How to obtain mutual understanding in a relationship with an NT

[Joel I]

We have been in a relationship for 8 years, which is a record for me as I have only had one romantic relationship before, which didn't even last for two years. The current suiter proposed a year & a half ago, and we have been "engaged" since however don't feel like we are growing closer and have been having multiple arguments recently. These have been predominantly due to miscommunication and his assuming my response to a situation incorrectly. I feel like I have invested huge amounts of my time & energy to fit in with him, yet he doesn't appear to reciprocate. I am currently burnt out and struggling to keep going as I cannot see a way to fix issues, I have tried as many strategies as I can find.

 

[Hypnalis]

In general:

* NT's cannot figure out Aspies without help. And vice-versa, though we have an advantage because we get more practice
* Relationships cannot survive long term, nor easily navigate difficult periods, unless there's continual and reasonably effective communication between participants.

I suggest you start by checking your own assumptions thoroughly.

Indirectly relevant - every now and then, more-or-less regularly, we get an NT here who's finally realized that their partner (almost) always masks, and are wondering if they "really know" their partner, or if they only know the mask.
Not enough data yet, but it's a reasonable hypothesis that this is a trigger for relationship breakup.

If you've never discussed masking with your partner (and it's an extraordinarily difficult discussion), I suggest you consider that when reviewing your assumptions.

 

[Neonatal RRT]

These have been predominantly due to miscommunication and his assuming my response to a situation incorrectly. I feel like I have invested huge amounts of my time & energy to fit in with him, yet he doesn't appear to reciprocate.

You've identified 2 separate issues: Communication and reciprocation. Communication is relatively easy to fix. Reciprocation is not.

I've been married for 36+ years now. My wife, at least once a week, would say something like, "Oh, I thought you would have,..." I now recognize it as "indirect language" for (1) "I was expecting you to do,..., but you didn't." OR (2) "I'm disappointed in you for not,..." Of course, my typical response is (1) "Why on Earth would you think THAT?" (2) "That would have never entered my mind." (3) "If you wanted me to do something for you, all you needed to do was ask and it would have been done."

How does one spell "assume"? Easy to remember. "It makes and ASS out of U and ME."

I operate on "direct language", she operates on "indirect language". Now, over the years, she's gotten a lot better, but I have simply learned to be direct and ask those clarifying questions. However, every now and then, she simply doesn't communicate, at all, and assumes. I think she has a habit of forgetting perspective. In other words, if SHE were in my shoes, SHE would have done "that task", whatever it is. She forgets, I am not her, and I have my own thoughts, priorities, and plans for the day. Communication is everything. The vast majority of conflicts in every relationship can be narrowed down to miscommunication.

The reciprocation aspect, well, that's something that perhaps you two need to calmly discuss. As you are sensing, it really sucks when the relationship seems "out of balance". There can also be confusion around each other's "love language". Some people need to actually hear the words, "I love you." Some people express their love through their actions, not words. If you're in that sort of situation, there needs to be some communication. If he is one that can defensively rattle off the top 20 things he is doing for the relationship, and you aren't recognizing it as his "love language", then that needs to be clarified. On the other hand, there are people that are more inclined to be "entitled" and are "users". In which case, now you've got a real problem that you can't fix.

 

[Misty Avich]

I've been in a successful relationship with an NT (much older than me) for 9 years. And no, just because he's much older than me it doesn't mean he's grooming me all this time or anything, he's a decent and loyal man who has had his heart broken by women in the past.

He has actually been 'the problem', and I don't mean that as in he's a bad husband or anything, but I mean he had a few times where he's gotten too drunk, and also he lacks will power to quit smoking but keeps getting smoking-related illnesses that worries me sick. He admits to it and understands why I get stressed about both his drinking and smoking but is too weak-willed to quit. I try to understand that, as I have a weakness for sugar and sleeping pills but those are less problematic than his smoking and drinking.
But he's still wonderful and we get along great, like soulmates. I don't feel I have to mask at all with him, he's become family.

I think that in every relationship anyone has there's always going to be conflict about something, for the simple reason that nobody is perfect and everyone has their flaws. So if you're in a relationship that isn't abusive or anything like that, then the best way to keep the relationship strong is to understand each other's Quirk's even if they are annoying or even stressful at times. Of course if the relationship involves abuse or lies (I don't mean masking, as that is more of a survival skill than a harmful lie, but I mean lies as in cheating) then that is not just quirks, it is toxic.

 

[All-Rounder]

Maybe your partner is struggling with their own mental disorders or troubles which were not apparent before. Upon learning this is the case, you both need strategies for accepting what the issue is, and avoiding stepping on each other's triggers and accepting the things that could not be avoided.

Be prepared that it might not work out. Sometimes it takes a while for us to know each other. Sometimes the differences can be quite intense, and the support we can get from a relationship too low. So instead of destroying each other be prepared to leave if the toxicity and fulfillment dynamics worsen and do not repair.

It seems you have tried all that you can think of, but have you tried the things that on studies tend to show improvement in relationships? I'll just say some things work better than others in general and some work more for certain individuals.

If this person is no longer involved emotionally in the relationship, as you say from their actions, I think you need to distance yourself emotionally to be able to process what is happening without being tied to emotions and make a decision that graces everyone best. Sometimes people get stuck in relationships that are practically over, destroying each other's mental health for years. Health is very important, being in toxic relationships is never worth it.

It sounds like this person has reached their end of giving but can't leave. You might have to make the big decision, but be ready to be manipulated against it. If you're fragile, after breaking up, take months away without connection, if not final.

 

[All-Rounder]

Having been stuck in unhealthy relationships before, I have realized a concept when I have met a healthy partner.

How often and why the conflict happens is indicative about how grave the issues are, some are harder to fix, how argumentative vs peaceful the couple is, how logic usually works for people, which is useful in fixing problems to be on the same page. Every couple of months having arguments that can be frightening, but not every argument is, and a preference for eventually ending the conflict on both parts, as well as respect for individual opinion and accepting differences in lifestyle.

Correct me if I'm wrong but your partner is not very open to differences? And you have bent yourself backwards to try to keep an illusion of no perceived differences. I think this might be some work for both to keep in mind.

Perhaps exploring the cause why you need to not be different and become overprotective over this fact stems from childhood dynamics or some fears you might have developed.

 

[All-Rounder]

You have to put a stall on the engagement because you're really not feeling into it. Rather than keep a lie, or worse, go through with something you're not devoted to, it's important to talk about the uncertainty and the fact you no longer feel as certain to pursue it and have reassessed the current situation.

Do not be ashamed of your thoughts, feelings. Being genuine will pay off, including accepting your doubts and differences, having the courage to explore them. This will allow you to step into a mature relationship which will set a good foundation for a potential marriage.