How to tell people....

[BruceCM]

OK, so how do you tell people about AS?

 

[petrossa]

You don't usually. Stigmatizing yourself isn't the way forward. Labeling yourself having a mental issue is the quickest way to getting treated like a retard.

 

[. . .]

I agree that, unless you have to, it's usually best not to tell people that you have an ASD as there's (usually) no gain to it. Let me remind you that this is a world comprised mostly of small-minded people.

If you're bold enough to tell people you're on the spectrum, go for it. If you aren't, there's not much point in forcing yourself to tell people you have it as you'll very much likely regret it - I did. If you do tell people, make sure to educate them about ASDs or else they'll very likely apply their preconceived notions about autism and will compare you with autistic people they've seen in movies . . .

If you live in a very liberal part of the world, you might be able to admit to having an ASD without there being much harm, but where I live, when you admit to having any kind of disorder you're cast down immediately. People will no longer want to associate themselves with you and will start speaking to you in a condescending manner. As for your employment prospects - they'll go down the drain. Admitting to having an ASD at a work interview, in most cases, is like telling the interviewer "I don't want the job."

 

[xxjoleenxx]

I have tried to tell a two people I thought I was close to, they pretty much ridiculed me. I am so sick of people telling me, there isn't anything wrong with me or my son, then try to tell me what they think is wrong. I have spent countless hours, days and nights researching, wondering what the hell was wrong with me since I was younger, so ya I am comfortable with a label that fits for once. Only I know my symptoms and behaviors, I haven't ever been around anyone long enough for them to notice. That is one reason I have kept isolated, because of pre-conceived notions and ignorance. I don't want people to look down on me, when they are already small minded or ignorant. So ya its weird because I want to be able to tell some people and explain, but since it backfired I am not too confident I will ever tell anyone again.

 

[Droopy]

Who exactly are you going to tell and what is your reason for telling?

My close friends know that I have AS (to help them understand why I'm different and quiet) and they respect that. I don't get treated like a "retard" or like I'm special and no-one makes a big deal out of it - in fact it's rarely brought up in any discussion. Ultimately it's down to the person you are telling how they will react and/or treat you. Some people can respect it and others will reject it and make a big fuss.

 

[IContainMultitudes]

If you want to tell others about your AS characteristics, you don't necessarily have to bring the words "Asperger's" or "Autism" into it. "Soft disclosure" may be a good strategy if you have a reason to tell others about AS characteristics but you're not comfortable telling them you have AS. For example, you might tell people that you have extra-sensitive hearing as a way of explaining some of your sensory issues, or you might tell people that you find social interaction exhausting and that you have an above-average need for restorative "alone time" to explain why you don't go to parties very often. As Rudy Simone writes in the book Asperger's on the Job, this might be a good strategy if you need to tell employers or coworkers about your AS characteristics without going the "full disclosure" route. There's no way in hell I'm telling people at work about my AS (they might even find the "above average need for alone time" thing a little weird) unless I can tell I'm working in an unusually tolerant environment. Those environments may be easier to find in bigger cities. The psychiatrist who gave me a semi-official AS diagnosis told me that relatively small, conservative towns like the one I currently live in aren't ideal places for Aspies, and I have a feeling that that's probably true.


My general policy about telling people about my AS is that I don't do it unless it's either a close friend/family member (I have a few family members who I don't like that much; I'm probably not going to "come out" to them anytime soon) or someone who I can tell won't have a problem with it. I worry that, if I tell people outside of that safe "circle," I'll get reactions that go from the extremes of people telling me that AS isn't real and that it's just my way of feeling like a "special snowflake" (or my excuse for behaving like a jerk) or people looking at me like I have some kind of terminal illness because they mainly just hear the word "autism" when I explain that AS is a high-functioning form of autism. Do I really need to worry that much about those reactions, or has anyone here actually gotten those reactions from people? In your experience, how common is it for some you to tell someone about your AS to basically just say, "Oh, that's...interesting" and mostly just forget about it after that? That may not be exactly the reaction I'm looking for, but I'd much prefer it to the more extreme ones I mentioned above.

 

[BruceCM]

Firstly, I have to tell potential employers about AS in order to explain some potential problems at the workplace, I'm told. Fortunately, there's help for that. If I'm going to be friends with anybody, I'd have to tell them about it, too. I only got a diagnosis because the social difficulties are so great. Sadly, not the sensory issues that I think most people can understand well enough.

 

[190]

Don't ask Don't Tell unless you really have to. And doing so at a job interview is like telling the guy "Move on to next person"

Some can more or less blend into society, while some others have learned how to appear normal. If this is your case, well and good.

A good part of the reason why people hate hearing all this is because we're sick and tired of hearing excuses. Oh, he has this, she has that, therefore they have an excuse to act in a completely screwed up manner. If you can't conceal your problems, then at least make it look like you're trying your best. Most decent people don't mind helping someone, but at the very least the person must try to help himself. And of course, pretend all you like, but there'd better be some results at the end of it.

And hey, big cities can be just as bad. The competition is often tougher, and you are under more pressure to perform. I.e. more work, more stress.

 

[BruceCM]

Officially, I have to tell employers! Which bit of that don't you understand? Or clarify to whom you're replying. Sadly, people can't really tell whether you are trying or not, so that's very luck of the draw.

 

[142857]

If you need accommodations at work for your AS, or if you know that it is going to cause issues that your employer needs to be aware of, then you probably need to tell your potential employer at an interview. I would never disclose at an interview that I am autistic, but that is just me and we are all different in terms of the ways that autism/aspergers affects us. I have chosen not to get a diagnosis on the basis that if I have a diagnosis and do not disclose it, that can potentially be used against me. I can communicate quite well in the work environment, although I may come across as a bit antisocial at times - struggling with small talk and the usual social niceties.

With friends it is much the same. If you have a potential close friend then you might just drop it casually like "hey, I have aspergers syndrome, which means that sometimes you might need to pull me up if I ramble on or if I am being inflexible, and I might have to say no if you want me to join you somewhere crowded and noisy". If they don't want to be your friend because of it, then they wouldn't have been much of a friend anyway. No great loss.

But I wouldn't go dropping it with casual acquaintances.

I haven't made any friends since I worked out I am autistic, so it hasn't been an issue. I have mentioned it to 2 or 3 close friends, no big deal.

 

[. . .]

If you need accommodations at work for your AS, or if you know that it is going to cause issues that your employer needs to be aware of, then you probably need to tell your potential employer at an interview. I would never disclose at an interview that I am autistic, but that is just me and we are all different in terms of the ways that autism/aspergers affects us. I have chosen not to get a diagnosis on the basis that if I have a diagnosis and do not disclose it, that can potentially be used against me. I can communicate quite well in the work environment, although I may come across as a bit antisocial at times - struggling with small talk and the usual social niceties.

With friends it is much the same. If you have a potential close friend then you might just drop it casually like "hey, I have aspergers syndrome, which means that sometimes you might need to pull me up if I ramble on or if I am being inflexible, and I might have to say no if you want me to join you somewhere crowded and noisy". If they don't want to be your friend because of it, then they wouldn't have been much of a friend anyway. No great loss.

But I wouldn't go dropping it with casual acquaintances.

I haven't made any friends since I worked out I am autistic, so it hasn't been an issue. I have mentioned it to 2 or 3 close friends, no big deal.

Well said.

@BruceCM - If you really feel the need to tell a potential employer that you have AS, the best way to do it would be at the interview. How to tell them? Just tell them, verbally, that you're on the spectrum. I'd likely save this for near the end of the interview. The person interviewing you likely won't know what AS is, so tell them that it causes you to have social deficits and that you having it could, at times, be problematic. If they're understanding, they may still hire you.

If it would be too hard a thing for you to tell the person interviewing you that you have AS, you could note the fact that you have AS on your resume. This would likely reduce your chances of getting the interview, but you seem to feel the need to tell people that you're on the spectrum, so . . .

I'm not sure which country your from, but here in Canada you definitely aren't breaking the law if you refrain from telling your boss what mental condition(s) you have. It isn't a requirement and isn't your bosses' business to know your medical history. In Canada, by law, your medical history stays private from your employers. If your medical history was to be leaked to your employer, you could sue people for sharing your medical info with them.

 

[BruceCM]

Well, fortunately, there's advisors for dealing with employers. Sadly, not for dealing with people otherwise! I wasn't intending to tell casual acquaintances. Meanwhile, the question was HOW & I don't see any answers to that! What's "just tell" mean? As many times I'd think I'm "just saying", it's called all sorts, it turns out to be impossible to apply the little advice that would otherwise make sense

 

[jaws]

BruceCM - I think getting advice from a therapist or employment counselor would be best.

If telling an existing employer, I'd recommend getting the information about your human resource department and sending them a letter describing the condition and a list of required accommodations you may need. If you are needing to disclose at an interview..I'd recommend only disclosing strengths, and allow the interviewer to ask you if there are any potential issues you may have because of the condition. To clarify, you could say that you could be a very focused employee and that you tend to enjoy routines because it is a trait of your AS. If the interviewer asks what AS is, use things like, it is a condition that allows you think "outside the box" or differently from most people. Or something like that, it would really depend on certain factors of the job and your particular strengths and needs.

I hope that helps and is what you are asking for? If, not...just bear with us and we'll all try to figure it out together.

 

[BruceCM]

Thanks, work seems to be covered. There's advice for forms, CVs & interviews, somebody can even come to those with you & be available if problems do arise at work, etc. Socially, there seems to be nothing (actually available, in practice, around where I live, that is). Hopefully, I might get to see a therapist this year but that's proving difficult to arrange & may take a long time. So, if I can get any ideas here, in the meantime, that'd be really helpful. You'd think other Aspies would have a better idea what I'm on about than a therapist, really!