much about him thinking of you when he is ready; the questions of whether it will work out beyond that become more nuanced, but the gross concern is easily handled. If romance does not occur, straight up friendship can be achieved pretty directly after distancing does occur.

Meanwhile, if he is taking too long and you think others might be right for filling your needs, don't panic. As I said, it's not too hard to keep yourself in his mind, and it doesn't come into conflict with being open to others. If you think someone else might be able to step up, but are worried about losing what might be with him - you can always lay it out and say, "There's someone who is interested in me and I don't know where it will go. If you know you want something with me, now's the time."

 

[Cosmophylla]

It's also possible that, now he is out of his marriage and coming to understand himself better, he is realising that he has another form of sexuality. He may realise he is asexual, demisexual, or something else. I'm not saying this is the case, by any means. But it is possible that with time he is realising that he has been wearing a mask to fit in. This is common for us. I have done it myself to fit in, had relationships with people I felt little for, just for the sake of not being alone. It was only later I realised I was lying to myself about what made me happy. I now know I am demisexual.

After I got divorced I thought I wanted to get into a relationship quickly, but when the opportunity arose I suddenly realised it was the last thing I wanted. I had to break off all contact with the guy because he was so persistent and I had told him I needed time and space, that I wasn't ready. It made me sad that I had to do that but he wouldn't leave me alone.

So this may also be happening to your friend. I agree with the others that time is what he needs to process the divorce. I know it is really hard. But if you push you may just push him away completely.

 

[Beverly]

I will never understand people that go from one relationship to the next without taking time to be content alone and single first.

I don't care who you are, you loose something of yourself in any committed relationship, you adapt, to a greater or lesser degree, depending on how assertive you are, to the other person's wants, needs and, expectations of you. We all do it but, that means we also need time to find 100% of ourselves again when we leave a relationship.

Perhaps that's all he wants and, perhaps you thinking he loves you is true but, there are many kinds of love and platonic is one of them. Be wary of wishful thinking making you think either of you feels more than is really there. Be wary of rebound relationships and, know that you need to focus on you first and, when you are okay being single and, don't think you absolutely have to be in a relationship at all, then you'll find a good one.

 

[Cosmophylla]

Be wary of rebound relationships and, know that you need to focus on you first and, when you are okay being single and, don't think you absolutely have to be in a relationship at all, then you'll find a good one.

I can absolutely vouch for this. When I was looking for someone, I never found the right person... And when I stopped, the right one came along. It happened the same way for him, too.

 

[Rise from the ashes]

Thank you Cosmo and Beverly for your input. It definitely gives me something to think about.

At this point, I have given up on us being anything more than friends. What is sad is that we had so much more and I miss the closeness and intimacy with him.

When I see him now, it is awkward and painful. I didn't want to give up hope, but I feel I must. I can't take the hurt and rejection anymore. : (

 

[Cosmophylla]

When I see him now, it is awkward and painful. I didn't want to give up hope, but I feel I must. I can't take the hurt and rejection anymore. : (

It is a very painful transition, and I feel for you. It may be happening this way for a reason that will become clear later. Also, you never know what the future may hold. I don't mean to say that to give you false hope, rather to emphasise that we can't control the future or other people (without drastic consequences, at least).

I recommend you take the time to focus on healing yourself... Focus on those things that make you happy whether you are in a relationship or not. Hobbies, sport, friends, even work, kids, whatever makes you happy in yourself. Look inwards to your personal core of happiness for a while.

When I learnt my ex husband was cheating on me and wanted a divorce, I thought I would die from the pain. But I slowly healed over several years and when I met my second husband it was clear that the years of pain I'd suffered from my first marriage was all part of the journey. I wouldn't have been where I was when I met my second husband if I hadn't gone through that agony.

 

[Rise from the ashes]

Thank you, Cosmo. I know you can't change anyone but yourself (and sometimes even that seems impossible). I am sure the pain will eventually subside. I know there is no hope of him ever truly loving me again. I am just having a hard time letting go and moving on.

I am trying my best to take care of me and find my own happiness, but it is hard at times and I tend to break down and cry. I miss him so much.

I am sorry you had to endure so much pain when your first marriage ended but I am glad that you have found happiness with your second husband.

 

[Beverly]

Often hoping for what we know is not good for us or, cannot be is the biggest thing holding us back form something better and, for what can be. Usually what can be is amazing, if you let go of hope for what cannot be and go for what can be.