How to support my partner ....

[confusedpartner]

Hi everyone! I'm new here and just needed some support. I hope I'm allowed to be here seeing as it's not me personally! Anyways, I have been with my partner for 3 years and I love him and would never leave him but there has always been something a bit "off" about our relationship. I have spent so long explaining how things make me feel and that my emotional needs are never met and because of that I blame myself thinking "am I not good enough, does he not love me enough to be able to easily express his love for me and to try be romantic" etc. (I came from a abusive relationship so those self doubts are engraved in my head). Until yesterday I started reading about adult Aspergers seeing as his son is currently going through the process of being diagnosed and reading all the information I was finding ... IT MADE SENSE! It might be a possibility! It explains him being disorganized, unable to comprehend my feelings, his social behaviour, his closing up and pulling himself into a shell whenever we have to have a discussion/argument about something!

It kind of made me feel relieved that it might not be me, and there is an explanation to why he struggles with things that should be natural. I feel guilty that I have been so hard on him when he does try to make it known every day that he loves me. But my problem is with talking to him about it .. I want us both to at least acknowledge that this makes sense, even if we don't do anything about it - seeing as he is highly functional but more so that we are aware and can accept it for what it could be and find ways to make sure that we are both secure and comfortable in the relationship.

How do I bring this up with him in a way that he feels safe and not like I'm attacking him and that he doesn't go into his shell and avoid it? I don't want him to feel offended in anyway or that I'm just trying to blame him for the natural faults in our relationship?

If anyone that has been through this with their partner shed some light or suggest something as I'm still trying to wrap my head around what it must be like for him ...

Is it easier to just accept it on my own and lower my expectations of him or is it definitely beneficial to discuss my thoughts with him?

Sorry for the length. I just don't want to mess up!!

 

[royinpink]

Funny, I'm an aspie, but I'm in a similar situation to you at the moment...so I'm interested to hear any advice other members offer here. The advice I've received so far (from an NT guy) was to make clear to him that you aren't 'getting something out of it', you're suggesting it for his benefit--this is so he doesn't feel pressured or manipulated. I worry, though, that he won't see the point if it's not about doing it for you and your relationship. Maybe someone else has insight on that.

I would say it's not going to be easier for you to 'accept it on your own'. That puts too much of the burden on you, and if he doesn't know what he's doing and why...it's just frustrating for both of you.

But it's going to take time, no matter what. It's an overwhelming thing to come to terms with, re-understanding your whole life after diagnosis. It may be a relief, or he may have negative associations with the label that make it hard to accept. Patience.

 

[Suzanne]

I am an aspie, who is married to an nt and he would echo everything you said really.

Leave the information you found where he can find it and thus, allow him to read it unconditionally.

I must admit, if this had been my husband, I would feel grateful that he bothered to look and found something. But female aspies are different to male aspies. But saying that again, I am not romantic either; I can be moved, but it has to be exceptional.

You come across as a lovely person, who is not about to hold this against him, which is amazing.

And I too, sadly, come from an abusive back ground.

My husband has always complained that I am not demonstrative enough and that I rarely want to touch him. But, even though it hurt and I felt persecuted, I have tried to listen and thus, remind myself that perhaps he needs showing and so, I do.

It is very true that what is normal to you, is not normal to him. My husband and I get into many arguments, because we see things so differently.

 

[royinpink]

I hope you're making progress in your relationship. If you feel it'd be helpful to vent or bring up new developments, I'd be interested in hearing your updates.