How to reconcile with my boyfriend

[RuCham]

Hi, I am new to the forum.

My boyfriend is on the Autism spectrum and we were happily in love. But I am not native English speaker and he is, so I occasionally confused what he is talking about right at that moment ( i realise too late) and one thing led to the other we had a fight and I spoke harsh words, he became cold and said he might need time to forgive me.i did ask for his forgiveness several times.

I really love him.. he said that it will be hard to forgive and it might even take an year max..

We are in a ldr temporary and I really want to be there for him but I messed up big time.

I am willing to wait for him..but I want to know if there is more I can do on my side to win him back

I usually update him about my day , even after fight and he replied very short sentences but he did..but after our discussion, he is quite..

So I am not sure if I should keep doing that anymore or give him space...

Really miss him tbh.. He is my everything.

Will he want me back ?

 

[Judge]

In a long distance relationship I'd say under the circumstances that conditions are poor in terms of him reconciling with you. Especially given how curt his responses have been to this date.

Might be best to simply pull back and just wait to see if or how he continues to communicate with you. No telling whether the necessary amount of solitude we need will result in him being open or closed to reconciling. Where about all you can do is to wait. When doing nothing might be more productive, with no guarantees....

 

[huimaa]

May I ask how old is he? Cause I think that's a bit immature on his part, especially given that the incident was caused by some sort of misunderstanding and language barrier.

I'd say give him time but honestly, if it takes a year for him to forgive something that sounds pretty minor, I don't know... you might want to emphasize to him that you didn't mean to hurt his feelings or that the fight happened over a misunderstanding.

 

[All-Rounder]

Sounds to me it's more than just the current argument. Maybe emotional issues on his part, past trauma or something about your relationship he thinks might not be for the future, or near future anyway.

Sounds like hes tired and burnt out of trying. Some people are like that, and next year he needs to guarantee that he is not going to need another year in the case something else happens. Life is full of disappointment, so sooner or later if the relationship is strong it needs to be dealt with.

1 yr is overkill, typically people are supposed to say like 1 month, then add update about their state as feedback, how theyre feeling, if anything improved or changed, and if theyre going for it still to offer reassurance for you.

People are weak, some more than others. But this sounds more so like revenge to me, which is not uncommon of men, sounds to emotionally scare you. You have to keep in mind breaking up and getting back together or time away can scar people to points of mental breakage, relationships are no joke.

To be precise, nobody is worth 1 month of wait, for somebody like me, for example. I've been through it and it was never worth it, although in that time I thought it was the most important thing in my life. Well, I can be wrong. Sometimes it's hard to see when emotions are clouding the judgement.

Distance from this person to give yourself a chance to think about this logically, without emotions on your mind. Then if it logically is okay 100%, why not.

Everything you're saying points that this is a highly unhealthy thing for you, I've been through it a lot. Don't want to bash anyone, but health truly matters, in two years nobody will guarantee anything like a relationship but you can guarantee yourself your health that will last you throughout and will allow you to have healthy relationships.

 

[RuCham]

Sounds to me it's more than just the current argument. Maybe emotional issues on his part, past trauma or something about your relationship he thinks might not be for the future, or near future anyway.

Sounds like hes tired and burnt out of trying. Some people are like that, and next year he needs to guarantee that he is not going to need another year in the case something else happens. Life is full of disappointment, so sooner or later if the relationship is strong it needs to be dealt with.

1 yr is overkill, typically people are supposed to say like 1 month, then add update about their state as feedback, how theyre feeling, if anything improved or changed, and if theyre going for it still to offer reassurance for you.

People are weak, some more than others. But this sounds more so like revenge to me, which is not uncommon of men, sounds to emotionally scare you. You have to keep in mind breaking up and getting back together or time away can scar people to points of mental breakage, relationships are no joke.

To be precise, nobody is worth 1 month of wait, for somebody like me, for example. I've been through it and it was never worth it, although in that time I thought it was the most important thing in my life. Well, I can be wrong. Sometimes it's hard to see when emotions are clouding the judgement.

Distance from this person to give yourself a chance to think about this logically, without emotions on your mind. Then if it logically is okay 100%, why not.

Everything you're saying points that this is a highly unhealthy thing for you, I've been through it a lot. Don't want to bash anyone, but health truly matters, in two years nobody will guarantee anything like a relationship but you can guarantee yourself your health that will last you throughout and will allow you to have healthy relationships.

Hi, thank you so much for your response.
He said it will take him weeks , months or worse year. So max year is what he said..he didn't say he needed an year bluntly..I am sorry I missed that
Thank you so much for your explanation.
I think he is burnt out too.. and like I wish I am there with him..but I can only go in few months time due to commitments
Okay..I will take some time

Thank you

 

[RuCham]

May I ask how old is he? Cause I think that's a bit immature on his part, especially given that the incident was caused by some sort of misunderstanding and language barrier.

I'd say give him time but honestly, if it takes a year for him to forgive something that sounds pretty minor, I don't know... you might want to emphasize to him that you didn't mean to hurt his feelings or that the fight happened over a misunderstanding.

He is in his late 20 s .
I think it became overwhelming for him to control his anger
He said it will take him weeks , months or worse year. So max year is what he said..he didn't say he needed an year bluntly . I did explain to him that. And I am willing to wait..
But I wish I can do something more.
Thank you so much for your response

 

[RuCham]

Hi everyone ,

Hi, I am new to the forum.

My boyfriend is on the Autism spectrum and we were happily in love. But I am not native English speaker and he is, so I occasionally confused what he is talking about right at that moment ( i realise too late) and one thing led to the other we had a fight and I spoke harsh words, he became cold and said he might need time to forgive me.i did ask for his forgiveness several times.

I really love him.. he said that it will be hard to forgive and it might even take an year max..

We are in a ldr temporary and I really want to be there for him but I messed up big time.

I am willing to wait for him..but I want to know if there is more I can do on my side to win him back

I usually update him about my day , even after fight and he replied very short sentences but he did..but after our discussion, he is quite..

So I am not sure if I should keep doing that anymore or give him space...

Really miss him tbh.. He is my everything.

Will he want me back ?

Hi Everyone,
He said it will take him weeks , months or worse year. So max year is what he said..he didn't say he needed an year bluntly

 

[RuCham]

In a long distance relationship I'd say under the circumstances that conditions are poor in terms of him reconciling with you. Especially given how curt his responses have been to this date.

Might be best to simply pull back and just wait to see if or how he continues to communicate with you. No telling whether the necessary amount of solitude we need will result in him being open or closed to reconciling. Where about all you can do is to wait. When doing nothing might be more productive, with no guarantees....

Thank you so much for your kind response.
True..
Thank you so much

 

[All-Rounder]

Hi, thank you so much for your response.
He said it will take him weeks , months or worse year. So max year is what he said..he didn't say he needed an year bluntly..I am sorry I missed that
Thank you so much for your explanation.
I think he is burnt out too.. and like I wish I am there with him..but I can only go in few months time due to commitments
Okay..I will take some time

Thank you

Ah, okay, my bad. Thanks for clarifying.

It's good to have your personal time limits in mind.

I think that winning back should not be thought of as prioritary, and if done before the time where both parties are ready will ruin the good this might have. I won a lot of people back, and over, but in the end I ended up hating myself, and them. I guess I used to make a lot of bad choices in my life.

If he's yours he's gonna come to you, don't waste the time when you could have somebody to love you properly to points you can't imagine and who thinks more like you. There are many relationships in a lifetime, it's better to not get stuck in the temporary insecure ones to get to the long-lasting ones of substance.

If you want someone who thinks you're their everything, this isn't it as it has too little potential from 3 points of view that I see. It's a die for you sort of thing, and there can be no in-betweens with that, you know that. You'll have to trust me on this one, it is noticeable in general to you when it's right.

 

[Aspychata]

Relationships take time to develop, there are good times and some bad times, and in-between there is a maturity that floats in, as you deal with another person's feelings. Are you going to wait, or not? What do you chose to do?

 

[Rodafina]

he said that it will be hard to forgive and it might even take an year max..

This seems like an oddly specific response. We don’t really know when we will get over things, and putting a finite timeline on feelings is usually inaccurate.

Will he want me back ?

This would be difficult for us to answer. It depends on how well you are able to communicate with your partner, the ways in which you change when giving each other space, and what is best for you in the end. Trying to “win someone back” does not seem like a very good idea in my opinion. Either you will move on separately, or learn how to communicate in ways that is more healthy and you’ll move on together.

In a situation like you described, it’s usually best to focus on yourself. Seek answers about who you are and what you want, and not another person that you cannot control and that we cannot hear from.

 

[paloftoon]

How long have you been in a relationship with him?
If you don't feel like you can talk with him for more than 2 weeks, I would recommend breaking up with him and looking for other options. Being able to communicate is essential, but especially for an ldr (long distance relationship).

 

[RuCham]

I am gonna wait...but worried in how u can help him

Relationships take time to develop, there are good times and some bad times, and in-between there is a maturity that floats in, as you deal with another person's feelings. Are you going to wait, or not? What do you chose to dd

 

[RuCham]

This seems like an oddly specific response. We don’t really know when we will get over things, and putting a finite timeline on feelings is usually inaccurate.



This would be difficult for us to answer. It depends on how well you are able to communicate with your partner, the ways in which you change when giving each other space, and what is best for you in the end. Trying to “win someone back” does not seem like a very good idea in my opinion. Either you will move on separately, or learn how to communicate in ways that is more healthy and you’ll move on together.

In a situation like you described, it’s usually best to focus on yourself. Seek answers about who you are and what you want, and not another person that you cannot control and that we cannot hear from.

Thank you so much!
Yes. I apologize for the use of my language.
I want to make changes so it s easy for him to navigate through our relationship, so that will put him in ease and be more relaxed .
I was not sure if giving space will make him feel like I am not there for him in anyway as I am used to be in contact with him everyday.
Also I won't lie I really miss him.

 

[RuCham]

How long have you been in a relationship with him?
If you don't feel like you can talk with him for more than 2 weeks, I would recommend breaking up with him and looking for other options. Being able to communicate is essential, but especially for an ldr (long distance relationship).

For nearly 3 months to be honest. And we both share Simmilar interests so we always had things to talk about.. thank you so much

 

[paloftoon]

For nearly 3 months to be honest. And we both share Simmilar interests so we always had things to talk about.. thank you so much

3 months is typically still supposed to be a "honeymoon phase" and that phase could just about be ending.
Yeah, definitely communication is real important right now.

 

[RuCham]

3 months is typically still supposed to be a "honeymoon phase" and that phase could just about be ending.
Yeah, definitely communication is real important right now.

Ohh...
Thank you so much for your kind response!

 

[RuCham]

TTh

Ah, okay, my bad. Thanks for clarifying.

It's good to have your personal time limits in mind.

I think that winning back should not be thought of as prioritary, and if done before the time where both parties are ready will ruin the good this might have. I won a lot of people back, and over, but in the end I ended up hating myself, and them. I guess I used to make a lot of bad choices in my life.

If he's yours he's gonna come to you, don't waste the time when you could have somebody to love you properly to points you can't imagine and who thinks more like you. There are many relationships in a lifetime, it's better to not get stuck in the temporary insecure ones to get to the long-lasting ones of substance.

If you want someone who thinks you're their everything, this isn't it as it has too little potential from 3 points of view that I see. It's a die for you sort of thing, and there can be no in-betweens with that, you know that. You'll have to trust me on this one, it is noticeable in general to you when it's right.

Thank you

 

[RuCham]

I am really greatful for your response. Thank you so much for the clarification.
He did reach out yesterday and we talked , I will wait for a while before deciding on anything quickly.As u said , timing is important. Thank you

Ah, okay, my bad. Thanks for clarifying.

It's good to have your personal time limits in mind.

I think that winning back should not be thought of as prioritary, and if done before the time where both parties are ready will ruin the good this might have. I won a lot of people back, and over, but in the end I ended up hating myself, and them. I guess I used to make a lot of bad choices in my life.

If he's yours he's gonna come to you, don't waste the time when you could have somebody to love you properly to points you can't imagine and who thinks more like you. There are many relationships in a lifetime, it's better to not get stuck in the temporary insecure ones to get to the long-lasting ones of substance.

If you want someone who thinks you're their everything, this isn't it as it has too little potential from 3 points of view that I see. It's a die for you sort of thing, and there can be no in-betweens with that, you know that. You'll have to trust me on this one, it is noticeable in general to you when it's right.

 

[autism-and-autotune]

Hi, I am new to the forum.

My boyfriend is on the Autism spectrum and we were happily in love. But I am not native English speaker and he is, so I occasionally confused what he is talking about right at that moment ( i realise too late) and one thing led to the other we had a fight and I spoke harsh words, he became cold and said he might need time to forgive me.i did ask for his forgiveness several times.

I really love him.. he said that it will be hard to forgive and it might even take an year max..

We are in a ldr temporary and I really want to be there for him but I messed up big time.

I am willing to wait for him..but I want to know if there is more I can do on my side to win him back

I usually update him about my day , even after fight and he replied very short sentences but he did..but after our discussion, he is quite..

So I am not sure if I should keep doing that anymore or give him space...

Really miss him tbh.. He is my everything.

Will he want me back ?

I think the best call is to give him some space. Your story reminds me of my relationship, and while we weren't pure long-distance, summers away from school were rough because I was overloaded due to the life at my parent's house, and overload would make me cold and distant towards my then-girlfriend.

Again: I suggest time and space, and wait for him to articulate his thoughts. It's good that you can recognize that you made a mistake, though.